In laws and Christmas Day

[Emmaisinadilemma]

I'm in a real quandary.over Christmas Day.

I'm very low contact with dh's parents.

There is a very long history but essentially it's all down to fil being rude, obnoxious and nasty. He has made truly dreadful comments to me almost every time I've ever been in his company. It's become too much to bear and I can no longer ignore him. Even when I try to stop him he always has to have the last say. Not only is it the comments but things he has done too.

I've posted about him before on here quite a few times over the years and always get told yanbu and that I should go low contact and that dh should step in.

Dh never says anything, always claims afterwards that he didn't hear or didn't realise. It has caused so many arguments that I have at times wanted to divorce because of my husband's lack of back bone.

Dh has promised to have a word with fil about his behaviour, but of course he hasn't.

We usually see in laws on Christmas Day but I don't think I can stand it. I'm having a rough time personally and I think of fil does his usual it will tip me over the edge.

OTOH I feel very selfish to ask for them to keep away as it's still dhs dad.

Dh will just go along with whatever.

It's your Christmas too! Why should you have a rotten time to suit everyone else? Why fantvyour DH see them himself for breakfast or something?
If he doesn't like it remind him he has failed to step up and stop the issues so this is the consequence.

I wouldn’t be, you have made the de udon to go LC because of fil behaviour, plus the fact your DH won’t step up and defend you, so I would be be having them round. If DH wants to pop and see them he can do

Agree with pp.
just say no this year and have a quiet Christmas without them. Dh is welcome to go if he wants , but as dh doesn’t stick up for you the situation has become unsustainable and you won’t be entertaining them this christmas

Dh can go pop round and see him at a convenient time... No law says you need to go with....

Why can't he pop round and see them? Rather than them come to you?

Absolutely refuse to see the nasty old bastard any more . Your DH can visit on or near Xmas Day.
Stand up for yourself because no one else is going to ! I personally couldn't take the lack of support from DH but you must decide that.

Forget any sense of obligation. That went out the window when you had to deal with the rudeness.

I wouldn't hesitate to say no to seeing them on Christmas, and I wouldn't feel a shred of guilt.

Put your own needs first - we put up with a bloody lot!

Definitely don’t see them.

FILS actions have consequences

I would not have them anywhere near me for Christmas! Your ‘D’H can go to them if he so chooses. Do you have DC?

FIL & DH's actions have consequences!

No to them coming to yours at Christmas & if DH has to explain why, that's his problem.

He can go round to them if he wants to.

I've had years of shitty behaviour from my mil & I don't tolerate it. I'm fully in control of how much contact I have & DH can do whatever he likes to explain

Your dh isn't on your side or your team so why are you still married?

I agree with the others.

Protect your sanity (and your Christmas Day) and decline to spend it with someone who has shown they are persistently rude and unpleasant towards you. Why the hell should you?

If DH wants to see his dreadful father he can make the effort to go round to see him alone, surely?

This, all day long! It doesn’t sound like your DH ever prioritises your feelings, so why are you prioritising his and putting up with another rotten Christmas just to keep him and his parents happy?

You’re not obliged to have a shit day with a horrible person. Pack DH off to theirs for however long he feels he needs to see them, and plan a lovely day of festive treats for yourself. Life’s too short, OP.

Definitely do not go but does this mean you will be alone and are you ok with that?

Do the same back to fil. After all, noone else will hear it

I don’t get the quandary. If FIL really is a rude arsehole then of course don’t waste your Christmas Day with him. DH could pop over Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, whenever suits you all really

@Newyearnewnameagain20 because it looks like he's going to leave her to go there Xmas day

I would be into know how he would react if you said, “Did you just hear what your father said, DH?”

Don’t do it! DH can go round to see them and give them his gifts another time. And if you do get on with your MiL maybe you can have a cup of tea with her one day - somewhere nice not in their home. But no, you do not need to see them on Christmas Day, especially if DH is not advocating it.

I think DH should call in on his own to see them for a couple of hours.
Pretend you're not well if it makes it easier

I would say to your DH…’If your Dad says anything rude and you don’t defend me I will say something, you have been warned.’

And if he says anything I would say loud enough for everyone to hear ‘Comments like that Nigel are EXACTLY why I didn’t want to see you today, isn’t that right Mark?’

OP, why expect a different outcome when you repeat the same behaviour?

Send your husband to see his family and refuse to have them in your home.

How close in distance are they? And crucially are they expecting to come for lunch? It's very late in the day to refuse to let them come for lunch if that was the plan, too late to make alternative plans but if the intention was just for them to pop in for a couple of hours then the solution is simple, your dh goes to them.

If it's the former scenario then they come this year but any rudeness and they are told politely in the new year that they are no longer welcome in your home, but be the better person by not causing the fuss on Christmas Day

If you agree to see them

1. Tell your husband not to leave your side, that’s non negotiable, feign migraine whatever
2. If something is said. “ I’m sorry I didn’t quite hear you, can you please repeat yourself, it’s my migraine!”
3. You can hold your boundaries without looking aggressive. Be cleverer.
4. Ultimately, decide not to give a fuck…. have an extra glass.

Their behaviour is on them, it’s no reflection of you.

When you say you see them on Christmas Day, what happens? Do you mean for lunch? Do you go to them or they come to you?

Ideally your husband could go for an hour in the early evening while you stayed home.