In laws and Christmas Day

[Emmaisinadilemma]

I'm in a real quandary.over Christmas Day.

I'm very low contact with dh's parents.

There is a very long history but essentially it's all down to fil being rude, obnoxious and nasty. He has made truly dreadful comments to me almost every time I've ever been in his company. It's become too much to bear and I can no longer ignore him. Even when I try to stop him he always has to have the last say. Not only is it the comments but things he has done too.

I've posted about him before on here quite a few times over the years and always get told yanbu and that I should go low contact and that dh should step in.

Dh never says anything, always claims afterwards that he didn't hear or didn't realise. It has caused so many arguments that I have at times wanted to divorce because of my husband's lack of back bone.

Dh has promised to have a word with fil about his behaviour, but of course he hasn't.

We usually see in laws on Christmas Day but I don't think I can stand it. I'm having a rough time personally and I think of fil does his usual it will tip me over the edge.

OTOH I feel very selfish to ask for them to keep away as it's still dhs dad.

Dh will just go along with whatever.

I wouldn't be going it FIL was rude to me, especially if my "dear" husband pretended not to hear.

Your husband could see his parents on another day close to Christmas, he doesn't actually need to see them on Christmas day especially as he isn't bothered.

Yes we do have children and dh will be seeing his parents a few days before with the dc.

They wouldn't be coming for dinner it would just be a visit. Which is why I feel mean saying no.

Dh just tries to sweep everything under the carpet. To me he seems terrified of his dad.

Honestly it's a nightmare and I've been close to asking for a divorce over it.

Unfortunately it's got to the point that I don't want to even be in the same room as fil and I have been nothing but nice and patient and tolerant but it's too much.

Never worry about offending someone who has no problem offending you.

He sounds awful. Does he make the comments to or in front of your children? For me this would be the difference between me gritting my teeth through a short visit and saying a hard NO. Your children should not witness another adult being disrespectful towards you or others. Your husband sounds like a spineless coward.

Easier said than done

I finally grew a spine, and my husband was forced to. When our children said to ‘grandma’ no! You’re always nasty to mummy!!
Grandma didn’t really change, but my children and I did. Therefore my husband reluctantly followed suit. He now sees her alone most of the time. The children are young adults and refuse to see her. And I’m always busy when she’s around!

Why do you feel mean? Your FIL is horrible to you and your DH does nothing to stick up for you. Why does your DH put his parents' feelings before yours, when you have done nothing wrong?

Does your FIL say unpleasant things about you to your children? If he does, I would stop your children seeing your in-laws.

Do you have family that you could visit with the children over Christmas?

@Emmaisinadilemma I dont agree! your husband just chooses not to see or hear what his awful father is saying to you! He most certainly does see and hear!! he is just being a wimp by the sounds of it. is he usually afraid of creating merry hell when that is exactly what he should be doing????? I would demand that you and your children are not subjected to his unwanted company ever again and if he wont comply you can walk him out the door and send him back to live with fil!!!!

You do you, can your DH not see his parent's after your nice Christmas dinner.

I didn't go to my in-laws last year as I couldn't bear to spend time with my h who I'm now divorced from. It felt amazing to put myself first even though I was upset to miss time with my dc.

Id tell your h tonight you're not going. You've had enough. He's making it clear he's putting himself and his parents before you so you are putting yourself first. If he's scared of his dad I'd have a bit of sympathy but not enough to put myself through that shit again.

You're feeling guilty - ask yourself this: When it comes to your H standing up for you -

Why is it OK for you to feel unhappy, upset and anxious? But it's not OK for FIL to be held to account for his behaviour in case he's upset and it causes problems?

Your H is happy to see you, his wife and the mother of his children, be upset, because that's preferable to telling his father to stop being a dick. If the boot were on the other foot, would you accept your family behaving like this to your H even if you knew how upset he was by it?

At the very least stop feeling guilty, because YOU have nothing to feel guilty about.

Your H sounds like a weak man. Be careful about expending your time and effort and emotional energy on a weak man - it's rarely worth it.

If they are just visiting can you just go on a different room and let him deal with it?

Sounds blissful to me.

It's pretty late in the day to change arrangements.

It's never to late to put your foot down op. Never.

How dare this impact you so much you married dh and did not sign up for a life of abusive behaviour that makes you feel this bad.

Consequences..

I've actually tried this and they just prolong the visit and then when I eventually surface dh is like "oh look Emma is here you might as well stay for another drink".

I heard a phrase that perfectly describes dh with his family. They are enmeshed.

Not these days because dh has broken away but for years they were completely enmeshed.

You are all correct though. Fil hasn't cared, sh hasn't cared enough to stop it so why should I feel any guilt?

Nothing has actually been arranged but the usual is that they come to us either morning or evening before or after Christmas dinner.

Tell DH to say that won’t work for you this year. Or be out.

So from now on they don't come. Your dh can go see them for an hour or two instead. If you fil is as awful as he sounds, your dh probably is terrified of challenging him. Awful people like to bully their own children and he probably learnt to grey rock early on.

Since he's incapable of basic human decency, I wouldn't have him in the house. Don't feel guilty over that twat of a man. Life's too short.

So what? Good manners went out of the window the day FIL started abusing OP and her DH did nothing to stop him. OP needs to put herself and her children first, as her DH certainly wont.

Op don't do it. Why on earth should you have to go to another room

I wouldn't put up with him. He wouldn't be welcome in my home on Christmas day. Your husband can go visit them in their home.

Taking the high road has always worked for me . . ..