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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thoughtless son

39 replies

Carleajam · 20/12/2024 12:23

Am I being too sensitive? Basically my son got married 3 years ago and they have a beautiful little daughter. I baby sit once a week but I crave to spend the occasional quality time all together as a family. This hardly ever seems to happen.

I have invited them for a weekend break next year all paid for. They have basically ignored my invite saying they are busy at the moment and will think about it.

This is not the first time this has happened. I have invited them away before. I have invited them round for dinner or meals out but most times there is an excuse not to come. I realise my son and DL have busy lives but this has really started to upset me.

I get on OK with DL and not sure if she is pulling the strings but then my son has never really wanted to go anywhere with us which I accepted but now it feels different as they have a child.

Every year they go down south at least twice to visit DLs sister and the whole family goes. This hurts me although I never say anything.

Should I keep pushing or just give up. My husband has never got to spend any quality time with his grand daughter either. If it wasn't for me baby sitting I don't think she would hardly know me.

Should I mention how I feel but I'm scared of upsetting them.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 20/12/2024 12:28

It sounds like they are using you for babysitting.

What holiday have you tried to organise? Is it that they wouldn’t like to go to X place? Is it not very suitable for a toddler? Are they trying for another baby and struggling?

You need to talk to your son. Tell him you feel taken for granted.

weaselwords · 20/12/2024 12:29

I wish I knew the answer but fear I will be in exactly the same position when my eldest son has children.

HeyPrestoVinegar · 20/12/2024 12:30

You have a long thread already about this, did you not find any of the replies useful?

Workingclasslass · 20/12/2024 12:32

I think why can’t people just be honest why can’t you have the exact same conversation which you’ve written down here with your son and daughter-in-law on the phone to them? Tell them exactly how this makes you feel or if you want to maybe better write a letter I find that so many problems on here just people that cannot seem to they want if you can ask us the question why can’t you ask them? What are you worried about? Because if they don’t want to talk to you after asking a perfectly reasonable question then there’s the answer anyway

Allthehorsesintheworld · 20/12/2024 12:33

Tbh I don’t think either of my daughters and their respective partners and kids would want to go on holiday with me. We get on well but a week together would be too much.
I think if they’re not responding you’ve got to let it go and not rely on them for company.

Spaceid · 20/12/2024 12:35

Do you really need to start another thread about this. People have you lots of advice and it seems you don’t want to take it. Maybe this is why your son doesn’t want to go on holiday with you?

Hellskitchen24 · 20/12/2024 12:36

What was your relationship like with your son prior to this? Also you say you get on “ok” with your DIL, it doesn’t sound as though you are particularly close so this could also be a factor. I know I personally don’t want to spend loads of time with people I’m not close with. It’s not personal but a weekend away would be a bit “much”.

It’s also not abnormal for the wife (DIL) to want to spend more time with her family.

I am not sure what to suggest really. It may be a case of reframing your relationship with them, and that you’ll never have the closeness that you crave.

Namenamchange · 20/12/2024 12:39

You have a thread running.

but maybe they don’t want to and that’s ok. I wouldn’t go away with my parents or in laws on holiday either.
it’s hard when you are working, there is only so much annual leave and weekends are short.
Be happy you get to spent a week each day you GC

Yes he should have answered you. So ask him.

Twice a year isn’t that often to visit parents.

Namenamchange · 20/12/2024 12:41

Did you go away with you parents/in laws when your dcs were little?

HeyPrestoVinegar · 20/12/2024 12:43

@Namenamchange she wrote on the other long thread that she went away with her own parents.

ginasevern · 20/12/2024 12:47

You posted about this yesterday.

Namenamchange · 20/12/2024 12:48

HeyPrestoVinegar · 20/12/2024 12:43

@Namenamchange she wrote on the other long thread that she went away with her own parents.

Thanks. What was the ops relationships with her in laws like? @HeyPrestoVinegar

404ErrorCode · 20/12/2024 12:49

You got plenty of replies to your previous post.

Although you titled that one Daughter in Law Issues or something similar, where you went on to call her “the boss”. You clearly don’t like her.

Why post again?

JusteanBiscuits · 20/12/2024 12:52

HeyPrestoVinegar · 20/12/2024 12:30

You have a long thread already about this, did you not find any of the replies useful?

Exactly. I think we all know it's not the DIL who is the problem...

Cynic17 · 20/12/2024 12:52

This is the second thread from this poster (at least). There was lots of helpful feedback on there, but clearly the OP has chosen to ignore it.

OP, they don't want to go away with you. That is completely normal.
Please stop asking them about trips away and hassling them, because you run the risk of them cutting you out completely. They have their own lives - not everything revolves around Granny!

VickyEadieofThigh · 20/12/2024 13:03

Not everyone wants to spend their precious free time with parents/in laws. They clearly don't.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 20/12/2024 13:03

What do you want from this thread that you've not got from previous threads?

itsmylife7 · 20/12/2024 13:06

Just continue with the time you get with GC.

Say nothing.

Starlight1979 · 20/12/2024 13:07

I get on OK with DL and not sure if she is pulling the strings but then my son has never really wanted to go anywhere with us which I accepted but now it feels different as they have a child.

You didn't put this in your last thread OP.... Why now all of sudden is DIL "pulling the strings" if your son has never wanted to go anywhere with you?!

Seriously some women will use any excuse to blame their DIL for their own son's behaviour....

Maddy70 · 20/12/2024 13:07

A weekend is precious when you are working and have a child. Tbh not sure I'd want to spend it with my in laws either and mine were lush!

rrrrrreatt · 20/12/2024 13:17

Carleajam · 20/12/2024 12:23

Am I being too sensitive? Basically my son got married 3 years ago and they have a beautiful little daughter. I baby sit once a week but I crave to spend the occasional quality time all together as a family. This hardly ever seems to happen.

I have invited them for a weekend break next year all paid for. They have basically ignored my invite saying they are busy at the moment and will think about it.

This is not the first time this has happened. I have invited them away before. I have invited them round for dinner or meals out but most times there is an excuse not to come. I realise my son and DL have busy lives but this has really started to upset me.

I get on OK with DL and not sure if she is pulling the strings but then my son has never really wanted to go anywhere with us which I accepted but now it feels different as they have a child.

Every year they go down south at least twice to visit DLs sister and the whole family goes. This hurts me although I never say anything.

Should I keep pushing or just give up. My husband has never got to spend any quality time with his grand daughter either. If it wasn't for me baby sitting I don't think she would hardly know me.

Should I mention how I feel but I'm scared of upsetting them.

I don’t think you can compare going to visit family with going on holiday with parents, especially if you’re properly up North.

We visit my family down south twice a year at my mums - my sister lives abroad so she comes over at the same time and my brother is round the corner so joins in. It’s great fun but very intense and can be stressful. I’d love to see them more but we chose to be nearer my MIL. We see her at least once a month, Mother’s Day, Christmas Day, etc - she’s sees a lot more of me than my own family and in a lot more relaxed circumstances.

Would you really trade seeing your son every week for seeing him a few times a year like your DIL does her sister? If not, I don’t think you can be jealous of their visits.

HawkersSouth · 20/12/2024 13:21

I noticed this second thread is written from a more neutral position, your first one blamed it all on your DIL. 🤔

Hadjab · 20/12/2024 13:22

Curious as to why you've posted this again, but with a new title? Is it because yesterday's title got you a lot of negative responses?

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