Thoughtless son

[Carleajam]

Am I being too sensitive? Basically my son got married 3 years ago and they have a beautiful little daughter. I baby sit once a week but I crave to spend the occasional quality time all together as a family. This hardly ever seems to happen.

I have invited them for a weekend break next year all paid for. They have basically ignored my invite saying they are busy at the moment and will think about it.

This is not the first time this has happened. I have invited them away before. I have invited them round for dinner or meals out but most times there is an excuse not to come. I realise my son and DL have busy lives but this has really started to upset me.

I get on OK with DL and not sure if she is pulling the strings but then my son has never really wanted to go anywhere with us which I accepted but now it feels different as they have a child.

Every year they go down south at least twice to visit DLs sister and the whole family goes. This hurts me although I never say anything.

Should I keep pushing or just give up. My husband has never got to spend any quality time with his grand daughter either. If it wasn't for me baby sitting I don't think she would hardly know me.

Should I mention how I feel but I'm scared of upsetting them.

If you say anything you have to be really careful as it could back fire and you could lose the time you get with your GD.
Make sure you make it about your son don’t blame your DIL - sounds like it’s nothing to do with her anyway as you said you didn’t see your son much anyway .

If you do say something I’d say it to your son when you’re alone and keep it low key. “We’d like to see you all as a family, Dad doesn’t get to see you as much as he’d like - perhaps we could have a meal or a day out, what would be best for you?” and see what he says. The fact that he hasn’t been keen to meet up before now probably suggests that might not change.

Definitely don’t mention anything about them going to see DIL’s family down south as that doesn’t sound like a fair comparison. Presumably she doesn’t see them as much in between and she probably organises it with her family. Your son should be the one organising and sorting things out with his side of the family.

I think this post is much more aligned with what the reality is. OP you can’t force them, I would just focus on fostering a relationship with your granddaughter, you probably aren’t going to get the family bit unfortunately. It is disappointing but it is what it is. Anything you say about it would be considered manipulation. I can well imagine this is actually really painful for you, I would be quite hurt as well tbh but theres not much you can do.

I think the fact you've now changed your wording slightly from the original thread yesterday, where you got lots of advice shows how persistent you are. Also how you may change details to suit your own narrative. Advice now would be to back off them, give them space DIL is not the issue and I'm starting to think DS isn't either. There's time to change the relationship you have with them in a positive way without pushing your ideas on them. There must be a bigger reason your not seeing as to why they don't want to spend so much time with you.

Like another PP said, what the point of brining up DIL family visits, where she's visiting lots of family in one trip. Do you want this kind of contact? Seems you have a much better side of things than DIL and her family.

Again everyone mentioned 'free childcare' who suggested this? Was it you, in a way to have your own time with GD in a guise of 'helping'? Either way, maybe have a chat about dropping this down, they may be glad of it (especially if they are doing this to ensure you get time with GC) and tou don't have to then provide 'childcare'.

This times she’s blaming the son rather than the DIL. Both of them sound like twats and you should stop babysitting for them.

I haven't read the original thread, so I'm only giving advice off what you have posted here.

I can understand that it would be hurtful to feel like your son doesn't make that much effort with you. It sounds, from what you've said, that this is how he's always been. Maybe you have to accept that that is who he is as a person and decide what you want to do with that information.

Don't keep pushing for family holidays. It's clearly something he's not bothered about or interested in. I fear that you're only going to end up disappointed and maybe even alienating him more if you keep pushing the issue. He's shown you that he's not bothered about it-take note of that information and move forward.

I completely understand that you want more quality time with your son-have you tried having an honest, sit-down conversation with him about how you and your DH feel?

You mention that you think your DIL may be "pulling the strings." I think you need to stop blaming your DIL for the actions of your son. It is his responsibility to maintain a relationship with you. Not hers. So, often, these types of threads from MIL's always devolve into the MIL blaming the DIL for the actions or failures of their sons. Maybe you can't/won't accept that your son is the problem and let him bear the accountability for that. So, it's easier to blame the woman who has "stolen" him from you.

It doesn't sound like a nice position to be in, I'll be honest. It sounds like you are doing them a massive favour, providing childcare once a week, and he's not putting much effort in with you.

The only way to get to the bottom of this is to have a chat with him, be honest about how you feel and take it from there. In the end, if he's always been this way, you may have to meet him where he is and decide what you'd like to do from there.

You can’t make someone want to spend time with you and even if you could, how enjoyable would it be knowing they would rather not be there?

it’s great you see your granddaughter every week (as long as you’re happy doing this) - lots of grandparents don’t get to see their grandkids this often. Focus on this positive

I've had a lot of advice some positive but mostly negative. I reposted because I wanted to get a different perspective if blaming my son.
At the end of the day I will have a conversation with them. It's only courtisy to respond if someone invites you somewhere whether you want to go or not. I'm not expecting a full week with them,
only a couple of days and the weekend would completely revolve around our grand daughter. It was for her to enjoy.

You are the problem. These threads show it.

Really. Do you know me?

Has it been helpful to you posting OP? I know you're upset they haven't responded to your invite but has your position or thoughts on the situation otherwise changed given the replies on this thread and the previous one?

When did you invite them, OP?

Obviously it’s rude not to respond. However at this time of year my social battery is rapidly getting drained & we are about to enter the two week period of overexcited children, & the complicated logistics of family Christmases, visits to extended family and friends etc. Honestly if someone text me this week trying to organise a weekend away my reaction would probably be “ffs I can’t think about this just now.” I would be much more enthusiastic if someone called me towards the end of Jan and said “shall we plan a little weekend away in the spring.”

I live near my in laws and a long way from family. Visits with my in laws do tend to be a quick catch up while picking up or dropping off grandkids because we see them all the time. When I see my family it’s a full on visit & we probably do more exciting things, but they aren’t the ones who get invited to watch the kids carol concert or pop round for a slice of cake on their birthday.

They just don't want to go away with you. It's not complicated. I can't say I've ever wanted to go on holiday with my DPs or DPILs. It just wouldn't be fun. Going away with siblings or dh's siblings is fun.

You need to quote the person you're replying to otherwise you won't make sense.