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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL constant texting, am I overreacting?

60 replies

Rudolphrednosed · 20/12/2024 07:13

I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or not.

MIL struggles a bit with boundaries especially as she is extremely close in distance and relationship to DH’s sister and brother.

DH and I live an hours drive away so don’t see her as often but we make the effort once per month or so.

She’s started texting us every single day, we’ll have a message before 6am asking how our night was (we’ve got a baby) and another before 9pm wishing us goodnight. Plus loads of other messages during the day. We have a group chat as I was sending pics of baby on it.

AIBU to find this really suffocating? It feels too much that she literally thinks of us before we’ve even got up. Plus I don’t feel the need to share details of every single night with her. If we have a bad night with DD keeping us up then she’ll follow up with a barrage of advice or spend the day googling what could possibly be wrong. It just feels too much. I’m capable of Googling or getting care for her myself if needed.

AIBU or should I just be grateful she wants to be so involved? I’ve started ignoring the texts but they just keep coming!

OP posts:
Teanbiscuits33 · 20/12/2024 07:25

No, you’re not over reacting, she seems very full on. What happened prior to this? Have you only just moved an hour away? Seems odd how she would just suddenly start texting every day out of nowhere. It’s probably because of your baby perhaps? She wants to make herself useful. She’s probably feeling a bit out of control or lonely and feels she’s suitably qualified to give baby advice? Is the baby your first?

I’d probably message her and just say politely, ‘’MIL, I know you are concerned for us out of love and it’s really lovely, but we can manage, you don’t need to worry so much. We will let you know if we need any help x’

greengreyblue · 20/12/2024 07:27

That’s ott and probably well meaning but it’s invasive. What does your DH think?
Can you mute the chat? Let your DH deal with it. If you keep feeding it by responding she’ll likely keep it up.
As pp says:
I’d probably message her and just say politely, ‘’MIL, I know you are concerned for us out of love and it’s really lovely, but we can manage, you don’t need to worry so much. We will let you know if we need any help x’
But, let DH send it.

InkHeart2024 · 20/12/2024 07:29

Are they in a group chat with your DH? I would leave your DH to respond to them if so. If it's just to you, maybe add DH to the chat!

Mashroom · 20/12/2024 07:33

That’s way too much but she’s lonely and not active enough in her own life
my mil used to ring me after work (I used to arrive home an hour before dh) so I talked to dh and he rang her and dealt with it nicely

(she used to ring me worrying would dh get home from work ok? How were we all getting on, poor dh working so hard) I literally had a tougher job at that time so dh just said when she rings it makes me anxious too about dh getting home and this was the ideal way to deal with it.

Original poster
Rudolphrednosed · 20/12/2024 07:42

DH is in the chat but rarely looks at his phone and when he does reply I think it makes her worse! I’ve tried just ignoring but she’ll keep messaging and eventually call to find out if we’re ok.

OP posts:
Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 20/12/2024 07:45

She's far too much and reminds me of a mil I know...
You need to not be as available in replying back and the times that you do be telling her not to worry and to enjoy her day. Also ask DH to manage her, he needs to let her know it's too much.

Teanbiscuits33 · 20/12/2024 07:49

Rudolphrednosed · 20/12/2024 07:42

DH is in the chat but rarely looks at his phone and when he does reply I think it makes her worse! I’ve tried just ignoring but she’ll keep messaging and eventually call to find out if we’re ok.

She seems like she’s got some anxiety around this. I know you say she’s close with your DH’s siblings so you might not think she is lonely if she has them close, but something is clearly triggering this because she seems quite obsessive over needing to know you’re okay. I’d be thinking about why this might be and asking MIL if she is okay? Say she seems overly worried and you’re a bit worried incase she is struggling with something?

Does she think your DH has abandoned her and she’s trying desperately to keep the lines of communication open? Has she had a past experience of a baby in the family being unwell? Who knows! I would tactfully enquire.

AlertCat · 20/12/2024 07:49

Rudolphrednosed · 20/12/2024 07:42

DH is in the chat but rarely looks at his phone and when he does reply I think it makes her worse! I’ve tried just ignoring but she’ll keep messaging and eventually call to find out if we’re ok.

Mute her and respond every other day? You can point out that with a baby you need to be available and responsive to the baby rather than your phone so you’re instigating digital discipline and only using it within certain times 😁

LizzoBennett · 20/12/2024 07:50

I think it's time for a New Year's resolution to use/look at your phone less OP. You want to be more present in the moment with baby. You hope MIL understands and that DH will try to come back when he can and you'll still of course share pictures when possible.

Original poster
Rudolphrednosed · 20/12/2024 07:51

We’ve always lived miles away so that’s not a new thing. It’s our first DC but not her first grandchild. I think we are coping pretty well though. You may be right that’s she doesn’t have enough going on at home.

OP posts:
Shecan · 20/12/2024 07:52

I’m a MIL and worry I don’t keep in contact often enough. Still working F/T and no time. Have you tried very brief boring replies? How was your night? Good thanks, or not the best v tired, type of thing. Don’t over engage. So you aren’t rude and don’t ignore her, but at the same time don’t engage too much. Also ‘busy right now’ might be a useful phrase.

TinyMouseTheatre · 20/12/2024 07:55

My DFIL can be needy but not in the sane way.

He does phone a lot though and wants constant company. You definitely don't have to reply to every message or if you do, you can leave it hours before responding. I'd also look at seeing if you can remove the ticks do that she can't see if you've seen her message or not.

The response upthread is a good one.

The other thing I'd suggest is a bit of grey rocking:

"How was your night" can be met with "Fine thanks, how was yours"?

ttcat37 · 20/12/2024 07:56

Mute her. Send pics in the group as normal on your timings. Ignore the ridiculous early/ late smothering messages. Tell your husband you’re no longer engaging 1 to 1 with her or answering the phone to her so he needs to pull his finger out. Then forget about it.

SharonEllis · 20/12/2024 07:58

Sounds awful. I think you need to be upfront even better your DH needs to be. Ignoring or short answers might lead to friction and misunderstanding. I think he needs to ask her, kindly, to give you a bit of space, and understand that you don't want to be on your phone all the time. I would just ignore the early morning and late night ones though as thats just a bit weird.

nonbinaryfinery · 20/12/2024 07:58

Your husband needs to step up and tell her to back off a bit.

CatamaranViper · 20/12/2024 07:59

My MIL did that! DS is 8 now and it has died down a lot.
My MIL used to drive me potty in the first year or so with all her advice and telling me how much she loved DS, he ended up having more clothes and toys at her house than he did here!
Whilst it drove me mad, she and DS have a lovely relationship and I know if I ever need her, she's there in a flash.

I did have to tell her that I can't always respond to her messages right away as I was feeding/playing/eating/bathing etc, eventually it died down. I think I even posted about it on here once!

olympicsrock · 20/12/2024 08:01

I would reply with a thumbs up or perhaps fine thanks a few hours later. You can then move towards no reply .
DH needs to have a word to ask her to back off.

ShinySilverThreads · 20/12/2024 08:05

I would be muting her messages

JennyTals · 20/12/2024 08:15

Dh could tell her your trying to not use your phone as much
and that she’s also being ott

nationalsausagefund · 20/12/2024 08:21

Mute, ignore, hand it all over to DH to deal with. She would drive me to the brink of despair.

Changedforthetoday · 20/12/2024 08:27

Tell her you are doing a digital detox in the new year and in particular you don’t want the baby to see you on the phone too much. So you’ll probably only look once a day. Then adopt the thumbs up / red heart response.

Violetparis · 20/12/2024 08:27

I agree with the poster who suggested saying your new year's resolution is to not be looking at your phone as much. I'd start saying this to your MIL now, if there is any fallout let your husband deal with it as it seems he doesn't worry about not keeping up with her messages.

BeTaupeBear · 20/12/2024 08:28

My mil texts me when DH doesn’t respond say asking for picture and never responds to me when I’ve sent them! She leaves me on read and messages DH again saying what lovely pictures!!
So I feel your pain all I do is if I’m sending a picture to lots of people I forward to her too I definitely don’t go out of my way to message. If she’s messaging a lot I ignore for a few hours or give short responses, I do tell DH to text/ call more but there’s only so much I can do.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 20/12/2024 08:29

Cripes how about a new phone /number and keep meaning to give it to her. My ils never had my mobile number.. Dh dealt with all that drama. Your dh needs to manage her expectations.. Which are way too ott. Text before 6 am? That's nuts.

Icecreamlover63 · 20/12/2024 08:31

Maybe she is feeling very emotional at the moment. Christmas brings out the best and worst in people. Has she hot boundaries issues or are they just a close family? I wouldn’t upset her I’d just mute her messages for a couple of weeks and just say you are very busy and haven’t got time to look at messages.

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