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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL constant texting, am I overreacting?

60 replies

Rudolphrednosed · 20/12/2024 07:13

I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or not.

MIL struggles a bit with boundaries especially as she is extremely close in distance and relationship to DH’s sister and brother.

DH and I live an hours drive away so don’t see her as often but we make the effort once per month or so.

She’s started texting us every single day, we’ll have a message before 6am asking how our night was (we’ve got a baby) and another before 9pm wishing us goodnight. Plus loads of other messages during the day. We have a group chat as I was sending pics of baby on it.

AIBU to find this really suffocating? It feels too much that she literally thinks of us before we’ve even got up. Plus I don’t feel the need to share details of every single night with her. If we have a bad night with DD keeping us up then she’ll follow up with a barrage of advice or spend the day googling what could possibly be wrong. It just feels too much. I’m capable of Googling or getting care for her myself if needed.

AIBU or should I just be grateful she wants to be so involved? I’ve started ignoring the texts but they just keep coming!

OP posts:
Goldengirl123 · 20/12/2024 08:34

She just loves you

Goldengirl123 · 20/12/2024 08:38

Sorry I replied saying she just loves you but I can’t find it now to edit it

She is being overbearing but she probably doesn’t realise it. You aren’t being unreasonable.

i suppose what I’m trying to say is that she just cares about you all so much. As you may have guessed, I might be a little guilty of doing this, not to that extent though. Just trying to advise to help

roobyred · 20/12/2024 08:45

This sounds similar to my ex-MIL when we had a baby. I felt so overwhelmed by her, she was so domineering and my ex wouldn't stand up to her/didn't see the issue. I just started ignoring the messages and calls but it drove a wedge between my partner and I and probably contributed to our relationship ending.

So I don't think you are being unreasonable. Perhaps you need to limit the amount of interactions you have on the group chat, use the excuse of digital detox. Pray someone else in the family has another baby. But the main thing is the communication with your partner. He needs to see your POV. If he doesn't do this, then the only option is to be blunt and direct and ask her to stop the early morning texts. If you need help, you will ask.

Lurkingandlearning · 20/12/2024 10:41

Rudolphrednosed · 20/12/2024 07:42

DH is in the chat but rarely looks at his phone and when he does reply I think it makes her worse! I’ve tried just ignoring but she’ll keep messaging and eventually call to find out if we’re ok.

Just cut her call off and send her a text saying she’s called the wrong number, give her your husband’s number and say you have blocked her so she will need to only contact him going forward. Then block her and never give her another thought.

thepariscrimefiles · 20/12/2024 10:47

BeTaupeBear · 20/12/2024 08:28

My mil texts me when DH doesn’t respond say asking for picture and never responds to me when I’ve sent them! She leaves me on read and messages DH again saying what lovely pictures!!
So I feel your pain all I do is if I’m sending a picture to lots of people I forward to her too I definitely don’t go out of my way to message. If she’s messaging a lot I ignore for a few hours or give short responses, I do tell DH to text/ call more but there’s only so much I can do.

Your MIL sounds really rude. I can't believe that she doesn't thank you for sending the pictures but thanks your DH instead. I would stop bothering if I were you.

OhBling · 20/12/2024 10:57

Rudolphrednosed · 20/12/2024 07:51

We’ve always lived miles away so that’s not a new thing. It’s our first DC but not her first grandchild. I think we are coping pretty well though. You may be right that’s she doesn’t have enough going on at home.

My mum wasn't as bad as this but I think, if we'd given an inch, she would have taken a mile and got ths bad. It took a few arguments but she did this a few times - messaged me and when I didn't respond instantly, called - she even called my office/DH/Dsis/BIL on a few occassions. It took me reading her the riot act - I let it go the first couple of times thiking, "oh, she's being a bit silly but I've told her now) and, as importantly, there rest of them not buying her rubbish. But it did stop.

My advice is htat you have to be firm and polite, but escalate if necessary. When she calls because you haven't answered messages for 2 hours say, "MIL - I'm not here just to answer messages, I hae a babny, things are busy." and your DH should be backing you too.

purpleme12 · 20/12/2024 11:00

Is she lonely?
It's nice that she loves you so much!
But I can comment understand why it might feel too much or suffocating

Hiddle1976 · 20/12/2024 11:09

My mum does this. I got a text this morning at 6am. "Hi, how are you?". I was asleep. I don't reply, then a few hours later "are you working today?". I didn't reply to that so got a phone call, that I didn't answer. A few minutes later a text with love heart emoji and I miss you. It does grind my gears.

Grannyinnwaiting · 20/12/2024 11:22

This is my MIL - it's v annoying. She messages both DH and I constantly and treats me as the secretary if he doesn't reply whether it's time sensitive or not- I try not to reply to her messages too quickly so as not to encourage it - she's in her 80s and is I think on the spectrum with poor impulse control so I try to be tolerant and just moan a bit to DH.

CheekySnake · 20/12/2024 11:28

My mother has started this in the last 18 months. It's not 'because she loves me' it's because she's bored and lonely and wants attention. This is not a healthy way to get it (not least of all because I have no attention to give her). I've tried ignoring and tried telling her politely to stop. The only remaining steps are either to tell her rudely to stop in a way that can't be misinterpreted, block her number, or swallow my irritation and put up with it. Most of the time I don't respond and I don't answer calls. I feel your pain OP.

Pinkmoonshine · 20/12/2024 11:32

My mum was like this with me but I didn’t mind and she was being supportive. But there’s a difference between a mother child relationship and an in-law one. I would lock the chat and only check it every 2 days and then reply briefly. Then check it every 3 days etc until you have got it down to a frequency you can cope with.

She sounds like she is trying to support you though! Bear that in mind.

TorroFerney · 20/12/2024 11:37

Goldengirl123 · 20/12/2024 08:34

She just loves you

That’s what controlling partners say. That’s not love.

Pinkmoonshine · 20/12/2024 11:39

Also I’d advise that you keep sending pictures but don’t feel you have to give information. No need really. But the pictures will be special for them to receive.

Original poster
Rudolphrednosed · 20/12/2024 19:28

I don’t want to cut her off as I don’t believe she’s a bad person but I find the overwhelming contact smothering! My DD is a bit under the weather atm and I’ve had a message before we woke up asking how she is then several more throughout the day asking for an update. I also always get a message saying goodnight to her with a soppy message which I just find kind of strange. I’m finding I feel like I have to compete to be the mother! I want DD to have a relationship with her though so it’s a fine line.

OP posts:
Stormyweatheroutthere · 20/12/2024 19:30

Surely dh can update her with pics? Op is nurturing a dc not a mil.

greengreyblue · 20/12/2024 22:29

DH needs to step up and tell her to back off. He could agree to call her once a week.

Original poster
Rudolphrednosed · 21/12/2024 19:07

greengreyblue · 20/12/2024 22:29

DH needs to step up and tell her to back off. He could agree to call her once a week.

We do already call at least once per week. She’s taken now to messaging every night with a rambling message about how much she loves DD. It could be cute but I feel it’s possessive.

OP posts:
jannier · 21/12/2024 19:31

I guess when we are old and live alone we will be in a better place to decide if it's over the top or if we could have done more. If she lives alone and doesn't talk to anyone on a typical day I'm imagining it's pretty depressing and easy to wonder what's the point
Just answer with an all good or thumbs up maybe then a longer message every few days

jannier · 21/12/2024 19:32

Rudolphrednosed · 20/12/2024 19:28

I don’t want to cut her off as I don’t believe she’s a bad person but I find the overwhelming contact smothering! My DD is a bit under the weather atm and I’ve had a message before we woke up asking how she is then several more throughout the day asking for an update. I also always get a message saying goodnight to her with a soppy message which I just find kind of strange. I’m finding I feel like I have to compete to be the mother! I want DD to have a relationship with her though so it’s a fine line.

Is it a direct message to you or the group? Tell DH to do it.

LancashireSquirrel · 26/12/2024 19:16

Hiddle1976 · 20/12/2024 11:09

My mum does this. I got a text this morning at 6am. "Hi, how are you?". I was asleep. I don't reply, then a few hours later "are you working today?". I didn't reply to that so got a phone call, that I didn't answer. A few minutes later a text with love heart emoji and I miss you. It does grind my gears.

Gosh I could have written this myself. Messages before I've even woken up, some from the morning, sometimes some from the night before as well. Some throughout the day, and again at night. At least three times a day, sometimes double that.

I don't reply anymore. Sounds awful but how can I reply to that many messages? When I don't reply it's then met with a question such as "how's is your day?" Or "how is xxx".

I don't feel guilty for not replying. I phone once a week-ish. DH only speaks to his parents when something needs to be said!

It is infuriating and I did say something many years ago when it blew up and she contacted DB after she had sent me about 40 messages with no reply. I said I would speak to her in a few days... hoping she'd understood the conversation and what I was expecting from then on, nope. That night the messages carried on like nothing had happened!

Pherian · 26/12/2024 19:25

Just stop responding to all of her messages and put her on an information diet. Don’t tell her what she doesn’t need to know.

BlueSkies1981 · 26/12/2024 19:27

I mean you could ask try and be subtle by saying that your phone going off isn’t ideal with settling a baby (even though you do probably have it on do not disturb). Sounds like she may be lonely and anxious… though I have a similar situation though am the daughter around the corner who gets several phone calls all hours of the day about anything and everything 😳 i would ask your husband to talk to her x

Hiddle1976 · 26/12/2024 21:36

LancashireSquirrel · 26/12/2024 19:16

Gosh I could have written this myself. Messages before I've even woken up, some from the morning, sometimes some from the night before as well. Some throughout the day, and again at night. At least three times a day, sometimes double that.

I don't reply anymore. Sounds awful but how can I reply to that many messages? When I don't reply it's then met with a question such as "how's is your day?" Or "how is xxx".

I don't feel guilty for not replying. I phone once a week-ish. DH only speaks to his parents when something needs to be said!

It is infuriating and I did say something many years ago when it blew up and she contacted DB after she had sent me about 40 messages with no reply. I said I would speak to her in a few days... hoping she'd understood the conversation and what I was expecting from then on, nope. That night the messages carried on like nothing had happened!

Show quote history

I know it's exhausting. I love my mum, but I'm not going to be at her beck and call. I don't feel guilty either.

Gardenbird123 · 26/12/2024 23:01

Reply when you are ready and keep it short - fine or a thumbs up. Don't answer if she calls and you don't want to talk. If she questions it, say you are busy with the baby and don't have time.

Barney16 · 26/12/2024 23:16

To me I think she's trying to bridge the distance between you by messaging. She probably thought it would be really nice to send a message at the beginning and end of the day to show she's thinking about you but has got stuck in the habit. I would ask your husband to communicate with her more regularly, if he gets in first she won't need to message. I don't mean every day though.