To need some sort of domestic coach?

[Embarrassinglyuseless]

I recognize this comes from a position of extreme privileged but I am drowning! I married a man who has become extraordinarily financially successful - I stay at home and look after our two children (no.3 on the way) - the deal being that I have a pretty unlimited budget, but I need to manage the house and I am TERRIBLE at it

I have a housekeeper who comes for 6 hours twice a week - she does and puts away all laundry, changes beds / sheets - and does all the usual cleaning

I have gardeners who come in weekly and do the yard work

my oldest is at school five days a week - youngest at nursery three mornings

I CANNOT get it together or stay on top of…

• keeping the fridge clean and stocked
• keeping things basically tidy
• making sure the dog has everything he needs (annual check ups / insurance)
• managing all the crap about the cars (mots, insurance etc)
• keeping my car clean and tidy (it looks like I live in it full time. It’s embarrasing)
• paying all the bills etc
• making daily beds
• feeding myself sensibly (the children always have nutritionally sound meals at appropriately scheduled times
• Managing all the homework and reading
• scheduling play dates
• hosting dinner parties occasionally so people keep inviting us
• scheduling travel and holidays
• trying not to be a terrible friend
• occasionally schedule a date or two
• working on house Reno projects

basiclly I feel like life happens to me rather than me happening to my life. I feel like I’m constantly working to fight fires rather than working to a system - I know that I have more time than most people but I really really need help getting it together.

YANBU - take a domestic management course! Or find a coach (bonus points for pointing my useless ass somewhere)

YABU - no one can teach you this - you just have to do it.

Since money is no object, get an (A) admin assistant to come in one day a week to handle all of it. If you have an estate, you might consider an (B) estate manager who will also supervise staff. Option A will be cheaper than B, but B is more comprehensive. And get private professional help for the adhd, which is why you're struggling.

I have to be incredibly organised because of disordered attention. That’s how I manage the condition.

I have never said that systems fix ADHD, merely that they help manage it, they make life more manageable.

I make myself follow my systems otherwise I would be firefighting and I’ve learnt from experience I don’t want to live like that. I still feel regularly overwhelmed but then I do have a lot going on in my life right now.

ADHD manifests very differently in different people.

Will start by saying I haven’t read other responses, so apologies if duplicating here. That list is a good start. Second stage is to break it down into things that must be done, things that are not such a priority.

Anything to do with sorting out children is a must do. But is a section all on its own, again break down into daily, weekly, etc….Play dates are not essential so just decide to host a couple a month, one a week🤷‍♀️

Bills can be set up on Direct Debit, as can Car Insurance, pet insurance, then once a year you tackle each as it comes up. Staggering the cars will help, assuming more than one or two.

Make yourself a list of fridge essentials, plus any extras, and set up a delivery either each week, or fortnight as you need. Get an extra freezer if required, so you have an emergency stock. Can your cleaner do out the fridge once a fortnight, extra pay?

Assuming 3/4 beds, that’s a 20 minute make, easy peasy.

Cleaning car? Not vital except to keep things safe, such as windows. Have a small rubbish bag somewhere and put rubbish, car park tickets etc.. in here. Tidy it once a week, clean it once a month or have it valeted.

House tidy? A quick put away each evening of toys (use storage boxes), other items, will help you keep on top of things and not seem so daunting when you get up.

I would say chill out about friends. Keep in touch, zoom, WhatsApp. With three young children and a house to organise, your time is going to be limited. Could Daddy not spend some time with his children one evening every so often so you can have a meet up? Likewise with holiday planning. Do it together.

Planning and diary reminders will be your friend, in terms of getting organised. But, whilst you are not in a career or employment at the moment, some of the household chores really ought to be shared with your husband, particularly in terms of interaction at times with your children. All the money in the world, all the paid help can’t compensate for having a bit of time for yourself as well, even if it it just to simply make yourself a nice lunch and sit and relax for a bit.

In your situation I would consider buying more domestic help as part of my organisation. It sounds like you become overwhelmed and then mentally paralysed (it's not uncommon!). By organising to have other people do most of the basics, you'd have a shorter list and a more rested brain. Running a house isn't like coping with an interesting job. It's monotonous, tedious, endless and thankless. If you can afford to pay others to do those tasks then why torture yourself? Why not have some free time for yoga, pilates, creative pursuits and something intellectually challenging? You don't have to be a drudge so don't be!

You don’t need a coach. Just get your mind in gear and work it out. 🤷‍♀️

You know absolutely nothing about it. I have adhd and was diagnosed mid 50s some years ago. When I was 25 I set up a "small business" and I sold it last year for over £6m. Plus I had two DC.

ADHD is a fucking diagnosable disability. It DISABLES people. It isnt finding things hard or being scatty. It's that every part of one's life - and all one's life - is negatively affected.

Sure, we all get sore feet from time to time, or twist an ankle, or skin out shins. That does not mean we all experience what it's like to have no fucking working legs at all.

If the children eat nutritious meals, why can't you just eat what they eat? And when they're at school just have a sandwich for lunch.

"ADHD manifests very differently in different people."

@Mirabai

Yes it does which is why I'm surprised at you deciding that the OP doesn't have it when she is diagnoses and had very clear symptoms outlined in her post. In your first post this seems to be because you think she's not presenting like you. I would say that your presentation is unusual, and the OPs is much more typical.

ADHDers can't usually consistently force themselves to do anything. It's part of the disorder. As Russell Barkley says "it’s not a disorder of knowing what to do but rather a disorder of doing what you know"

I didn't read the whole thread, but reading the OP I thought: do you want this job? Of being a stepford wife and running the house to a high standard? I'd much prefer your DH's job.

Perhaps you're drowning because it's the wrong job for you. And you're doing absolutely everything in the house.

There's nothing for it OP, get your arse into gear and be a adult dealing with boring adult stuff that never ends.
Or just get a PA, I don't understand why you wouldn't if you can afford one.
I'm not sure what you do with your time all day every day, but I hope you include activities that make you content or make your children content. The way I see it, if you can outsource all the daily/weekly/monthly shit to someone else, you might as well live a good life.
Also get a chef a couple of times a week for your own meals.

I suggest you to read my posts again as I have at no point said OP does not have it.

You cannot lay down rules about what individuals with ADHD can and cannot do. There are 3 different types for a start. All you can say is what you can and cannot do.

Another one who needs to read my posts.

This is literally the first this o thought when I read you initial post.
I am the same and would be the same in your shoes.

Be kind to yourself, by the time you have got your little one to nursery and oldest to school you get home and have maybe 3 hours to try and sort things and eat.

I imagine you look around daily at all the things you need to do and get sorted, have a little panic, try to do it all but only half do each thing you need to then it's time to go get your little one from nursery and you've got lots of jobs unfinished and feel even worse?! Am I close?

I have started a little routine when I get home from school drop off which sets me up for the day. Could you look at doing one such as: boil kettle, bedroom 1, pour tea, bedroom 2 & 3, drink tea while doing 1 admin job, tidy kitchen. Then the beds are made and you at least have 1 job done, you've had a cup of tea and the kitchen is sorted. Everything else after is a bonus!