To need some sort of domestic coach?

[Embarrassinglyuseless]

I recognize this comes from a position of extreme privileged but I am drowning! I married a man who has become extraordinarily financially successful - I stay at home and look after our two children (no.3 on the way) - the deal being that I have a pretty unlimited budget, but I need to manage the house and I am TERRIBLE at it

I have a housekeeper who comes for 6 hours twice a week - she does and puts away all laundry, changes beds / sheets - and does all the usual cleaning

I have gardeners who come in weekly and do the yard work

my oldest is at school five days a week - youngest at nursery three mornings

I CANNOT get it together or stay on top of…

• keeping the fridge clean and stocked
• keeping things basically tidy
• making sure the dog has everything he needs (annual check ups / insurance)
• managing all the crap about the cars (mots, insurance etc)
• keeping my car clean and tidy (it looks like I live in it full time. It’s embarrasing)
• paying all the bills etc
• making daily beds
• feeding myself sensibly (the children always have nutritionally sound meals at appropriately scheduled times
• Managing all the homework and reading
• scheduling play dates
• hosting dinner parties occasionally so people keep inviting us
• scheduling travel and holidays
• trying not to be a terrible friend
• occasionally schedule a date or two
• working on house Reno projects

basiclly I feel like life happens to me rather than me happening to my life. I feel like I’m constantly working to fight fires rather than working to a system - I know that I have more time than most people but I really really need help getting it together.

YANBU - take a domestic management course! Or find a coach (bonus points for pointing my useless ass somewhere)

YABU - no one can teach you this - you just have to do it.

I do need to do this. I feel silly. In my former life I was a deputy head at a big private high school in the USA and it was SO over diagnosed in our students - parents constantly pressuring assessment and pushing meds on children - I would estimate 10-20% of the student body were medicated.

I was a bit scatty about paperwork but ultimately had a good professional reputation + did a good job - so it felt like a cop out - something I could manage by working harder…

I recognise from many of your kind responses that I probably need some more help here - and that managing ‘one’ job - even quite a hectic one - is different to trying to stay on top of the millions of moving parts of managing a busy house with a very busy husband.

In response to earlier questions about DH - he does what he can - I would prefer that he spent his free time/ down time with our children (which he does - and he’ll drop everything immediately if there’s a problem with me or the children - he’s never missed a nativity or a parents evening - always makes space to have breakfast with us and read a bed time story if he’s working from home). He works crazy hard for us to have a nice life - it’s pressure that I put on myself to stay on top of everything - I feel like I’m not pulling my weight.

I would forget Reno projects unless absolutely necessary, in which case hire professionals to manage it all, but it will cause upheaval e.g. rooms that you can’t use for weeks

Running a house isn't "impossible". It really isn't. Some find it easier than others and cash isn't always the solution

OP my tips are -
(1) ruthless decluttering
(2) tidy little and often
(3) Google calendar for everything
(4) direct debits / standing orders for as much as possible

You don’t have a housekeeper you have a cleaner.

Organisation is what you need.

I know it seems to be in fashion at the min but the lack of being able to do things could you have adhd?

Edited, sorry just read above that you do, I think that answers alot

I don’t think this is an ADHD issue - I have diagnosed ADHD and I am incredibly organised - possibly as compensation.

If OP was deputy head at secondary she has concentration & organisation skills. Whatever subject she taught she would have broken down into chunks to teach. She just needs to apply those skills to the domestic sphere.

In this case it sounds like she has not got her head round the systems she needs to put in place for all this to go smoothly.

Filing cabinet with labelled files for each subject - dog, bills, cars etc.

She needs a master calendar either on the wall or digital with everyone’s movements including hers are mapped.

Food shop should be online with favourites or old orders saved to reorder from. Then top up in store.

Make lists of what needs doing, and just get on and do it. One by one, and tick them off.

I’m offering this advice for free, but it’d usually cost you £250. 🙂

Overdiagnosed or not it sounds like you do struggle with executive function - so do I. Here's how I manage it

• first day of the month I book supermarket deliveries to arrive at 10am Sunday every week. I put "book supermarket" in my diary on my phone so I don't forget to do it.
• day before the shopping arrives the supermarket texts me to remind me that I only have 5 bananas in the basket! I have a giant notebook where I do a meal plan and shopping list. Online shopping is done the night before it's due.
• When the shopping arrives, I am ruthless about chucking out old stuff in the fridge not just putting new stuff on top of it.
• Treat other things like work. So timetable which days you tidy which rooms and time-limit it: 10am - 11am Monday tidy the living room, Tuesday the kitchen, Wednesday the bathroom, if your "meeting" finishes early then great. Timetable in admin times: dogmin is 1pm Tuesdays for example.
• Have a checklist on the freezer or somewhere visible with "end of day tasks" on it - hang up any laundry, make sure surfaces in the kitchen are clear, wipe down table, any crockery in the dishwasher etc.
• Children do homework and reading while you cook dinner.
• Direct debits for absolutely any bill that you possibly can.

I honestly think if you have unlimited spending power then hire a PA for you and your DH.
Just because you're home and not working doesn't mean you are your DH's PA.

You're already looking after the children, that's your job.
Everything else is hard. You're lucky you can afford to throw money at it, so do that!

I have worked in a school as senior admin, and have an AuDHD child. I will say that the hardest people to have a conversation with about ADHD are the teachers who themselves clearly have it but are undiagnosed. When you discuss symptoms they will tell you this is normal. By which they mean, that’s how things were for them too. It’s unlikely you knew the actual rate of medication for your class but if your school was good at SEN and your local state offering wasn’t, it’s very possible you had more neurodivergent kids than the average.

ADHD people thrive in pressured, structured environments - it brings about their hyperfocus. ADHD isn’t about not being able to concentrate, it’s about not being able to force concentration on things you don’t really want to do - or don’t need to do right now.

You would really benefit from medication. Use solder of that cash to fast-track a diagnosis. Have a look at the amazing resource that is ADDitude. And consider online housework coaches like Flylady or The Organised Mum.

Finally - plan your day. I am a carer and also have a lot of house repairs on at the moment - I’m you but on a much more modest scale! I do the same things each day, for example check my emails for 30 minutes each day after the school run, and use that to compile a to-do list in a notebook bought for the purpose.

It is for me too. It's why I have a personal trainer and go to Aqua Aerobics class. I wouldn't keep exercising without accountability.
And when I had a downturn in my motivation and organisation due to personal circumstances I got a professional organiser in for a while to help me to de clutter a bit, explore storage solutions and develop some better habits. It got me back on track and I think it might help you.

I think you need to approach it like a job.
Set up a trello board or something like that and when kids are at school sit down and go through the tasks like you would if you were at work.

Are you American?

I was going to ask if you had ADHD. And then I saw that you do!
I have been a housewife for 20 years. I’ll give you my advice!

1. adhd medication. It’s changed my life for the better
2. Lists. Lots of lists. I also used apps like Bring - it’s a shopping list app and I used my phone diary to organise myself. Put reminders eg birthdays and repeating things like car service, winter tyres for cars, term dates. They can repeat yearly/monthly. Also kids securities.
3. for adhd it’s super important to schedule in things you enjoy. And not to many appointments in a day. My therapist told me a maximum of 3 eg dentist, coffee w friend and supermarket. As you will adhoc put other things in
4. Praise yourself. You are your own boss. Gives yourself credit for the things you do well.
5. There are executive functioning skills coaches for ppl with adhd/autism. Or adhd coaches. Maybe that would be helpful for you long term. To establish routines that don’t bore you.
6. I listen to podcasts and music - really helps me when doing full repetitive tasks like bathroom cleaning.
7. Robot Hoover and robot mop. Love them.

Diagnosed adhd here and had. A successful career, like OP.

It won't get better. At work you had people above you setting deadlines and tasks, people below you to do some of the repetitive tasks and to give a sense of "team" effort. Now? Neither of those.

Because ADHD is almost by definition the lack of the internal "head/boss/manager" which NTs have (and which they think are "normal").

You're experiencing a surge of attention towards your "job" and while the shame and guilt will continue, the urge to Do Something About It will not.

So act NOW! Implement all the advice thrown at you here - much of it excellent - and some of that will stick, some won't. But most important of all, get yourself an ADHD coach. Now. Today.

A housekeeper 2x week is not actually much at all. Why not ramp it up to every day or 4x week? I hate domestic drudgery and I have a very senior job but can’t do housework. I used to be excellent at it and all sorts of to do lists but old age crept in and I blame peri but I became utterly useless at admin. Potentially, ADHD as well. I also would be incapable of performing my job without excellent PA and admin support. I can’t schedule for shit. I can’t run from meeting to meeting on time unless my PA keeps tabs on this. There’s no shame in having issues with executive function. If you are actually diagnosed, why not embrace it, consider medication etc? In terms of tasks, if budget allows outsource everything you can. More housekeeping/cleaning, potentially part-time childcare for pick up/drop off, help with the baby, dinner parties - get a private chef/high-end catering, admin - automate as much as you can. Or get a part-time PA. Play to your strengths in terms of where you want to focus and spend time. Outsource everything else.

I think OP’s right that ADHD is over-diagnosed. In the old days it was just the kids who couldn’t sit down without Ritalin. Now everyone who’s a bit scatty and finds it hard focus is ADHD (which covers significant proportion of the population).

I don’t think she needs medication, she needs support to set up systems so that she’s not writing long lists that run away with her. Instead her life should be subdivided into different areas, and regular days and times for certain tasks which breaks everything down into manageable portions.

If OP can deputy head a school she can run a home - it’s just like running a small business. But you can’t run a small business without organisation.

With respect @Mirabai it sounds like you don’t know a lot about ADHD. Being a deputy head isn’t anything like her current task. I agree her current task is like running a small business but it lacks the “stick” element of being necessary to pay the bills. Something needs to force executive function if you have ADHD. That’s the problem here.

Try reading my prior posts.

Me too.

This book might help with ADHD friendly strategies (it's by far the best book on this I've seen) but I have given up thinking that anything will work consistently. It just doesn't.

amzn.eu/d/aCd4wqI

ADHD wait lists are horrendous in the U.K. and they would probably insist on rediagnosis.

As money is no object, you might as well go private for titration if you want to try medication. They may also require rediagnosis. Find somewhere reputable who have an NHS contract so you know anything they do meets that standard to future proof it.

Good luck.

What a lovely thing to say to someone with a neurodevelopmental disorder.

I love this list!

I wonder if you are perhaps wasting money
on the second cleaner visit?

I had this setup for a while - not my own choice but my DH wanted it as he thinks I am incompetent around the house. But I found that she was, to a certain extent, cleaning things that were already clean as she’d been only a few days before.

Why not make the second visit an organisation or tasks visit?

You have diagnosed ADHD yet are incredibly organised? How did you met the criteria? Or do you have hyperactive/impulsive type?

What the OP describes sounds exactly like ADHD. "Having systems" does not fix ADHD. I have loads of systems and strategies, I am competent incapable of following them consistently and regularly feel overwhelmed and like I am fire fighting and can't cope/keep up. It's par for the course and a very very common story with ADHDers.

Some good advice here. Google calendar is your friend and see a doctor for advice on how to manage ADHD. Whether you have it or not, it might give you some good ideas.

As an aside - do you really need to make beds? Do your own when you get up (not worthy of putting on a list, it'slike opening the curtains or putting your socks on) and the kids will be able to do their own at some point. Till then, does it matter?

I don't remember ever cleaning out the fridge. If there's a spill I wipe it up as soon as I see it. Any out of date food gets thrown out when the shop comes in so that I can fit everything else in!

I wonder if due to feeling overwhelmed, there are other things on your list that really do not need to be there as long as you do certain things as you go along?