To need some sort of domestic coach?

[Embarrassinglyuseless]

I recognize this comes from a position of extreme privileged but I am drowning! I married a man who has become extraordinarily financially successful - I stay at home and look after our two children (no.3 on the way) - the deal being that I have a pretty unlimited budget, but I need to manage the house and I am TERRIBLE at it

I have a housekeeper who comes for 6 hours twice a week - she does and puts away all laundry, changes beds / sheets - and does all the usual cleaning

I have gardeners who come in weekly and do the yard work

my oldest is at school five days a week - youngest at nursery three mornings

I CANNOT get it together or stay on top of…

• keeping the fridge clean and stocked
• keeping things basically tidy
• making sure the dog has everything he needs (annual check ups / insurance)
• managing all the crap about the cars (mots, insurance etc)
• keeping my car clean and tidy (it looks like I live in it full time. It’s embarrasing)
• paying all the bills etc
• making daily beds
• feeding myself sensibly (the children always have nutritionally sound meals at appropriately scheduled times
• Managing all the homework and reading
• scheduling play dates
• hosting dinner parties occasionally so people keep inviting us
• scheduling travel and holidays
• trying not to be a terrible friend
• occasionally schedule a date or two
• working on house Reno projects

basiclly I feel like life happens to me rather than me happening to my life. I feel like I’m constantly working to fight fires rather than working to a system - I know that I have more time than most people but I really really need help getting it together.

YANBU - take a domestic management course! Or find a coach (bonus points for pointing my useless ass somewhere)

YABU - no one can teach you this - you just have to do it.

I find adding new routine to an existing helps.
Like, the day before bin day, I clean the fridge out so I can Chuck any stuff going bad out.
Homework and reading straight after school snack.
Making beds when I put pjs away
And so on.
Other tasks are put on a timetable. When things are done weekly, it only takes a few minutes.
If your car is clean on Monday, it only takes 10 mins probably to clean it on Sunday.
Things like mot, and admin - do it as soon as you get the reminder.

This is brilliant because I completely get it. We both run businesses and make plenty of money but the house stuff for me is a complete blank space in my head. We have housekeeper 2 x week who organises everything like bedding and food in fridge etc and cleaner 2 x week and I have a PA who does a lot of the life admin. I know a few good work who work remotely if you want contacts send me a DM!

You say you coped pre-DC. Were you perhaps in a job which had non-negotiable deadlines and were you getting your dopamine hits from meeting those deadlines? And did you never know what your boss was going to throw your way (or, better still, number of bosses)?
Whilst you can be constantly busy with small DC and they are delightful, much of it is tedious and mundane and there is very little sense of achievement as there is no instant gratification.
First, I'd consider whether you actually want this lifestyle. I'm not saying LTB but might you be better going back to work part time and getting a brilliant nanny and a brilliant part time housekeeper? Then you don't have to spend time doing the things you don't see the point of or get any pleasure from.
If you do, then now is the time to come up with some sort of systems for reminders as life is about to get a lot more complicated! Automate as much as you can - get someone to come over and valet the car once a month/fortnight/week for example. Also (and this may well be unachievable, especially with a newborn in the mix) but try and see a task as including the ending of that task. So getting home and out of the car involves bringing in all of the bags, coats and clearing out the rubbish rather than getting home and immediately thinking about what is going to happen next.

Being pregnant is draining, two small ones are draining. Go easy on yourself, whether you have help or not, just go easy on yourself.

Houses are bloody hard work, I run three (only two have gardens) it was four with my mother's until last year.

Get yourself a timer, mine keeps me on track and stops me getting sidetracked.

I do write a list but don't beat myself up if it doesn't always get done, stuff gets rolled over to the next day.

I've got a paper calendar one of those family planner type where each person has their own column including the dog. If its not on my calendar its NOT happening.

Insurances (cars, dog, houses), my dh does these, he has a spreadsheet that he emails me, no idea why I never look at it.

Bulk buy. I'm a bit of a prepper and have an extra pantry/freezers/fridge in my garage, my weekly shop would look like a panic buyer to most but its my normal purchases which I've done for years. When I need anything I shop my garage first, so does my dd 😂

I used flylady when my kids were little, it gave me a structure to follow. Decluttering helped me as well, less stuff to keep tidy 😂

Agreed.
Have you considered that you may be neurodiverse? This would easily explain your difficulties.
Alternatively, perhaps the problem is that you don't have a single passion in life that makes you leap out of bed in the morning. Is there anything you're really interested in?
Are you depressed, perhaps even without realising it?

This type of household paper planner might you to start. Make sure all you bills are set up on Direct Debit and set yourself reminders on your phone for things like car insurance, MOT - set them 2 weeks before due, 1 week before due etc. Ask the housekeeper to clean the fridge and arrange for a weekly online shop to keep all the essentials in. Write things regarding kids in a planner before you forget. Send the 2 year old to nursery for 2 full days as it will be good for them and you.

There are apps for these things.

My ADHD sister likes the Finch app. You get a cute mascot and tick off things on your list to kind of nurture it. I tried it but I didn't get on with it myself.

My husband and I use one called FamilyWall. This has been brilliant for us to mutually add things to shopping lists and the family calendar. You can colour code it per person and have immediate visibility on what's going on for each family member.

There are other apps that reward you for doing household tasks, I don't know any off the top of my head but I am interested in downloading one to help me stay on track in the new year.

Good luck OP!

Get a grip.. I work 5 days a week without a cleaner and have to do all that. Think yourself bloody lucky.

each of the problems has a different solution

• keeping the fridge clean and stocked

you can get all your dinners from hello fresh and just keep wipes handy so that any spillage in the fridge can be dealt with immediately

• keeping things basically tidy

this is difficult with a busy young family but essentially it comes down to a place for everything and everything in its place. You need to figure out what works for you - if you need to see things to function, then store them in see through containers.

• making sure the dog has everything he needs (annual check ups / insurance)

a large A3 sheet of paper on the wall (behind the door if you don’t want it in your face). Put all dog info on it. Set any reminders to ping on phone for checkups. Put insurance on direct debit.

• managing all the crap about the cars (mots, insurance etc)

one ringbinder per car. Write on the front the month of the MOT and tax. Insurance on direct debit again.

• keeping my car clean and tidy (it looks like I live in it full time. It’s embarrasing)

keep a roll of freezer bags in the glove compartment. And baby wipes in the door pocket. Every time you stop for petrol or park somewhere with a bin, fill a bag full of crap. Use wipes to clean anything and add them to the freezer bag of crap. Put in bin at petrol station/wherever.

• paying all the bills etc

direct debit for the lot

• making daily beds

Fuck that - doesn’t matter.

• feeding myself sensibly (the children always

hello fresh as above

• Managing all the homework and reading

do it all immediately on the day it’s set

• scheduling play dates

doesn’t really matter unless kid is asking

• hosting dinner parties occasionally so people keep inviting us

they’ll invite you - sack this off until the rest of the shit is organised.

• scheduling travel and holidays

get this done for you - i haven’t been on holiday for a few years but you can presumably still walk into travel shops and tell them roughly what you want and they can suggest and book it

• trying not to be a terrible friend

just apologise and say you are a bit overwhelmed

• occasionally schedule a date or two

delegate task to husband to think about and organise

• working on house Reno projects

unless urgently needed, sack that off.

overall you shouldn’t beat yourself up or hold yourself up to some perceived standard of perfection that you think other people achieve - or that you see on adverts and social media. Don’t think that you are incompetent, just tackle each of the problems one by one. And ask for help on here with each specific one. And next time don’t write that you have money/help because people on here will type mean stuff that isn’t helpful and will make you feel worse

Get a VA OR PA.
Worth their weight in gold

Perhaps you don’t have ADHD, like the OP

Why did you post?

And some people just don't find it that easy. If she could "just do" she wouldn't be posting here.

OP, I'd consider hiring a professional organiser for a bit to look at how things might be done in a more structured way and work with you on some systems. It's hard if it's not something you're instinctively good at and if you get stuck in guilt the harder it feels. With someone working with you you'll feel more motivated and accountable.

Why did I post? Because this sounds like a stealth boast of much 'help' they can afford.

I was in this position when my DDs were young … and I totally relate. I had lots of help - paid help, no local family but I struggled to keep on top of it all. Even with help it’s a lot. And yes you’re in a privileged position but there’s only so much you can outsource. Managing a home and raising a family IS a full time job.

What you're posting isn't helpful to the OP is it? Perhaps there are times when your thoughts are best kept to yourself. It doesn't sound like a stealth boast to me. You can have money and still be struggling and need a helping hand. I think it takes a degree of courage to post this and open yourself up to unkindness and criticism.

Could be because it’s all boring stuff

It doesn’t sound like a stealth boast. It sounds like the fact that she has help makes her feel even worse about not being able to organise the things she lists.

plus this is anonymous online. I could say I’m a billionaire with 6 cars and a yacht and an island. Who’s gonna know whether it’s true or not. I’m not sure it’s boasting if it’s to random strangers online. I think the OP genuinely wants help.

I did actually get diagnosed with ADHD when I was living in the states - I dismissed it a bit because it felt like a cop out - I managed my big job ok… maybe I need to consider that some ADHD coaching or similar might help!

Thanks for your understanding - this is it - I feel like a dick becuase I DO have so much available to me and I still can’t make it work.

I’m grateful for so many really practical / compassionate responses.

I can’t quite believe how kind most of you have been! I feel encouraged + supported + galvanised to implement more structure - I need some organisational help rather than paying for more cleaning / tidying hours

I think this is it - Accountability is the key issue for me.

"I have a medical condition which is causing me huge problems but I'm not going to get it treated"

Can you see how ridiculous that sounds? Get yourself onto ADHD meds, you can afford to do it privately. Will make a huge difference.

OP. Have you considered trialling an ADHD medication? Most of them are very quick acting which means you can see if they would suit you and have a positive impact on you quite quickly. Given you have a diagnosis of ADHD, maybe a dual pronged approach of medication and behavioural coaching to build your self management strategies would be helpful

I (on and off because I'm a bit shit) follow the Flylady. I'm not saying it's the best out there but she incorporates stuff like clean out your car, menu planning, admin into her suggested daily routines, parts of which are pretty much the same every week Might be worth a try?

You could look at medication for ADHD or working with an ADHD coach on strategies and systems that will help you manage your responsibilities with support.