If you're a Christmas martyr why do you do it?

[Proteinbananas]

It depresses me that in 2024 it still seems to be a common thing for women to run around doing 'everything' for 'everyone' and getting fuck all in return at Christmas.

I'm not talking about buying for little kids. I get why you end up doing that even if your other half should be doing their share - you're hardly going to ruin a kid's Christmas to make a point.

I'm talking about, buying gifts for partners who don't buy you anything, buying all the in laws presents when your partner/husband contributes nothing to Christmas. Ditto hosting the in laws when all the work falls on you.

I feel like it's the kind of thing that should only happen once and then you realise your efforts were wasted and don't bother doing it again. But instead people post on here that it happens year after year. That's fine if you enjoy it and don't want and expect anything but to keep on running around after everyone and then getting upset when nobody gives you a seconds thought seems insane. So why do you do it?

I have always been of the mindset that Christmas is for me as well as everyone else. I'll absolutely make the effort for the kids but I'm not driving myself into the ground for anyone who doesn't deserve it.

I stopped doing the in-laws etc as I’ve got quite enough to do for kids, food etc and DH is, you know, a grown adult who understands how Christmas works. DH (predictably) doesn’t bother but they’re still of the mindset that I’m somehow stopping him picking up the phone or posting a Christmas card and it’s all still my fault rather than his! You can’t bloody win. 😬

Agree it’s you. It’s tremendous mental pressure and maybe that’s why there are a lot of separations come January. It’s only taken me about 10 years to realise it’s all pressure from retailers. All these ridiculous foods that no one eats the rest of the year. No one in the family asks for it. So I’ve not ordered any of it this year. We are having a curry Xmas day at the request of the kids and it’s so flipping liberating.

I think because women are doing a more subtle version of this throughout the year, it is just amplified and highlighted at Christmas.

Most women I know are still doing 90% of everything at home - the only difference between now and 50 years ago is that they’re also expected to hold down a full time job and pay half the mortgage 🤷🏽‍♀️

My DM does all the cooking. She only lets DF in the kitchen for these things - carving the turkey and getting drinks. Anything else - she gets very cross. DM acts the same if I do go into the kitchen whilst she's cooking. That's not just exclusive to Xmas, its all year round.

You are NOT forced to buy obscene amounts of food, buy for people you don't know what to get them.

Do a meal planner and include the veggies, sides, condiments and only stick to these.

I can't say it ever bothered me that my mother in law blamed me for everything. I had learned early on I was never ever going to please her so I stuck with pleasing myself! At least that way one of us was happy..

Yes that may well be true. Which is even more depressing.

Is she being a martyr though? Is she doing all that whilst complaining that she has to do EVERYTHING.

Or is she quite happy to crack on?

My Mil does the cooking of the turkey. We bring the rest. My DH got presents for everyone and so did I. I'm the christmas grinch but I try to hide it because everyone else seem to love it.

Oh god no way would I be doing this! I buy thoughtful, lovely gifts for my partner but it's reciprocated, he spends time picking lovely things for me too, and he would never dream of suggesting that I buy any of his family's gifts, wouldn't occur to either of us for me to do that at all! Likewise, I don't bloody host anyone and he wouldn't suggest it either.

On the other hand I bloody love the stockings, Christmas Eve boxes, all out decorations and Christmas baking, and that's the only reason I do it - because I enjoy it! That's why I love Christmas, not getting roped into any shit that would make me miserable 😂

It's about ten years now since I stopped even thinking about what to get dh's family for Xmas.

I made my mind up after a Xmas where I did all the work, then spent three days being moaned at.

Fuck that shit.pp

I stopped doing gifts for the in laws after the first year of buying for them as they barely thanked me for the thoughtful gifts I got them. I'm audhd and have to avoid all unnecessary tasks as I get burned out quite easily, so dh had to take some of the workload.

I think I was set a good example. My mother did most of it, but she enjoyed it, and so did I once I was old enough to help. But she was very firm that presents were opened AFTER dinner, so everyone could join in. So I grew up with the idea that Christmas was for everyone to enjoy.

DH was brought up just after the war with a working mother, so was used to looking after his baby sister and starting the tea cooking for when his mother came home. I’ve never had to ask him to pull his weight.

Yes, that's exactly my attitude. I do the bits I want to do and enjoy and leave the rest. Other than some of the little kid stuff that they loved that I used to suck up.

I bought all my in laws gifts. Neither playing the martyr or secretly enjoying it. I did it because I love them and want them to have nice things and if I didn't do it it wouldn't happen.

I agree and I'd like to add - why do so many men hate Christmas so much, when they do absolutely fuck all to facilitate it? Is it because they have to spend money on someone other than themselves? Or because they have to think of soemthing to buy their wife/partner?

I know a few men who like Christmas, but it seems that the majority will snarl and sneer about the waste of time it is when asked. Even when it's their wife that's doing all the shopping/presents/cooking!

I know lots of men who like Christmas and happily contribute. I'm not sure you see many of them trying to fabricate 25 funny elf on the shelf stills, Christmas eve boxes, North Pole breakfasts or feel compelled to clean the skirting boards before family come around to visit.

Some of this shit women just wade straight into without any thoughts of self preservation.

a friend of mine made a good observation on this and that is women need to stop judging other women for the quality of gifts bought.

If your husband buys a crap gift (or no gift) for his own dad, his dad will think "this is a bit of a crap gift".

However his mum will think "why has she let him get that crap gift".

Therefore we get stressed about the gift situation.

I wouldn't consider this martyrdom at all - if they're lovely and appreciative. It's only martyrdom if you do this every year and yet they're awful people who are rude to you and buy you nothing.

Yes, I agree. I have never done Elf on the shelf because I knew it would stress me out and make me resentful. I have had to fight the urge to feel guilty about that mind you. Meanwhile it would never have crossed my husband's mind!!

I only do the Christmas things I don't want to for the DC. Tonight I'll be sitting through another horrible Christmas concert. DH takes care of his own family, I only buy gifts for the small children in my extended family. And I like turkey and the full roast, it's the only time a year where I'll do proper homemade roast potatoes and stuffing.
My DM was a Christmas martyr and was always furious by 4pm. SiL seems to be heading the same way.

I love buying gifts, baking and cooking. If I didn't I would plan something different. I grew up with a negative and vile mother. Don't think that buying gifts and cooking is good for your children if you're just whinging the whole time.

I love Christmas, but I refuse to wear myself out with it. I stopped buying for in-laws years ago so DH does that. I buy everything else, but DH makes a point of choosing one gift himself for each of our children. I enjoy the present buying though so not fussed.

Typically I sort the food (and buy way too much) and DH does the cooking. He's also a much better host then me, I always forget to offer people drinks 🤣

My friend is a Christmas martyr and it drives me bonkers. I tell her to stop all the crazy, as I doubt her family would care, but she refuses because it's "my family tradition". Meh, more fool her.

Yeah I'm less martyish than I used to be

We don't host

I've outsourced responsibilities onto DH

I've stopped buying for the in laws as it's not as though DH would buy my parents presents for me. When my ILs mentioned to me about so and so not getting a birthday present or a thank you card I was just honest and said "I guess DH couldn't be bothered". They eventually got the hint and had a go at him for all the things that hadn't been done.

What do they say when you ask why they think he can’t buy/post a card himself?