If you're a Christmas martyr why do you do it?

[Proteinbananas]

It depresses me that in 2024 it still seems to be a common thing for women to run around doing 'everything' for 'everyone' and getting fuck all in return at Christmas.

I'm not talking about buying for little kids. I get why you end up doing that even if your other half should be doing their share - you're hardly going to ruin a kid's Christmas to make a point.

I'm talking about, buying gifts for partners who don't buy you anything, buying all the in laws presents when your partner/husband contributes nothing to Christmas. Ditto hosting the in laws when all the work falls on you.

I feel like it's the kind of thing that should only happen once and then you realise your efforts were wasted and don't bother doing it again. But instead people post on here that it happens year after year. That's fine if you enjoy it and don't want and expect anything but to keep on running around after everyone and then getting upset when nobody gives you a seconds thought seems insane. So why do you do it?

I have always been of the mindset that Christmas is for me as well as everyone else. I'll absolutely make the effort for the kids but I'm not driving myself into the ground for anyone who doesn't deserve it.

I used to be a Christmas Martyr because I felt like we would somehow be missing out if I didnt do absolutely everything. I’ve really changed my attitude to christmas over 6 years of being a parent, and thinking what sort of Christmas I want to model for my daughter. Like fk do I want her running herself ragged for (usually) little appreciation. I have found Zoe Blasky - Motherkind podcast useful for this - theres an episode called “xmas pressures are insane: be a rebel and do it your own way” which I would recommend.

I’ll confess that I’ve been a Christmas martyr, but I’m not as bad as some.

I find that Christmas is always evolving, and it’s a work in progress. I have a Christmas note book and I always write down what to do and not to do for next year.

This year our parents bailed out of Christmas at ours despite in the past laying the guilt on thick about “family”. As a result I said no to hosting other people in my DHs family who would usually invite themselves as well. Not offering next year, and in fact when DH and I are off next week, we’ll be sorting out our Christmas holiday 2025.

Some of my family also just dropped “no gifts” on me a few days ago despite me already posting them off. That’s fine, I’ve sucked that up, but I did respond to my sibling that I’ve already sent off the presents, but that’s fine and this is the last time I’m doing it too. No presents moving forward.

Also, the cards I receive are dwindling. Next year I’ll only send to older relatives.

Yes, I’ve been a martyr in the past, but year on year I’ve got better. I used to buy lovely presents for my SIL but can’t tell you one thing she’s bought me in 30 years. There was a bit of a strop thrown when I stopped, but I didn’t care.

It’s not always the expense, it’s the hassle of it all.

I think next year I’m going to be more ruthless.

I've never felt it should be my responsibility to sort out presents for my in laws. Very much my husbands job! I wouldn't expect him to sort out my parents either

When my kids were little I was very desperate for everything to be like out of a storybook and perfect, so I busted a gut to achieve that. Ex DH did help, but not the main brunt. We separated 6 years ago, kids are 50/50 with each parent, but every year it's alway me still hosting Christmas day at my place, to which ex DH comes. I have always found it super stressful and the guilt of us not having been able to keep the marriage together and the family life makes me feel even worse at Christmas for this one day when we're kind of fakely together as a family (ex DH's partner only 'allows' us to meet as a family on kids' birthdays, and ex DH enables that). I also always have my elderly, not uncomplicated Mum visiting from abroad and I feel obliged to invite neighbours over and bake things. I genuinely dread Christmas for months ahead and feel tearful at the thought of it. This year weirdly it feels a bit different, maybe as I'm getting into the perimenopause and so give less of a fuck generally, and my DP of nearly 5 years will be with us this year and it's really nice to think of him being there (although also guilt etc), and I've sort of decided to not kill myself making home made mince pies etc (live abroad also so hard to get stuff like that), and decided to at least try to enjoy it and get the kids to help more (they are 18 and 16). I think it's so easy to become a martyr though because all the insidious feelings about what is to be a wife and or mother seem to be crystallised around Christmas, that for me it's always felt like overwhelming pressure to be perfect. So hopefully - not this year!

She's happy to crack on. DF and myself wash up as have the posh stuff which doesn't go in the dishwasher and saucepans which have wooden handles.

At least my DF knew what I was given for gifts, as he usually bought them himself. As he did a lot of traveling around the UK, popped into a Toys R Us en route somewhere.

It’s only on here I see women doing this. Every couple I know shares the load, but they both work full time. We both work full time in similar jobs and share the load at Christmas and throughout the year. It makes for happy, stress free parents and children. So I’m not going to change anything!

Some people love it. And some people love to burden themselves so then they can moan about it.

It really irritates me that Christmas and birthday cards always come from my sister-in-law like my brother has forgotten how to use a pen.

Said better than I could but this pretty much sums it up

DP has given up his career to be a carer for my son to allow me to take a promotion last year. I couldn’t have done it if he continued working full time and voluntary redundancy came up at his work so it worked out perfectly. He wasn’t career oriented and I am.

He has a small income from renting out a property and gets carers allowance. I earn more than enough to cover mortgage, bills and fun money. So I have covered the costs of Christmas which has involved throwing a few things in my Amazon basket for his family because it’s not too much of an ask.

The rest - food shopping, decorations etc - I care about and he doesn’t. He would genuinely be fine going without and would make a bit of effort for the sake of my son but nowhere near the experience I want to create for him.

But then, compared to many of the women I see on here, I still do the bare minimum. So maybe that’s why it doesn’t bother me!

DP does the cooking and food ordering. He is also in charge of DC’s Christmas list after one year totally screwing up the perfect system I had in place by going rogue and DC ending up with duplicates.

I do the majority of organising (and for DC’s December. Birthday too) and present buying and we share the load for cleaning the house and general admin stuff.

If he didn’t pull his weight we wouldn’t be together. I like to make a bit of an effort with Christmas and he does too now - after being a bit of an Ebenezer for years before we met.

If the load isn’t shared fairly, then only do what suits you.

This is me! 100%! Ditto birthday presents when I'm still asked why his family sometimes don't get them - not my responsibility!!

I know few people who do this. I'm 62 and my DH cooked Christmas dinner. He was a tidy cook too. He also was in charge of his family's gifts and Xmas cards.
Most of my friends the same. If they did the cooking the husband did the washing up etc. I only know one friend who does everything and everyone considers her husband a selfish bully and her a bit of a fool for putting up with it.
I think a lot of women who do take it all on think no one can do it as well as they do.

I am not. I buy alongside my husband from my wages ....he buys what he buys. My mother in law is the martyr. She used to send me gifts even when I was NC with her

I do my own married family Christmas and visit occasionally the in laws now ...

I have a tiny kitchen. I don't want one else squeezing in prodding poking and fucking things up.

I don't do any of the clearing up.

I buy for OH and he buys for me. I mainly do the kids but he gives me money towards, I buy for my family and he buys for his.
I don't stress about Xmas dinner because it's just a pimped up version of a roast which I do on a weekly basis, infection it's probably easier because we prep the day before.
If what we did stressed me out that much, I'd cut it back. That's the only advice I could give anyone, it's one day, lower your expectations and enjoy it.

For the kids

I've rejected Christmas matrydom.
I have two daughters and I don't want to model that behaviour to them.
So I don't host.
I don't buy presents for in-laws.
I don't write the Xmas cards for in-laws.
If DH forgets, it's all on him. I ain't picking up the pieces.
You'll just find me on Xmas day with a glass of wine doing F all.

I have been there and in my efforts to pull back I think I overshot the mark and just wanted to cancel Christmas - I still get a bit panicked thinking about the years I was in the thick of the martyrdom screaming inside with the stress. I think we probably have a good balance now but a few eggs got broken along the way. People don’t like it when you stop.

Heartening to see so many people rejecting the martyrdom.

I think some are misunderstanding what I mean by martyrdom though, I don't mean doing lots of stuff you WANT to do and enjoy I mean taking on extra work that you don't need or want to do then complaining about it.

I also agree with the poster who mentioned modelling it to her daughters. I do think it's important are kids understand that we're human beings too who are worthy of some consideration - it's not healthy for them to see us being taken for granted

Because no other fucker does it?

Honestly, now in a long term same sex relationship it’s so bloody nice sharing the load.

Theres no questions asked, it’s all just equal.
So much nicer/easier/less burdened/guilt free if I don’t do it (because it wouldn’t have been done otherwise).

Good for you, successfully pulling back. For all I read these Christmas threads and think 'for god's sake just stop doing it all!!', I do see it can't be easy to stop once you've started.

I don't do anything unless I'm happy to do it myself. Sounds like a selfish way to live but it makes me happy so that's priority for me:
I have kids so I give a F who gets upset over whatever.
If something is not in my interest or my dc then I don't do it. I'm absolutely OK with not being liked.

My DH declared this year that he hates Christmas and wishes it was a day like any other. No tree, no gifts, no family, nothing.

In his mind it's because all these things require some level of input from him. He just doesn't get enough out of it to warrant the effort. He doesn't derive meaningful pleasure from a big family lunch; having a decorated tree in the house; children excited about gifts; carol concerts and christmas telly.

He loves playing football with DS. He loves helping DD with her maths and science projects. Knowing he's providing a safe and comfortable home for his family makes his job worthwhile. Popping into lunch with his parents on a random Sunday can sometimes be just what he needs. He just doesn't get anything out of Christmas.

So he doesn't do it. And I can't fault the logic. I love all that tinselly shit so I do it all, and he 'suffers' through it. I'm martyring myself to my own fantasies and my children's Christmases. But it's all unilateral, I decide to do it and I execute it. The day I decide to stop, there will be no complaints from DH (probably will be from the DC, rod for my own back!).