Estranged mother is ill - WWYD?

[ConflictedBeagle]

Very long backstory to this but the basics are that my mother was generally good to me as a child, provided everything I needed and more materially, was usually complimentary, always said she was proud of me although rarely affectionate and occasionally mentally abusive (not speaking to me for days on end as a young child, telling me I would be kicked out of I ever did X, Y or Z and calling me ungrateful for her feeding and clothing me). I always felt very grateful and was never in any sort of trouble at school or police as I got older, so never brought her any trouble.

When I was 17, she kicked me out of the house on Christmas Day because my room was a mess and I was left walking the streets and ended up having to stay at a friend's house for several days. I was mortified and only allowed back home after begging. Things deteriorated further and by age 18, I had a boyfriend and she couldn't cope with that. I went on holiday with my boyfriend and on the day I got back she kicked me out, after physically threatening me. She shoved all my things in bin bags and threw them in the street. I never went home after that day.

Over the years we have tried to have some sort of relationship but it never ends well. At this point, we will speak if we bump into each other but that's it. I am now almost 40 with children, partner, good friends and a comfortable, peaceful life that I am really grateful for and she is almost 80, lives alone and has fallen out with every friend she ever made, which is terribly sad.

She has sent me a message to say she is unwell and has been for a while. She seems to have some sort of tummy bug and a cough, can hardly breathe and every night she is wishing to die. I suggested she calls 111 but she said she is too scared in case they make her have carers which she can't afford.

I am at a loss what to do. In the past she has lied about serious things, including contacting me while I was on holiday visiting family to tell me she had suffered a stroke, when in fact she had never even been to the GP let alone hospital.

How would you all deal with this? I would really appreciate any input as my head is spinning.

I would do nothing.

Repeat after me - I am NOT responsible for the health and well-being of my abusive mother. I can be kind to her at a distance without taking ANY responsibility for her and her life. I owe her nothing.

Please take care of yourself, breathe, and do not be pressured into anything.
Big hugs.

I’m so sad to say that I can relate very well to this - all the incidents you mention - emotional abuse and being kicks out /walking the streets at 17.

one major difference between mine and your mums was that my mum was a rancid alcoholic and never even nearly made 80!! She was diagnosed when terminal cancer at 66 and was dead soon after her 67th birthday

from what you’ve said OP - don’t go there

prioritise your life now !!!

Agree with above, I would do nothing.

I would just reply "Feel better soon" and leave it at that.

I would do nothing too. The mother is not her adult child's responsibility.

She's done nothing to foster a familial, mother/daughter relationship with you (quite the opposite) you dont owe her anything. I would tell her I hope you feel better soon.

I would request social services do an assessment/welfare check. Tell them she has been sending concerning messages and that you are unable to go in person due to the scale of previous abuse.

I would do this in order to know that if she’s found dead next week you’ve done what you could.

Reply telling her to contact her GP. Inform social services to see if they can help. Keep your boundary. Let her manage on her own. You have a good life despite her nastiness and there’s no need to go through stress and anxiety because of your bio mother. Tell her that you aren’t available by phone so she can write you a letter if need be. Don’t get involved in her lies and drama.

Your mother has alienated every person she had over time so now in her hour and f need she calls .
No chucking your child out on Christmas Day is enough to say block her and get on with your life .

She wasn't a good mother to you, which probably makes it really difficult for you to be compassionate towards her. Is there anything that would drive you to visit her?

I hope you manage to make your decition from the suggestions made here. It's not an easy one.

Have you have any support or therapy to process what you have been put through, and to help you make a decision? In your shoes, that's what I'd do.

Not speaking to you for days when you were a child is manipulative. She hasn't changed.

You've been conditioned from a young age to appease her, show gratitude to her and to look after her emotional needs above yours.

Now's your chance to look after yourself first and hold that boundary firm.

You don't owe her anything.

If you need to do something, call social services in her area or even 999. But you don't need to engage with her.

It might feel uncomfortable but it will pass.

I was in a similar situation to you. I did make the social welfare referral for a welfare check and some daily care hours were provided. That and dropping in food weekly and paying for a weekly cleaner allowed me to do assuage my conscience without getting emotionally involved.

I would advise her again to contact 111 or her GP and leave it at that.
DH dad was an awful person to him and they were NC. Dad was only interested in being "nice" to DH when he was dying of terminal cancer and wanted the support/forgiveness/money. DH wasn't having any of it and remained NC which was the right choice for him. Years on, he is comfortable with his decision.
You have to do what is right for you.

I had a very similar upbringing to yours and finally went no contact with my mother 10 years ago when she started treating one of my kids the way she treated me. I know that if she phoned or text me (she wouldn't) that I would not run to her rescue. Fortunately I do have a sibling who is still close to her (we had a completely different upbringing!) So my sibling can run after her if they want.

If my sibling was not around then I would contact the gp surgery or social services. That would be the extent of my assistance and I would not be guilt-tripped into giving more than she deserves from me.

It sounds so harsh but I have been left with emotional baggage because of her and have spent a long time working through my feelings and trying to be a normal functioning person.

Best of luck to you and please put your own emotional and mental wellbeing first.

I find it useful in any decision making process to not necessarily think about what you should do, but what would you regret more?

If you have a path of two choices - in this case, to get involved or not, think to yourself "if something happened, would I regret not having done something?"

If the answer to that is no, then do nothing.

If the answer to that is yes, then think about what you can do that is going to affect you the least.

I would do as @SensibleSigma has suggested and report a concern and step away.

Remember the way she has treated you. The fact that she has no friends, while you've built a happy life tells you which one of you is the better person.

Remember that she isn't deserving of your love and kindness, so anything you do choose to do, you are doing for your own peace of mind and conscience, not for her.

Thank you all so much, these comments have really helped me. I have again suggested she calls 111 to get the treatment she needs but she has flatly refused, so Iam now considering a social services call then leave it at that, let the professionals decide what is needed.

Again, thank you to everyone who took the time to help

You’re welcome OP unfortunately I can relate so much to this

She has nobody else to turn to.
But that's of her own doing.
Don't allow her to make you feel responsible, she left you to get on with it as a teenager. Let her reap what she's sown.

A really difficult one, and a difficult one for me to comment on without sounding a nasty old bitch - I don’t like being nasty :-)

Until your mother is dead, there is no finality for you.

social services will keep u informed if she asks them to, and it will be on her terms not yours!

Hiw old r your children?

would it be easier, just to go round there with a few days of frozen meals, and don’t let her talk about you, the narcissist in her will live that it’s all about her.

if she isn’t dying - you can tell yourself a leopard never changes its spots - I’m done!

if she’s dying - you will still have the upper hand - you set the boundaries - and don’t be manipulated in to change your mind - stay strong - she’s the horrible one - not you

I think your suggestion to let social services know she might be struggling is wise.

Don't get involved beyond that.

She has made no effort previously to be involved in your life in a positive way so you don't want her to suck you back in/guilt trip you because she has a practical need for your support and has alienated everyone else...

Could you say to her if she phones you again "Look mum - I'm not coming to help you and you know why. I am telling you to contact 111 or 999 if you're not well. I'm telling you to contact your GP. If you don't want to do that, I'm still not coming to help you. There are people who can help you but it's not going to be me. I hope you make a recovery."

I wouldn't resume a relationship with her. You have your life stabilised and are starting to heal from her abuse. Getting involved again at what may be the final stage of her life will be incredibly difficult and emotional and will open up old wounds. If you do decide to call or visit, try to treat her with distance (as if she were an aquaintance you're just being kind to) If you are worried for her health or wellbeing contact adult social care.

The minute I read your title, my answer was ‘nothing’. I still think that. Phone SS and leave it at that. After how she behaved towards you, she made her bed, no good will come of getting involved.

Spot on comment.