Estranged mother is ill - WWYD?

[ConflictedBeagle]

Very long backstory to this but the basics are that my mother was generally good to me as a child, provided everything I needed and more materially, was usually complimentary, always said she was proud of me although rarely affectionate and occasionally mentally abusive (not speaking to me for days on end as a young child, telling me I would be kicked out of I ever did X, Y or Z and calling me ungrateful for her feeding and clothing me). I always felt very grateful and was never in any sort of trouble at school or police as I got older, so never brought her any trouble.

When I was 17, she kicked me out of the house on Christmas Day because my room was a mess and I was left walking the streets and ended up having to stay at a friend's house for several days. I was mortified and only allowed back home after begging. Things deteriorated further and by age 18, I had a boyfriend and she couldn't cope with that. I went on holiday with my boyfriend and on the day I got back she kicked me out, after physically threatening me. She shoved all my things in bin bags and threw them in the street. I never went home after that day.

Over the years we have tried to have some sort of relationship but it never ends well. At this point, we will speak if we bump into each other but that's it. I am now almost 40 with children, partner, good friends and a comfortable, peaceful life that I am really grateful for and she is almost 80, lives alone and has fallen out with every friend she ever made, which is terribly sad.

She has sent me a message to say she is unwell and has been for a while. She seems to have some sort of tummy bug and a cough, can hardly breathe and every night she is wishing to die. I suggested she calls 111 but she said she is too scared in case they make her have carers which she can't afford.

I am at a loss what to do. In the past she has lied about serious things, including contacting me while I was on holiday visiting family to tell me she had suffered a stroke, when in fact she had never even been to the GP let alone hospital.

How would you all deal with this? I would really appreciate any input as my head is spinning.

This sounds like the best option - you're doing something, but not everything. I'm a similar age and with a not-too-dissimilar situation with a parent, I completely understand. 🤗

My grandmother has estranged herself from her children through exposing them to abuse, not believing them when they told her and a lack of care, support or interest in their lives. She is now elderly and vulnerable and is quite frankly reaping what she sowed. She's lonely and unwell but no one cares, because she did not care about them.
As a family, we ensure she is supported by her GP and SS, to provide her with housing, care and health care but that is as far as anyone is willing to help.
For your own wellbeing I would suggest the same, speak to her GP, report to SS and don't contact her.

I’m going slightly against the grain here. I had a parent who treated me badly as a child and was a difficult parent when I was an adult. I chose to remain engaged and helped when I could although didn’t exactly go to the ends of the earth. I’m not saying I was right, it’s just what I did. He died in 2022 in his early 70’s, so not old. I’m glad I did what I did, FWIW.. I’m just sharing my experience, I’m not trying to tell you what you should do.

You deserved so much better, I feel heartbroken for teenaged you, how could she be so horrible and irresponsible?

Not sure what I’d do in this situation but you’ve already done more than she’s got any right to expect just by engaging with her.

I am NC with my dad. He has been and still is very ill. I have no desire to be in contact with him and would feel hypocritical if I did now. Do nothing.

Mine pulled this stunt so many times after I went NC. Even getting neighbours to phone me. I'm done with her now. She's in sheltered accommodation, they'll phone me when she dies.

Tell her to go to the GP and organise carers. This is the UK and these things are not an issue.

This is the UK, wether you get involved or not, the case ends up usually the same way. Homecare or a carehome.

You could reassure her that no-one will make her have carers, if she’s skint, social services will pay for them, if she’s got too much money for that, she can just say no.

It would be decent as a human being to try to get her help. You definitely don’t need to go and see her. As a PP suggested, do watch your back by making sure you’ve reported her illness now she’s alerted you to it.

I’m not sure I quite understand your reply. I’m in the U.K. too.

I’m in the same boat with my dad. I’d do nothing. Seriously. They’re shutting themselves now because they know what they’ve done and they know who they are and they’re trying to ensure their own survival now. They know. They know what they done. And so do you. Don’t fall for it.

I needed that right now. Thank you.

If it was the country I am coming from, if your children did not look after you, you would be laying down in your home in excrement for ages before a kind neighbour would come and clean up a bit for you....have seen it

but since this is the UK, adult kids involvement or not does not bring much difference apart what kind of carehome is chosen

Just a little update for those who took the time to comment on this post - my mother continued to say she had dreadful symptoms and today, that she was stuck on the floor for hours and felt she could breathe. I sent round and felt she was exaggerating but to be on the safe side I called 111 and they sent an ambulance.

Paramedics couldn't find much wrong but suspected a possible infection and because they classed her as vulnerable they took her to hospital.

A few hours later, at 11pm she called me to ask if I had anyone who could come over to watch the kids so I could go and pick her up as she was sick of waiting. I explained they are trying to help her and she should just sleep there and wait for results. She called me "unkind".

I calmly informed her I am not an unkind person, but I will not be going to pick her up, and said goodnight. I feel so much better knowing she will at least be assessed and to call me names after I did more than I had to really showed she will never change!

Good for you OP, you asserted your boundaries and were very strong. Glad you could put yourself first - she’s made her bed.

I agree do nothing other than contacting the GP/SS. She's reaping what she sowed. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive and she did not give a shit for the 5 kids she brought in to the world. I will never contact her again and I feel no guilt. I don't think you should either.

If she is well enough to get fed up waiting and then call you names she obviously doesn't need any special treatment from you .

Well done. That spiked her guns. She’ll try a few more times, but you’ve just disarmed a key weapon.

SS will not "force her" to have carers but will lay out her choices. Make it clear that you are not one of them! It sounds like shes trying to manipulate you to becoming involved. Also be careful around amy engagement, one thing can easily lead to more involvement. Makr your position clear to any professionals where your boundaries are. Well done so far it seems this will go on for q while.

I am estranged from my mum and have been for many years, I have often thought what would I do in these circumstances, I would not see or help her. Far too much has happened over the years for me to ever speak to her again. She is a stranger to me.

This in spades. I have been in the same situation. I did help out but she then expected more and more as her right and it took a long time and much emotional anguish to detach again. The relief when she eventually died was huge. Definitely direct her to the professionals.

After your update, at least you know you never need to speak to her again now. You’ve done all you can. Take care of yourself.

You did the right thing.
Professionals are always the best call for a tricky mother.

You also found out that you are good at setting a boundary.
If ever you wished to see your Mother, face to face, you know you are strong enough to leave when it suits you and to not feel guilty.

I’d honestly block her number and not respond to any attempts to contact you. She’s abusive. The fact that she’s fallen out with all her friends demonstrates that she is not a nice person. You owe her absolutely nothing. Don’t waste one more time and energy on someone who has treated you so badly.

I had similar with my dad. The last few years of his life he tried to push for me to see him after 15 years of NC. He just wanted me to care for him. When I didn't go the letters arrived, they were nasty letters that I never read, my mum and husband read them to confirm they were as I expected. Bottom line don't go, nothing has changed and they reap what they sow. Block her number.