This school makes me uncomfortable and I want to scale back interactions

[thisskiil]

We started off getting to know each other a few months ago as our kids are in the same class.

It seemed fine at first, we had a couple of play dates for the kids and would talk when dropping off the kids.

But it's just become too much for me. She calls a fair bit, is always wanting to help me somehow.

She's asked me once to pick up her child from school for her because she was running late and she's once picked up my child from school too.

They're both 5. She's always jumping over herself to help me somehow, like when school finishes at a different time, she'll reach out and ask if she needs to pick up my child. I have actually never asked her to pick up my child( until recently, see below ) but once, she offered as she knew my other child was sick- so to avoid me having to take my younger child out, she offered to drop my older child at home. But before she did so, she took my DD to her house to get her DS to get changed and I didn't really understand why and I didn't like it.

Anyway, when I pick up my DD her DS asks if he's coming home with us and apparently my DD also asks her. Even though it's only happened once, the kids remember it..

Then last week, I was desperate and it's actually the first time I asked her to pick up my DD but I was uncomfortable. I asked on a Monday if she could pick her up and she said of course. By the Tuesday morning I found an alternate solution and texted her immediately to let her know I no longer needed her to pick her up and she said ok cool.

Anyway, I got grandma to pick her up instead and this school mum made a big deal out of the fact that my DD was upset she wasn't going home with her but had a to go home with grandma.

She said she had a word with my DD, if the teachers mention it.

My DD always gets a bit upset when being picked up early from her after school club, because she loves her after school club. When I pick her up, she always scrunches up her face a bit and says she wants to finish her drawing or whatever she was doing.

When I asked grandma, she told me that's all that happened. There were no tears or anything and she was more than happy to go home and be picked up by grandma.

I feel like the mum is lying about this and making a big deal out of nothing.

First of all, I never told my DD that the plan had been for her to go home with mum friend- so why would she have been upset ? Secondly, why did the teachers know anything about her being so upset that they may ' mention it ' ? Thirdly, why did grandma say it was literally not a big deal? And finally, when I asked my DD what happened - she said she wanted to stay at the after school club because it's so much fun. She said she didn't cry and went home with grandma.

Maybe my DD did ask if she was going home with the other mum, like her son asks me, but to turn it around into a big emotional melt down because the plans changed ( which DD didn't even know about anyway) just seems really manipulative to me.

I 100 percent believe grandma and my DD here and now I feel even more uncomfortable about this mum and I will NEVER ask her again.

Is my reaction here too strong ? It's almost like a visceral reaction. I'm trying to make sense of everything but this person is just so in my face and wanting to help ALL the time, something seems so off.

I think you are making a very big deal out of nothing. But yes, go ahead and stop contact if you want. You don't need a valid reason to do it.

She sounds like she is just trying to be helpful to be honest. Perhaps she doesn’t have any family close by so she is trying to make connections with other parents at the school so in an emergency they could pick up her child if needed and she can also help them out. Maybe she is trying to build her “village”.

Trust your gut. It does sound like you are over reacting somewhat, but you know her we don’t.

Doesn’t sound like much on paper but it seems like you’ve got quite a bad vibe from her, so I’d listen to that.

Well you can cut her off but you’d be burning your boats for any future emergencies.

Maybe she’s a bit over enthusiastic and is a bit too much but honestly from what you’ve written here her only crime has been to exaggerate your DD’s reaction at ASC.

On that basis and assuming no daft drip feeding follows, YABU.

I totally get that. But she's so up in my business.

I feel suffocated.

It's not just what I describe here. It's also asking if I'll be on time for events, trying to navigate and foresee if I'll be on time. Checking if I got home. It's just a lot! I'm a grown woman.

Maybe she's used to that care taking role but I'm not used to someone being so up in my business. With the other mums, we have play dates- talk occasionally but that's it. This is so intense for me.

Also I just don't understand why she had to take my DD home so her child could get changed out to school clothes. I just wouldn't have done that. I didn't like that at all.

She's trying to be friendly and helpful. I don't think she's outright lying to you - DS always wants to go home with friends (and vice versa). She may have just been trying to cement that she's happy to help next time, rather than you having to ask someone else after you've asked her!

You obviously don't have to be her friend if you don't want to. But sounds a shame for your children if they get on well!

Maybe they were heading to an activity together and it was the only opportunity to change before making a detour to your house. If you didn't like it, then you should have said something at a time.

Just don't ask her to pick your child up again. You muddied the waters with that. Problem solved.

Never again !!

I also find lots of contact from people suffocating and overwhelming, so I don't think I would enjoy this interaction. However, from everything you said I think she is likely just a quite overbearing person who means well. I think it's fine to just scale back responses. I will say that kids do love playing over with each other. I sometimes pick up my DD's friend after school (and DD sometimes goes home with the friend) and they are SO disappointed if you pick them up after about half an hour rather than having had time for a proper play together. She is probably coming from a good place in wanting them to enjoy playdates together, and it may be that which is behind the offers of help.

She sounds interfering

Just pare her back

I think she was pissed off at the change of plans

I don't know guys I'm not normally like this. But there's just something I'm not comfortable with.

@Inmydreams88 this 💯. Omg mn is so contradictory, I’ve read so so many time when you have zero help like me “grandmas” aren’t interested here op .. to reach out, offer help , build your own support and when people try this is what can happen with parents who are so lucky to have help like @thisskiil

Based on what you’ve described your response does come across as an overreaction but sometimes your gut picks up on something in real life that is hard to convey in text. If you don’t feel comfortable with her then you absolutely don’t have to maintain a friendship or regular contact and you can scale things back.

From your descriptions and updates OP I’d find this annoying and suffocating as well.

So YANBU.

Go with your gut OP

@thisskiil I guess you need to go with your gut, wounds like you hand great support and help , lucky you . Just let her know clearly you aren’t interested in her help or reciprocating.

Maybe a bit of a bunny boiler type.

It's hard to say without knowing her but to me it's just sounds as though she is trying to be a friend.
When my children were at school this is how me and my friends helped each other and became very close. And I don't think it's unusual for children to assume someone who has picked them up before is going to pick them up again or for them to ask to go their friends house after school.
But if you are uncomfortable it's up to you whether you cool the relationship.

In my experience of people like this they end up being a nightmare. I'd trust your gut OP....

But it's unusual to make a big deal about how upset she was about not being picked up by her when it wasn't in fact a big deal and not even true according to my DD and grandma.

Yes it's just weird. It's not breezy and light. It's heavy and intense.

Yes - agreed OP

You were there - we weren’t - and it sounds like you’ve got the gist of things

When you don't have your family nearby or close friends with kids, then you have to make your own village - MN is very big on making your own village! But I think this is just what she is trying to do. If you get bad vibes then fair enough, but I suspect you might be over reacting. The fact that she took your child to her house on the way so hers could get changed just seems like such an everyday thing. Maybe they were heading out somewhere, maybe she thought you'd ask her in for a brew and the kids might play.