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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

This school makes me uncomfortable and I want to scale back interactions

91 replies

thisskiil · 18/12/2024 12:29

We started off getting to know each other a few months ago as our kids are in the same class.

It seemed fine at first, we had a couple of play dates for the kids and would talk when dropping off the kids.

But it's just become too much for me. She calls a fair bit, is always wanting to help me somehow.

She's asked me once to pick up her child from school for her because she was running late and she's once picked up my child from school too.

They're both 5. She's always jumping over herself to help me somehow, like when school finishes at a different time, she'll reach out and ask if she needs to pick up my child. I have actually never asked her to pick up my child( until recently, see below ) but once, she offered as she knew my other child was sick- so to avoid me having to take my younger child out, she offered to drop my older child at home. But before she did so, she took my DD to her house to get her DS to get changed and I didn't really understand why and I didn't like it.

Anyway, when I pick up my DD her DS asks if he's coming home with us and apparently my DD also asks her. Even though it's only happened once, the kids remember it..

Then last week, I was desperate and it's actually the first time I asked her to pick up my DD but I was uncomfortable. I asked on a Monday if she could pick her up and she said of course. By the Tuesday morning I found an alternate solution and texted her immediately to let her know I no longer needed her to pick her up and she said ok cool.

Anyway, I got grandma to pick her up instead and this school mum made a big deal out of the fact that my DD was upset she wasn't going home with her but had a to go home with grandma.

She said she had a word with my DD, if the teachers mention it.

My DD always gets a bit upset when being picked up early from her after school club, because she loves her after school club. When I pick her up, she always scrunches up her face a bit and says she wants to finish her drawing or whatever she was doing.

When I asked grandma, she told me that's all that happened. There were no tears or anything and she was more than happy to go home and be picked up by grandma.

I feel like the mum is lying about this and making a big deal out of nothing.

First of all, I never told my DD that the plan had been for her to go home with mum friend- so why would she have been upset ? Secondly, why did the teachers know anything about her being so upset that they may ' mention it ' ? Thirdly, why did grandma say it was literally not a big deal? And finally, when I asked my DD what happened - she said she wanted to stay at the after school club because it's so much fun. She said she didn't cry and went home with grandma.

Maybe my DD did ask if she was going home with the other mum, like her son asks me, but to turn it around into a big emotional melt down because the plans changed ( which DD didn't even know about anyway) just seems really manipulative to me.

I 100 percent believe grandma and my DD here and now I feel even more uncomfortable about this mum and I will NEVER ask her again.

Is my reaction here too strong ? It's almost like a visceral reaction. I'm trying to make sense of everything but this person is just so in my face and wanting to help ALL the time, something seems so off.

OP posts:
maybelou · 18/12/2024 12:58

I think it's really off that she took your child into her home without your knowledge or consent, and it's weird that she's so insistent about a child she only has what sounds like a very passing acquaintance with.

Trust your gut, especially if getting that kind of feeling is unusual.

Devilsmommy · 18/12/2024 12:59

thisskiil · 18/12/2024 12:49

I don't know guys I'm not normally like this. But there's just something I'm not comfortable with.

Going against most of the pp's she sounds fucking weird to me. I'd feel majorly uncomfortable with an acquaintance being so nosy about my life too. She sounds like she's way too intense for the situation. Trust your gut, scale her back

SlightDrip · 18/12/2024 12:59

So this is nothing to do with ‘school’ as in your title, just an individual parent?

Do you struggle with relationships and communication in general, OP? Because this seems to be making a mountain out of a molehill. She misinterpreted your daughter’s response as indicating upset that she wasn’t going home with her classmate and her mother, and because (rather like you) she seems to be someone who makes a mountain out of a molehill, she exaggerated it, to give the impression (which she may genuinely believe) that your DD is very fond her child.

I think she’s just someone desperate to make friends by being of use, and without much else going on in her life. It’s entirely up to you whether you have anything to do with her. You don’t like her, so don’t see her other than a quick hello in passing.

Jumell · 18/12/2024 13:00

Conniebygaslight · 18/12/2024 12:53

In my experience of people like this they end up being a nightmare. I'd trust your gut OP....

I’ve experienced this and so agree ..

Pensionswew · 18/12/2024 13:04

OP, listen to your gut.
Something is off.
She is all over your business and I can understand how that feels too much, because it is.

Stop replying to any ridiculous queries as to your time keeping etc.

If she asks you didn't notice her message.
She is not your mother and your time keeping is none of her business.

She is trying to force intimacy and that is why it feels off.

Be busy busy busy and be breezy but rushing.

Do not have any futher play dates.

It could all be just a pushy woman trying to make friends but for many pushiness is very off putting.

Be firm with your boundaries that you are busy with a busy life, family, work etc so don't have much spare time.

You have a long road ahead of you in the school so keeping it polite and friendly is the wsy to go.

DepartingRadish · 18/12/2024 13:05

Lots of people will tell you to trust your gut if a situation feels "off". It doesn't matter whether that's a date, a friend or a school mum. If your gut says something's not right then I'd listen to that.

Back off and make yourself much less available. Don't reply to every message. If you do reply then don't answer her questions - so if she wants to know if you're going to an event and what time you'll be there, then tell her you haven't decided but you hope she has fun. Don't respond to chasers. If she wants to know why you aren't replying then ask her why it's so important to get to know your schedule?

tinymoon · 18/12/2024 13:09

She’s too much and I would start trying to avoid her. I’m shocked at the responses on here to be honest. Why lie and say your daughter was really upset when she wasn’t? Really weird.

Ihopeyouhavent · 18/12/2024 13:13

Wow you sound dramatic. She probably wants to make sure her child has a friend, thats all.

Pensionswew · 18/12/2024 13:15

Huge difference between offering or giving help to then being all pushy and into your business with nosy texts.

The former is normal, the latter is very off putting and why people back away.

QuickDenimDeer · 18/12/2024 13:18

There’s always a thread about school mum friends on here, and this is why I don’t make school mum friends. You have a lot of years to despise each-other if it all goes tits up. That, and the whole comparison thing, given that my DC is speech delayed. I don’t need the judgement or the small talk.

thisskiil · 18/12/2024 13:18

Pensionswew · 18/12/2024 13:15

Huge difference between offering or giving help to then being all pushy and into your business with nosy texts.

The former is normal, the latter is very off putting and why people back away.

Also it's enough to say once- I can help if needed, just call me.

No need to go out of your way to offer to pick up when I haven't asked or anything.

OP posts:
Polly47 · 18/12/2024 13:19

OP, I'm with you. She sounds all levels of wrong.

And maybe the 'wrong' is something completely innocent.

Mayve she has anxiety that makes her react in the way she does - overly worrying, fussy etc and it's nothing more than that and nothing untoward.

Or maybe there is something a bit sinister and stalkerish about it.

But I wouldn't be comfortable with this either.

SlightDrip · 18/12/2024 13:20

tinymoon · 18/12/2024 13:09

She’s too much and I would start trying to avoid her. I’m shocked at the responses on here to be honest. Why lie and say your daughter was really upset when she wasn’t? Really weird.

Because she thought she was? And liked the idea that the OP’s DD was so keen on her DD that she was disappointed not to be going home with her?

Some people are constitutionally incapable of reading reactions apart from in the terms they want to be the case.

My harmless MIL has, as long as I’ve known her, been doing this thing where she clicks her fingers right up in babies’ faces and claiming ‘They love that!’ while the baby cries in irritation. I have no doubt she genuinely thinks they love it, despite all evidence to the contrary. Likewise she likes to take a toy or sweet off an older child, hide it behind her back, and interpret their distress as them ‘loving the game’. She has no conscious sinister intent, just a desperate desire to make children and babies respond to her, plus a tin ear for interpreting actual expressions.

thisskiil · 18/12/2024 13:20

QuickDenimDeer · 18/12/2024 13:18

There’s always a thread about school mum friends on here, and this is why I don’t make school mum friends. You have a lot of years to despise each-other if it all goes tits up. That, and the whole comparison thing, given that my DC is speech delayed. I don’t need the judgement or the small talk.

I TOTALLY understand this. This is another thing. I feel like she tests my DD a bit when they're alone.

Like she was asking her is she knew where she lives and also asking my DD if she helps me tidy up etc etc. it just made me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
DinDjarin1 · 18/12/2024 13:21

From what you've shared, she sounds lonely and her crime is trying too hard to be friends with you. If you aren't feeling it, just let her know gently, but to make out she's some kind of bunny boiler is an overreaction on your part.

SlightDrip · 18/12/2024 13:23

DinDjarin1 · 18/12/2024 13:21

From what you've shared, she sounds lonely and her crime is trying too hard to be friends with you. If you aren't feeling it, just let her know gently, but to make out she's some kind of bunny boiler is an overreaction on your part.

Yes, exactly. You’re absolutely not obliged to befriend her, OP, or be any more than ordinarily friendly in passing, but there’s no need to demonise her.

LostittoBostik · 18/12/2024 13:23

SlightDrip · 18/12/2024 12:59

So this is nothing to do with ‘school’ as in your title, just an individual parent?

Do you struggle with relationships and communication in general, OP? Because this seems to be making a mountain out of a molehill. She misinterpreted your daughter’s response as indicating upset that she wasn’t going home with her classmate and her mother, and because (rather like you) she seems to be someone who makes a mountain out of a molehill, she exaggerated it, to give the impression (which she may genuinely believe) that your DD is very fond her child.

I think she’s just someone desperate to make friends by being of use, and without much else going on in her life. It’s entirely up to you whether you have anything to do with her. You don’t like her, so don’t see her other than a quick hello in passing.

Edited

Presume she just meant to write "school mum"?

LostittoBostik · 18/12/2024 13:24

QuickDenimDeer · 18/12/2024 13:18

There’s always a thread about school mum friends on here, and this is why I don’t make school mum friends. You have a lot of years to despise each-other if it all goes tits up. That, and the whole comparison thing, given that my DC is speech delayed. I don’t need the judgement or the small talk.

Bloody hell, that response in itself is a bit intense.

I also hate the comparison thing but just don't engage in it? Keep it light?

SlightDrip · 18/12/2024 13:25

LostittoBostik · 18/12/2024 13:23

Presume she just meant to write "school mum"?

I realised. After I wrote that…😀

CandiedPrincess · 18/12/2024 13:25

I actually think you're the odd one here Confused

Polly47 · 18/12/2024 13:28

SlightDrip · 18/12/2024 13:23

Yes, exactly. You’re absolutely not obliged to befriend her, OP, or be any more than ordinarily friendly in passing, but there’s no need to demonise her.

If the Mum was a Dad - would you feel the same way?

If it was the Dad all up in OP's face and taking the DD back to their house while his DS got changed without OP's knowledge until after the event - would you think that was fine and he was just 'lonely' trying to make friends?

If it was a Dad texting asking questions and offering to collect the DD without being asked, would you think it was creepy or friendly?

If a Dad had said the DD was really upset not to be coming home with me - when that was not the case at all - would you be saying the OP shouldn't be demonising him?

It's a genuine question.

Because to me, you're ignoring red flags purely because this person is a woman and a Mum. Rather than just accepting these as red flags.

tinymoon · 18/12/2024 13:28

Because she thought she was? And liked the idea that the OP’s DD was so keen on her DD that she was disappointed not to be going home with her?

This hasn’t convinced me at all that it’s not really weird! She’s a grown woman.
Even if she genuinely thought the daughter was upset she could just say ‘she seemed disappointed…’ Not make a big deal out of it like the OP has said she did and say she’d had a word with the daughter if the teachers mention it.

QuickDenimDeer · 18/12/2024 13:30

LostittoBostik · 18/12/2024 13:24

Bloody hell, that response in itself is a bit intense.

I also hate the comparison thing but just don't engage in it? Keep it light?

Don’t be silly it’s not ‘intense’, it’s perfectly reasonable rational decision on my part and I explained exactly why…

I have no problem smiling and saying hi, but I’m not there to make pals. I also feel strongly that I need to protect my vulnerable child.

MerryMaker · 18/12/2024 13:31

There are two ways of having friends. The light acquaintance and fairly disinterested type of friendships OP you describe with other school mums. Or proper friends where you care about each other and help each other out.
Wanting to make proper friends with someone is not being intense, but if it is not what you want, then fine put a stop to it.

winetimenow · 18/12/2024 13:32

I can understand your response to this - I have a similar person at school. I don't think they mean any harm and actually we have built a friendship but I have had to be quite clear in my mind where my boundaries are and develop a bit of a thick skin for all the perceived disappointment/sadness etc my children apparently experience when I get things wrong...
I wouldn't burn bridges - she sounds kind and helpful- but maybe decide how close a friendship you want and practice letting comments wash over you

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