This school makes me uncomfortable and I want to scale back interactions

[thisskiil]

We started off getting to know each other a few months ago as our kids are in the same class.

It seemed fine at first, we had a couple of play dates for the kids and would talk when dropping off the kids.

But it's just become too much for me. She calls a fair bit, is always wanting to help me somehow.

She's asked me once to pick up her child from school for her because she was running late and she's once picked up my child from school too.

They're both 5. She's always jumping over herself to help me somehow, like when school finishes at a different time, she'll reach out and ask if she needs to pick up my child. I have actually never asked her to pick up my child( until recently, see below ) but once, she offered as she knew my other child was sick- so to avoid me having to take my younger child out, she offered to drop my older child at home. But before she did so, she took my DD to her house to get her DS to get changed and I didn't really understand why and I didn't like it.

Anyway, when I pick up my DD her DS asks if he's coming home with us and apparently my DD also asks her. Even though it's only happened once, the kids remember it..

Then last week, I was desperate and it's actually the first time I asked her to pick up my DD but I was uncomfortable. I asked on a Monday if she could pick her up and she said of course. By the Tuesday morning I found an alternate solution and texted her immediately to let her know I no longer needed her to pick her up and she said ok cool.

Anyway, I got grandma to pick her up instead and this school mum made a big deal out of the fact that my DD was upset she wasn't going home with her but had a to go home with grandma.

She said she had a word with my DD, if the teachers mention it.

My DD always gets a bit upset when being picked up early from her after school club, because she loves her after school club. When I pick her up, she always scrunches up her face a bit and says she wants to finish her drawing or whatever she was doing.

When I asked grandma, she told me that's all that happened. There were no tears or anything and she was more than happy to go home and be picked up by grandma.

I feel like the mum is lying about this and making a big deal out of nothing.

First of all, I never told my DD that the plan had been for her to go home with mum friend- so why would she have been upset ? Secondly, why did the teachers know anything about her being so upset that they may ' mention it ' ? Thirdly, why did grandma say it was literally not a big deal? And finally, when I asked my DD what happened - she said she wanted to stay at the after school club because it's so much fun. She said she didn't cry and went home with grandma.

Maybe my DD did ask if she was going home with the other mum, like her son asks me, but to turn it around into a big emotional melt down because the plans changed ( which DD didn't even know about anyway) just seems really manipulative to me.

I 100 percent believe grandma and my DD here and now I feel even more uncomfortable about this mum and I will NEVER ask her again.

Is my reaction here too strong ? It's almost like a visceral reaction. I'm trying to make sense of everything but this person is just so in my face and wanting to help ALL the time, something seems so off.

There are some very good points here that even I - who am 100% behind the OP in terms of her feelings - didn’t think of

Agree..OP sounds a little bit paranoid, especially with the ''up in my business'' that's a strange term to use, as is the ''Grown woman''...most people aren;t that touchy.

Doubt this mother cares about op's 'business' {whatever it may be}, just wants to help out {and to be helped out in return in an emergency- eg, picking up each other's children}

To be honest, I find the OP’s incredibly melodramatic take on it all (assuming the other mother was ‘lying’ and dashing about cross-checking the grandmother’s take on it all, and her DD’s story, as if she’s in a detective novel, and then starting an internet thread) far odder than the other mother’s behaviour, which is fairly self-evident.

She’s desperate to make a friend, and for her DD to befriend the OP’s DD, so she was delighted to be asked to pick up the OP’s child as evidence of the beginning of a bond. So she was very disappointed when the OP made other arrangements, and just projected that onto the OP’s DD because that’s what she’d love to happen, rather than the OP’s child saying ‘Oh, fine’ and going home with her grandmother.

There’s no sinister intent, she’s just one of those characters who show up on Mn all the time, terribly worried that their Reception DD doesn’t have a ‘best friend’ by Christmas, and upset they haven’t made ‘school gate friends ’.

Is the other mum working class whilst you are middle class OP? Because her behaviour sounds normal northern working class behaviour to me.
I have met someone twice who is helping me out with something. This is what we do. I met one of her friends who hugged me and asked my advice on a personal matter twenty minutes after I met her. We don't all keep people at arms length.

If you have a bad feeling about someone I think it’s a good idea to back off, be polite but not encourage them too much. She may just be an intense person or trying to be helpful but it does sound a bit OTT from what you’ve said.

You sound just as over the top as her to be honest op.

then act on it.

I see the OP's perspective. This woman has overstepped the mark and lied. I would just be polite in passing from now on. Don't think the worst, she may have misinterpreted something your child said. But I'd keep my distance for a while.

She sounds like someone who is desperate to be seen as helpful, needed and a friend, but IMO she's crossed some lines. I completely understand why this feels suffocating. It's completely possible to be kind and helpful without being interfering and trying to be overly involved in someone else's life, which is what she's doing.

It's not normal to pretend that your DD was upset at being collected by Grandma and not her. That's very weird. And creating an imaginary scenario in which the teachers get involved is even weirder. It's as though she's pretending to be a member of your family.

She seems to be unusually keen to pick your child up and take her home. Her DS asks if he's coming home with you. All of it is very strange and I'd keep my distance too. I'm not saying she's some kind of criminal, just that your discomfort is understandable and you don't have to allow her collect your child.

Some people are missing that she's picked up your child only once, and you've picked up hers only once. It's not as though you're regularly desperate for help and turning your nose up at someone who's willing to give it.

This reminds me, a couple of times she picked up her child and noticed mine hadn't been picked ip yet and it was getting a bit late - so she called and asked if she should pick her up.

I get it's trying to be helpful, but all of it combined is just intense.

I wouldn't ask her the same. I would assume she'd let me know if she was unable to help pick up or had made other arrangements. We are not sisters or that close that we need to he worrying about each others lives like this. I don't know her very well.

Funny, I'm going the other way to most PPs.

I don't feel like you're overreacting, OP. I think you have subconsciously picked up on something that is raising alarm bells for you, and that you should listen to them.

You're not obligated to keep this person in your life, and certainly not obligated to have your child be with someone you don't 100% trust.

Is my reaction here too strong ?

Just going by the info in your OP, yes it's way too strong. You seem to be really obsessing over nothing much. But you can't help how you feel and if something about this woman has spooked you then you don't need anyone else's permission to back off from her. Be prepared for it to be difficult to extract yourself though. If she's the kind of person you are suggesting she might be, then she's not going to let you go without a fuss.

But this just shows that something is wrong.

Why should she not let me go without a fuss ? Am I beholden to her in some way ? Surely chatting, play dates and occasionally talking on WhatsApp is not something that creates some sort of situation in which things need to be awkward in case we don't talk as much anymore ?

That's what it's like with the other mums. It's just normal and not intense. I don't hear from them, they don't hear from me.. it's not a big deal. We then hear from each other again. Maybe we don't. When we see each other at birthdays, we have a laugh. They don't act like we are relatives. I don't act like we are relatives.

I also don't test their children! Like she's done with mine ! And god knows how much she's tested her when I wasn't there.

No of course you are not beholden to her, but she sounds like the type to smother her friends and maybe she struggles with boundaries. Whereas you sound like the polar opposite, a bit prickly and suspicious, with a wall up around you.

You are just a poor match as friends and she hasn't cottoned on yet. But if she's as intense and desperate to over-involve herself with you as you seem to think, then she might be a bit thick skinned and difficult to shake off. That's all I meant.

Then you need to follow your gut reaction, but as kindly as possible because it could just be that this woman is keen to make friends for herself and her son, and is going about it the wrong way, which is not a crime, just an inconvenience for people who find it too much.
If you don't want to be friends then you need to avoid asking for favours even when desperate!

I've been thinking really hard about what the issue is here, is it the behaviour of being overly helpful that has made me feel this way or is it actually that I don't like her for another reason...

I think it's both.

She's been pretty judgy about my parenting and has kind of been telling my kids off / parenting them / overstepping on several occasions. As well as had quite judgy/ nasty things to say about other parents that I haven't enjoyed.

She's crossed some boundaries in how she speaks to me and my kids- example. I realise I've been on edge the couple of play dates that we've had because she can be quite judgemental. So all those things put together are probably why I'm reacting this way. There was one play date ( we've only had 3 ). And the last one just cemented it with me that I didn't really like her and I'm uncomfortable around her. I've been ignoring my feelings a bit for a while and by the time I got to know her enough to realise that it's not a close friendship I want to peruse, it felt too late. Like I already let her in.

This.

You need to stop seeing her and stop asking for favours. But you do seem to have a strange idea that only relatives are close and help each other out. Many friendships are like this. We help each other out.
You do not really want friends. Just acquaintances. That is fine, but this woman wrongly thinks you want to be friends.

People will tell you that you are overreacting but in my personal experience, people that do this are doing it to so you owe them something and repay the favour further down the line. I didn't need help from other school parents but I saw myself drawn into an arrangement that benefitted her and not me. You have to be distance yourself from it. Fair enough, you can be friends with her if you want to but if you don't need the extra support, don't give in to it because you are then beholden to her.

@MerryMaker I don't want that type of friendship with her. I don't think it's reserved for relatives. It's reserved for people I like and feel comfortable around and also it takes a while for a friendship like that to grow, in my opinion.

Hmm. It sounds to me as if she has concerns about your parenting and whether or not you are coping or need support? She seems a bit mother hen-like, and you say she's judging you so maybe she's asking lots of questions you find invasive?

Are you often late to pick up your DD? Is this why she's often texting and asking if she can help?

@TwigletsAndRadishes no I'm not late to pick ups, ever.

As for her questioning my parenting - I have two kids, she's said about the littler one that she needs a ' firmer hand ' for example. Generally she's tried to lecture my kids on stuff and she likes to raise her voice too, which I don't really do in public. She's said stuff like ' oh she needs to go in time out ' when my two have had a fight for example and one pushed the other etc. she is totally mother hen type.

But I don't need that in my life. I have my own mother and I have my own parenting style and I do just fine. I don't need anyone telling me how to handle things with my kids. Unless perhaps I ask - which I never have. She once started lecturing my DD about wanting a different one to the one she'd chosen initially. She was being a bit whiney about it and I was saying gently to her that it's the chocolate she chose and to just got on with it. This mother took it upon herself to really lecture my DD about her choices and behaviour etc in a very stern way. She then said to me ' ah some mums would be funny about me speaking to their kids like that '.. I was said something like ' I guess I did already explain it to her so it probably wasn't necessary ' .. I was too passive. I should have said something like ' yup, no need '. I should have been firmer. So anyway just to give an idea of the dynamic I allowed that particular time.

I just don't like the dynamic. And I know I've allowed that dynamic because I sometimes freeze in the moment.

That was meant to say my DD wanted a different chocolate to the one she had chosen initially.

OP there is nothing wrong with the other woman. I have no idea why you want to paint her as the bad one.
You are not suited as friends, and you do not even want friends. Just don't have any more play dates and dont accept favours. Forget about this.

I think you have been very restrained.
She sounds like a know it all pain in the ass and cheeky fxxker to boot.

Who the hell does she think she is correcting/lecturing your children and telling you that you need to be firmer?

Are you young OP?
Because she rights a lot of parents would be very upset at being lectured at or their children being corrected.

A lot of parents would verbally cut the legs from under her.

I wouldn't be polite.
I would avoid her like the plague and if necessary ask the teacher to keep the children away from each other as the mother is far too intense about the children.

She will only get a LOT worse.
Use the school holidays to mute her and ignore her.