Does DH spend too much time gaming? Or is this fine?

[Toomuchgametime]

Will start by saying that DH has a great job that he works hard and does well at. Very involved with the kids. Helps me out with things I need all the time. He’s a great husband and father.

So I can’t decide if I’m being unreasonable… but I think he spends too much time gaming and not enough time on his health.

If I talk about it with him, he dismisses it so don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not.

He works from home, I work part time. When I go into his office, he sometimes switches from a game to his work so I won’t see. So I’d say he spends about an hour or two of his work day gaming each day. Like I said, he works very hard at his job, is self employed, is doing really well. He will often keep working until 8pm with small breaks to have dinner, play with the kids, probably to make up for gaming time and also school pickup time (which he does when I’m at work).

Then EVERY night, when the kids go to bed, he plays video games from 9pm until 11ish, sometimes 1am (1am is about once a week, and when he’s playing online with a friend). He doesn’t watch tv - so this is what a lot of people do but watching tv, so I can’t decide if this is unreasonable or not…

The only exercise he does is one daily dog walk for 30 mins (I take the dog out separately also).

Sometimes, if he doesn’t walk the dog that day because the dog and I have been out for a long time, he doesn’t leave the house at all.

He plays PC games not an Xbox etc.

But he’s 50 and I worry about his future health and lack of sleep etc.

I know it’s his hobby and is “harmless”, but if one of our teens did this much gaming, we would put a stop to it!

What do you all think?

When does he spend any quality time with you? That's a key difference between gaming and TV in my view (assuming there are shows you would watch together). The gaming during working hours is a problem as well, especially if it is eating into family time

This is not a healthy way to live. It clearly is eating into family time.

I’m not seeing any couple time at all. Sounds like gaming is more important than your relationship.

It's not about how long he plays but how much he does outside of gaming. If he games during work hours, then he ends up working longer, This is a problem. It then sounds as though he only has one hour family time in the evening which isn't really enough to keep the relationship going. I don't think watching TV together is necessarily quality family time either but at least there is an opportunity to have a conversation and to share experiences. Which is not possible with a gamer. In my view, any gaming time is too much time due to solitary and escapist nature of the activity. But I am not well versed in gaming and, really some may say that knitting and reading are also solitary activities.

I can hear your concern about gaming, but I don’t think that he is spending an excessive amount of time on it. As you say, most people spend more time sat in front of the telly. I think your concern about his lifestyle being too sedentary is spot on.

I would try and see if you both can do some kind of exercise regularly. This may mean for example, skipping gaming during his lunch break at work and walking the dog then. Or skipping gaming a couple nights a week to go to a gym class.

It would be good if you both commit to a lifestyle change that is for your health so you can be around for any future grandkids. The 50s is a great time to focus effort on staying fit and healthy.

So push adding in positive behaviours and don’t mention the gaming. I am suggesting this tactic because otherwise he may get defensive and get worse with the time on gaming.

This would honestly give me the ick in a grown man. From what you describe he’s spending up to 5 hours or so gaming per day. Unless you spend loads of quality time with him and the kids at the weekend, yes I’d be talking to him about it. It sounds to me like he’s in more of a relationship time wise with his games console versus his wife and kids.

I would hate this. At least TV is something we can do together

Gaming is a total turn off for me.

It would be fine if he was a single man. He seems to have forgotten he is in a relationship. And you're right about his health, that is nowhere near enough physical movement. His health is at risk but I'm guessing so is his marriage or you wouldn't be posting.

I just can't understand these man-children who spend hours gaming. Tell him he's a bloody adult so act like one, not like a teenager. This would put me right off and I would be saying so. I'd also be saying game playing while working is not on.
Do you get an equivalent amount of time to do what you like? Tell him you'd like to spend so many hours per week just playing rather than working/attending to the house or family needs!
This sort of thing confirms my delight in being single, it would really give me the ick!!

Tbf, gaming can be done together moreso than TV can.
He games with a friend once a week.

OP isn’t interested in gaming with her DH and that is ok. It is good to have our own hobbies.

I think the issue is that the schedule has no time for exercise - exercise can be done together too. If they say joined their local park run and walked every Saturday with the kids and then perhaps went to the playground. If OP took on a weekly Zumba or Pump class then DH would have to not work to 8pm and would be with the kids all evening…less gaming, then if DH had a spinning class once a week.

If healthy things are added in, then the bit that will give is the gaming,

A half hour walk daily is more exercise than most people do tbf

Sounds fine to me

I go to bed at 9, tbh. I read for half an hour then go to sleep. I’m a light sleeper, so I know when he’s going to bed and I look at the time. So it’s not like I’d be any entertainment 9-11pm / 1am!

If I suggested we watched a film together, he would instead of gaming, as long as he hadn’t made gaming “plans” with a friend.

But I need a lot more sleep than him! So I don’t!

We do have a screen free dinner with our children. I’m quite strict on this!

He comes down for dinner, hangs out until the kids go to bed, then goes back to his PC.

We don’t spend time together really, but then even if he wasn’t gaming, we wouldn’t. I just fear it’s bad for his health and not a great example for our kids. He hides it from them, but I think they know!

That amount in the evening a few times a week I think would be fine but every night and gaming whilst at work for me would be a step too far.

If his gaming is interfering with him contributing to house & family chores and if his gaming interferes with family and couple time because of gaming during the time he is meant to be working and the fact it's every day I would be having a conversation about what gaming is providing for him and what the appropriate balance is for your family.

Gaming does give me the ick. In my less kind moments, I’ve told him that! He knows!

I think that's fine, my partner will game from 7pm - 1am, sometimes later. He survives on like 5 hours sleep, no idea how he does it but he does. He more than pulls his weight in the home (does way more than me), works full time and doing great, and we get our time together otherwise. (I have health conditions and need to be in bed by 7 to have any chance of working the next day anyway - I'd probably be gaming with him if it weren't for those!).

I get what you're saying about health and lifestyle, but he's a grown man and can decide for himself. Being sedentary isn't best for your health of course, but neither are a lot of things that practically everyone does. Certainly say something if you're ACTUALLY worried about his health (as in, you truly are worried, and not just using "concern" as an excuse to have a go), but it's not really for you to get in a stress at him about.

I'd also say the same for teenagers. Some people are introverted, and need more time at home (a LOT more time) and you do more harm than good to their mental health trying to force them to go and do the things you think they should be doing just because that's good for you or because you like it. I have more than a few issues from my parents trying to force their social lifestyle onto me as a very introverted and overwhelmed kid (I'm possibly ND though it appears, so there's that).

I'd personally feel the only concerns are, is he pulling his weight, do you feel loved and like you're getting enough attention, do the kids, etc. My partner would stop if it was having a negative impact on our relationship, but it doesn't. No reason for it to.

I think your husband sounds cool honestly. Game on, I'd say.

Fair enough! It sounds like it's the daytime gaming (and subsequent impact on your early evening) that's the problem, then. Could you try to mix up your routine so that there is something you do as a family at a certain time (and then if he's still working, having frittered away time gaming, you can challenge him on that?)

Yes exercise is a really big concern of mine! He doesn’t do enough (he thinks a dog walk is healthy and fine).

I would love for us to do some kind of weekend sport as a family. Our Saturdays are organised around our children’s sports and shepherding them to various ones. But Sundays are free.

He says he finds the gym boring and only really likes racket sports. I think he comes up with a lot of excuses not to do stuff!

So I’d love to hear suggestions of fun family sports to do together!

He’s a lovely man and goes along with what I suggest on the weekend. He rarely proactively makes plans of his own.

It would annoy me too as he is clearly "at work" longer than he needs to be and when he is "off work" also at home but absorbed in his own thing to the exclusion of you. Half an hour of walking a day is not enough exercise, so I can see why you are worried. Can you reach a compromise where you do something together a few nights a week or he goes out and gets she exercise some nights and you do other times.

I game in the evening for an hour once DC is asleep. If your dh didn't game for at least 2 hours during supposed 'work' time then he could finish at 4 or 5pm instead of 8pm.

I mean if you go to bed a 9pm I don't see the problem. He does that to wind down instead of TV like probably most other people do. However, it is a bit child like like he hasn't really grown up. And he shouldn't be gaming instead of working, that's quite sad.

Do most people watch TV until 1am?! I would be incredibly pissed off if DH rocked up at 8pm because he'd been gaming instead of working.

I was that guy, and quiet frankly, it's too much.

Once children come along, some thought should've been given to reducing gaming time so there was time for interaction with the children etc.

Fuck that. You say his business is doing well but I’m betting he is pissing about playing games
more than you think. How much better would the business be if he was more dedicated? What about the chores, housework, cooking, cleaning and diy etc? Does that all fall to you because he is “busy working”? He’s avoiding work, you, the kids, the dog and adult life by disappearing into an alternate life online.

Does he want a family life and a relationship? We have to work at those, he is t and he’s loosing you. Tell him.