Does DH spend too much time gaming? Or is this fine?

[Toomuchgametime]

Will start by saying that DH has a great job that he works hard and does well at. Very involved with the kids. Helps me out with things I need all the time. He’s a great husband and father.

So I can’t decide if I’m being unreasonable… but I think he spends too much time gaming and not enough time on his health.

If I talk about it with him, he dismisses it so don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not.

He works from home, I work part time. When I go into his office, he sometimes switches from a game to his work so I won’t see. So I’d say he spends about an hour or two of his work day gaming each day. Like I said, he works very hard at his job, is self employed, is doing really well. He will often keep working until 8pm with small breaks to have dinner, play with the kids, probably to make up for gaming time and also school pickup time (which he does when I’m at work).

Then EVERY night, when the kids go to bed, he plays video games from 9pm until 11ish, sometimes 1am (1am is about once a week, and when he’s playing online with a friend). He doesn’t watch tv - so this is what a lot of people do but watching tv, so I can’t decide if this is unreasonable or not…

The only exercise he does is one daily dog walk for 30 mins (I take the dog out separately also).

Sometimes, if he doesn’t walk the dog that day because the dog and I have been out for a long time, he doesn’t leave the house at all.

He plays PC games not an Xbox etc.

But he’s 50 and I worry about his future health and lack of sleep etc.

I know it’s his hobby and is “harmless”, but if one of our teens did this much gaming, we would put a stop to it!

What do you all think?

I prefer games to TV so don't see the issue if that's what he likes to do rather than watch TV and you've said if you wanted to watch something with him he will do it so I see no problem, I know you're worried about him not exercising but he's a grown man I'm sure he knows that himself

If he's willing to play racket sports, I would start there. Get some inexpensive rackets for the family and spend a Saturday or two a month at the park or book out a court. Cycling could be a good family activity for the weekend, it's keeping active without feeling too much like a sport or working out.

If he's gaming for a few hours every night once you and the kids are in bed, I don't think it's a huge issue, as he wouldn't be spending time with his family as they're all in bed. Gaming during his working day is potentially an issue if he's regularly working late to make up for it, you'd be reasonable to ask him not to do that.

I think the evening gaming is fine, you are in bed so he isn't sacrificing time with you. The day time gaming I would think is a problem if it means he is working later when everyone is around. The honest truth is children aren't around forever and he might regret it later when he is available and they are not because they have their own lives with their own friends.

I never understand why people equate gaming to something only teen boys do. Dh and I used to game together back in the old Playstation One days. Both of us gamed as teens in the 80s when it wasn't that great. The industry is huge and lots of adults game. I am going to be playing Tiny Glade soon which has been called therapy, you just build, pet some sheep.

If you are truly concerned about his health then I would also have a family chat about what you can do on a Sunday. If anywhere does Pickleball it is a great thing to play.

He says he finds the gym boring and only really likes racket sports.
So I’d love to hear suggestions of fun family sports to do together!

Have you considered... racket sports?

Well it sounds like he chooses to spend his alone time on a game instead of watching tv, tv happens to be what the vast majority of people do in the evening and seems completely normal and acceptable but for some reason gaming isn’t. Both are infact similar things to do except gaming seems looked down on.

if you had said I go to bed at 9pm so dh watches tv until 11 most nights except once a week when he wins stay up to 1am to watch a film, hardly anyone would think there was a problem and actually you would get a lot of replies telling you it controlling to dictate what you think he should be doing in his free time!

as far as playing during work hours. I think that’s an issue because he then catches up in the evening which eats into time with you and the children before you all go to bed. You all apparently spend about an hour a day together most of which is eating dinner which I don’t think is really good enough (although it’s more than parents who work certain hours or have gym other hobbies after work outside of the home) But again if you had said he works long hours then goes to the gym so doesn’t get home until 8 a lot of people would be disagreeing with my opinion about it not being enough time together as a family.

my points is let him choosing how he spends his time. It’s his time alone so he gets to pick how he spends it.
I would be very upset if a partner told me I shouldn’t be reading a book for two hours after they had gone to bed, it’s not different!

his health and the time you spend together as a couple/family are separate but worthy things you can talk about and both should be open to working on.
As for the sleep, going to bed at 11 then getting up at 7 [(for example) gives 8 hours which is perfectly acceptable!
Once a week getting 5 hours isn’t something I’d be worried about, how many people have a regular night doing a hobby or the gym or a class or a night in the pub then go to bed a 2 or 3 hours later than normal.

For years we had no PC and that solved it. He’d had one before our first child was born and he was the same with gaming then. We had to get rid of it because of space issues and he didn’t wfh then.

When the children were babies / early primary, he couldn’t game (he only likes PC games) and he didn’t really mention it much. But we moved to a new house 18 months ago and he needed a larger, more capable computer for work. Got a PC, and the gaming began in earnest again.

Haha yes! But he says we’re not good enough to be challenging for him 🙄 but I think it’s better than doing literally nothing!

Regarding his health it's a tricky one. One the one hand, it's his body and health and he's a grown man, on the other hand if he were to develop health problems, you would have to carry the burden of caring for him and for the children. I do think when you have kids you have a duty to take take better care of our health, for the sake of our children and partner.
Personnally I love outdoor activity and we spend many of our sundays hiking or cycling in the forest, or even bouldering once in a while, our toddlers loves it. Perhaps you could try that?
Regarding the gaming, I agree with other PPs that gaming in the evening while you and the kids are in bed is ok, but in the daytime while he's supposed to work is not, as he finishes his working day later than he would.

I don't really understand why you are with him. You don't spend any time together and, as you say, you wouldn't even if he wasn't gaming. He is also not appreciating that the point of enjoying a sport with family is not to be challenged but...you know... spend time with the family.
I unfortunately have experience of being in a relationship with someone who thinks the same and it's not a good foundation for a lasting marriage.

I spend hours in front of the TV, I wouldn't be very happy if DH moaned about it, as long as jobs are equally shared how you choose to spend leisure time should be yours

I suppose the obvious racket sports are badminton or squash indoors and tennis outdoors in summer. Badminton can be played with kids.

We used to go to climbing gyms with the kids too and all go up climbing walls.

If he wasn't gaming in the daytime he could probably be finished at four or five. It's completely unfair that he spends his daytime on leisure activities and then the evening, when you're busy, claiming he's working.

The worry I have reading about this is that the gaming sounds compulsive. Particularly if he is gaming when he should be working.

Having any compulsion like this take over your life is not healthy. It shouldn't be the number one most important thing in his life, but it sounds like it is.

I'd say that his health is his health. The bit that would do my head in would be a self employed father spending chunks of his working day gaming, so that he has to then work until 8pm to catch up on his day's work, because he's having a skive. It wouldn't matter if he was reading, model railway, crocheting, whatever, (although I completely agree that gaming is particularly unattractive), if someone is focused on anything to the exclusion of other things, it's just not very balanced and a bit odd. Which is why the Ick maybe.

I agree with this - the gaming in the evening is fine, especially as it’s after you’ve gone to bed, but gaming during the work day and then not being around for family time/ spending time with you in the early evenings seems unfair.

By his actions (daytime gaming then working late), he’s basically saying that he doesn’t want to spend time with you and the DC. Also, although you say he does his share, I bet there’s loads of little things that you do in the evening that he isn’t aware of.

Also, if he has to game every day, that suggests he could be addicted. Does he ever go for a few days without playing? My DH also plays games on the PC, but it was never a daily thing even before children, and now it’s quite infrequent.

I wouldn’t tolerate that, no.

Seriously? Is this what you call a marriage? You are married to a teenager. Grim.

Surely being married is spending time together. Not necessarily daily but often.

If you go to bed at 9, then it's his choice how he spends his free time. An 11pm bed time isn't unreasonable, and 1am once a week won't kill you. You say he will happily switch to a film if suggested.

People here saying gaming isn't the same as watching TV are kidding themselves. TV is just more socially acceptable for adults. At least with a game you're having to think, and often there's a social element.

The daytime gaming is more problematic as it cuts into family time and prolongs his day. He needs to curb this, as a longer work day means less time as a family and on chores.

I'm a 31yo woman. I'm currently on maternity leave. My wife gets home about 5.30, so we hang out as a family until 8pm when baby goes to bed. We chat for an hour, then I typically game 9-11 after my wife is in bed and don't see why it's an issue or any different than watching a movie. I also go out one evening a week to play board games or DnD. I tend not to game on a weekend. If my wife asked me not to game I wouldn't and we might play a board game or bake or something instead.

A couple of hours gaming a day is fine.

He shouldn't be playing during the day, as it is impacting family time.

Health and exercise is a different thing entirely - for some reason it's considered ok to be doing pretty much anything that is completely sedentary so long as it's not gaming. But you can't force someone to exercise if they don't want to.

You can, and you should, set aside some time together.

Both my husband and I game. We also make time to watch a film together or whatever. I also read a lot. None of those leisure activities are any better than the other.

Is he depressed? He’d rather spend time in a virtual reality than actual reality. And there doesn’t seem to be any couple time.

Can I ask, if you replaced gaming with reading, or painting little Warhammer figures, or any other singular activity, would you still consider it "grim"?

I read a lot and also go to a book club but not every evening.

So, he could finish work at 6 if he wasn’t gaming during work hours, then has an hour off and then starts gaming again again at 9. I couldn’t be with someone like this personally.

You're coming across as quite controlling. I wish that you'd have reversed the sexes and be a man wanting his wife to do more exercise. You'd have had different answers.

You read and go to bed very early, but he can't game, while you sleep.
I'm a female gamer and my youngest DD is. It's better than the shite on TV. As long as he is engaging with the children and does his share to earn and run the house, he gets to decide his downtime. Posters on here need to read the latest research on gaming and problem solving on a screen being as good for the brain as doing crosswords.

So your tucked up in bed, he doesn't need to sleep, what should he be doing?