Does DH spend too much time gaming? Or is this fine?

[Toomuchgametime]

Will start by saying that DH has a great job that he works hard and does well at. Very involved with the kids. Helps me out with things I need all the time. He’s a great husband and father.

So I can’t decide if I’m being unreasonable… but I think he spends too much time gaming and not enough time on his health.

If I talk about it with him, he dismisses it so don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not.

He works from home, I work part time. When I go into his office, he sometimes switches from a game to his work so I won’t see. So I’d say he spends about an hour or two of his work day gaming each day. Like I said, he works very hard at his job, is self employed, is doing really well. He will often keep working until 8pm with small breaks to have dinner, play with the kids, probably to make up for gaming time and also school pickup time (which he does when I’m at work).

Then EVERY night, when the kids go to bed, he plays video games from 9pm until 11ish, sometimes 1am (1am is about once a week, and when he’s playing online with a friend). He doesn’t watch tv - so this is what a lot of people do but watching tv, so I can’t decide if this is unreasonable or not…

The only exercise he does is one daily dog walk for 30 mins (I take the dog out separately also).

Sometimes, if he doesn’t walk the dog that day because the dog and I have been out for a long time, he doesn’t leave the house at all.

He plays PC games not an Xbox etc.

But he’s 50 and I worry about his future health and lack of sleep etc.

I know it’s his hobby and is “harmless”, but if one of our teens did this much gaming, we would put a stop to it!

What do you all think?

No posters wouldn't think it's grim. The only acceptable past time on here is lego and washing towels/sheets.

Gaming when you are asleep is fine.

Gaming in the daytime when he is working is also fine - if he has a quiet time BUT if it’s making him work late so he isn’t finishing at a reasonable time then that does need to be addressed.

Gaming has a proper stigma on MN that if you do it you are childish, lazy etc.. yet nobody would bat an eyelid if he was sat reading a book or watching a film/ box set for hours… 🤷🏻‍♀️

You can be active without doing sports or the gym. Go out for a good long walk on a Sunday with the dog and kids or go biking.

I’m not telling him to exercise so he looks buff - he’s 50 and has a family history of heart disease and dementia, and he does basically no exercise!

I also don’t tell him to exercise in a cruel and controlling way, I just think he should and suggest things we could all do together.

I might be controlling internally, but I’m not saying it to his face.

But I also did start this thread to see if I am being unreasonable. So far it’s a bit of a split!

Reading is slightly different because it is acquiring knowledge which can then be shared. We often talk about books or newspaper articles we've read. Warhammer figures are probably in the same category as gaming. We enjoy model cars and puzzles but these are activities we do together. My partner watches ridiculous amount of TV and I equally hate it.

You can game together! There are loads of great co operative games, why should he watch Tv with you if you won’t game with him?! I’m big into watching TV myself while DH is more of a gamer, it is his downtime and social aspect of catching up with his LD friends.

He never puts gaming before family time and we often game together as a family, working on puzzle games together etc. I am glad to have a partner that can get involved with the kids in Minecraft, Fortnite etc rather than not having a clue about their interests.

I do read and play video game a bit and agree that one activity is not necessarily better than the other. I often read chick lit (on my commute to work) and my husband couldn't care less about it and has zero desire to discuss it with me. We both play Don't Starve game (during DC nap in the weekend) and actually discuss survival strategies together.

As opposed to watching Bridgerton? Gaming uses lots of skills, reaction times, memory, problem solving , teamwork and social.

I don’t watch Bridgerton …?

I have known someone who has admitted that they used to game constantly because they were probably depressed, rather than spend time with family.

So he does well at work, doesn't game in front of the kids, pulls his weight at home, walks the dog daily, agrees to screen free mealtimes and is a good husband and father, and you want to control what he does when you are in bed?! Wow.

I game 3-4 nights a week with friends, after work and tea. It's my socialisation as I'm disabled and housebound. My DH either games with us, or does his own thing. I'd be furious if he tried to take that away from me.

What's "grim" is someone who judges adults for gaming. You know...? Playing those games where most are 18+ because they're for children? Gaming is great for many reasons and is far better for the brain than slouched in front of a TV, passively absorbing nothing.

Also what's with Mumsnet and the word, "Grim"? I've never heard anyone say it in real life.

I think the point is not what you do in your own home @JubileeJuice but what the OP finds unattractive in a partner, which is a sedentary gamer. It's not personal, it's just her personal preference.

We watch " Wolf Hall" together being the snobs that we are!

DH and I often spend our evenings gaming together, it's our preferred hobby once kids are in bed. We don't tend to watch TV much, so I guess it's just what we do instead.

If the daytime gaming is delaying him finishing then that is BU but if he would finish then regardless and the gaming is just filling in lulls in activity that kind of naturally occur during the day where I might do some Mumsnet scrolling or whatever then it wouldn't bother me.

I'd find it hard though that due to your different bedtime schedules, you don't seem to spend any evenings together at all, which is what would bother me, not what he was choosing to do when you aren't around anyway.

This sounds pretty similar to my husband - but he is quite active and exercises most days. He games on and off throughout the day and also after the kids are in bed. We don't spend an awful lot of time together but neither of us are particularly sociable after the work / driving kids to ballet or whatever / etc so it wouldn't really matter if he was gaming or watching nonsense on telly.

The only part that would annoy me is that he's gaming during the day and therefore not around from 5-8pm. My husband would never do that - the gaming fits around the rest of it.

For activity - what about video game sports together even just to try to bridge the gap? Get an old school Wii? Switch sports?

A friend and his son play the pokemon catching game thing on his phone on the weekends - keeps them active but there's a 'goal' and points and whatnot.

In this case then YABU, it’s not interfering with time with you because you’re in bed, it sounds like he’s very present for the kids and hard working

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what he is doing at all.

If he were ignoring the OP in favour of gaming, that would be a problem for their relationship. But he isn’t, he’s gaming when she goes to bed.

He’s having fun with friends with a hobby he can do from home at no drain on household resources. It’s better than slumped in front of the telly every night or doomscrolling.

What do you mean 'some may say'? Of course reading is a solitary activity (unlessvyourvreadingbiutloudvtobeachbother 🤣🤣) and knitting unless you can talk & knit without getting huffy.

@Toomuchgametime

have you said to him you know he's gaming in work time, which means he's then working in the early evening when you'd like him to be engaged with you & the kids?

you can't make him exercise, unless maybe you ask him to do more if the dog walking?

I think you're using the health issue to mask what you're really thinking? Preferring to game than spend time with you? You find it childish? You get the ick? Whatever.

what sort of games does he play??

Does he complain about being tired?11pm isn't late for an adult to go to bed, neither is 1 a couple of times a week.

your teen is a teen, your DH is an adult.

Reading can be solitary but doesn't have to be. You can be reading together, alongside each other, you can discuss books with a partner or as a member of a book club, you can listen to audiobooks together, read to your kids etc.

Hi OP it sounds like gaming is a bit of a red herring, you would feel the same way if he was watching TV until 11pm and ultimately you want him to be more active?

He sounds a lot like my partner, works in IT, used to have a great metabolism but now hes heading into the 40s its let him down. We do some activities as a family like swimming and climbing which lead on from just taking the kids to sports activities and watching, but this isn't regular and I do worry about his health and fitness.

However, some people just really don't like sports and going outside!

Yes and depressed people also binge watch TV shows. I love TV and gaming, they each have a place whether it’s escapism or otherwise. Many people read for escapism, or mindlessly scroll mumsnet…

I’m guessing you’ve taken my comment personally because you like gaming, but I was posing the question at the OP’s other half, not you. It was also a question, not a statement. If something is at the expense of spending time with loved ones in the real world, then I think that’s a reasonable question to ask.

I really can't see the issue with this at all. You're in bed anyway, so what does it matter if he games with his friends?

Yes of course, I agree with your last sentence that whatever the hobby if it is interfering with family time then it’s a problem. I just get annoyed when people are so snobby about gaming (not you personally) when it can be far more interactive, requiring different skills and social than TV, scrolling the internet or even reading. I do all of these things in my down time.

I think it’s ok in the sense that you go to bed at 9pm anyway Op so he can do what he wants. The only thing that would bother me is his lack of exercise.

I'll game quite often, although I go through spells and I don't like to let it get in the way of other things. At the minute the house needs some DIY doing so most evenings I'm doing that.

DP likes watching TV series, every now and then a series comes up we both like and we'll watch together but if she's not working she can spend a few hours at a time watching shows.

Most of the time I find sitting watching TV for hours on end a bit dull, just like she would find gaming for hours on end dull, so at those times we do separate things.

I don't think she would be happy if I kept giving her the brush off to play games. Probably the same if I suggested doing something and she wanted to watch TV. Those things can wait.

I've played games since I was a kid and I'm early 40s now, love them. But they are addictive. Now more than ever, they're always working out more ways to draw people in and keep them working towards one thing or another. I bet if your DH stopped playing for a week he'd not feel the need to jump straight back in. You kind of break the interest in it.

Saying that, I'm in a broken interest phase at the minute, I'm sure when this DIY is finished I'll find the time again 😂