To enjoy doing these things alone?

[RamblingAlone]

After a rather messy and lengthy break up, I have been trying to regain confidence and take more care of myself, both physically and emotionally. So far, so good!

In the past 6 months I have been on holiday, started to work with ceramics, found some good stress relief with yoga, and got back into hiking, as I live very close to a national park.
I take great care, am sensible and never take risks, and it has been fantastic to nod in silent solidarity to other lone women out there, often a good bit older then myself. This has done me the world of good, increased my fitness, and vastly improved my mental health.
I am careful about when, where and how I hike, and am decently experienced (map reading, etc).

I only have a few close friends and family, most having lost touch over the years, so am also hoping to spread my wings further and make some new connections. Unfortunately, my two closest friends (my sister and a long term female friend) have been a bit off with me since I started gaining confidence. I don't really know why, and I shoved it away for a good while, but it is beginning to get to me a little.

There have a been a few comments concerning me being single, suggesting that I am not truly happy and that I ought to be prioritising looking for a man. Needless to say, after 20 yrs of marriage I am NOT thinking of settling down yet at all, even if I do eventually.

What really got to me this past month - I covered two large fells that had been on my bucket list - early morning, good weather, populated trails, etc. I was so, so excited to report back about how happy I felt, it is just the most wonderful feeling in the world to me!
The responses were quite flat: that I ought to never hike alone with out a man, that I could easily die or get murdered. One suggested that I should perhaps join a local painting club, or narrow it down to dog walking for money so that I could 'get it out of my system'.

Would this bother you? It feels far more than merely protective, and along with a few other odd comments along the lines of "Why are you letting your hair grow 'straggly? it suits you much better short" and "You're almost 50 now, you need to take it easy" make me feel awkward, to the point where I feel less inclined to keep them informed about what I am up to.
The friend I mentioned above has behaved quite differently towards me since I stopped grieving/hurting, to be honest, which leaves me with a crappy feeling..

Some people just don't get it. I do things with friends but sometimes I want to go solo and enjoying doing what I want when I want without having to worry what others may want.
Just ignore and continue to do solo stuff,they are probably jealous they don't have the courage to do it.

I’m in my 60s and hike alone. I do stick to clear paths (and still manage to get lost sometimes!) but that’s because I don’t want to run out of energy. Ignore people who try to spoil hiking for you. A lot of people feel threatened by anyone else doing something new.

Yes, I lost one of my sisters when I became happy. Apparently she preferred me miserable and needy.

I’ve learned that how people react to good stuff happening to you is far more telling than how they’ll react in a crisis. A crisis lets them be powerful. It takes true character to be genuinely happy for someone, and remain on the sidelines cheering them on when you’re not really needed.

I think you're doing amazing! I think people who say this are maybe putting their fears on you!
I would love to be brave enough to go out myself! Well done:)

None of my friends would bat an eyelid if I went hiking or biking alone. You need some new more adventurous friends, yours sound a little dull.

Some people find empowered, single, women really challenging. You’re questioning the status quo and it shines a light on their choices. Fuck ‘em OP!

They'd hate me. I'm doing a long distance trail abroad alone next year. The only reason I don't go on long country horse rides by myself now is my horse is getting old and creaky. You go girl.

I agree with other PPs, it’s not you it’s them. You said you and your sister aren’t close, just don’t tell her about the wonderful things you are doing. Just ask her about herself, even the nicest people like talking about themselves. It’s a shame but I think you will have to adopt the same approach with your friend. No need to fall out over it but definitely do not let put a dampener on what you enjoy.

The only other thought I had was to invite them to hike with you so they can see it isn’t as dangerous as they are imagining. Although that would depend very much on how comfortable they are admitting they are wrong

Also and this is a bit flippant. One suggested taking a man with you. Women are far more likely to be killed by a man they know than a stranger. As you are now single, you could turn the tables and ask how they sleep at night with a man in their house

OP, if you do fancy Helvellyn alone…. Do it!

Personally I wouldn’t do Striding Edge in snow or ice because I am not experienced enough, haven’t got crampons.

And other routes are available and better chance of a good view in Spring / Summer.

But it isn’t compulsory and the summit of Loughrigg is such a beautiful place to be. I love Loughrigg.

They are either feeling threatened that you have changed the dynamic and in having more confidence are feeling that their ‘caring’, probably bossing, role is being threatened. That’s their problem.

Also by being independent and adventurous you are by your actions laying down a context, or challenge , to their own self imposed fear based restrictions…Must have a man to protect you, going for a walk is dangerous…so it’s harder for them to justify their own self restriction. But again, that’s their problem. And if they are happy with their lives, they don’t need validation for their life. Their insecurity is, once again, not your problem.

I wouldn’t be direct with them. “I’m actually really loving doing this but you seem so negative, why is this?” “I am so happy with what I am doing , don’t worry I’m not going to drag you ho a fell with me unless you want to come. Each to their own / but I am surprised you are not happy for me”

etc.

Most of all, well done you. Keep on enjoying yourself and know that there are many of us out there, walking the fells, camping, doing our thing whatever it may be.

Said so much more succinctly than my pompous waffle 🤩

Some people find empowered, single, women really challenging. You’re questioning the status quo and it shines a light on their choices. Fuck ‘em OP!

This is so true!

Some people really don't get it and would consider you to be wasting your time doing those things solo when you could be devoting your time to meeting a man.

Some people might genuinely be concerned for your safety.

Some people will be a bit envious that you've got the confidence to do these things and will wish they could but feel they can't. Maybe the thought of it scares them a bit and they're projecting.

Some people will just feel 'something' but not be able to articulate it. There are still a lot of people who feel uncomfortable when a woman does something that isn't considered 'womanly' or is considered more masculine (such as solo hiking). There are a lot of people who think women's interests should be quieter and more domestic preferably with a lean towards helping others - hence the people who want you to swap hill walking for dog walking.

Eg whenever women post on here looking for new hobby ideas, so many people suggest book clubs, taking up crocheting and knitting, volunteering and very rarely suggest hobbies that would get them out into the world.

I've played in gigging pub bands for years and people often react to that too.

"I am so so so so frightened for you" is a weird thing to say and feels like plain manipulation.
That's because it is. "Concern trolling", I think they call it.

For some reason people are extremely resentful of women doing their thing. It's like your whole life has to be defined by living for others. First motherhood, then being a Granny or at least taking care of your husband, elderly parents or someone else. But you can't be on your own, do your own thing and be happy. That makes you an old hag with cats for company, bitter and alone.

@RamblingAlone good woman yourself! If you're just slightly worried about your safety, a dog is a great companion. I'm usually alone in the forest, it could be anytime, 5AM in the morning, that's just the most amazing time to be out. Nobody around (probably) except for animals. Never had a problem. My dog always knows first when there's an animal or a human around, long before I saw them.

I think a lot of people who do something that “betters” themselves finds this. I had it when I got a big promotion “ooh, that sounds like a lot of stress, won’t you have to work long hours?”, a friend had it when she lost lots of weight “don’t overdo it, are you sure you’re doing it the healthy way, you look too thin now”. Sadly some people prefer friends who struggle and need them, who haven’t challenged themselves. Maybe you holding a mirror to their lives show them a reflection they don’t like much.

Anyway, you sound fantastic! You clearly know what you’re doing and take it seriously and carefully. Keep on being awesome!

OP I can unfortunately TOTALLY relate to this - people who rain on your parade. It really isn’t a good feeling. When I lost weight as a teen, someone who was supposed to be my ‘friend’ wasn’t complimentary was instead critical and made me feel backed into a corner and bullied and ashamed just for going from fat to a normal weight. For context, she was still fat.

ignore the haters and naysayers, OP. Enjoy your hobbies and trust your own judgement!

I recently joined the gym and try to go a couple of times a week. I received many negative comments from my parents about not needing to lose any weight and how much is that costing from my sister. I now tell them even less about my life. OP just keep doing you. I absolutely love solo walking and after 40odd years realised being amongst the trees is my magical place. So off i go as often as i can.

What is wrong with these women?! You aren't exactly 95 years old and likely to fall over and break a hip. You are no age at all and should be out and about getting exercise, fresh air and having fun. Being a women is no reason at all not to hike alone. I'm certain the safety risk would be far greater for a lone women to walk through a town centre than hike alone in the countryside! Ignore there comments or ask them to stop. Are they both old before their time? Are they jealous of you living your best life? Are you spending less time with them now than you did before?

Resentment and jealousy because you are in fact enjoying a rebirth, a renaissance.

I recognise it as it’s happening to me as well (nearly 50) I am still married, but experiencing a reconnection with my inner self. The adventurer part of my character that I had lost touch with. I also want to do these things alone, I want to hear my own thoughts, my own feelings and chatterings. Good mental health is truly liberating and wonderful!

It’s an absolute gift and please do not let anyone take it away from you. A few of my friends have looked dubious and pissed off, but actually I am really stepping into my life and I just don’t care what they think!!

Expand your social connections to include people that are free spirits like you, they will enjoy your achievements and celebrate with you.. I find women’s circles are great for finding that kind of person.

Stop telling the two miseries anything. Just say you are well and happy and move the subject on. They will eventually adjust. Some people prefer us to be depressed, it makes them feel better about their own lives, but you can embrace your new chapter and enjoy it op! You need better friends now to match 💚

I would take safety advice from people who know the area, ensure I have all the required kit (phone fully charged, map, emergency blanket) and tell somewhere exactly what route and when I planned to be back.

But no, you don't need a "man".

Some people like to feel like their life is better than yours. If you are being all happy and confident you are spoiling the illusion!

When I was single my life was a bit chaotic (dating disasters and dramas) my Friends (in hindsight) loved it. I was never more popular. As soon as I met someone and settled down a bit they disappeared. My sister love's swooping in when I'm struggling but can be quite shitty with me when things are good. I think some people compare lives and can't cope with theirs lacking. (In their opinion)

Enjoy yourself and maybe find some friends with shared interest.

I walk alone a lot because I haven't got anyone to walk with. Less in the winter because I work and it's dark by the time I'm finished. It's lovely. I see a lot of women walking alone. I think if you are sensible it's safe. I think your sister and your friend are not used to the "new" you. They want,even subconsciously, for you to be the same as you have always been. I would ignore them and carry on being you.edited to say I'm 60 and with all the children grown up it's amazing to be finally free to be me.

It sounds as if what you are doing is exposing their own inadequacies. You are casting a light into their dark places and it is uncomfortable for them so they are lashing out.

On the safety side of things, can you do some self defence training to head that argument off? My sibling lives in the Alps and has a gps beacon in case of emergency - is that type of thing available here?

Ignore them! Have you thought about joining a hiking / walking group? I am in a ladies walking group and it’s brilliant, I love my Saturday’s of long walks in the Surrey countryside and pub lunches, roaring fires this time of year.

But there’s nothing wrong with doing it on your own. I have been single for 14yrs (odd short term fling) and I am perfectly happy. People don’t understand it as society seems to think there’s something wrong with you it you aren’t actively seeking, or in, a relationship. My kids have grown up, 16yr old still at home but others have moved out now and they have been my priority for many years. I have a full and happy life, so I ignore comments. I do.

The chances of the OP needing to karate chop an assailant on a fell are slim to none. She’s far more likely to twist an ankle, but as she already takes sensible precautions from what she says, it’s pretty clear her family know nothing about fell walking and are just trying to shut down her life, or just have a completely disproportionate sense of the risks of solo walking. There have been threads on here about walking where some posters thought I was putting myself at risk by walking, alone and dogless, on field paths in gentle, rolling midlands countryside.

Some people do think that women doing things on their own for themselves are not quite ladylike.

My DMIL could be a bit like that. In her world view women were subordinate to men in all things out of the home.

She was a bit shocked that I was perfectly happy driving on my own!