AIBU to not want to spend thousands on getting married?

[LimeAnt]

So, Darling Fiancée (DF) and I have moved our wedding forward to April this year on their request. We're all but married anyway (living together etc) but want to be legally married.

The wedding industry is a joke! Hundreds if not thousands on just small, basically pointless things on one day. And yes, there's the memories etc but basically everyone I've spoken to goes oh I wish we'd never done xyz, when I know xyz cost them so much.

I'd like to elope or have a micro wedding. DF is actually on board but we can't decide how to do that so are just going with the original plan.

A few factors:

DF has just been made redundant and is very upset about not providing enough to pay for said wedding. We're completely funding it by ourselves.

I refuse to go into debt for what is essentially a party. On my part that is completely no negotiable.

Some of their family aren't going to be there (travel issues) and they've had a big friendship breakup recently and I don't want to see these people but the mess of uninviting etc...

People know the wedding is happening and changing the plans would be such a stress.

Added difficulty is DF isn't from UK and from a culture of BIG weddings. So a micro wedding by their standards is a fairly big one by mine🤣

We're still paying over 6k with favours from friends, a small as possible (at the moment) guest list and having basically a 5 hour wedding all told than all day. The price of everything is ridiculous.

This isnt a huge argument between us, just a pressure.

I wouldn't want to take the possibility of giving them wonderful memories away, as I also want them, but the money could be put to better use.

AIBU to not want to spend that much? WIBU to push it with them?

One thing you could do is book a village hall the sort that comes with a bar, and ask people to each bring a plate of specific foods = majority of your buffet.
Give everyone a token for a drink in their invite and pay for the first round if you must and/or supply the glass of bubbly for toasts.

Nope. I feel exactly the same as you, could have written this post. I wouldn't even spend 6k. My tight-arsed mind wouldn't let me. To me, it's a waste of money. Yes, it's a fabulous day to spend celebrating with friends and loved-ones, but I refuse to pay a cranked-up cost for a cake, dress and all of the other rip-off pressures that come with getting wed.

Sometimes basic common sense just has to prevail even when it might go against what is expected by others. It doesn’t matter how big or small a wedding is the knot is tied just as tight, and memories can be just as good
I know plenty of people who looking back wish they had spent their money more wisely - and I’m not just talking about those who are now divorced or separated.

We spent £200ish. We went for the witness only option which was £57, it was £70 to register intent to marry. My dress cost £30 and my partner wore clothes he already had. We then took our witnesses and a plus 1 out for dinner at our favourite restaurant.

I would do a small ceremony to get married with a meal and then do a party to celebrate on a different day. As soon as the party doesn't have wedding attached to it you'll find the costs come tumbling down. You could do it on your 1st anniversary when life events might have settled down a bit and then you can enjoy the party more.

I can't remember the exact phrase but Martin Lewis has a saying something like don't let your wedding come at the cost of your marriage. Starting a marriage with debt from a wedding could put even the strongest relationships to the test.

YANBU

When we clicked and realised you can get married without what we think of as a 'wedding' it was incredible. I genuinely grew up thinking you had to have the big thing with people there, white dress, party etc. and it just never appealed to me and felt like a waste of money.

We got married for less than £500 including the fees, rings, dress, and an afternoon tea afterwards. Six guests. It was absolutely perfect. The only 'stress' we had was choosing songs. I would recommend it to anyone.

I'd like to elope or have a micro wedding. DF is actually on board but we can't decide how to do that so are just going with the original plan.

Is DF really on board with this? Because to stick with your original plan just because you don't know how to elope or do a micro wedding is rather odd? You're capable of booking venues for 100 people but not for 10 people? Why can't you?

We're actually doing this! It's unlicensed so we'll buy wine and then if they want a drink it's byob or go to the pub across the road🤣

And can you believe I got my dress second hand, cake is a gift, photos are half price etc and still costing as much.

To be married to them isn't a waste in any way, but that money cpuld be put to MUCH better use.

The knot is tided just as tight. I LOVE that wow.

The party another time is also an option. We do really need to sit down and talk about it. Even my parents and some of my friends keep saying I expect you to ring us and say we've eloped so it's not unreasonable.

Yabu
Becausw you can do as you like and spend your money as you like, but there's no need to be a dick about others that choose differently.
I had a tiny wedding but I don't sneer at people who spend a lot on large ones.

Could you tell your fiance that you will have a very small wedding but will save up for a big celebration party for when you hit the 5 year or 10 year anniversary mark?

Also, when you book things, are you telling them it is for a wedding? Some vendors jack up the price for weddings but if you say it is a 'family party' you can get the services at their regular price.

So you've already planned and booked the wedding? Not sure what the point of this thread is, I thought you were looking for ideas on how to do a small wedding nicely.

FWIW, we spent £££ on our wedding last year, because we could afford it and it was important to my DH to have all his friends there. I'm glad we did, but in another life I'd have eloped somewhere remote and beautiful. In Scotland you can get married anywhere, it doesn't need a license, so somewhere up in the hills maybe, just us, a celebrant and two photographers for witnesses. To me, that would be better than a halfway house of spending less but still having a big do.

I think it depends so much on the ‘circles’ you move in. I know young people who get married in a registry office and then book a big table at their favourite pub for their friends afterwards, and that’s it. Loads of joy, masses of coolness.

I genuinely don't understand why anyone would want to spend thousands on a wedding - it's insane to me!

Our wedding, including license, dress, flowers, hairdresser, photos, meal and taxi to the register office cost about £300.

Admittedly this was nearly 50 years ago........ but we are still married. Unlike some couples whose big weddings we attended.

It might be better not to tell anyone your plans so they can't talk you into having a fancier party. This is exactly what we did, got married in front of PIL as they live down the street from us, then called my parents on the way back from the Register office and told them, they were delighted, they live in a different country, are getting old and hate traveling, my dad has no intention of getting another passport and doesn't like big parties, no one else in the family was that fussed either.

Our wedding cost us around £1500 (over £500 of that was on food, which I think is the most important part of the day for the guests!) and it was an incredible day.

We were very lucky in that my FIL bought all the alcohol and we didn't have to pay for a venue, as we held our wedding reception in my parents' garden, but we did hire a marquee and hay bales for seating.

It really isn't necessary to have a horrendously expensive wedding that puts you into debt. Scale it right back.

Edited because I realised I misunderstood the part about favours!

What are you spending 6k on for the current plan? could you give us a list as this will help us to give you ideas on how to reduce it.

I spent less than 5k on my wedding. It was a small wedding - 12 guests but it was lovely with lovely food etc. We set a budget and spent more money on what we knew we would enjoy and not regret

It's often a nice day to get people together to celebrate.

But I can assure you the guests will forget about it all within a day or so no matter how much or how little is spent.

As a shy introverted type, I'd never go through a "meringue" type wedding and be on full show. I'd bloody hate that. But each to their own.

We had a big party with all our friends and relatives, over 100 adults and children. With fewer people, you can organise a lovely day on a small budget.

Most of the cost was for food and drink, at a restaurant we booked for the day. My sisters recommended a local cake maker, and paid for the cake as our wedding present.

Other than that, and hiring a DJ for the evening music, we didn’t spend much. No expensive hen/stag parties, no special decorations or other weddingy stuff. We’d saved up so didn’t go into debt.

I bought an elegant inexpensive dress I could wear again, DH wore a suit he already owned, one niece did my make-up and all the flowers, another niece who’s a hairdresser did my hair, family members gave people lifts, friends did the photos and video.

We all had a terrific day, which DH and I still remember with pleasure. I hope you and DF/H do too!

We had a wonderful wedding for 50 people in a church and church hall, with caterers and a small local band. It cost under 5K and we could have hugely reduced the cost by having less, or less expensive, food. It's mad to spend money you don't have on a wedding. Expensive does not equal more memorable or more beautiful.

We went to a British holiday destination which we love and had close family staying with us for a week and had a lovely holiday. We subbed the accommodation but total was about £1k. Got food platters from supermarket and bought Prosecco. It was fabulous and the best decision we made.

We had a tiny registry office wedding. Just witnesses. Tea party at home in the afternoon. We had 3 kids by then. In hindsight, I would have eloped prior to kids and then had a nice honeymoon and a party afterwards. Weddings can turn into an expensive piss up. One couple spent 30k on credit card for the wedding and then couldn't remember the wedding. Houses, experiences, holidays are so much more important than a wedding if finances are limited.

I hear that. The organisation isn't the issue it's about several things I suppose. A micro wedding suits us, but people who love and support us can't join in which would be sad. But, these people also wouldn't want us to spend a lot on a wedding.

It's about feeling not practicality I suppose.