AIBU to not want to spend thousands on getting married?

[LimeAnt]

So, Darling Fiancée (DF) and I have moved our wedding forward to April this year on their request. We're all but married anyway (living together etc) but want to be legally married.

The wedding industry is a joke! Hundreds if not thousands on just small, basically pointless things on one day. And yes, there's the memories etc but basically everyone I've spoken to goes oh I wish we'd never done xyz, when I know xyz cost them so much.

I'd like to elope or have a micro wedding. DF is actually on board but we can't decide how to do that so are just going with the original plan.

A few factors:

DF has just been made redundant and is very upset about not providing enough to pay for said wedding. We're completely funding it by ourselves.

I refuse to go into debt for what is essentially a party. On my part that is completely no negotiable.

Some of their family aren't going to be there (travel issues) and they've had a big friendship breakup recently and I don't want to see these people but the mess of uninviting etc...

People know the wedding is happening and changing the plans would be such a stress.

Added difficulty is DF isn't from UK and from a culture of BIG weddings. So a micro wedding by their standards is a fairly big one by mine🤣

We're still paying over 6k with favours from friends, a small as possible (at the moment) guest list and having basically a 5 hour wedding all told than all day. The price of everything is ridiculous.

This isnt a huge argument between us, just a pressure.

I wouldn't want to take the possibility of giving them wonderful memories away, as I also want them, but the money could be put to better use.

AIBU to not want to spend that much? WIBU to push it with them?

I am not trying to be a dick at all. Large weddings are wonderful! Small weddings are gorgeous.

No issue at all with what anyone does. I'm trying to figure our what we should do and hope people can give me their ideas, which they are.

Just can’t understand the huge unnecessary costs involved for a traditional wedding. There is no need and it is for other people. The smallest weddings I have attended in the family have been the very best. However, if you have everything you need, earn a fantastic salary and really want that kind of thing then that is understandable.

Yep. We had a register office wedding and a meal afterwards with our parents at a hotel. Then a ceilidh in the evening at the hotel and invited everyone! Buffet with snacks, so not a proper dinner. One drink free then pay bar. Can't remember how much the band cost but it wasn't expensive. The wedding was intimate and classy, the evening do was a blast! You can do it, OP. Sounds as if you know that all the additional crap is a rip off and really not necessary.

We've got things in place but those thing can certainly change. Nothing is set in stone, apart from we are going to get married. You have to start some things.
The point on this threat is to get perspective, the wedding had not been paid for.

We're going to get married and I need/want a dress so that's what I've got.
The cake is if we have the wedding that's planned, that can be called off without issue.
Same with photos.

We did the same as @Superscientist . Luckily we have adult kids, so they were our witnesses. The only thing we bought (on top of titanium wedding rings) were new t-shirts (me a Ramones one, him a geeky role playing one). Adult son even went almost straight back to Uni as he was doing his final exhibition & screening that night. He had a good camera (part of his degree requirement) so that was fortuitous too.

Got a few bits & bobs for a bit of a running buffet for family from Costco who popped in & out over the day, and a last minute cake for a tenner at Morrisons.

We’d been together for nearly 24 years by then, and we only did it as we were meant to be exhibiting at a work expo in one of those nations where you can’t share a room if you’re not married, and sod paying over £600 each a night for 2 rooms.

Marriage is just as legal as a couple that spends tens of thousands or more.

Mum was pissed, but she has the cat bum face over everything, so no surprises there, and she had the same expression over a billion things at sister’s 12k wedding, which lasted less than 5 years.

Do it the way _you want to do it.

Thank you, all your replies have been helpful. I'll see if there's elsewhere to cut costs. We want to be with the people that genuinely mean a lot to us. We've lived colourful lives in all sorts of ways so there are a goof handful of people each we'd love to be there, but not at the expense of our future.

We've got a few days off together coming up so we can talk then and see of we carry on or not.

Spent £2k which included the dress which was only £280 but looked amazing as I had a pre baby figure!

Got married in the winter which gave us a few reductions I think such as the venue waived the hire fee as it was quiet time. Wedding was registry office.

We had sit down meal for close family then a buffet for friends and got them all a drink of fizz to toast.

DJ was £250, played a 90s playlist was a blast, hired a singer to sing 3 songs for £100. No wedding favours or extra bits and bobs, tbh the venue had lovely enough decor we didn't bother to jazz it up like you would say a village hall or barn.

Was an amazing day! One of the best bits was knowing we'd saved a fortune and our guests enjoyed it too.

This is going to be long, sorry!

We're getting married in 2025 and also don't want to spend thousands, and I think we're managing it! We're lucky in that the venue is a family home but the rest we're doing on the cheap. We're viewing it more as a "garden party" rather than a wedding to be honest.

• Food wise, we're ditching starters and are just going to have a few pizzas as "apéritifs". The main is going to be something easy like a couple of different meats you can throw on the BBQ and some roasties with a side salad/ratatouille. In my own experience, most people don't really care what they eat as long it's nice and filling. Dessert is going to be ice cream with little bowls of m&ms etc for people to customise. (no wedding cake!)
• No seating plan, just having a bunch of tables/chairs and people can sit where they like, so also not doing anything like individual menus etc.
• No DJ, I've got friends in a band who will do a couple of hours for us and then one of them is simply going to "control" my party playlist.
• I'm getting my dress from Asos for 200 quid and DF is thinking of wearing a fancy outfit he already owns.
• For drinks we're just doing wine and beer, don't want anyone getting too drunk so no liquor.
• Any decorations, I'm DIYing! Have already started collecting empty wine bottles from various friends/family and going to put dried flowers/candles in them. If I buy anything, it'll be stuff I want to decorate our house with anyway so that it's not a waste and I'm also borrowing stuff off friends/family. For table cloths etc I'm looking on Vinted, there are amazing things on there for super cheap.
• Not having any flowers, prices are RIDICULOUS! Will just have a very small bouquet.
• Our photographer just started her business so we've managed to get her at a really cheap price which is great.

The main thing we want is that people have FUN, so we're making sure that there's plenty of places for people to sit, dance, that bellies are full and that there are things to do (going to get some cheap lawn games from Amazon).

No one cares about wedding favours or fancy glasses and plates, nor a personalised mirror with your names written on them, or embroidered napkins etc. People will look at them, say "hey that's cute" and then forget about them entirely.

I'd say write a list of the things that are actually important to you and the rest doesn't really matter! It's about having a great day with friends/family, not the bits and bobs :)

We eloped to Gretna Green. It was so chilled and special. I wouldn't change a thing.

My Sister di the village hall thing, bought lager, beer cider, & wine from Tesco minimum donation £1 a can to claw back some of the cost.

Do the registry office thing during the day, you and witnesses and just have the celebration party on the afternoon/evening. Do your own play list so no need for DJ. Make your own favours, room decor. Checkout facebook market place to see if anyone is giving things away.

We are going to the registry office early next year , us & 2 friends as witnesses . Simple ceremony , no dressing up , no guests , no photography , no after party / reception .
The four of us are going for lunch afterwards . All in probably less than £500 and thats an estimate , could even be £300-£400.
Will tell everyone after .

Oh, another idea I saw this summer (but didn't attend) - the couple got married in a church, then all went to the pub! The bride and groom paid for a round of drinks for everyone and then left people to buy their own drinks. It was all very casual so those who wanted to stay for food did (bride and groom paid, I believe) and the others left. It seemed all very casual and very lovely. Would do that idea myself but we have too many people coming from different parts of the world, so really do need to cater for them. But it looked LOVELY!

We eloped and loved it. Sandals offer a free wedding when you stay 5 nights or more. It was great. We paid extra for the photographer and videographer but that was it. Best part was we had our honeymoon as part of the wedding.

We just got married with two witnesses and took them for lunch somewhere good afterwards. It was lovely, low-key, and involved very good champagne. Plus absolutely no one pitched a fit afterwards about not being invited — we were very clear that it hadn’t been a choice between a big white wedding and this. It was a choice between two witnesses and not getting married at all.

Ideas we used to keep the costs down:

buffet
decorations from vinted, then resold again after
2nd hand dress and shoes, resold after
own flowers in jam jars rearranged from supermarket
few drinks tokens for guests then pay as you go
M&S cake

I would hate to go to a wedding where I had to cook and supply food for a buffet, it just goes so much against the grain for me and is totally not how I think weddings should be. I'd be asking myself why the couple are bothering if they can't even supply food.
With drinks I think you've got to supply at the minimum an aperitif or cocktail, half a bottle of wine each and fizz for toast, after that they can pay.

However, that's my personal choice. As can be seen on this thread, there are hundreds of different ways to have a wedding, the most important thing is that it is the type of wedding the couple are both happy with.

My son got married a couple of years ago, 70 guests, about 20 more for the evening, cost around 20k altogether which seemed reasonable. Wedding was in a beautiful old country hotel, exclusive use, drinks and canapes, sit down 4 course reception, evening party with barbecue style food, most guests staying. Costs were divided about a third each between both sets of parents and the couple, it was an absolutely fantastic day, everything was perfect and they wouldn't have wanted to do it any differently. All their friends and family have had similar type of weddings, so for example, having a few drinks and buffet afterwards in a pub would be alien to them.

Lots of people on here saying how they think spending a lot on a wedding is a waste of money. That may be true, for them, but other people may think it's totally worth it, I'm one of them.

A happy and memorable wedding day comes in all types of formats, one isn't better or worse than the other, if the couple are doing it how they want.

We were the same and it took us ten years from engagement to actually getting married. In the end we did register office and a party in a social club. We had a street food van and my sil decorated the room. We didn’t have a DJ and the band were a local band who we know very well and wouldn’t accept payment. Photography done by a few guests who are into that. We had a brilliant time. My words when it was done. Amazing, can we go and have a party now! 🤣

We got married in some hotel with nice grounds with 25 guests. I don't remember the price because it was a long time ago, but I think the most expensive stuff was our clothes and my flowers... Even the cake was from supermarket. The photographer and DJ were some students who wanted to make their portfolio. Maybe worth checking...

@CentrifugalBumblePuppy yep I expect my mum to pull a face ... So I haven't told her! It's our 2 year anniversary soon. We don't have wedding rings and I didn't change my name so most people don't know we tied the knot. We have been together 18 years and got fed up with the extra paperwork. We would have done it sooner but we wanted a civil partnership rather than a marriage so waited for that to be possible and then life to settle down after having my daughter.

Christ, do what you want no one gives a shit, but don’t go around being snotty about “oh it’s just one day.” If other people want to spend £££ on their wedding day then it’s nowt to do with you, and there’s no need to sound so high and mighty.

Yanbu at all.

Some of the best weddings I've been to were microbudget -
Church hall / village hall with no fripperies, costing a couple of hundred at most.
Bring&share buffet for food, with guests asked to bring food in lieu of a gift. Posh table settings are unnecesary if its a buffet too. One had an option for guests coming from far away to instead contribute to a supermarket delivery of party snack platters. But in general people why go catsbumface at this idea aren't actually your friends, the ones who are happy to muck in are the ones who genuinely love you.
Curate your own playlist to be linked to music system DJ not required.
Clothes can be high-street for a lot cheaper than boutique.
Professional Photography is utterly tedious. Ask guests to take snaps and create a dropbox afterwards asking each guest to submit their 10 favourite pictures. That will be enough.

There is no way I would spend £6k on a wedding.

Genuinely.

I can't in good conscience get my head around spending even £200 on a dress I'll wear once.

I like a good party. Ive catered for food and drink 50 on a budget of £420 before.

So £6k. Na I couldn't do it. My head wouldn't allow it.

That's about £5k more than I think we could do everything on.

£5k is a bloody good holiday.

@RedToothBrush Oh I wouldn't spend £5k on a holiday! You could get a car, or 50000 Freddos for that...

(I am being facetious, for avoidance of doubt. Different people can choose to spend their money in different ways).

A party for £8 per head is not a party I'd like to attend, tbh.

Well you don't know how to throw a party then!

I did not scrimp. I'm not a great cook but I can plan and cook recipes. It's just about keeping it simple and doing something easy that can be posted up easily.

We had a bunch of veggies and allergies to cater for too.

It is entirely down to the bride and groom how big a wedding has to be. Actually its usually the bride that dictates it. Do what you want, no-one will really mind as long as you are not being unfair (eg inviting one set of parents but not the other)