AIBU to not want to spend thousands on getting married?

[LimeAnt]

So, Darling Fiancée (DF) and I have moved our wedding forward to April this year on their request. We're all but married anyway (living together etc) but want to be legally married.

The wedding industry is a joke! Hundreds if not thousands on just small, basically pointless things on one day. And yes, there's the memories etc but basically everyone I've spoken to goes oh I wish we'd never done xyz, when I know xyz cost them so much.

I'd like to elope or have a micro wedding. DF is actually on board but we can't decide how to do that so are just going with the original plan.

A few factors:

DF has just been made redundant and is very upset about not providing enough to pay for said wedding. We're completely funding it by ourselves.

I refuse to go into debt for what is essentially a party. On my part that is completely no negotiable.

Some of their family aren't going to be there (travel issues) and they've had a big friendship breakup recently and I don't want to see these people but the mess of uninviting etc...

People know the wedding is happening and changing the plans would be such a stress.

Added difficulty is DF isn't from UK and from a culture of BIG weddings. So a micro wedding by their standards is a fairly big one by mine🤣

We're still paying over 6k with favours from friends, a small as possible (at the moment) guest list and having basically a 5 hour wedding all told than all day. The price of everything is ridiculous.

This isnt a huge argument between us, just a pressure.

I wouldn't want to take the possibility of giving them wonderful memories away, as I also want them, but the money could be put to better use.

AIBU to not want to spend that much? WIBU to push it with them?

I absolutely don't think you are BU. It is perfectly possible to have a wonderful wedding on a budget with a bit of help from family and friends. I did! I had the dress of my dreams, but it was made by a family friend who liked to sew. I still had a lovely day dress shopping with my Mum, trying on dresses to find the style I liked. The reception was at home in the garden - an average sized one, and it was catered by my mum and. her friends . They really went to town though and it didn't feel like a budget option. A buffet is easier to manage than a sit down meal. We had everything we wanted, but found a way to do it ourselves instead of buying it in. Go for it!

I felt the same as you! I also didn't want to be centre of attention for a day, it's just not me.
We were going to have a simple village hall wedding, but even that nice you added in basic costs such as alcohol, food, music photographer etc we were looking at £10k.
In the end we booked a registry office, immediate family only and a private dining 3 course meal and the whole thing was £1,500.
We both said deciding not to have a "proper wedding" was the best decision we ever made. The year we got married we went to 7 other weddings of good friends and also thought that our wedding would have just got lost within those anyway.

We had a micro civil partnership - 11 guests

Friday lunchtime at the registry office so not the cheapest slot, about £300 I think.

No music
No vows - just 'I will'
dress - £65
partner wore existing clothes
straight out of the registry office into the restaurant for lunch.

If you get married out of season ( November rather than June) you can find some good deals.
I used to think the church hall, jam jar candles, own decorations, hog roast type weddings were best.
Now I'm older I think I'd lean more toward a beautiful country hotel, with lovely grounds, a proper sit down wedding breakfast and traditional cake, but smallish ( less than 40 people) .
Sometimes there's benefit in marking the big days in our lives with a kind of grandeur, and I don't think I'd feel that peeling the cling film off trays of curling sandwiches and clutching a warm can of cider in a dusty church hall!

Had our notice of Intent yesterday and a trip to Hatton Garden as having my mother's ring ( deceased ) melted down and a more modern design made.

We eloped, just us. The company we used provided witnesses. We got married on a Scottish beach (in Scotland you can marry anywhere you want). We then had a meal for close family afterwards. I wasn’t going into debt for it.

No, YANBU. DH and I had a very small, inexpensive wedding, but splashed out on a lavish month long honeymoon (we were already retired). I always think crazy expensive weddings are a terrible waste of money, but each to our own.

You are absolutely spot on . Keep on with your plan and have a fantastic day....and future.

We had an engagement party then told everyone there Wed got married the day before. It was brilliant, cost about £800 and no one felt any pressure. So so fun.

Your guests will not remember the flowers, favours, table decorations, colour scheme, whether they got a free drink, or what the groom wore.
They might remember what the bride wore, and whether the music/dancing was good, but they won't care much.

They WILL remember if they were cold, hungry, or kept waiting around.
So:
Keep the event moving, no standing around for hours for photos, no big gaps between ceremony and meal/party.
Make sure the venue is warm enough (excepting a church - people should know churches are cold).
Feed them well. DON'T skimp on the food - that should be top of the budget. Adjust the number of guests to suit your food budget.

I am really hoping my DC elope. I think big weddings are a dreadful waste of money.

My wedding were about 2k if that!

registry office wedding and a meal at the local village hotel.

tiara was £2.50 on eBay, shoes were from Debenhams and my wedding dress was about £400.

other little add ons like hair and make up, flowers etc. car was borrowed as my BIL worked at a car dealership so he was able to bring home a nice car for the day.

everyone paid for their own meal.

I felt the same as you and did the wedding thing for family, we didn't have an expensive wedding but was around £8k over 20 years ago.

People said I would regret not doing it. I still to this day think the money could have been better spent.

I wish I had spent less on things for others (the celebration etc), more on the rings and the honeymoon and did things our way. If I could go back I would get married at a registry office then a nice lavish honeymoon and lovely rings as you wear those forever, but we scrimped on those to pay for all the other unnecessary stuff.

Do what you want for you, it's about you and your partner and I wish someone said that to me at the time. If other people want a lavish event, let them throw it and pay for it.

We went for a registry office then a nice function room in a pub. I think it was only £20pp. I don't see the point of spending loads either. We had to downsize because of covid so saved even more but I was quite happy not to have had to pay for all the husbands and children etc!

Still annoyed we never got an evening do though!

just have the wedding that you both want, it’s not about anyone else.

we spent about £13k on ours (originally wanted to spend £7k but we managed to save double what we expected so thought ‘why not’), we do think it was worth every penny for us but it was the perfect day.
mid have been happy with a village hall and a buffet though.

My wedding cosf £30.
We were broke, expecting a baby and although we had been engaged for 3 years it was last minute as I didn't want a different surname to my baby when it arrived.
We've been happily married 18 years now. The wedding doesn't make the marriage.

If you want simple, do simple. DH and I decided we wanted simple, so we just invited a couple of people.

After a wedding, whatever has been spent, either a couple of hundred or millions, we all end up with the same. Rings and a wedding certificate.🤷‍♀️

We had a very budget wedding. Reception was in a village hall which we decorated.

DM and I made the cake ( went to evening classes to learn how.) Wedding dress was in a sale and then adjusted and additionally adorned by a family friend who also made the bridesmaid dresses.

Caterers were friends of my parents so mates rates. FiL went over to France and bought all the booze and the caterers ran the bar in the evening.

We had a DJ in the evening. Another family friend did a video.

It was vastly cheaper than any other family wedding but people still say it was the loveliest wedding they have ever been to.

It's your wedding. You should do it how you and your partner like. It's not a day to have to show off to your friends, it's a special personal day for you to dedicate love to eachother.
Don't let anyone else influence you. And certainly don't spend more than you can genuinely afford.

For me, booking a venue, having a semi open bar, a sit down meal either buffet or catered in a nice or even very modest location. Maybe a DJ or band for entertainment. That is more than enough.

I'd be happy to accept a sandwich lunch with byo booze round someone's house. It's about the bride and groom having a special day within their or their family's means. Money can't buy you love as they say!

I got married in a Buddhist temple and it was beautiful. Very small and intimate but filled with meaning and natural loving beauty. I think it cost us about £200, for clothes, venue donation and transport and then a pub lunch on top kindly paid for my mine and DH family.

£6000 when your DF is redundant wouldn’t sit well with me. How do you know that you won’t need it. Do you have any other savings?

We were having a big do, then we cancelled it, uninvited all but the very bare bones of the guest list and booked a 27 seat restaurant. It still cost about £3k all in. No one fell out with us.

With weddings family put so much needless pressure on, it's like back the fuxk up. You need a sensible parent to take a lead and ask; what do you both really want? and respect those wishes. Family, culture, can set a president but it's needn't. You have to show independence and do what is affordable and manageable. I'd rather have a fancy honeymoon then provide a feast for people who couldn't care less if they were invited or not. Marry for love not Instagram worthy pics.

We are getting married in March and tiny tiny us and the 3 children. £84 for notice of marriage. £600 for ceremony including registrar and £600 for our local village hall type thing (it’s medieval) but that’s the shortest amount of time and the cheapest venue locally we can book it for. Local posh house wanted 10K for a hour. 🤣That was the cheapest we could have had other than a registery office wedding which was 2 plus 2. We couldn’t have that as we are 5 and that was £240 plus a fee for registrar. Room booked to stay for honeymoon at local pub already £75. DP is in charge of flowers 💐 hopefully a simple bunch of roses. £600 though for an hour ceremony. I had to give my head a wobble and you pay that wherever your ceremony is.

I don’t know about dress yet but found a decent one in JL for £75 in the sale so might use that one. It easy to say £300 but even since 5 years ago costs have spiralled.

We decided to go abroad to reduce the cost. We booked a venue in Spain which is 12k for 100 people. With everything on top it’s wayyyy over and currently at 26k and my OH keeps adding things on 🙄 luckily we saved and have had 9k gifted and we can afford it but it is so extra and OTT. I wanted to elope