To wonder why people are so flaky nowadays?

[bigbird1234]

When did it become acceptable to cancel plans at the last minute because you can't be arsed?

The cult of self care and shite like "normalise cancelling plans" needs to get in the bin - it's so rude to flake on friends who are left with nothing to do, when they could have made other plans.

Let alone people hosting who have bought food already!

No wonder people don't want to throw parties anymore!

Yes dont accept invites if seeing your friends makes you anxious. We are not talking the Oscar after party.

Depending on the friendship they get a couple of goes then I adjust the energy I put in to their level even if that means a friendship fizzles out. I’m not knocking my pan in to make an effort that is neither reciprocal or appropriated.

iv got a few very good friends that get more rope because I genuinely know they truly care for me and there’s normally a good reason or they are struggling in some way as happens in life. I have many years of experience of their friendship so I know it’s rare that they will behave in this way towards me.

my recent example is a person who I got on well with at work and she really wanted to be friends when she left. I thought well we get on so why not.

we met twice both times she was late, the second time really quite late. which I thought annoying but fine. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.

Then she started taking ages to respond to (my not frequent) txts.

then she asked to meet up but when I tried to pin a date wouldn’t get a response. So I stopped trying to pin down a date.

eventually a few weeks later I sent a txt that said I’ll be in (area she works) every Monday (as I started having a regular meeting there) so have a look at your diary and let me know when you are free to meet. Knowing I’d be near her work around the time she finishes so she would be free for a coffee if she wanted.

she replied saying great I’ll have a look and get back to you. Iv never heard from her since and iv never texted again!
That was about 6 months ago. Iv done my bit and I’m not wasting energy on someone who obviously doesn’t put the same thought into their relationships.

im not bothered but she was the one pushing for friendship! I mean why push if she had no intention. Makes no sense to me.

I make my 13 yo go to things if he's committed to them. The only exception would be genuine severe enough illness or some sort of emergency. He doesn't always like being prised out of bed on a weekend for something he said he'd go to but I really don't want the cult of me me me to rub off too much. We now discuss at the time of booking/agreeing to something that this means it is on the calendar and happening so don't say you're going if you're not.

I dont get the incessant pushing for meet ups when the other person will, inevitably, flake out on the arrangement.

I had similar with a school mum over trying to organise a play date. She would instigate the meet up and then ghost me or act like like it was all too much effort. I only tolerated it because my daughter really really liked her dd and the other girls in her class were horrible. I did call her out: It didn't go well and she denied that she was a total flake.

I find it annoying when people flake because of having a cold, in the winter. I mean, everyone has a cold at some point. We all come into contact with someone
with a cold virus in our day to day lives, it’s not worth cancelling special plans for
that.

I have generalised anxiety disorder and adhd. I cannot stand people who are flakey and change plans at the last second give me the rage. I mean people who do it all the time, not the odd time of course.

I am friends with people these days who are reliable and don't leave it to the last second.

I aren't medicated for either. I get social anxiety too and sometimes I do shake before I get out because I get overwhelmed. But I override it as I know when I get there I will have a good time.

I do empathise, anxiety isn't easy but giving into it actually exacerbates it. Doing yourself a disservice. I usually listen to a meditation and it works great.

I would not make plans if I couldn't go generally.

Because they are rude and entitled.

My DD is 8 & has ASD and gets very upset when her "friends" don't turn up.

I only make plans with people I can actually rely on.

Sure, everyone gets ill from time to time it has an unexpected unavoidable delay. But when the same person is regularly significantly late or cancels - they're just a twat.

Very convenient to say the children are ill so she doesn't even have to act like she herself is ill.

Depends how bad the cold is. If you're fatigued as well, having aches and pains and paracetamol isn't working, I'd understand. If someone managed to go to work though I'd be questioning how ill they are.

See, I have absolutely awful social anxiety. So if it's getting hard to make it to an organised event I'll take however many Imodium are necessary and brace myself. I'll ask for more info in advance if it's needed. Looking through my WhatsApp groups and I can see all the recent events have been preceded by me apologising for being high needs and asking clarification on exact times and locations, precise plans, double checking dates and confirming they're coming etc.

I figure that's less annoying than chickening out. Plus quite often someone else will quietly thank me for asking what they hadn't dared to.

I agree I have two friends who regularly cancel plans. One is always ill and the other is often busy/double booked/exhausted.

I no longer make the effort , if they suggest a meet up I agree but assume it probably won't go ahead

I bailed on something tonight.

I'm disabled and use sticks.

It was a Christmas party and we'd booked a room at a pub. The pub hadn't provided enough chairs for everyone - apparently people "mostly stand" and I didn't get a chair.

So I was in crutches, trying to hold a bag, my drink, and then I realised the food was a buffet and I was going to have to try to hold my plate and eat with my sixth arm.

I bailed and went to maccies where at least you can bloody sit down when you eat.

@Octavia64 you didnt flake - you showed up

That’s not flaking. You attended and left because the event / venue wasn’t suitable for you. I don’t see any problem with that.

It's disrespectful of my time! I've had a few people cancel because essentially, they've had a better offer. That really pisses me off!

I'm tired of all the excuses. Called a "friend" out on it, and was told I'm overstepping her boundaries. That was when I knew it was time to cut out flaky "friends" that don't actually make any effort.

Oh god, I have flakey friends and it’s definitely driven a wedge between us and I now feel more like acquaintances. Annoyingly they probably don’t realise they’re flakey or rude as I doubt anyone’s addressed it.

Lots of colds, feeling under the weather, kid sick…

I feel like there’s literally no regard for other people now. It’s all about how we as individuals feel, f* everyone else.

Yeah, that's completely different.

Yanbu

Their children will grow up and move out and they’ll wonder why they have no friends and complain about being lonely.

I find it extra irritating when the person who is the flakey one is the one to suggest that we get together in the first place 😡😡😡

There is a certain friend who I really need to wise up to…

I agree. Back in the old days if you said you were meeting at 7, then you got there for 7, you didn’t text 5 minutes before and say you were running late.

Who thinks flakiness has got worse since covid and lockdowns
People have got slobby

Yes I hosted a Christmas dinner last year and had some flakes and it gave me so much anxiety about hosting again this year that I basically didn’t enjoy myself. All the guests this year attended bar one who came about 2 hours late and without her boyfriend but I was actually quite surprised at the attendance level! I never ever flake as I feel like the best way to be there for friends is to show up to their things - but I am late in third trimester and have to admit I flaked on a Christmas do this last week on the day. It’s not something that I would ever normally do but I am just so so pregnant and not sleeping and honestly felt unhinged after another night of insomnia. I send a very long apology text and hope this friend forgives me and remembers all the times I have stuck to my commitments with her!

I have experienced several people try to initiate a meet up then never actually pin down a day and time, leaving my replies hanging only to try again some weeks later. It's like some weird power play ghosting. People are getting worse and worse. Even relatives are getting more flaky.

I generally need to plan ahead to fit things in but some people just refuse to commit, preferring to message the night before, or even in the morning, they fancy meeting up. Er, no, I'm already booked or I can't do that without planning in work, childcare, other people's schedules etc as I keep trying to say.

For those who have cut out the flakes, how do you have any friends left?! At this point I think it's everyone I know as friends or acquaintances. Including the people who moan about other people being flaky.