To wonder why people are so flaky nowadays?

[bigbird1234]

When did it become acceptable to cancel plans at the last minute because you can't be arsed?

The cult of self care and shite like "normalise cancelling plans" needs to get in the bin - it's so rude to flake on friends who are left with nothing to do, when they could have made other plans.

Let alone people hosting who have bought food already!

No wonder people don't want to throw parties anymore!

If anyone reading this thread is “flaky” and avoiding events due to MH, I just want to say, please try to go.
I suffer bad anxiety. Things have spiralled recently and alongside other MH issues, I’ve been the flaky friend.
I probably should have pushed myself more. But now I’m crippled with anxiety. I have no friends left. I don’t leave the house apart from when my family take me to appointments. I can’t even walk down the road for a loaf of bread. Damn it, I even avoid going in the garden.

So I’m the flaky awful friend and I’d hate others to end up like me.

Massively. People got used to not having to consider others outside their household in terms of social stuff and now often don't see just how rude they are by being flakey

Totally agree. My mum did not bring me up to act this way and always instilled it into me that you go if you've said you will, unless you've got a good reason like being ill. Not feeling like it is not a good reason - and generally if I feel that way, if I go anyway I feel much better and actually enjoy it. Avoiding things is not the way to improve your mental health, I have struggled with depression and anxiety all my life but I don't avoid things.

Another bugbear of mine is people who can't commit to stuff. I have a friend who is always like 'ooh I'll have to see what my family's doing because they might be doing something around that time but I won't know til later'. She has a suffocating family who constantly expect her to do things with them at the drop of a hat. Like make the plan with whoever asks first, and if you're busy, you're busy. I don't get it. We're in our thirties and I would not let my extended family run my life or restrict what I wanted to plan. I'm also close to my family but hers are just weird tbh.

I threw a party, gave loads of notice,organised a venue, food etc. Had 60 confirmed guests. Literally on the evening of the party, people flaked out one by one. I ended up with about 15. It was really upsetting as it hadn't been cheap and it was supposed to be a special night. Had I known in advance. I'd have just had a night in a pub. Never again!

My friends by and large are not flaky- if they say they are ill, they are ill, if their kid is sick, they are sick. In fact, they are very busy people with hectic lives and careers and still usually make social events work. That said, we are more spontaneous than we used to be, it's half arranged nights out and half just 'are you around this weekend?' things these days as if we arrange things too far in advance, especially in winter, people do get sick or exhausted.

I don't want a good friend of mine to come out if they are ill, but that's because at least 80% of the time they don't flake, and so when they say they are ill, they are ill. Same for me.

Ask any restaurant owner. Cancellations and no-shows have gone up a lot since Covid.

Although it might not (just) be actually due to Covid — the ease of booking online, without the slight guilt of having talked to a person, means that a lot of people book four or five places click-click-click and then turn up to the one whose cuisine they fancy that evening, like they might with JustEat at home. They might even have forgotten which other ones they booked, if they were thinking about cancelling.

In Spain the restaurants apparently have an app where they blacklist the phone numbers of regular no-shows. Less confrontational than asking for a deposit, I guess.

Phones have made it easier to be flaky

That. When communication wasn't as easy or as immediate, people didn't flake. You'd need to call someone's landline, explain yourself in person, and they'd probably be out and not answer anyway, so you just got on with it. Now a WhatsApp message with no explanation takes a few seconds and you don't even have to wait for a response.

My volunteering gig had a casual social event the other night. A thank you from the organisation. Probably between 20 and 30 people invited, most initially responding to say they were coming. On the day of the evening event, the WhatsApp was pinging all day with people saying 'sorry, can't make it' with no explanation. Eventually just four turned up. All the effort that the organisation had gone to, the venue booked, casual food arranged, and four people went.

I have 2 friends like this...one genuinely just is flaky but I get what you're saying...the other friend expects you to keep her plans but vague about mine....it was her daughters Communion last year (big deal in Ireland). I went over to house, gave 50 euro in card etc...this year my daughters she 'forgot' to pop over even though we had been texting day before. Said she must drop over card...then she 'lost' the card....

She is not short of cash, quite the opposite, to the extreme really...

Also she has WhatsApp set so you can't see if she has read a msg....I always find that odd with people...you don't need to respond immediately but at least the other person knows you've received the info...

I ditched a so-called friend over this. She cancelled a few too many Saturday meet ups because she was “under the weather” or had “a touch of flu”. Yeah, if you’re going to try that, make sure you haven’t been tagged on Facebook on the piss on Friday.

Funnily enough, when she then wanted to go afternoon drinking on Sunday instead, she was very put out if I already had plans…

As someone who definitely will have come across flakey the past few months this thread is a hard read! My kids have been alternating being really poorly, and I had a health scare which triggered some really poor mental health. And the kids being poorly has meant needing to catch up on work in the evenings too - all of which has resulted in needing to rearrange or cancel plans often. The thought that people are assuming the worst of me or think that I’m lying is horrid!!

I have a friend who has anxiety. She is medicated for it and sees a therapist. She also only gets together with friends one on one because she knows that she can manage that. She has never flaked on me. We always have a brilliant time when we catch up and I never invite her to larger gatherings because I know that does not work for her.

She has a wide circle of friends and is always busy. I consider her the poster child on how to manage anxiety.

That's being really ill you poor love, it's not flakey x

agree.

Agree! This is not flakey, it's something different. Hugs.

There was a thread on here a while back where the OP was upset about people flaking on her 40th party and there were a handful of posters who were absolutely indignant claiming she had no right to expect them to do anything. When I mentioned the handful of people who didn't show to my wedding party with no message I was told they didn't owe me anything and I had no right to expect even a text to say they weren't coming, so there are clearly folk out there that think it's absolutely fine!

The ones that really take the biscuit are when your in a group chat negotiating potential meet up days for weeks and weeks inc unanswered messages and reminders, putting a Poll put to see which one most can make and working round one particularly busy person when the others are fairly flexible. So you pick a date miles away in the calendar to accommodate that specific person and THEN they flake 🥵. fFs we could have met weeks ago but we pushed it back for you!!

Why can’t they say “hey, I’m
pretty tied up now but and you guys seem to have a few options so go ahead and meet up and I’ll catch the next one”? Infuriating

If you were reliable before, I hope your friends will cut you some slack! We all have bad times where we not only need slack, but support.

And they'll not arrange one again and those of 'us' who would have really benefitted from the social contact (and who turned up) will miss out!

That's more like full-on agoraphobia though... If people are expecting you out, they aren't exactly friends!

Have you considered it's actually due to illness?
Most chronic illness sufferers have to get used to cancelling things they desperately want to do.
Luckily a true friend will be understanding of this.

A tale of two of my friends:

Jane, an introvert who struggles in groups but nonetheless always shows up when invited (and does her fair share of organising).

Beth, who claims to love socialising but has flaked so often at last minute or without any explanation at all, including when things are arranged around her.

Guess who had people rally round her when having a tough time this year and who had alienated everyone and got no support.

If you are agoraphobic or chronically ill or mentally unwell, please decline all invitations so I can ask the next person on my list rather than not showing up last minute. After I have cooked your special diet or made arrangements.