Trigger warning. To think I probably was abused but I can’t say anything now to family

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i have none epileptic seizures and time and time again specialists have told me that they usually happen when you have experienced some kind of abuse as a child. I have been under a psychologist who I have told about all this and discussed it with them.

The thing is I have a half memory that I have always wondered if it is a memory or if it was a dream. I can’t even say at what age I recalled said memory or if I have always had this memory since it “happened”

Basically it’s a memory of me being in the bathroom as a young child in our old house (we moved when I was 6) of my older brother (11 years older) giving me oral sex and then trying to get me to do it to him but I refused but he did brush his dick against my lips and I shouted yuck and pushed him away.

it’s there in the back of my memory and as I said it strange I have always wondered if it did happen. I can’t even say if I have had the memory since I was the age it “happened”.

Nothinf happened since and we have always had a normal brother sister relationship and am now close and see each other regularly. He has 4 grown up kids and they are great kids and close to their mum and dad.

A few weeks ago I was talking with my brother and SIL and I brought up about none epileptic seizures can be caused by abuse and he is did not even flinch.

my parents are still alive and we are close as a family. I have told DH about this memory and like me he does not know what to do but says he will support me whatever I decide.

I can’t bring this all up now can I, I am not even sure it happened. The psychologist has talked it through with me and says it’s up to me and to do what I feel comfortable with.

The things is I am feeling more and more sick to the stomach that this may have happened but I feel even worse when I think off bringing it in the open. I feel more and more worked up when I see my brothers or know I am going to see him. Basically I feel in a total spin.

i have also have not been able work full time since being diagnosed 10 years ago. 2 years ago the seizure got worse and I gave up work, plus I developed fibromyalgia. I have had seizures for 14 years but at the beginning they thought it was epilepsy. So I feel I have been held back in my career as seizure have definitely affected my work and how some employers have treated me.

could I have possible dreamed this and it never happened. WTF do I do

It's completely up to you about bringing it up. I would advise that you make sure you are emotionally strong and prepared for a huge fall out with the whole family. If it's true you could be opening up a huge can of worms and find out there's more to it. True or false you could be labeled with some pretty nasty things and ostracised from the whole family.
I'd personally finish the Psychology and work more on yourself and figuring out if this has happened or not before considering mentioning it.

If I was you, I'd look at where you think things will be in 12 months, 3 years and 5 years if you do or don't discuss.

In all honesty, if I wasn't 100%, sure it happened, I wouldn't say anything.

Everyone will want to believe it didn't happen and if you make that a plausible option because you aren't certain then I think you'll be blamed for causing a hell of a lot of irreparable stress and damage to your family but also to you.

Gosh i wouldn't say. I think we all had 'fantasies ' when we are young. Something seen on tv and we are curious. If nothing ever happened after it seems unlikely ans could have been a dreamir a fantasy (in the truest meaning)

I dont think i would blow up my family

What specialists have told you the seizures happen to people who have been abused? Medical doctors?

What would be your desired result if you spoke about it with your brother? Will it help you feel any better? What if he has no memory of it, or says he doesn’t, or is horrified and aggressive when you speak to him?

What is the usual treatment pathway for seizures as a conversion disorder from CSA?

This 100%. You would be asking people to believe you when you yourself are so unsure.

For comparison, I was abused aged 9, not by a family member, but in a setting my mother insisted on me going to. I did not tell my parents at the time or since. It wouldn’t help. Like you, I have ongoing conditions in all likelihood linked to the abuse, but am dealing with them with a good somatic therapist.

What a difficult situation. I definitely think childhood memories can be mixed up with dreams. I have all sorts of hazy, vague memories/dreams, and I don't know what's real. I have a vivid memory of my very elderly, devout Christian grandmother snogging me when I was half asleep in bed. It really feels so real to me but I can only assume it was a dream.

I think you can find or if it really happens or not. Do you have any other memories of something inappropriate happening between you and your brother? Anything at all? Any comments or interactions or anything? I’d say it’s unlikely something like this would have been a complete one off. If there is truly nothing else, it’s more likely your imagination. If however, you have other memories, I’d explore that more, and then decide what to do.

I think we all had 'fantasies ' when we are young. Something seen on tv and we are curious. If nothing ever happened after it seems unlikely ans could have been a dreamir a fantasy (in the truest meaning)

Oral sex would be an unusual thing for a child to imagine, wouldn’t it, without there having been some sort of catalyst?

I'm sorry it does sound very specific to be imagination - I am wondering if hypnotherapy might help. We have a GP who trained in it - it would have to be with someone you felt had a lot of experience I think.

Ps: my grandad once groped me when I was around 9. It happened only once, but the memory is as clear as day. No doubt in my mind it happened. I also have clear memories of him just being a bit weird with me, just too loving somehow, and that I felt unsafe. But that’s the only time something physical happened. I’ve never spoken to anyone about it. In fact this is the first time I share it with anyone! I’ve just always known it happend and sometimes I wonder if he did simiratuff to my mum. But she loved him dearly. Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. The thing is now he’s dead and for me to bring that up now would only cause heartache. But also, so as instead it.

dont know if it helps you at all.

just to say I’m certain it happened.

I have hazy memories of sexual fantasies I had as a preteen about boys I fancied, some almost feel real as I’m sure I had them on repeat, lol, but I know for sure they were just fantasies.

This...... there are ao many reasons i doubt a real doctor would suggest this. Everyone has childhood trauma in one way or another. Dog dies, grandmother terminally ill. Its unethical to suggest abuse

I'd defo try hypnotherapy or some kind of counseling to try and unpick it. I defo have memories that I'm not sure are dreams and I've also dreamed stuff and thought it was real - e.g. thought I'd done something and I hadn't. Imagine if your brother is totally innocent!

I’d advise this: close your eyes and really try to think about how your brother made you feel as a child. Unsafe? Safe? Investigate that feeling and where it goes you.

I am really concerned by some of the posts on this thread. OP, do you have a local rape and sexual abuse center where you could access a safe space to speak about this? You don't have tp be certain that it happened, and you may never be. But I think it would be good for you to have a safe space to talk it through.

This sounds like a terrible position for you to be in, I can’t imagine how you must feel but I don’t see how you can say anything if you aren’t totally sure that it happened.

I had no idea that childhood abuse could cause seizures. However I googled and there is some evidence to suggest it does. Not just sexual abuse, emotional etc abuse too.

Could a one off incident like that be enough to trigger the seizures though? Could it be there was other emotional or physical abuse from him or other family/friends if the family too? Or maybe there isn't anything else. Just that weird one off incident.

Although how did an 11 year old boy know about sex? Was this in the days before or after the internet and did he have access to it? Could he have been being abused too by someone else?

There could be nothing or a massive can of worms in here.

Maybe hypnotherapy would release the repressed memories. Maybe there arent any more. Maybe lots. Who knows.

Take your time before you decide to do anything. If you turn round and ask him he'd prob deny it. And fall out with you.

The problem with confronting your brother is that either this didn't happen, in which case he'll have no idea what you are talking about and it may damage your relationship; or else it did happen and he's had decades of denying it so its very unlikely he'll own up to it.

IMO, confronting doesn't end the way you think it will. By pinning your hopes on confronting and getting an apology to solve this mystery, you create a need in yourself that can't be met.
It does sound like you are developing PTSD over this memory/fantasy, and CBT plus EMDR therapy might be a better way to deal with it.

Edit: misread non epileptic as epileptic.

A very difficult situation you’re in here so I feel for you.

if you have no other memories of these situations happening with your brother I would quite possibly lean towards letting it lie.

if you can’t quite be certain from this one vague memory/vision and you have no other situations that you remember this could quite possibly have been a seed planted by psychologists etc that has grown in your mind.

the fact that you don’t remember any other situations with your brother leans towards there not being ongoing abuse.

you wouldn’t be wrong for bringing it up but you need to think carefully about what it could do to your life and your relationship with family members.

this doesn’t make your feelings invalid and I would still suggest you talk to a rape or SA charity about the situation.

Please ignore the posters recommending hypnotherapy for this. Regression hypnosis is utter snake oil. Memory by nature is reconstructive.

But OP doesn't even remember when she first started "remembering" this incident. It may well be that she only imagined it when she was much older.

Agreed on regression hypnosis.

What treatment are you receiving, OP? The specialists who linked your seizures to CSA, what did they advocate as a treatment path?

I’m having good results with a somatic therapist, but while I have some lingering conditions (disordered eating, a tendency to dissociate from my body, chronic insomnia) which are possibly related to my own CSA, it’s nothing like your seizures.

Repressed memories are very normal with childhood abuse.

OP, I was abused as a child, it started (as far as I know) when I was about 3, so my memory of much of it is very patchy. I've never told my family (they blamed me at the time for getting so much of his attention, so i dont trust that they wouldnt blame me still now), but I did cut off my abuser and haven't seen him in 25 years.

Do you have any other typical behaviours associated with childhood abuse?