Trigger warning. To think I probably was abused but I can’t say anything now to family

[Redgreenred10]

i have none epileptic seizures and time and time again specialists have told me that they usually happen when you have experienced some kind of abuse as a child. I have been under a psychologist who I have told about all this and discussed it with them.

The thing is I have a half memory that I have always wondered if it is a memory or if it was a dream. I can’t even say at what age I recalled said memory or if I have always had this memory since it “happened”

Basically it’s a memory of me being in the bathroom as a young child in our old house (we moved when I was 6) of my older brother (11 years older) giving me oral sex and then trying to get me to do it to him but I refused but he did brush his dick against my lips and I shouted yuck and pushed him away.

it’s there in the back of my memory and as I said it strange I have always wondered if it did happen. I can’t even say if I have had the memory since I was the age it “happened”.

Nothinf happened since and we have always had a normal brother sister relationship and am now close and see each other regularly. He has 4 grown up kids and they are great kids and close to their mum and dad.

A few weeks ago I was talking with my brother and SIL and I brought up about none epileptic seizures can be caused by abuse and he is did not even flinch.

my parents are still alive and we are close as a family. I have told DH about this memory and like me he does not know what to do but says he will support me whatever I decide.

I can’t bring this all up now can I, I am not even sure it happened. The psychologist has talked it through with me and says it’s up to me and to do what I feel comfortable with.

The things is I am feeling more and more sick to the stomach that this may have happened but I feel even worse when I think off bringing it in the open. I feel more and more worked up when I see my brothers or know I am going to see him. Basically I feel in a total spin.

i have also have not been able work full time since being diagnosed 10 years ago. 2 years ago the seizure got worse and I gave up work, plus I developed fibromyalgia. I have had seizures for 14 years but at the beginning they thought it was epilepsy. So I feel I have been held back in my career as seizure have definitely affected my work and how some employers have treated me.

could I have possible dreamed this and it never happened. WTF do I do

OP said brother was 11 years older (not aged 11) suggesting he was approx 17 when she was 6.

Memories aren't stored in a filling cabinet for review though. They are complex and not always accurate. The mind is highly suggestible and there's a lot of history on how pernicious this kind of therapy can be.

OP I would be very careful on how you proceed and leave this to highly trained professionals if you want to look into this further.

Hypnotherapy is linked to false memory syndrome and should never be used in cases like the OPs.
@Redgreenred10 which medical professional told you that your seizures could be caused by abuse? The only type of injury/abuse that I've heard of that can cause seizures is the type that involves repeated head trauma

You were so young op. In my own mind I cannot see you have imagined this. The main thing is the support and belief of your partner.

This is something huge op and you need to focus on protecting yourself and how you would cope if your family turned on you.

Absolutely honestly? Leave it. You are so uncertain if this is even a memory, if it happened at all. I don’t know about the causes of non-epileptic seizures but I’d be surprised if they are exclusively caused by child trauma. Could be any number of things. You don’t give too much additional context about your brother (age differences, if the home environment was generally happy/safe etc.) If your brother generally makes you feel safe/ok I’d be inclined to let things lie.

I think it would be a mistake to assume the non epileptic seizures are evidence of childhood sexual abuse. They may have their origin in traumatic events but there's no reason it could be only that category of traumatic events. I would focus on seeking treatment and support and not let this become the particular rabbit hole to get lost in.

OP I had similar experiences to you (an older family member, also in a bathroom in the family home oddly enough) my recollection of it was very vague and almost dream like. I was dissociating while it happened, so if you asked me to explain it (even now as an adult) it felt like I was out of my own body and looking down on my self and this person. It's a very odd sensation, and difficult to explain as it doesn't feel real, even though it absolutely happened.

I have never spoken to family about it, it came out years later that he had abused many girls in our family and all the adults knew what he was doing, thankfully he is now dead so he cannot hurt anyone else. Take this at your own pace, and do what feels best for you. Maybe have a read up on dissociation and see if that fits how you feel about your experience.

But OP says she isn't clear when the memory developed. It may not have been until her teens., I've defo had some disturbing dreams that I still remember decades later.

I have a similar dream / memory concerning a neighbour, and I think you need to make peace with not being sure. You aren't sure. You can't take an accusation back. You can't prove something you don't know happened.

Your seizures may be a sign of distress, certainly. Would knowing for sure about this necessarily help you, even if possible.

Maybe it would help to think of the memory / dream / event in itself as a legitimate source or result of distress and work from there? You have a supportive partner it seems and some access to therapy. Might it be useful to reframe this?

This is very difficult OP. I think even if you decide not to take this further it’s obviously going to torment you. Have you thought about getting some counselling to help you process this and manage your relationships with family going forward?

Yes I agree, however would depend on the age of op when this ‘memory’ came to her. Also did it come about after being told that her seizures could be the result of sexual assault so her mind has been in overdrive and possibly caused her to dream something that may or may not have happened.

Similar to you, I have a very distressing hazy memory. I have had to decide to leave it (I don't see the family member) as I can't 100%, say it happened. It's impacted on my life though and I'm very uncomfortable with the thoughts and feelings it brings. I haven't had counselling for this specifically as I can't see how it would help.

OP

Personally I have no experience of anything similar, no mixing up of dreams vs reality of my childhood, so i can't empathise exactly on that aspect. (although i was a very imaginative kid! I had a whole world in my head and a story line running daily)(only child!)

I can however see the situation from a cold outside point of view and think that if you aren't sure, and until you are sure, i would strongly advise against bringing it out into the family.

For your own sake as much as anyone's.

Once it's out you can't unsay it. Make no mistake, it will be like a bomb dropping.

This is not something everyone can laugh and forget about if you decide in a year or two that the probability is that it's a false memory.

I'm not saying for one moment that if you were sure you should say nothing just to keep the status quo. Not at all. But you're not sure and i think you could irreparably damage your own life and that of your bother if you speak out and are wrong.

Talk about it as much as you can to people who can help you.

When you talk about it do you remember more detail? Does talking about it make it feel more or less real?

My brother abused me in almost an identical way, but it happened a handful of times. I was 6, he was 11. I've never spoken to anyone about it and like you we talk/have a (albeit distant) relationship.

My main concern is whether his DC are ok. Did he continue abusing people? His DC are boys so I hope that reduces that likelihood and he was a child too at the time. I can't say for sure though and that worries me.

OP I had several years of non epileptic seizures for similar reasons. You need to give up on the idea of 'knowing,' you will likely never know in the way that you want. But you do have to accept what you do know which is a suspicion, or possibly a likelihood. It's on this basis that you have to move forward. It's not the black and white of confront or don't confront. Honestly, I can't see that any good will come from confronting your brother or disclosing to parents. But that's not to deny what happened or to pretend nothing happened. You need to base your future not on what you can 'prove' but on what you know and what you know is a deeply held suspicion which is manifesting in a physical way. You can look after yourself, distance yourself, whatever you need to do but it's about you. It doesn't have to be public or dramatic, just a gentle acceptance of what is going on and acting accordingly. Being around your brother and 'normality' will continue to undermine what your own body and mind is telling you. This is dissonance is very unsettling.

You can be pleasant but give yourself as much distance as you need. Over time that distance might increase. Space might give you more certainty but don't pin your hopes on that because it may never come but give yourself space to live with the uncertainty.

One more thing, OP - a book called The Body Keeps the Score. You may have it already. It's about precisely this so might be worthwhile if you haven't already read it.

That's a good point.

Maybe you can give yourself a little more breathing space by seeing your brother less often. Give it time. Know that you have control over this yourself, at least.

And know that it's not brushing it under the carpet. It's dealing with what you're going through.

As pp says, you may never know for sure. You need to start to prepare a life you can live well without knowing for sure. Very hard place to be.

One more thing...about other posts on this thread. There have been several with the knee jerk reaction 'it's probably a dream/ we all have dreams/I was an imaginative child' I haven't quoted specific posters, but please recognise that this is unhelpful. The OP, like many victims of childhood abuse is tormented by doubt. Adding to it undermines experience, adding to the trauma. If the OP cannot be sure, no-one here can know. Adding to her doubt will not enable her to 'move on'.

It may be well-meaning but IME it comes from a place where people do not want to accept the trauma others may experience. Its hard for them so they deny our experience. In turn we're forced to deny our own experience for the comfort of others. It's a very lonely life. See also any thread on racism, it's the same thing, trauma met with denial. It's all in our minds etc etc. Society gaslights us and we come to believe that it is us.

No other behaviour from my brother that would concern me at all.

I had the “memory before I started having seizures.

he does not make me feel unsafe now. If it was not for this I would say he he is a great brother. Can be a bit of an arse sometimes but can’t we all.

the specialist did say none epileptic seizures are usually a response to trauma especially abuse from a family member. I was also bullied badly at school so that could be a trigger.

He had 2 boys and 2 girls. All well rounded individuals who seem very very happy.

I think you need to ask him if this happened. His reaction will hopefully tell you if it did or not.

In any case, I think you need to minimise contact with him and not have him around your kids (if you have kids).

the specialist did say none epileptic seizures are usually a response to trauma especially abuse from a family member. I was also bullied badly at school so that could be a trigger.

I'm surprised a specialist said that - i'm not doubting you btw. IME medical issues are never as cut and dried as that because the reality is they don't know why issues are caused.

I think given you aren't even sure if this happened it would be a difficult thing to bring up. Could you bring it up with him in a way that didn't accuse him maybe say you think it was a family member and judge how he reacts then go from there?

First things first, you may have epilepsy and the abuse is just a red herring. That is something to consider.

On my DP side of the family, there was a case of sibling on sibling sexual abuse, all minors, and the perpetrator had an intervention with psychological counselling to learn about safe touching etc.

Another fairly distant member of the family was in fact definitely sexually abused as a child, and did have febrile seizures. There could have been a connection, but it would be impossible to say. They no longer have epilepsy.

I don’t think it would be likely a false memory, but it’s a tricky one as to whether to bring this one up. You sound like you’ve suffered a lot, but bringing this up could also have a lot of negative repercussions.

I can’t imagine you would dream this at such a young age. If you dreamt it older than that you would know it was a dream, and dreams fade. I’ve had dreams that were like the basis of films, but I couldn’t even tell you what they were vaguely about now.

Due to something with myself, a therapist asked me if I had ever been abused in that way. She said there was a form of hypnotherapy that I could have had that might have revealed if, but I chose not to do it.

Maybe you should look into that, if you want to know.

I've already posted a warning about regression hypnosis. Dangerous nonsense. Your therapist was misinformed to suggest it.