People say they are coming over at a particular time and then are an hour or more late. Why?

[Mill3nnial]

My family are so bad for this and often it's just to "pop in" so I'm not even cooking or anything but if someone tells me they're coming over at 2 pm I expect them at 2. I make sure we're ready and the house is clean, I don't do anything that might keep me from answering the door like cleaning or vacuuming upstairs in case I don't hear the door... so I'm basically just waiting around and it annoys me so much. I'm then in a bad mood when they get here.

I'm sure I shouldn't be so bothered but I can't help it if I'm expecting someone at a certain time.

Did she change after that, @Rubyupbeat?

If I was cooking I'd tell them the meal would be ready at a certain time. If not there by that time they could eat it after they eventually arrive when it had been heated up in the microwave. I've no time for rude people.

And that's fair enough BUT they shouldn't then whinge when I'm not in

Set up an earlier arrival time for those who are late. Eg you have dinner planned for 8pm, tell them it is 7.30pm.
If it is not at a restaurant but ay my place and I am hosting I would not actually be too fussed if someone js a bit late to be honest, as i know things may happen that delay them and they are most likely already stressed. Why add to that? You just start on time without waiting for them. They will themselves already feel bad arriving late.

I have ADHD. If I'm late, it's not because I'm rude or disrespectful. It's because my brain is wired differently and I'm disabled.

I put strategies in place to cope with my timekeeping, which work most of time. However, they don't always work, and it makes me feel shit and like a failure. Holding it against me is a sure fire way to trigger an anxiety spiral.

PS I only found out I had ADHD in my 40s. That was quite a lot of time of being late, not understanding why I couldn't just be on time, and feeling miserable. Unmedicated people with ADHD really do struggle with timekeeping for reasons that have nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

I just can't relax if I'm expecting someone. I might vacuum upstairs as I wouldn't expect them to go upstairs anyway. I also had gifts to wrap but would also have done that upstairs away from the kids. I can't relax as I get up to check they're where any time I hear a noise. Parents just walk into the house if I'm not there which I also don't like and the door is unlocked as DH was gardening so I can't relax.

It was also particularly annoying they told me they'd be there "before 1 pm" not 1 pm or even around 1 pm. When I questioned it when they arrived she didn't know what I was talking about. I said you said you were coming before 1 so we were waiting. She then told me they left the house at 1, went shopping, no acknowledgment they had inconvenienced us.

@hookiewookie29 when you write strategies with technology can’t was an alarm system ever used to prompt. I’m just interested in what was tried.

It would be more reasonable to wait for them, as you'd be with them anyway and they're helping you. And they might then have to do more paperwork and organise another appointment with you.

I agree - it's so rude and they never apologise either.@

@fanaticalfairy maybe she has other things to do and doesn't have time to sit around and wait for someone?

I also work a job where you can't always guarantee set times but if I'm running late I don't get annoyed with someone because they're no longer available 🤷‍♀️

I think it's reasonable for a HV or midwife to say they'll come between eg 9am to 12 noon and you should stay home if you want to see them. In that scenario, I wouldn't feel bad about going out later on

SIL does this a lot, and it can be very inconvenient. I dont' invite her for actual meals anymore because it irritates me so much. And years ago, when our DC and hers were small, DH had to have a word with her eventually because she'd say she'd pop over for tea after their toddler woke up from his nap.... but then turn up at 5:30 on a Sunday just as I was thinking about dinner for the kids and starting to get ready to wind down. Instead, it would be chaos and they'd only leave at 8.

For the rest, I DO just get on with things. If I'm in the ktichen making dinner when she gets here - so be it. I do the washing or watch tv or do whatever it is that I would normally do.

I actually let a really close friendship die off because of this issue. She was at least an hour late, sometimes two, pretty much every time she came over. She thinks it's funny and I'd get "oh what am I like" sort of stuff.
It's not funny, it's fucking rude and disrespectful, assuming I have nothing better to do than sit around waiting.
She may well have ADHD or something else - but she runs her own successful business and manages to be on time for clients etc...

So no. I let a good few years of close friendship go by the wayside as a result. Weirdly I don't even miss her, the lateness wound me up so badly, it crossed a line.

I have a good friend who lives very close to me. He likes a drink so I drive anywhere local and because my Husband and I share a car, my friend does the 'big drives' (when we go away for a weekend a couple of times a year) and he is always late to pick me up when we go away. This can range anywhere from 10 minutes to best part of an hour and the excuses range from 'I just couldn't get myself moving' (10 minutes) to 'I went to drop off such and such to so and so and they invited me in for a coffee' and he never texts. As we generally plan to go pretty early in the morning it's annoying as I could have had the extra time in bed, instead I'm sat there with my weekend bag and shoes on not able to settle into anything.

We haven't been away for over a year now as I was fed up of it.

With family though I think you need to say what you're doing. So if they say before 1 you can say OK, I'm off out at 2 so that will work.

I suppose it wouldn't occur to me that someone is literally sitting waiting for me, not even hoovering or cooking or working if I am "popping in" to their house. Popping speaks of informality and that I am sort of coming into contact with their pre-existing day. I wouldn't think a half hour either way mattered, unless we had already clarified that it would.

I basically think it's on the busy person to be specific about the time they have, and if the more drifty late person snoozes, they lose. If you are a close family person who is sort of coming alongside your mum or sister as they do their normal day, either you're there as they do stuff, or you miss them.

YANBU

Stufff like this annoys me and I find that many of DH’s family and friends do this.

One set of friends were on their way to our house (we’re less than five minutes from a major motorway). Over an hour had passed from the time they said they would arrive so DH called them. They had gotten lost. No idea why they couldn’t just call and say they were running late and/or ask for help. Ended up being two hours late. Someone meant to come to your house and over an hour late with no calls or messages can be worrying.

My MIL is almost always late and always claims to have left lots of time but a series of unavoidable things went wrong so she ends up late. She often says that she has no idea why this always happens to her, but she always ends up rushing but still being late. I used to think it was just an excuse and she was really just rude and didn't care if she kept people waiting. Over the years I have witnessed what actually happens and actually she really does believe that she has planned her time properly but she underestimates how long things take, does not allow time for small things she will need to do and cannot understand how to prioritise things if she ends up running late.
For example, if she is meeting someone for lunch at 12.30pm, 30mins drive away, she will plan to leave the house at 11.45am so that she has loads of time. She thinks it will take her 30 mins to get changed and ready to go out but she decides to start getting ready at 10.30am and then if she is ready very early she will pop to a shop on the way. So at 10.30am she will go to get ready but decide that the weather is not as good as she expected so she wants to wear a different outfit. Deciding what to wear and which accessories will go with it/changing over her hand bag etc takes her until 11.30, but she knows that she didn't really need to leave until 11.45 so she's still early- yay! Since she had told herself she'd nip to the shop on the way if she was early, she heads off to do that. Although actually when she gets to the car she worries that she might have left a window open so she has to go back and check and it's actually 11.40 before she sets off. The traffic is far worse that she expected (as it's a busy time, which anyone else would have anticipated). But she tells herself that everyone she's meeting will also be stuck in traffic so she can still go shopping as she left early and obviously no one else will have done. When she gets to the shops it takes ages to find a parking space, but she's there now so she might as well go in and have a look around. She looks round a few shops (no point going and not looking everywhere) and has to queue to buy a few things so it's after 1pm when she gets back to her car. She texts the people she's meeting to say she's been delayed due to traffic but will be there soon. By the time she's got to the restaurant and found a car park space it's 2pm and everyone else has been there since 12.30pm so they've waited for ages then decided to order. This is clearly unfair since she set off early and has just had bad luck. She wants to eat at the same time as everyone else but the restaurant say they can only do that if she will have certain quick meals. This is really unfair and means that she ends up eating her main course when everyone else is on dessert. Plus she can't understand why other people are leaving before she has finished her dessert.

Oh God, this is so common nowadays and so annoying. I don't know what to do about it except assume that they'll be late and be sure to do something with the time that feels useful and doesn't stop me hearing the doorbell. You can try telling them you don't like it but most likely you'll get the feeble excuses. 'Got delayed by a phone call' or 'Running late' which is my personal unfavourite.

Oh this is funny. I am not intrinsically a late person but I did find once I had kids that I struggled and this is pretty much how it went for me (except without the sense of entitlement). I had to really learn to lower my expectations of what I could get done if I wanted to be on time for things and/or massively inrease my estimations of how long things would take me.

So, for example, pre kids, I might need to leave at 11:45, go to get ready at 11:15 and I'd probably have a bit of time left over so could shoot to the shop or load the dishwasher.

But now, everything takes longer because while I'mgetting ready, the kids are asking me 1000 questions. In between, I realise that DH has not actually remembered that DS has to go to basketball, so I have to remind him (and DS). Then I realise that we've still got piles of laundry to do so think/ "I'll just put a quick oad on" except.. it's not quick is it becuase I have to sort it and dpo a quick run round to see where the random socks are lying.....

Or I'd think I have time to go to the shop with DS before meeting friends.... but of course, with a baby, everything takes longer.

I'm better now, but it really did take me accepting the real time it takes to do things vs what it USED ot take!

So who would take kids to school then? And I didnt ask for first appointment never mind another

It's obviously not improved either my DD has message saying HV coming for antenatal/introduction thing on Friday ( luckily her day off work) She waited all morning, phoned them and they said " oh no the appt Monday in between 9-12" Despite having text showing Fri

So swapped work shift to wait in and they didn't bother to turn up today either.

In what world is this acceptable?

I feel you, I really do. I am watching this thread with interest as I have three friends who are always late by at leat 15 minutes leaving me in pubs/cafes etc on my own checking my phone, and a sibling who always arrives at least an hour late by car to my house, and lies about traffic (I've checked)!

This drives me nuts too.
The worst one was my brother and his wife being three hours late on christmas day at my parents house which meant no presents for the anyone (my mums rule) and us sitting around waiting for them to join us all.

@MadnessIsMyMiddleName I imagine too many guests isn't a huge issue if you'd enjoy watching someone you presumably like be upset...blimey

I accept it's on me that I can't just get on with things but I can't relax if I'm expecting someone as I worry I won't hear the door or think I've heard something if I'm busy and can't relax to even watch tv. Not sure why but it just puts me on edge.