People say they are coming over at a particular time and then are an hour or more late. Why?

[Mill3nnial]

My family are so bad for this and often it's just to "pop in" so I'm not even cooking or anything but if someone tells me they're coming over at 2 pm I expect them at 2. I make sure we're ready and the house is clean, I don't do anything that might keep me from answering the door like cleaning or vacuuming upstairs in case I don't hear the door... so I'm basically just waiting around and it annoys me so much. I'm then in a bad mood when they get here.

I'm sure I shouldn't be so bothered but I can't help it if I'm expecting someone at a certain time.

This I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t you just say, ‘Oh, I wasn’t expecting you until X and I’m afraid I’ve got to go and do Y now, could you just look after yourself for a bit?’

I would stick a note on the door saying:

'I was here at the agreed time, you weren't! I've now gone out!'

I wouldn't bother actually going out, but would probably stand and watch discreetly from a window, to enjoy seeing their reaction, when they realise you're no longer prepared to sit around awaiting THEIR convenience. Then when they text to see where you are, don't answer it, leave them wondering, like they leave you. I doubt whether they would be late again without letting you know.

I admire your strength.

Maybe adjust the agreement so it won't be about a very specific time, but some kind of range? Or agree some "not before" time and ask for a message when they set on the way with adjusted estimate.

Being exactly on time is rather hard (for many people) and managing it typically means being early or waiting close to the location or something like that. However, being early when visiting someone's home is not polite, as they don't have to be ready for you just yet. Actually, in some cultures it is good manners to come 10-20 minutes after the agreed time, to give the host extra few minutes to be ready.

When meeting friends we typically set half an hour window when we expect them to arrive and they let us know asap if they realise they won't make it in that timeframe.

From my point of view if others are visiting me, it isn't that big deal, I am at home, I can relax and it is much less stressful for me to wait at my home than for anyone else trying to be on time.

This annoys me too. I've had a friend who was supposed to come over to collect something and didn't turn up.. arranged the next day and forgot... arranged again then told me the next day sorry her child was unwell (I understand but a quick text wouldn't hurt) I was waiting and waiting and it's just rude. If I'm saying I'm going to be somewhere, I make sure I turn up.

OP I feel exactly the same and make sure am ready for my visitor, if they are late I can get quite pissed off and wish they weren't then coming

Because they didn't ask if it was ok that they were arriving early. They just showed up and why should I be put in the position of having to say that? It's just basic courtesy (unless it's someone very close, who might regularly expect to spend time on their own in your house) to at least just call up front and ask.

I'm quite often late as I have to rely on public transport and I think I do have some ND-related time blindness...it's rarely more than 5/10 minutes and I always text and let the person know.

I think the most important thing with that is to be completely honest with people when making plans.

If they know you’ll probably be late, and why, then it’s going to be much easier to be patient than if they just think you can’t be bothered.

Well that's stupid, it won't be their fault they're late, will it? You might be the 8th person that day, and they might have spent a bit longer at one mother's house because the mum broke down in tears, or they're trying to get across town in rush hour.

I had a friend like this and would tell her to come an hour earlier than I wanted her to arrive. And then stopped inviting her.

I think you're onto something with the pre mobile days bit.

Pre mobiles we would strange to meet say 11am and everyone would get buses etc that would be due to arrive 10.30/10.45am and people would wait until 11.15am and then go on.

Nowadays someone can text to say they are running late so don't bother about being on time.

They can be text to ask whereabouts so don't bother informing people they are late.

And the worst one is getting a text about a better offer and just deciding to do that instead.

But I'm with those who don't bother with people who think their time is more important than mine.

You have to ensure people who are consistently late have consequences. Easy enough if friends, as they become former friends. A bit more difficult with relatives I accept.

I had a 8am HV appt and they were still bloody late. It's not as though I never had anything better to do with my time. Like the school run for example

Only ever saw the MW with DD2 once. I explained I was out of a morning but be back by lunchtime. So what did the do? Ignore that and rock up at 10am

Fortunately by the time DS came id learned than all these visits weren't compulsaryso just said no

I have to agree.
My SIL is always late, she has made people miss flights, by "wafting".
She arrives late for every single thing. (Oh, but wait, she was on time for her son's wedding....)
We have arrived for lunch invites & she isnt home.. we hang around.
She arrives late when invited.
She smirks, everyone indulges it.
I cannot stand it. So am refusing all ongoing invites including Xmas dinner.

My family aren't like this but I used to have two friends who did it. They don't anymore because I let them know what I thought of them.

Huh? What do you mean, ’put in the position of having to say that’? You just say it. It’s not difficult.

@bridgetreilly not sure why you feel the need to be so snippy.

If someone knows they are likely to arrive that much too early is it really so difficult to either think for themselves and go off and do something else for a few hours, or at least text up front and say, "I'm going to be earlier than expected, is it ok?". You don't know the reasons why someone might not appreciate you turning up early and you shouldn't have to explain to anyone why it's not convenient.

Maybe some just appreciate their privacy more than others and it's a massive invasion of privacy to just rock up several hours early unannounced.

I would just tell them I need to go out at 3pm and stick to it. That way they have an hour max and if they're late that's just tough luck.

I invited my friend and her DP for lunch at 1pm and they turned up at 11am once. I was so annoyed. I wasn't ready, hair half dried, trying to prep lunch, etc.

Being more than 10 minutes early or 10 minutes late is just rude.

@MadnessIsMyMiddleName - you wouldn't actually do that would you? Stick a note on the door and say you have gone out. Was that tongue in cheek

Why not? Think that's an excellent idea. Id have fun watching reaction on the ring bell

My parents had friends who were ALWAYS around 2 hours late for everything, so after several decades of frustration just started telling them a different time to everyone else. Eg there would be a specific get together planned and everyone was meeting at 4pm, they would be told 2pm. It seemed to just lighten a load in my Mother overnight.

My DH and I are really good time keepers- never late for anything and hate others being late.
However, our DD is 21 and gas ADHD. She is late for absolutely everything, it drives me mad! We'd booked to go out for Christmas dinner last year at 2.00. She was so late that we'd eaten our starter and were on our main course by the time she joined us. Her food sat on the table,getting cold. She actually still lives at home so didn't need to travel far to the pub but she was nowhere near ready when we needed to leave so had to come in her own car. Every job she's had, she's late- even when she didn't start till 6pm! We've tried different strategies but they don't make any difference!

An old friend of mine was always late,be it for a booked restaurant, or popping round mine for a coffee. One day I was so pissed off waiting in a restaurant for 40 minutes, I left a tip, walked out, then bumped into her at the door. She was really surprised, but I said, ' believe it or not I do have other things to do' and went home.

Midwives / health visitors can't work to fixed timescales in that way. If they allocate eg 30 mins per patient, inevitably some appointments will be quicker / longer than others. Would be nonsense for them to eg sit in a car park waiting until your fixed appointment at 11am, or leave you in a crisis because they absolutely must be at their next appointment at 11am