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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children taking the mickey?

71 replies

Ihavenoclueaboutwhattodo · 15/12/2024 02:06

I had a birthday recently and put on a lovely buffet that took both time and effort. My daughter was supposed to be coming for 3.30pm, straight from school with the grandkids so I put everything in the oven for that time so it would be hot when they arrived.

She was an hour and fifteen minutes late so everything was cold but the thing that sent me into a rage, was that she had taken the grandkids and herself and partner to McDonalds before coming to the buffet.

This meant the food was cold and no one actually ate very much at all as they had already eaten!

I have spoken to my friends about it and they all said it was extremely rude and disrespectful, which is my opinion as well.

I somehow kept my calm when she did eventually arrive so as not to upset the grandchildren but she didn't even apologise. I didn't want to cause a scene at the time so It has been swept under the table for now.

My husband was fuming and said how would she feel if we rocked up an hour and fifteen minutes late and had called at a kfc before we arrived for her buffet.

My aibu is that I feel like never hosting her again, or going to any events she herself puts on that involve a buffet.

Am I being unreasonable to not host her again?

OP posts:
Isittimeformynapyet · 15/12/2024 02:13

Sounds like you don't communicate enough.

Roseshavethorns · 15/12/2024 02:14

Did your daughter know that you were preparing food?
If she knew and then took the kids to eat first then I think you are right to be upset and angry. If you hadn't made your plans clear then I would chalk it down to miscommunication.
I think refusing to host her and your grandchildren again or refusing to attend any event that involved a buffet is a complete over reaction and one you would soon regret.

User1484POP · 15/12/2024 02:15

Is there some back story? Did she not know you would have food?

ThatTealViewer · 15/12/2024 02:49

You didn’t ask her why she was late and they’d all already eaten?

userppppppppp · 15/12/2024 03:03

How old are the grandkids?

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 05:04

Your dd had either forgotten or was not told? Talk it through?

BCBird · 15/12/2024 05:32

You should have told her afterwards privately. 10m of uncomfortable chat as opposed to weeks of it simmering under the surface is best. . Next birthday go out, facial, walk, something a bit different to what you would usually do.

Newdaynewstarts · 15/12/2024 05:32

Depends if she knew you were preparing food. Do you have a habit of not offering food or are you a dreadful cook? Not being funny… just asking, maybe she is h fit she’s feed the children so they didn’t keep washing to eat?

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 15/12/2024 05:33

I think you need to have a conversation “DD I found it really rude and disrespectful that not only were you late but went to McDonalds before coming to my birthday buffet meaning all the food went to waste”

Then see what she says if she is flippant with her response you know to make a quick platter next time/ not host again.

Did she possibly think others would be there/ not kid friendly food ? My DM once held a dinner with no food my toddler would eat so know I bring extra food just in case so is it possible she thought it wasn’t food her kids would eat. But yes a heart to heart is needed first

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 15/12/2024 05:37

Do you have form for serving food that the kids don't like/ won't eat, was she making sure they were full before they got to yours?

Pat888 · 15/12/2024 05:42

Is there some previous issue that she is 'punishing' you for.
Or did she not realise how much you were cooking, did she forget you were cooking?
If it's the first you need to resolve this not make things worse - or let DH encourage you to make things worse.

WillowTit · 15/12/2024 05:55

that is very disappointing.
are her children very fussy eaters?

AgentJohnson · 15/12/2024 05:57

She either didn’t know/ forgot or is very rude, if it’s the latter I doubt this is her first rodeo.

If she is frequently rude and thoughtless, for your own sanity, any plans that include her should be very low effort.

Yeahno · 15/12/2024 06:10

They don't want eat at your house.

SchoolDilemma17 · 15/12/2024 06:12

There is a backstory here for sure. Also do people normally eat hot food at 3.30pm?
maybe they were expecting cake and tea? Were they the only guests?

CleverGreyDuck · 15/12/2024 06:32

Did she know you were doing a buffet? Feels an odd thing for her to do

Fraaances · 15/12/2024 06:34

Absolute dick move assuming she knew about it.

Meadowfinch · 15/12/2024 06:37

CleverGreyDuck · 15/12/2024 06:32

Did she know you were doing a buffet? Feels an odd thing for her to do

This.

Also, was it a child friendly buffet? Children can be very picky. Do they like your food?

AllThatEverWas · 15/12/2024 06:38

Are any of the grandkids what you might describe as fussy eaters by any chance?

My DC are autistic. Taking them somewhere where there was food that they couldn't eat because of their disabilities when they were hungry would have left to major meltdowns

Care to share what you were cooking?

lionloaf · 15/12/2024 06:55

Did she know?

Not inviting her again sounds like cutting off your nose to spite your face. I assume you want to see your grandchildren?

A bit annoying of her, but a very extreme reaction to cut off your family members over a few sausage rolls.

GravyBoatWars · 15/12/2024 06:56

If she definitely knew that there would be child-friendly food ready to be eaten on arrival at 3:30 then she was absolutely rude. I wouldn’t expect that at that time on a weekday if I wasn’t explicitly told, though, and hangry children make terrible party guests.

But your impulse to respond with tit-for-tat behavior is rather juvenile, and turning this into a rift seems extreme. I’d calmly tell her how you felt (leave off the accusations or assumptions about her motives, just describe what happened on your side of things) instead and see where that goes.

standardduck · 15/12/2024 07:00

I think it sounds extreme to never host your daughter and DGC, unless there is a massive backstory or she did it deliberately.

Did she know there will be a hot buffet? Are her children picky eaters?

Is your relationship with your daughter strained? I can't imagine my mum not talking to me about this if it was something that upset her.

bluebee17 · 15/12/2024 07:01

Did she know?

2catsandhappy · 15/12/2024 07:33

I am wondering if the dc got into the car saying "I'm hungry" and dd said "It's ok we are going to Nanny for a buffet" and the hangry dc did not recognise the word and wailed until dd suggested fast food.
I love a buffet! I never realised there was such a thing as a hot buffet though.
It all sounds a bit disappointing and your feelings are hurt.
Why didn't you text dd or her dh?

SchoolDilemma17 · 15/12/2024 07:45

I think maybe she didn’t know there was hot food at 3.30pm? Did you say something like “pop in after school for my birthday” and not mention time or food?

we are invited for tea at 3.30 today and I am expecting tea, coffee, maybe some biscuits. Would be very surprised to see a lasagne coming out of the oven then.

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