Adult children taking the mickey?

[Ihavenoclueaboutwhattodo]

I had a birthday recently and put on a lovely buffet that took both time and effort. My daughter was supposed to be coming for 3.30pm, straight from school with the grandkids so I put everything in the oven for that time so it would be hot when they arrived.

She was an hour and fifteen minutes late so everything was cold but the thing that sent me into a rage, was that she had taken the grandkids and herself and partner to McDonalds before coming to the buffet.

This meant the food was cold and no one actually ate very much at all as they had already eaten!

I have spoken to my friends about it and they all said it was extremely rude and disrespectful, which is my opinion as well.

I somehow kept my calm when she did eventually arrive so as not to upset the grandchildren but she didn't even apologise. I didn't want to cause a scene at the time so It has been swept under the table for now.

My husband was fuming and said how would she feel if we rocked up an hour and fifteen minutes late and had called at a kfc before we arrived for her buffet.

My aibu is that I feel like never hosting her again, or going to any events she herself puts on that involve a buffet.

Am I being unreasonable to not host her again?

You said they went to macdonalds then later said kfc. Make your mind up.

That was really rude of her op.

I’d think really carefully about what you want to achieve, and then work backwards from that.

My initial reaction would be the same as yours. I’d feel hurt and offended.

In your position I think the most sensible and mature thing to do would be to consider whether there had been adequate communication ahead of the event and then if necessary raise it with her, I’d say as little as possible though and just try to frame it in a ‘trying to understand where the plans fell down and why’ kind of way. I’d also (without being too dramatic) let her know the impact it had on you, Then wait for her to reflect and respond.

It would be easy to react in a way that further damages your relationships with your daughter, her partner and even possibly your grandchildren so I would tread carefully but assertively. Least said, soonest mended.

If they didn't know the word buffet then their mum should explain

No she didn't.

She said her daughter went to mcdonalds, then later compared it to if she (OP) went to KFC before one of her daughters catered events.

Seems like a huge overreaction to “never host her again “

I understand why you’re upset OP but maybe she was worried a “buffet” wasn’t going to satisfy ravenous and tired DC after school. I agree it was thoughtless though. I wouldn’t bear a grudge but don’t bother making such an effort next time.

I think she was really rude. Even if she didn't know you were preparing food, or doesn't like your food, they all still turned up over an hour late.

If they had turned up on time, then you'd not have been kept waiting and even if they didn't like the food you'd prepared, they still could have gone to Macdonald's afterwards instead.

Can't believe people ain't picking up on the fact that the daughter arrived 1hour 15 minutes late , that's incredibly rude let alone about the food

No. She didn’t.

Doing a meal for 3.30 for us an odd time to eat! Do neither your daughter or her partner go to work-don’t people normally eat ‘after work’ time on a week day?

How had you communicated this plan with people? What did you actually say? Do you have them round a lot-do you know the kids will eat this type of food? Were other friends and family there or just them?

The crucial thing is did they know you were giving them tea? and did they know they were expected at a certain time eg straight after school, rather than a more vague "after school" which could be any time. Finally is their back history of them coming and food not being offered, or substantial food not being offered?

All of this is relevant as to whether you dd did anything wrong. My ex mil you to invite us round and if there was food (she had form not not even offering biscuits) there would be barely enough for 4 toddlers let alone 2 adults and 2 teens so used to go to McDonald's on the way, just once we were caught out as she had a new slow cooker and had prepared a lovely hearty casserole and had bought crusty sourdough, I had to squeeze it down without making myself feel ill from over eating! What I'm saying is what you have done in the past is a factor as you s miscommunication. I would also suggest that if a buffet contains straight from freezer to oven foods that cook quickly, you don't cook until people actually arrive, far better that way

This. All over a buffet.

No she didn’t. From the OP

My husband was fuming and said how would she feel if we rocked up an hour and fifteen minutes late and had called at a kfc before we arrived for her buffet.

Not for them - they all had a McDonalds at 3.30 ish.

There's got to be more to this.

What she did was rude and disrespectful and I would be making that clear, and expressing my hurt and disappointment to her so she understands.

But to refuse to ever host her again or attend events she organises where she puts on a buffet is massively over the top so I say yes, YABU.

According to OP the daughter was supposed to be coming at 3.30. OP your daughter was rude. I don’t know why so many posters are so determined to put you in the wrong.

I think there's got to be more to this, a back story of some sort. There often is. Doesn't mean OP is wrong, just that we're not getting the full picture.

OP can you respond regarding whether or not you communicated clearly to your daughter that there would be food?
Depending on this, it could be either rudeness or a misunderstanding, which are very different

I agree with this and find it really weird that you didn't have a conversation with her at the time.

Only unreasonable if she knew you were expecting them at a specific time, not a generic in the afternoon after school type thing, and that you specified that you would be making food.

They didn't understand that the party came with food,
Or, they really don't like your food, they don't tell you because they don't want to upset you and agreed to only have a bit to make an effort.
Or, the kids refused to go and they bribed them with McDonald's.

I can't understand why she would do that. It would cost her money and it's a pain in the arse going to McDonald's with kids. Why wouldn't she come straight to yours? If it was your birthday as well then it's very hurtful. You need to talk to her about it. It sounds as though she doesn't have a good grip on finances if she's doing this. Is that right?

Yes she did know, she also knew I would be serving kid friendly hot food, chicken nuggets, pizza etc.

I did a birthday buffet for my granddaughter last year and my daughter commented at the time that it was absolutely brilliant and full of lovely food that everyone enjoyed. So it wasn't like I hadn't done this numerous times or done a rubbish buffet so she felt she had to feed them beforehand, it was just plain disrespect and rudeness.

I am still annoyed about it and a bit flabbergasted as there is just no way I could do that to someone else!