Adult children taking the mickey?

[Ihavenoclueaboutwhattodo]

I had a birthday recently and put on a lovely buffet that took both time and effort. My daughter was supposed to be coming for 3.30pm, straight from school with the grandkids so I put everything in the oven for that time so it would be hot when they arrived.

She was an hour and fifteen minutes late so everything was cold but the thing that sent me into a rage, was that she had taken the grandkids and herself and partner to McDonalds before coming to the buffet.

This meant the food was cold and no one actually ate very much at all as they had already eaten!

I have spoken to my friends about it and they all said it was extremely rude and disrespectful, which is my opinion as well.

I somehow kept my calm when she did eventually arrive so as not to upset the grandchildren but she didn't even apologise. I didn't want to cause a scene at the time so It has been swept under the table for now.

My husband was fuming and said how would she feel if we rocked up an hour and fifteen minutes late and had called at a kfc before we arrived for her buffet.

My aibu is that I feel like never hosting her again, or going to any events she herself puts on that involve a buffet.

Am I being unreasonable to not host her again?

She had agreed the time in advance, it was all planned very carefully.

Thank you for clarifying x

I really wanted to, but I didn't want to spoil the party for my lovely grandchildren, and it would have as there would have been an atmosphere.

You can have a conversation with your daughter, now that the party is over, and tell her how rude and disrespectful it was. Her reaction will inform you about how you proceed in the future.

I'd be really annoyed and I would be letting her know I was. Never hosting your own daughter again though seems quite extreme.

I would quietly withdraw from hosting her in the future. There is no need to retaliate by doing the same thing to her. She seems to be deliberately sending a message and the best way to pretend you have not noticed and rise above it.

it is a very sad situation she has put you in.

Sounds like there’s underlying problems. You didn’t mention it because it would have caused an atmosphere? From who?

It’s your own daughter. I would have just said “why on earth did you eat MacDonalds on your way to my lovely hot buffet?!”

If she definitely had agreed the time and knew you would be serving food shortly after arrival then I think it was very rude and inconsiderate of her, you're right to be annoyed.

Would you really though? I think most people would have just bitten their tongue as I did so as not to spoil the event.

Going forward I will get over it obviously but I won't be offering to do a buffet in the near future.

Absolutely. We’re open with each other. You make it all sound quite formal.

If you communicated, she might have had a reason or just apologised for not thinking. But she has no idea you’re miffed and you’re silently cancelling all future buffets. Sounds unnecessary and unhealthy for the family dynamic to me.

There could be no reason for her to go to McDonalds before coming to her mum's for tea. No reason at all.

Depends on if she knew there was a buffet or not. If she knew, this is fucking horrible behaviour and suggests that she maliciously and deliberately ruined your birthday. If not, it's still incredibly rude to be a full hour and a half late without informing you. Furthermore, if I got to someone's house late, having eaten, and discovered that they'd cooked a full dinner I would feel so guilty and embarrased. The fact that she didn't apologise is bizarre. Honestly, either situation sounds really hostile and disrespectful, and it might be worth having a conversation with her to see what's going on there.

YABU not to have an adult conversation with her, explain how upset/angry/peed off you are and how rude and disrespectful her actions appear to be. I understand your reasons for not saying anything at the time, although frankly I would have, but don't get why you still haven't said anything. Not hosting her again seems extreme and passive aggressive. Give her a chance to explain (there might be a reasonable explanation although I can't think what it could be) and/or apologise. Then move on.

No, most people wouldn't have done that. People with good communication with family members would have asked them why they ate fast food on the way to a catered party and made themselves late, because that's extraordinarily rude and should not be ignored!

I have to admit that I don’t think that most people would have just sucked it up either. Not everyone would have lost their cool, but most people would have said something.

If it was a communication thing then, if I had been the DD, I would have been mortified when I realised and apologised profusely.

If, as some people suggested, the DC were so hungry they couldn't wait then surely the only acceptable thing would be to get them a Happy Meal to eat in the car on the way to the OP's. That way they wouldn't have been so late and at least the adults would still have an appetite.

But I agree their behaviour does seem rude and thoughtless. I can understand you not wanting to spoil the day further by having a go at the time but I think the best course of action, rather than silently stewing and not hosting for the foreseeable, is to bring it up in a message and see if an apology or explanation is forthcoming.

For example:
"Your Dad and I were quite hurt and upset the other day that our efforts to put on a nice buffet were wasted. Is there any reason why you turned up so late having already eaten? I thought we had agreed a time and I made it clear I was catering."

As the responses here have demonstrated, I think most people would have asked why they’d already eaten. Not in an ‘I am so furious’ way, but because it’s an odd thing to do when you know you’re being cooked for. And not asking why they were 90 minutes late is a bit baffling.

The fact that you don’t get this would indicate that communication may not be your (you and your family) strong suit.

There’s no need for fury or to stop hosting. Just talk to your daughter.

I think it’s a huge overreaction tbh and threatening to never host again just too much. It’s almost certainly a misunderstanding unless there is more to it. I imagine op needs to just say I made food for all of you and it was disappointing when you had tea at McDonald’s.

OP, you have your daughter’s phone number, right?

I certainly wouldn’t have started a shouting match at the party but I would have looked for a quiet moment to ask DD why she did that and if one didn’t come up during the party I would have texted or called the next day. Bypassing all of that and going straight to just never hosting your own daughter or GC again and thinking about ways to pay back their rudeness is rather dysfunctional.

Talk to your daughter. Tell her you found it rude and were really hurt and ask her why she did that.

When she was half an hour late why didn't you call her?

Re the buffet - did this include things you know your DD and GC eat?

I ask because I have a relative who insists on doing buffet food for occasions but hasn’t quite clocked on that what they’re preparing isn’t necessarily appealing. Think pork ribs slathered in sauce, chicken drumsticks when catering to vegetarians and kids who don’t like meat on the bone or sauce covered things. They then spend the occasion making passive aggressive comments about “what’s wrong with my food” and take on board precisely zero of the comments.

I also echo another poster as to whether there is a back story here as your reaction is extreme.