To think my relationship is okay?

[O6bftdff]

Just curious really after a conversation with friends.

I’m 36, and for a fair few years now I’ve had a very casual relationship with someone who started out as a good friend. We both own our own houses and have no thoughts of living together. We text several times a day, but only see each other every couple of weeks where we usually have a few drinks, play quizzes, darts, pool or whatever and stay at one of our houses. We never argue.

I’d walk away if I found out he had cheated, and I’m sure he would me. It started out a lot more casual fun maybe ten years ago, and a couple of times it’s been broken off because I’ve met another man who seemed to want a more conventional relationship. I always end up regretting it, the relationship fails and I go back to this man. After the last time it seemed to get slightly more serious and we wouldn’t see anyone else now, we go on holiday etc, but it remains casual.

I am happy. My friends think it’s not a real relationship and I should be demanding more of him, but honestly I’m happy with things as they are. Am I being foolish and will look back and regret not getting myself on Tinder to find someone who wants to do the whole living together, marriage thing?

Do you want to live with someone, get married etc? If not why would you ever regret not doing it?

sounds like this thing works for you, fair play, enjoy it!

You’ve missed out the crucial detail. Do you want marriage, kids, the usual shebang at some point in the future, or is it a hard no? If you don’t then who cares what anyone else says? If it’s bothering you what your friends are saying, is that because on some level you do want those things and know it’s not with him?

At 36, yes I think you might regret it.

You've just described my friend's relationship but they're both in their 60s.

Don’t want kids, indifferent to marriage. It doesn’t bother me as such, it just had me pondering it - whether it’s okay to be happy with things as they are or whether I’m being stupid not to try and find something more traditional.

Does she regret it?

I think if you're happy and it works for you, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks! Are you in love with him? Would you like to see him more often? Only you can decide if what you have is enough for you.

I think it sounds lovely. Quiz, drinks, good chat & a bit of action. Without the irritation of cohabiting.
Maybe it won't last forever but who says it has to? Neither do traditional relationships (that meet your friends' definitions)

Op, gently, you're being bonkers.

If you're happy with it, then you're happy with it

Whether your friend or whether society thinks you should be happy with it or not is irrelevant.

Heres my list of things that many in society can't seem to handle that for some people it's preferable;
1, being single
2, only wanting casual relationships
3, preferring to be home rather than out

1. Being alone

Personally it doesn't sound like a relationship to me - more of a strong friendship? But if it makes you happy and fulfills what you want, I don't see why it can't be a relationship for you!

I'd probably make sure a real life friend in your situation was genuinely happy and if they were, not have a second thought.

This would be my ideal relationship, however I’m at a slightly different life stage as I have young adult DCs living at home and a messy divorce behind me.

I really see the appeal though and if marriage and kids aren’t a driving force it sounds lovely.

There are no rules about what a relationship should look like. If you’re happy with the set-up, why would you change because of what a friend thinks about it?

I think it’s good not to be too dependent on a partner and have a life outside of that.

Marriage can be claustrophobic for a lot of people.

No, because they're in their 60s.

They're both widowed, both own their houses outright, both have grandchildren and very independent, full lives.

They've done mostly all they want to do with their lives, so their relationship is perfect as they're missing out on nothing.

I do love him. In some ways I’d like to see him more, because I enjoy seeing him, but we both have busy social lives at weekends which I wouldn’t want to give up. I wouldn’t want to see him during the week.

No. I’ve got very good friends and I definitely don’t do with them what I do with him.

What do you think I’d be missing out on being younger? (Asking genuinely, not sarcastically).

You said you’ve broken it off to be with someone who is interested in a more traditional relationship before but regretted it so I would say your happy

FWB? If you're happy with it why are you asking?

No, FWB are friends who have sex when they’re both single.. I’ve explained why I’m asking twice.

The way you keep splitting with this guy when the chance of a more 'conventional' relationship comes up. When you say 'conventional' what is it that's missing from what you have with this guy?
Other than living together/marriage.
I think if you're happy with him then great. But I get the impression you might break it off for someone again like before? If the other bloke offered more commitment? Is your current guy just there because it's easy and he'll take you back if you do try to go elsewhere?

You seem to have a perfect relationship. If you don't want other things you don't need them.

If you're happy, then it's nobody's business. Sounds liberating to me- all the best bits, none of the drudge.

Life is too short - if you’re happy and enjoying it, go for it!

I wouldn’t say I keep doing it. I’ve done it twice in ten years, but on both occasions we were a lot more casual. The last time I thought I wanted more, and met a man who also did and so I broke it off.

My new boyfriend obviously wanted to stay over on weeknights and go to bed much earlier than I ever do, wanted to do things like shop together which I had no interest in, and oh my god the arguments. It was miserable, I missed the current man, and I rang him within a minute of us breaking up.

@O6bftdff in that case why the need to question your current set up. It suits you. If your friends or family don't call it a 'real' relationship. You could reply with, 'what's one of those, washing someone's pants and hearing them snore every night?' They're probably a bit jealous.

the fact that you are asking, suggests you are aware there is something better out there. Sometimes we can settle but I don't know if I would have at just 36.