To think my relationship is okay?

[O6bftdff]

Just curious really after a conversation with friends.

I’m 36, and for a fair few years now I’ve had a very casual relationship with someone who started out as a good friend. We both own our own houses and have no thoughts of living together. We text several times a day, but only see each other every couple of weeks where we usually have a few drinks, play quizzes, darts, pool or whatever and stay at one of our houses. We never argue.

I’d walk away if I found out he had cheated, and I’m sure he would me. It started out a lot more casual fun maybe ten years ago, and a couple of times it’s been broken off because I’ve met another man who seemed to want a more conventional relationship. I always end up regretting it, the relationship fails and I go back to this man. After the last time it seemed to get slightly more serious and we wouldn’t see anyone else now, we go on holiday etc, but it remains casual.

I am happy. My friends think it’s not a real relationship and I should be demanding more of him, but honestly I’m happy with things as they are. Am I being foolish and will look back and regret not getting myself on Tinder to find someone who wants to do the whole living together, marriage thing?

How is it settling though?

I think it sounds fine OP.

The only thing I wonder is whether the two of you have talked about what you want, how much commitment there really is, and are on the same page?

If not I think I would do that. It would be horrible to find he sees it quite differently at some point, and it's easy to assume things that we shouldn't.

Hmm. I’m not sure what there really is to talk about. We know we don’t want kids. We know we’d be finished if either of us went with someone else. We know we’re happy living separately.

Why are you not in a conventional relationship together? Genuinely curious.

The thing that sits uncomfortably with me is that you've been in this situationship since your mid -20s if I understand you correctly? How old is he?

He’s 38.

Why? I guess because neither of us want to be. I did think it would be nice to be. I quite enjoyed the idea of living with a man and chilling with a film on a Sunday night and relaxing together on evenings, but that isn’t something he wanted and we weren’t exclusive. Then I met someone else who did want that sort of commitment and it was horrendous and I hated it.

But you might not find it horrendous with this chap?

If you’re happy then continue.

most people that are married are miserable… they want you to join their miserable club… don’t

only things to consider in this situation

1. If you want children…. Which you don’t
2. Finical support… which you don’t want?
3. commitment… he may in 10 years go off with 20 something year old and get married and have kids….you may do the same. There is no commitment. Are you ok with this?
4. who is your next of kin… I know that’s a strange question… but if you get ill or something happens to you.. who do you want to help you or who will look after your assets.

good luck

The thing I'd want to be clear on is what if either of you met someone else who wanted a more serious relationship with?

You say this happened with you and you broke it off with him. Was he hurt? If he met someone, would you be hurt?

Honestly OP this sounds close to ideal if you don't want kids. Living with a man - as you've discovered- doesn't necessarily mean greater well being.

DP and I moved in together after a 2 year long distance during which we saw each other a similar amount to you guys and were in daily contact. It's fine living together but I honestly dream of my own space, less crap all over the flat and a sleeping alone. I love him to pieces but I think we'd both happily go back to living separately if finances allowed.

If you're honestly more or less content, just tune out your mates. They don't know what they're talking about.

I completely understand why you prefer to have a relationship where you live separately, only see each other at weekends etc.

The bit I personally wouldn't be comfortable with (and I'm only talking about myself here) is that it's casual. You can have the above and be in a committed relationship.

I think that says more about the man than the situation though, because mostly living with someone you love isn't horrendous

What did you hate about it?

Do you wish you saw this guy more often?

I moved in with DH after 4 months and now we're married with kids, I wouldn't have done it any other way BUT I really wanted kids. My way isn't the right way or the only way. Neither is your friends. If you are happy and content, if you feel loved and supported and are getting your needs met, then just tell her "in happy, it works for us" and ignore her critique

How many of your strong friendships involve fortnightly sex? Cos that's NOT how my friendships rock

If it works for you that's great, if you're not wanting children then there is no time pressure, you can do this for as long as you like and if you change your mind it won't really matter, it only matters if you want kids really. It wouldn't be for me as I enjoy having a life partner, someone to live with etc, but that's not the only way to live.

I think the only 'risk', but no different to any relationship really, is if he changes his mind and wants something more conventional, either with you, or someone else. I would also want to analyse if this is something you genuinely want, or is it all he is willing to give you (I note you left for others but just want to go back to him). But that's all I'd think about really.

We weren’t exclusive when I met someone else. We are now. So I’m not sure how this is any different to if he met someone he wanted to be with more than me if we were living together and married. So yes, of course I’d be hurt.

True. But I don’t want to find out. I don’t want him round on weekdays, I don’t want to shop with him, I don’t want to share finances with him.

No, I don’t want children or his financial support.

No, of course I wouldn’t be okay if he went off with someone 20 years younger. But plenty of married men do this.

My father is currently my next of kin.

I don’t mean casual as in open to seeing other people. Just casual in that it’s not serious as in talk of living together and marrying.

But he would find it horrendous.

If he meets someone and wants children and the house etc. Obviously you would be upset but would it effect your life plans

I'd just be very cautious, it's great you also want this casual relationship because it fits your lifestyle, however men normally want a casual relationship so they can see other women and not always be transparent about it, otherwise it would put you off, however you know him best and whether you trust him and whether it's fulfilling for you long term.

I didn’t live with the other man. We didn’t get anywhere near that, it only lasted a few months. I hated how he was at my house on weekdays and wanted to go to bed at 11 when I normally stay up till 1 or 2. It led to me either going to bed early and lying awake and bored, or staying up till my normal bed time and creeping around afraid to wake him up.

I hated how he wanted to go shopping with me. I hated how he wanted me to meet his friends and family. I hated actually meeting them. I hated how he whinged about wanting to see me more. Just didn’t enjoy any aspect of it.

I’d love to see him every weekend but we both also have social lives and plans with friends so every couple of weeks works out.

Provided you are mutually agreed on not wanting children or a conventional cohabiting relationship and you are both agree that you are exclusive then it sounds fine to me!
Basically is the relationship you have now one you would be happy with for the next 50 years or are you wanting it to progress at some point?
Tbh reading thread in here makes me happier every day that i am single, so many miserable women in horrible relationships, and most the arguments and conflicts come from spending all your time together and sharing a house. You have neatly avoided all those but have a reliable companion, sounds amazing to me 😆

I wouldn’t consider it a casual relationship at all. You have mutually agreed expectations and boundaries which is more than a lot of cohabiting married people seem to have if MN is anything to go by.

It sounds ideal to me!

No. That risk is obviously there if I was living with and married to him too though.

I trust him absolutely, as far as you can trust someone.