To just cancel the meeting if this friend doesn't confirm tonight?

[suzettenoisette]

I have a new friend who tends to change plans all of the time. Let's say we decided to meet for coffee a week ago and chose a time, date and place. She will then contact me several times throughout the week to make changes and adjustments.

I do believe that she wants to meet me because she initiates most meetings, but the change of plans is driving me crazy. I have already told her that it would be great if she'd confirm earlier, because her last minute planning is difficult for me to manage as I also want to spend time with family and have chores to do. I don't have many friends here yet and that is maybe why I'm trying again and again but wondering if I should just not bother anymore? She is a nice person, but even though I have told her that this is hard for me it doesn't seem to change.

Our most recent conversation for a meeting tomorrow went like this:

She wrote on Monday if I would like to meet this weekend. I said: "Sure" and asked her if she had something specific in mind. She said she'd like to go for coffee and suggested a cafe she likes. I asked her if time X fit her and she said "yes". So for me it was arranged and I looked forward to it. I have a busy week and she contacted me on Wednesday again asking if I wanted to do something else (bowling) at a different time and in a different place instead. I told her that I would prefer to stick to the original plan as I know from experience she always tries to change things and I'm stressed out by it, which she knows. She said "okay". On Friday she contacted me again saying that she couldn't get a table at this cafe. I had previously asked her if I should make the reservation as I have done lots of bookings for our meetings before, but she said she'd take care of it. So she told me we'd have to go to another place and she picked one that is two tube stations away from the original place so that was fine by me.

Today she contacts me again and says that she wants to meet earlier because the new cafe is further away and she wants to spend more time with me. But for me it is inconvenient to change the time yet again and the new cafe is less than 10 minutes away from our original meeting place. It also closes at 8 pm so we'd have lots of time. The replies to my last thread also helped me stay strong and not cave in again, so thanks for that (it is here, if you'd like to read it, I listed another conversation that we had earlier so you can see how it always goes: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5229148-planning-a-day-and-some-red-flags-am-i-the-problem?reply=140495090 )

She is now not repyling anymore, since I told her that I want to stick to the original time. Would you just go there tomorrow at time X or not? If she confirms tomorrow, should I go or cancel due to her giving me such short notice? She knows it stresses me and that I can't plan the rest of my day, e.g. go for breakfast with my family or book a sports class.

Sorry, this thread probably doesn't portray accurately how stressful it is, maybe also read our conversation before this one in the other thread. She always does this and it's so hard for me not knowing when we will meet and if we will meet as I can't plan things around our meetings. It's like she wants me to sit around all day and wait and not be able to arrange other things. We're also in London, so if she changes the location this can add lots of time to the journey as it is a huge city.

Thanks a lot for helping. It feels so good to just tell someone. She often doesn't write either, but sends long voice messages and it just stresses me out to listen to them several times per week and rearranging plans again and again.

What do I do? Go there? Wait for a reply? Cancel if she doesn't answer tonight? Or should I tell her again?

I don't have many friends here yet and was trying to make it work. I felt lonely.

I mentioned the relationship because she showed a lack of boundaries by not accepting the decision to just stay friends in one case and not accepting that someone doesn't want daily contact in the other.

Thank you for your helpful advice! I don't have many friends here yet, but I realise I must try to make new friends instead of spending time with her.

@suzettenoisette join the gym a class a workshop and club . Anything but spend time with her . Make yourself busy then you may actually be too busy for her.

You’re also showing a lack of boundaries and ability to look after yourself. Seriously, it feels off, you know it’s off, you don’t need advice from the internet, you should trust your gut instinct.

But her behaviour, boundaries, preferences etc are outside your control. The only behaviours you can change here are your own. You were writing exactly the same thing back in December. If you don’t alter things, I can guarantee you’ll be writing similar posts in December 2025. It’s your choice to engage or not.

You’re just not compatible, and you sound vulnerable, otherwise you wouldn’t be ‘stressed out all week’ by a possible coffee at the weekend, or trailing around London to be on the same tube and engaging in endless faff about booking café tables to have a cup of tea and a croissant with someone you don’t appear to like. You mention having breakfast with family and a sports class as things impacted by changing weekend arrangements —why not prioritise those? I could see someone else being ok with more fluid arrangements or clashing communication styles, but this doesn’t work for you, so just stop choosing it.

I came to this forum seeking perspective, not judgment. Ending a friendship is not always that easy and asking for an outside view helps clarify things.

Thank you, the first part is really helpful.

I wasn't stressed all week by a possible coffee, I was stressed because she sent never ending voice messages every day altering arrangements and it felt like a chore having to listen to/reply to them on top of everything else (job, family). I also didn't trail around London to take the same tube (that was her) so I think you misunderstood that part.

From what you've said, I doubt slow fading her will work. You probably need a direct message and then immediately block. If you don't she'll harass you, you'll feel guilty, she'll suck you back in or you'll reach out when you don't have anyone to meet and think "she couldn't have been that bad could she?" And you're back to square one.

I get that making friends in London can be hard but thats what you need to focus on. Its been 5 months since you first posted so what efforts and progress have you made in cultivating other friendships in that time? It's the perfect time of year for outdoor activities, open air theatre, lates at museums - focus on finding someone who shares your interests and isn't so self absorbed.

Personally I’d say no need to message to end the friendship. Just say whatever days don’t suit and don’t initiate any meet ups. It’ll fade out rather than bring her on you, as such.

If you feel the need then block her number. But I’d just let it fade out…

Imagine she was posting here.

I’ve recently made a new friend. She seems happy for me to endlessly change our arrangements to meet up, even last minute. I’m often late, make passive aggressive comments regarding her eating habits & am happy for her to leave if another friend shows up.

I screwed up my degree, was fired from an internship & can’t accept a drug addict I was dating no longer wants a relationship with me. This latter issue has triggered my stalker tendencies, which I can see I’m now transferring onto my new friend.

I don’t know why but this friend seems to accept my poor treatment of her. Weirdly she even seems to feel sorry for me, & guilty if she doesn’t continue to see me. I’m wondering if she’s a rescuer?

This whole friendship is deeply unhealthy. I’d simply block her. You don’t need a farewell, you don’t owe her an explanation. If you can’t bring yourself to do this you seriously need to ask yourself why.

Imagine how much better your life will be without her.

Definitely concentrate on new social settings - you’ll have so much free time now that you don’t have to be thinking of this woman and constantly rearranging things with her! Have a look and see what’s available to you locally - maybe a walking group, book club, art class? Or maybe the local library wants volunteers?

I wouldn't message ending the friendship. Therein lies opportunity for her to promise she'll change, guilt trip you further and up the drama. She sounds very manipulative. I would wait til she contacts you then be vague, but say you don't have time at the moment. Don't ask her about her life. Don't reply straight away either. If she tries to push it, you have my permission to block her. 😊

I used to have a similar friend. My issue was she’d arrange to meet at say 10am for a coffee but she never wanted to leave! So every time I made moves to leave she’d say “oh let’s just get another drink! Let’s go to that pub over the road for one! Let’s go into that shop on the way home!” I always felt kind of bad saying no when I didn’t really have anything else to do. But some days I’d still be with her at 5pm! It was almost as long as a working day when we’d only arranged a “coffee”. If I ever suggested meeting in the afternoon she’d moan that we wouldn’t have long to talk. Honestly, after 7 hours on a weekly basis we were rapidly running out of things to talk about anyway! She was also an “overstayer” if she came round. Would arrive at midday and occasionally was still there at midnight! It got to the point I used to get stressed whenever she’d ask to meet because even when I’d told her I couldn’t do these “all day” meets, she would insist this time she only meant a coffee/lunch and she’d always invent a reason she also needed to leave, but when it came to it I’d get guilt tripped into staying longer and her “reasons” for leaving had miraculously been changed or cancelled.

The final time I saw her she had suggested a breakfast in a cafe followed by the cinema. We met at 8am because she said she needed to be home by 2 for an appointment. Well of course we had breakfast, watched the film and she suggested a quick drink in the pub (it was midday). I agreed but only had a coffee. At 1 I suggested we should get going. Her 2pm appointment had now been “cancelled” and she said we should get lunch. I agreed. (I know I’m an idiot). At 4pm I said I was leaving. I told her I did not want to get stuck in rush hour traffic. Her suggestion was waiting until AFTER rush hour to leave!! So potentially another 3 hours! Which would take me up to almost 12 hours with her!! Despite the fact she’d said she wanted to meet early because she was busy later. It was all just bollocks. I don’t know if she was unhappy or had reasons she didn’t like being at home. But anyway at 4pm I just left. She told me I was being ridiculous and boring. I haven’t seen her since. She sent me a long ranting message about me “abandoning her” and clearly not wanting to see her etc etc. I never replied.

The only time she ever left early was if she had a better offer. Once she suggested an early morning coffee at 9am. I arrived and she said she needed to leave by 9.30 as she had a date. I asked why she didn’t just cancel our coffee as it took me longer to get there than it would to drink it now. She just shrugged and said she still wanted to have a quick coffee and cake before her date.

@Looptop thanks for sharing your story! that was helpful!

@NeverOneBiscuit thanks, it was interesting to read it from another perspective!