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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I supposed to care about friends of my sister?

87 replies

Bonkersworknonsense · 14/12/2024 03:56

My sister has a few close friends that she met as an adult (no one from childhood). I’ve got more of a mix of childhood friends and adult friends. Consequently she knows a few of my friends, but I know none of hers.

She’ll tell me about her friends’ lives, so and so got divorced, other friend tripped and broke her arm. On and on. And if I don’t show visible concern and ask about them (for weeks following whatever incident) I can tell she thinks I’m unfeeling, she’ll repeat the story and tell stronger details till I feign massive concern. Our mum did this too, expected me to get upset that old Tommy lost his favourite pipe, or Barbara got dropped from the knitting club.

Am I a monster? In all honesty, I don’t care about these people any more than I’d care for strangers in the next town, or Nepal, or on Jupiter. Sad about the pipe, but sort of theoretically, not emotionally engaged with it. Is this normal? My sister doesn’t think so.

I am a bit depressed (for years), but also am
a different temperament than my mum and sister. Neither is right or wrong … or maybe I am? It seems kind of exhausting to be invested in strangers, but perhaps others don’t find it so?

OP posts:
NavyOrca · 14/12/2024 03:58

How is the arm now?

CalicoPusscat · 14/12/2024 04:04

Just make some sort of empathetic statement like "oh no, how awful!" or "that's great" and then move the conversation on.

I tend to chat about my friends to other friends (no breaches of confidence, mind) but I wouldn't expect anyone to ask for updates or be riveted.

Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 04:07

I think it would be weird to be emotionally invested in people you don't know.

My adopted mum recently passed away from cancer. During the last 6 months people have messaged to ask how she is but it's pretty much always been focused on how I am handling it and if I need anything. Unless they know the person, there isn't much they can say or do anyway.

CatVapour · 14/12/2024 04:19

I think they’re the weird ones for expecting you to care as much as they do. Fine to share but what else can someone genuinely say other than ‘oh really?’ Or ‘oh that’s a shame’ etc to something relatively mundane happening to someone they don’t personally know.

Firefly1987 · 14/12/2024 04:25

I would say yes you should care when something bad has happened to someone regardless if you know them or not. It never ceases to amaze me that this isn't the case for some (maybe even most) people. I'm actually depressed and I feel like a lot of that is to do with being overly affected by the horrible things happening to other people (in the news etc.) so we're opposites there.

DarkForces · 14/12/2024 04:26

Have you tried doing the same back to her and expecting the same level of emotional commitment to someone she's never met?

Original poster
Bonkersworknonsense · 14/12/2024 05:10

DarkForces · 14/12/2024 04:26

Have you tried doing the same back to her and expecting the same level of emotional commitment to someone she's never met?

It might be funny to try to do it to her, but I don’t think I could pull it off.

Sounds like for the most part I’m not being odd, that it’s fairly normal not to be quite emotional about the everyday trials of people I don't know. I was a bit concerned there was something off about me as she (& our late mum) are so aghast at me taking these events calmly.

OP posts:
CatsndtheBear · 14/12/2024 05:22

I am like you, I actually couldn't care less but my mum and sister are the same.

I just say that I don't care lol.

There's absolutely no way I would be asking about people weeks later. In the moment I may say a "ooh that's sad" but I don't engage beyond that.

We all have enough going on in our own lives without worrying about everyone else's friends too. We onkjy have so much emotional energy

Jumell · 14/12/2024 05:26

YADNBU OP !!

Original poster
Bonkersworknonsense · 14/12/2024 05:42

@CatsndtheBear yes, that’s it! I can’t imagine having that much emotional energy. I never did have their level and age has worn me down, not increased my capacity.

And then, too, my sister will tell
me that she’s been going over every night after work to cut vegetables for some wounded friend, turn down their bed, bring them paracetamol. And I’m expected to say how good she is (& she is), but I also have to bite my tongue not to say I think they’re taking the piss.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonkersworknonsense · 14/12/2024 05:43

NavyOrca · 14/12/2024 03:58

How is the arm now?

😂 cheeky! Still attached to the body of the friend who I’ve never met, so that’s good.

OP posts:
GRex · 14/12/2024 05:49

YANBU. Frankly, I get bored hearing about the life events of randoms from a few relatives. Lorraine's on holiday and argued with blah and did blah and... I met her once 15 years ago, it's less interesting than a bad TV show. I think it's rather sweetly trying to bring me into their world, but I'm fine in mine and don't want to be in theirs.

From others I also get a bit frustrated with endless political chat though too; I KNOW you think X is a knob and Y has one brain cell and Z is evil incarnate... nothing has changed since the last 12 times you said so. I'd rather talk about the weather, DS, and advances in technology. I suspect my endless DS chatter drives my family up the wall too. Oh well, at least DH will talk to me about that stuff. What's the answer, all of us talking less? So we just leave heads in phones picking only topics we are interested in today on the Internet? No, we'll just have to learn to be patient, nod along with sympathetic noises, then shove in our own stories like always.

Jumell · 14/12/2024 05:50

Bonkersworknonsense · 14/12/2024 05:42

@CatsndtheBear yes, that’s it! I can’t imagine having that much emotional energy. I never did have their level and age has worn me down, not increased my capacity.

And then, too, my sister will tell
me that she’s been going over every night after work to cut vegetables for some wounded friend, turn down their bed, bring them paracetamol. And I’m expected to say how good she is (& she is), but I also have to bite my tongue not to say I think they’re taking the piss.

I see what you mean OP I had this a bit with my mum - I think tbh it’s not good when you can’t be your true self around your family members and express your true opinions

Nolegusta · 14/12/2024 05:53

You don't know them, so no you don't have to be particularly invested in them.

Original poster
Bonkersworknonsense · 14/12/2024 05:58

It’s a tricky balance. On the one hand you don’t want to start a row, on the other it’s rather isolating to not be able to speak somewhat freely.

I like the thought that she’s trying to bring me into her world, if I think of it that way I’ll feel more patient.

OP posts:
Edizzler25 · 14/12/2024 06:27

Totally get this. A bit of superficial polite interest is normal but my DH’s grandma goes on and on about her in laws extended family,
barely met any of them so have no idea who they are and she talks to us like we know them.

having too much interest just borders on gossiping about someone you don’t know / revelling in their misfortune

Firefly1987 · 14/12/2024 06:31

If it's minor things then I get it but if it was something major like something tragic had happened to someone would you not care either and just be like "meh I don't know them so..."?

arcticpandas · 14/12/2024 06:31

Whattodo3094 · Today 04:07

"I think it would be weird to be emotionally invested in people you don't know."

I would tend to agree with you when people are talking about other people. But I tend to get invested in some particular MN posters asking for help so don't know🤷‍♀️

Porkyporkchop · 14/12/2024 06:34

For the sake of ease I would just say all the “oh no!”s in the right order and move on. They love drama, you’re just giving them a bit of attention to make them happy . No harm, just annoying and not worth making a war over.

Original poster
Bonkersworknonsense · 14/12/2024 06:39

Definitely not going to make a war over it. Just if I don’t display what she feels is the right level of emotion she gets a bit upset. So I was starting to wonder if my reactions were okay/normal.

OP posts:
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 06:43

arcticpandas · 14/12/2024 06:31

Whattodo3094 · Today 04:07

"I think it would be weird to be emotionally invested in people you don't know."

I would tend to agree with you when people are talking about other people. But I tend to get invested in some particular MN posters asking for help so don't know🤷‍♀️

Haha that's true. I don't get invested in people my friends and family know, but strangers on the internet are a whole other story

verycloakanddaggers · 14/12/2024 06:53

It wouldn't keep me awake but if my sibling said their friend had been injured or was unwell I wouldn't have to feign interest, and would respond caringly in the conversation.

People can be too detached from others at times.

ExceededUsefulEconomicLife · 14/12/2024 06:54

This is definitely a mum thing. Assume sisters too after a certain age. My mum seems to forget I moved out 20 years ago and gives me in depth monologues about what's happened to her friends that I've never met and sometimes, it gets to the point where I have to say "honestly, I don't care". If it was something big then of course but it's usually "you know Matthew (internally I'm thinking no, not at all) well he's got a new job at so at so". I don't know Matthew's last name and I couldn't pick him out of a crowd but I know a lot about his life.

I assume I'll do the same.

WhatNoRaisins · 14/12/2024 06:57

I'd probably expect some polite interest in the moment but not beyond that. I agree that most people are only going to be interested in the life of a stranger if they are really interesting in some way.

CatsndtheBear · 14/12/2024 07:04

Bonkersworknonsense · 14/12/2024 05:42

@CatsndtheBear yes, that’s it! I can’t imagine having that much emotional energy. I never did have their level and age has worn me down, not increased my capacity.

And then, too, my sister will tell
me that she’s been going over every night after work to cut vegetables for some wounded friend, turn down their bed, bring them paracetamol. And I’m expected to say how good she is (& she is), but I also have to bite my tongue not to say I think they’re taking the piss.

I agree... And I'm sorry, but in my opinion it is just virtue signalling and making themselves a matyr.

Everyone I know who does this, tells everyone in great detail, expects praise for it and also they often say how tired and exhausted they are... "but it is just so rewarding to help/I could NEVER leave a friend in need".

I have to physically contain the eyerolls at this point lol.

And then inevitably they will also throw in how giving they are and also how they've been taken advantage of because of their good nature.

They want praise for doing something, everyone to acknowledge they must be the Most tired, and then unlimited sympathy when they complain about it.

Can you tell I am a bit bitter? Hahaha 😂😂😂

It is far better to do good deeds without the expectation of recognition and to maintain healthy boundaries so you don't burn out. If someone needs external validation of what a nice person they are, then they aren't really that nice at all imo.