Am I supposed to care about friends of my sister?

[Bonkersworknonsense]

My sister has a few close friends that she met as an adult (no one from childhood). I’ve got more of a mix of childhood friends and adult friends. Consequently she knows a few of my friends, but I know none of hers.

She’ll tell me about her friends’ lives, so and so got divorced, other friend tripped and broke her arm. On and on. And if I don’t show visible concern and ask about them (for weeks following whatever incident) I can tell she thinks I’m unfeeling, she’ll repeat the story and tell stronger details till I feign massive concern. Our mum did this too, expected me to get upset that old Tommy lost his favourite pipe, or Barbara got dropped from the knitting club.

Am I a monster? In all honesty, I don’t care about these people any more than I’d care for strangers in the next town, or Nepal, or on Jupiter. Sad about the pipe, but sort of theoretically, not emotionally engaged with it. Is this normal? My sister doesn’t think so.

I am a bit depressed (for years), but also am
a different temperament than my mum and sister. Neither is right or wrong … or maybe I am? It seems kind of exhausting to be invested in strangers, but perhaps others don’t find it so?

well they important to her so you could show an interest

It's also boring as fuck listening to stories about people you have never met.
My MIL does this. 😴😴😴

My mother is like this. My default answer is “oh right” with no tone or inflection whilst I stare at my phone. If she says anything like “you sound like you don’t care”, I confirm that I don’t. She gets in a huff but I don’t hear about Margaret’s dog’s arthritis for a couple of weeks.

Same. Just general life updates of people I don't know would be boring, but what's worse is that people who do this seem to specialise in finding bad news to tell you. Don't give me running updates on strangers illnesses, misfortunes and miseries; those people probably don't want you broadcasting their business to all and sundry, and why would anyone want to hear it? We're all surrounded by bad news as it is.

I moved away at 18, and my mum doing this when I was 50 did my head in.

I'm now in my late 60s and I've found myself doing it (much less frequently I have to say) and reporting back to my own kids about people who were their schoolfriends/my friends who figured daily in their lives as kids..

I think when your kids move away, you have so much less to talk about, because your lives are different and there's little overlap, compared to them living in the same place. So you dig around for something to talk about that you do have in common. But it turns out that you DID have that in common, but don't now.

It's a bit sad, really, and an example of how life shrinks when you're older.

I sort of get from the other person's perspective. I think some of us do prefer to be part of a cohesive group or community with people that know each other. Real life doesn't always match that very well and it can be harder to connect with disparate people that don't overlap.

If she went on about them a lot I probably would say that I'd prefer a conversation where we can both contribute rather than her telling me stories about people I don't know. I'm not interested in hearing people's monologues. If people are inclined to give monologues I tend to avoid them if they won't change

YANBU OP

I bet your sister describes herself as a super empathetic or a highly sensitive person but is probably a closet narcissist who just wants attention.

it really does not make any sense for you to have to show interest in mundane features in the lives of those you have never met.

some people are so weird.

I can understand they’d like you to show some concern because they are people who matter to them (a bit like showing interest in someone’s hobbies although you don’t enjoy the activity personally). But expecting unprompted follow up questions is a bit much.

From your post saying your sister likes to muck in and help when her friends have problems it seems to me she might like drama and a bit more enthusiasm from you would add to that. Don’t get me wrong, mucking in is always kind but I think sometimes the kind people are getting way more out of it than the people they are helping and I find that a bit distasteful/ parasitical

My mother is like your sister and mother. She talks endlessly about her neighbours, their children, the post office staff, the delivery owner's cousins etc I don't know any of them!
She also talks a lot about television characters as I'd they are real, especially if it's a series she knows I watch.
She never asks me about my friends or neighbours, she barely even asks about my children, her grandchildren.
I don't understand it either 😂

What good do you think your concern does, @Firefly1987? If you’re concerned about suicides or homelessness, do something — see if you can train as a Samaritans listener, or volunteer for a local soup run. You being devastated because someone you’ve never met broke their collarbone mountain biking is pointless for you and for theM.

In the OP’s case, her sister doesn’t appear to have much going on in her life for her conversation to consist of ‘X person you never met has shingles’ and ‘Y person you never met had their gall bladder removed’. My mother is like this. She’s not a grief vampire, just a not very happy or confident person who prefers to have around her those who are ill, unhappy, unlucky etc because they make her feel needed. They call her to tell her about their ailments or disasters, and because she has little else going on in her life, that’s what she tells me when I see her.

Oh no. I chatter away to my partner about what's going on in my friends' lives. However, I don't see friends very often and I certainly wouldn't expect him to ask after a friend he's never met about something relatively minor such as a broken arm. I would if it were something terrible, life or death.

I do ask about friends of friends I've never met if they have cancer, for example, because of course that's terrible to go through and I know my friends will be worrying about their friends.

My mum actually talks at length about the lives of people someone she doesn't know but talked to knows. It's so boring it's unbearable. However, she'd never expect us to remember or ask after the people people she doesn't know knows!

You're not supposed to feel any different than you do, but you are supposed to pretend to.

OP, is your sister single? I ask because I am and do talk a lot about my friends to my family, simply because they are very important to me and the people I spend most of my time with - social events, holidays, quick catch-ups during the week etc. My family will talk to me about their DH/DW/DC/MIL and I will listen, nod along and comment if appropriate. I would find it very rude if I was then shutdown when talking about my friends. I realise they are not 'equal' relationships, so to speak, but the friends are obviously important to your sister, so I think the least you can do if even feign interest I what she has to say.

My aunt is like this - constantly updating me on how her second cousin’s child’s husband is doing and so on. I have no clue who any of these people are. I just nod and smile/make appropriate sympathetic noises.

She sounds a real people-pleaser.

Just make the right noises and probably remind her to not stretch herself too thin for other people.

Does your sister have a job, children, hobbies or other interests? If she doesn't, maybe she talks about these friends just for something to talk about, as she has nothing to say about herself or her own life.

My mum is like this, but she's 87 and lives alone, so her only topic of conversation is often the drama going on in other people's lives. I just nod and try and change the subject.

I think for me it depends on the kinds of stories the person is sharing. If it's genuinely life-altering stuff - divorce, bereavement, serious health issues and also things like losing one's home or that kind of thing, then I'm not a 'don't know them so DGAF' kind of person. I can emphasise and sympathise with people in difficult situations etc even if I don't know them. A broken arm (if straightforward and full recovery expected) or a flat tyre or lost pipe or whatever then I pretty much DGAF beyond the nod and 'oh dear how dreadful'. So i think YANBU, but on big stuff then maybe YABU a bit. For example I ask my friend how her other friend is getting on... she was admitted to hospital with an eating disorder earlier this year, and I do ask about her even though I don't know her because she's important to my friend and I can provide space for my friend to talk about it if she wants to. But again, that's big life-altering stuff.

It’s nice to show an interest but it can be draining. My friend constantly talks about the people at their workplace and when it’s none stop it’s wearing thin. 10pm some nights I have to hear it and so I said to stop going on about work 😆

I also wonder if the people who do this are the same people who post those things on SM that go something like 'I bet people won't like or share this, most will scroll past, but every minute, x number of people are diagnosed with x illness. Share if you care' and that kind of thing.

I care about people I don't know. I know not everyone does though and don't judge them for it. Some people just have a higher level of empathy.

The thing is, your sister is telling you background stuff that is going on in her life, and it sounds as if you are visibly uninterested.

I think I am a bit like your sister in that if I mention to one friend that another friend they have met but don't know well has breast cancer, I expect some response. I have noticed some people just go "Oh" and basically have no interest, and I will admit to thinking "Is there something wrong with you?" especially if they have regaled me with details of their sister's house move nightmare. Now I may know the sister, but that does not mean I am very interested in her life. Likewise OP you seem to feel that since your sister knows your childhood friends she will be interested to hear about them, whereas she may feel zero interest but be prepared to chat about them because our lives are made up of the people we see, and she is interested in what you say. She may feel that you are not interested in what she says and just let the conversation die when it is not about you and your life (including friends).

Obviously it is dull if someone has nothing else to talk about, but I wonder if you are falling short of a civil interest?

I don’t think either of you are in the wrong, she’s just telling you what’s been going on in her life and you have no obligation to invest to the same level as her. In some ways it’s actually really healthy for her to be able to offload to you because you’re not as invested as she is. She clearly gets involved on a fairly deep emotional level.

if she gets upset at your lack of investment point out to her that she’s your concern and main focus. Her friends and their lives are only of actual interest at the point it impacts on her.

And you should probably find a way to gently tell her when you think she’s having the piss taken out of her.

My sister is like this. Long, complicated WhatsApp messages to our family chat about random people she knows from work or people who she has just met (not close friends) and how they are having an awful time, someone died, someone fell over and broke something, etc. none of us know these people and it’s exhausting. She lives for the drama and feeds on other people’s tragedy. It’s horrific.

I ignore these messages completely and don’t give any encouragement.

It has nothing to do with ‘empathy’. If you were unusually empathetic, you would be opening your house to Ukrainian refugees or organising for warm clothes for Gazan children being medically evacuated to your area (chosen at random as two things neighbours are doing for people they don’t know).

Being bored by the conversation of someone whose concerns seem to consist entirely of stories of minor woe involving the divorces, lost cats and fractures of people you have never met isn’t a sign of lack of empathy.

I do listen to my mother do this, because at 80 she’s not going to change, and she’s been doing it all her life, because she has no confidence and prefers to be around people who are unfortunate because they make her feel powerful and needed. It’s often a sign of lack or unhappiness in the person whose conversation consists entirely of X’s separation or Y’s tumour.