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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner didn't text?

90 replies

emiwrong · 13/12/2024 21:29

AIBU to be upset my partner didn't text to check up on our sick child?

We don't live together atm, but have a child under 1 together. This is because we split up but have been back together a few months and all going well we will move back in together but didn't want to rush this step.

A few days ago our child came down with sickness, they've just started nursery and picking up all the illnesses. I was home alone at my house dealing with all this, sick on dc, sick on me, sick in the bed.

Naturally very worried about them as still little and not had a sickness bug before.

Shortly after dc first came down with this, partner has text asking how little one is so I tell him what's going on.

I then don't hear from him for 25 hrs (I know this is very precise and yes I was counting!).

I didn't try and contact him in this time but I was quietly confused and upset why he didn't check on dc or check if there was anything he could do to help, if we needed anything?

He just responded after all that time saying "sorry for the slow reply, was out for an meal last night and slept in the morning. Is DC any better? How are you? Xx".

When I asked him why he hasn't check in on his ill child for 25 hrs he's called me a psychopath basically, that I'm showing myself for who I truly am, it's become "clear", the "counting the hours" says it all about me, I'm manipulative, controlling.

Was IBU to find it bad he just didn't text?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 13/12/2024 21:30

YABU

Edingril · 13/12/2024 21:32

The fact there was no text is the biggest issue in all this? Seriously the world had gone mad

UghFletcher · 13/12/2024 21:33

YABVU, why are you counting the hours?

Lovemusic82 · 13/12/2024 21:33

You split up for a reason…..why are you back together?

Original poster
emiwrong · 13/12/2024 21:33

Edingril · 13/12/2024 21:32

The fact there was no text is the biggest issue in all this? Seriously the world had gone mad

No text. But really no offer of help, no being an actual parent or seeing if there is anything he could do when our child was sick.

OP posts:
Mrsphilmiller · 13/12/2024 21:35

It’s not about “counting the hours” because if you messaged him at 4pm and then you didn’t get a reply until 5pm the next day… then automatically you’re gonna be counting the hours. So in my eyes, that’s not controlling, it’s simply stating a fact! That he’s a shit person!

Isittimeformynapyet · 13/12/2024 21:36

You sound a bit neurotic about your child's bug, but I'd probably be a bit disappointed too, tbh.

Original poster
emiwrong · 13/12/2024 21:36

UghFletcher · 13/12/2024 21:33

YABVU, why are you counting the hours?

I mean I wasn't counting to start with. But it just ended up that I knew he last text at 1pm Sunday, then didn't hear from him until 2pm Monday let's say.

As a mum if I was told my child was ill and I wasn't with them I can't see me not wanting to know how they are or checking in or seeing if there is anything I can do.

OP posts:
wingingit1987 · 13/12/2024 21:37

I don’t think YABU at all. If one of our kids are sick my husband will text and check in on them from work- even though we don’t live apart or anything. Purely because he has an interest in his children.

Thedishwasherbroke · 13/12/2024 21:37

So your partner and father of your child, on hearing your joint child had a sick bug, thought he’d reply a day later telling you he’d been out for dinner and had a lie in? Very tactful and supportive.

Original poster
emiwrong · 13/12/2024 21:38

Isittimeformynapyet · 13/12/2024 21:36

You sound a bit neurotic about your child's bug, but I'd probably be a bit disappointed too, tbh.

I'm not neurotic, but child is under 1 so obviously unable to have any control over their sickness and there was just sick all over the place Grin they were also running a high temp.

OP posts:
Original poster
emiwrong · 13/12/2024 21:38

Thedishwasherbroke · 13/12/2024 21:37

So your partner and father of your child, on hearing your joint child had a sick bug, thought he’d reply a day later telling you he’d been out for dinner and had a lie in? Very tactful and supportive.

It wasn't even the same day, it was the next day.

OP posts:
Livinginaclock · 13/12/2024 21:38

Why on earth are you with this man?

Cm19841 · 13/12/2024 21:39

When you split up and he moved out, wasn't that all very difficult, stressful, and quite scary being left with a young DC? Well you got through it.

I don't think you should be so quick to get back together because he still doesn't seem serious about being a father and partner. Why keep going in circles and risk all this upset again?

Original poster
emiwrong · 13/12/2024 21:40

Livinginaclock · 13/12/2024 21:38

Why on earth are you with this man?

I don't know, he always seems to turn things back on me like I'm the problem, that's why I'm asking her if it is me?

FWIW I'm not one of these overbearing people who don't like the partner going out of anything like that.

OP posts:
loropianalover · 13/12/2024 21:42

So many questions. The whole set up seems like it’s not working. Does the child live with you full time, so you are the full time parent and he drops in when it suits him, and when he wants sex from you? Why did you split? Why did you get back together? What does he bring to your life?

Why didn’t you text him during the day to say child is feeling better/worse, did you want to see how long he would go without contact so that you could use that to start an argument?

I’m not saying what he did was right (I actually think he sounds pathetic), but why are you in this dynamic? Why aren’t you communicating better as partners? I’d be looking to pick this apart as much as possible and seeing if it’s feasible to continue being a couple.

Dishwashersaurous · 13/12/2024 21:45

You have a child under one, and yet you've split up been apart and are now back together for a few months.

So you must have split when baby was barely days old.

That is not the action of a man who wants to parent and who cares about the mother of his child.

And seemingly he is doing no actual parenting.

Just focus on your child and forget about having a relationship with him until he actually starts parenting.

Original poster
emiwrong · 13/12/2024 21:46

Yes our child lives with me full time, he drops in and out when suits. He travels a lot for work so I guess I let him get away with this.

I didn't text because well I'd sent a text to him asking how dc is and telling him. He didn't respond, I didn't actually know he was even going out that evening. But as time went on I did think he must have gone out and didn't want to text and be accused of being an arsehole.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 13/12/2024 21:46

And another one who just doesn't understand the relationship dynamic. Surely you would just phone in the morning. Child is still really ill. Come over with calpol and help etc

Dishwashersaurous · 13/12/2024 21:47

Is there a fixed contact schedule for him to parent and does he pay child maintenance?

Focus on him being a parent and doing the bare minimum for his child.

Original poster
emiwrong · 13/12/2024 21:48

Dishwashersaurous · 13/12/2024 21:46

And another one who just doesn't understand the relationship dynamic. Surely you would just phone in the morning. Child is still really ill. Come over with calpol and help etc

I guess tbh by the morning I was already angry so wasn't going to phone him, after being ignored since 1pm the day prior. No response to be telling him dc was ill. It's not like they're ill regularly either.
I think I'd realised in my head he must have gone out and yes I was angry and just left him. Maybe I did want to start an argument cause I know he's a crap useless parent

OP posts:
Original poster
emiwrong · 13/12/2024 21:49

Dishwashersaurous · 13/12/2024 21:47

Is there a fixed contact schedule for him to parent and does he pay child maintenance?

Focus on him being a parent and doing the bare minimum for his child.

No schedule as we are in a relationship, and no he doesn't pay maintenance as such but does help with things our child needs, and has been paying his share of nursery fees since I went back to work.

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 13/12/2024 21:50

I don't know any young men that would behave like this. He is a really rubbish man and father.

livingafulllife · 13/12/2024 21:50

I understand why you split up.
You sound hard work.
Counting hours imagine what it was like living with you jeez.
Your child has a bug like hundreds if other kids do but mothers dont do a count down.

StarrySquawk · 13/12/2024 21:51

If a man is such a joke of a man and father why would you expect any more from him?

I swear there are dozens of threads from people saying men are shitty partners and fathers when they'd already proved them to be so in the relationship before having a child.