Partner didn't text?

[emiwrong]

AIBU to be upset my partner didn't text to check up on our sick child?

We don't live together atm, but have a child under 1 together. This is because we split up but have been back together a few months and all going well we will move back in together but didn't want to rush this step.

A few days ago our child came down with sickness, they've just started nursery and picking up all the illnesses. I was home alone at my house dealing with all this, sick on dc, sick on me, sick in the bed.

Naturally very worried about them as still little and not had a sickness bug before.

Shortly after dc first came down with this, partner has text asking how little one is so I tell him what's going on.

I then don't hear from him for 25 hrs (I know this is very precise and yes I was counting!).

I didn't try and contact him in this time but I was quietly confused and upset why he didn't check on dc or check if there was anything he could do to help, if we needed anything?

He just responded after all that time saying "sorry for the slow reply, was out for an meal last night and slept in the morning. Is DC any better? How are you? Xx".

When I asked him why he hasn't check in on his ill child for 25 hrs he's called me a psychopath basically, that I'm showing myself for who I truly am, it's become "clear", the "counting the hours" says it all about me, I'm manipulative, controlling.

Was IBU to find it bad he just didn't text?

He sounds pretty checked out and you sound understandably disappointed and annoyed. Just calmly state why this is: my expectation is that you pull a bigger shift with our kid when he/she is sick just like i have to and leaving us for more than a day with no contact is not acceptable for me and doesn't make me feel safe or loved or like we are in a partnership. It's not about counting the hours etc and you being so defensive just tells me you do feel guilty but again can't handle your emotions.

But can you be bothered training him to show basic interest in you and his kid? Or how to be a basically nice person? I'd maybe cut my losses and run for the hills then get a proper shared parenting plan in place so you will at least get some time off and it's not on his wims. Sorry you are going through this. The first sicknesses are brutal and having to do it alone is perhaps telling of how it's going to be and maybe you already know that deep down xx

Because he often lies or tells half truths, or lies by omission about his plans, I believe (well am beginning to see)- to get out of parenting maybe?

Like he will say "sorry I can't be around on x date, I've got to go and see my dad for such and such (insert important thing)".

But he will let slip later on that that date was actually a night out or a meal out with friends. Or he saw his Dad first and then went out with mates and conveniently forgot.

I think he lies or tells a half truth because he probably knows deep down that he is putting his social life above child. I've asked him to help by watching our child so I could have a couple of hours to myself but he never can, so I never get a break.

Like I said I don't say anything I don't moan at him about going out but I have said to him in the past well if we are trying to make the relationship work then it needs to feel like you are actually being a parent and being a partner and being present, but I do everything.

On the day in question he said he had a long drive due to work, never mentioned plans to go out. Said it was last minute when I asked after.

WTF?

Op. Please, please use this as a wake up.call.

He is not parenting. He is using the excuse that you are in a relationship to avoid doing any parenting or paying properly.

But he isn't parenting.

You need to agree a regular contact schedule. Sunday afternoon for example He takes child out for a few hours. So you get a break and he has to actually parent.

Then be crystal clear that you will not even contemplate starting up your relationship again until he is parenting

Any man who calls you a controlling psychopath, or implies it is manipulative to express disappointment is waving huge red flags, OP. At the very least, he is unable to be in a reciprocal relationship, because he is unable to tolerate anything he perceives as negative in you. You won't be allowed to feel sad, upset, disappointed, frustrated etc around the relationship amd if you do he will become angry and abusive (it is abusive to name call. You may additionally find he has low tolerance for any of those feelings in you about anything. His idea of what a relationship is one way adoration where you make zero demands on him emotionally. From thw sounds of what you have posted you will also be required to make zero practical demands on him too. That's the very best of what you can expect from him. He's got potential to be a lot worse, depending on how extremely he will police your behaviour to ensure you make no demands.

YANBU.
I have two children and I've come tk the conclusion that the illnesses are absolutely the hardest part of parenting, especially when on your own. Some deal with it better than others, I really struggle!
I'm a single mum so I don't expect any help, but you've reconciled with your ex so he should be there helping. How could he just go out for tea and not even communicate with you?
To me that just shows where his priorities are.

I hope you and your LO are ok.

Have you read the OP's posts?

She text her partner at 1pm to say their baby was ill. Had no response for a day.

That is not normal in a healthy relationship.

He's not your partner, is he?

Given your latest update it sounds like your "partner" is behaving like a single man

You think you are in a relationship with him but he just sees you whenever he feels like it. He sounds irresponsible and immature.

Those saying why didn't I just ring him or text again. This is why I'm asking here.

I know deep down the relationship dynamic is off- but I think he's conditioned me to it (both previously and since we got back together).

I just wanted to know if this is normal and if I'm actually the one with the issue like he says?

I'm afraid of asking for "too much" as I will get accused of being needy.

The conversation after him texting the next day saying sorry he was out went-

Him- "Blah blah blah sorry babe been out how is dc now"

Me- no response for a while, was genuinely busy looking after dc or asleep with them after a rough night

Hr or so later

Him- "why are you ignoring me?"

Me- "I'm not ignoring you, I've been busy with dc they're still ill."

Him- "clearly something is up with you. Can't I even go out for a meal without you getting in a mood"

Me- "I'm not in a mood, but it's a bit odd to expect an immediate response to your message when you've not responded to my last message about dc being ill for 25 hrs"

Him- "25 hrs??? Wtf is wrong with you, you psycopath, manipulative, blah blah blah"

Me- "do you not think it's a bit bad not to check on your child for over a day when they are ill, ask if any help is needed? You don't just check out of being a parent for over a day"

Him- "you're f*cking crazy, I was at a meal babe I'm not looking at my phone! Can't I even enjoy a meal in peace? You're just showing what you really are, you're controlling! You don't want me to do anything"

Me- "I've got no issue with you going out, I never have. But I am doing all the parenting of our child without much support or input from you. A decent parent wouldn't forgot about their child for over a day especially when they are ill."

Him- "you're mental, absolutely mental. Just tell me how dc is now like I asked? I was at a meal this is unbelievable you've acted like this, you ruin everything. Every time things are going well between us you do something and you ruin it. We aren't moving back in together properly until you stop this shit"

That's the gist of it!

He is gaslighting you and calling all the shots.

Wow. That exchange.

He is not a parent.

You are not in a relationship.

He is articulating loud and clear that he doesn't care about you or his child

HIS BEHAVIOUR IS WRONG AND NOT NORMAL

Wow! If my so called partner spoke to me like that while they've been out socialising and sleeping in when they knew the baby was ill and I was coping on your own with no support from him, I'd tell him to fuck off!!!
This is purely on him and his selfishness and his default option to opt out of parenting when it suits him.
I 100% would not be moving back in with him. In fact, I'd be dumping his sorry arse!

Those text messages are repulsive!
A clear example of gas lighting in its finest!

OP you and your child deserve so much more than this crap!!!! Please do not settle for thsi!!!!

Yea, I guess he doesn't actually love us or he would want to be there.

She said “a day later”. That means the next day

Yea @Lurkingandlearning I was very tired and read it wrong

@emiwrong

Hope that you, and your child are OK today.

Please don't dwell on this instance but think about what you are going to do going forward.

Put in place a proper contact arrangement and apply for child maintenance

Personally I think your bar is way too low and this man will always let you down. Why would you want to be with someone who calls you those names. Raise the bar, get rid of him and move on.

OP, his text messages are shocking. It is psychologically abusive the way he speak to you. He denies that he has done anything wrong, attacks you and turns himself into a victim. Does not take any responsibility. Please look up DARVO.

He’s a selfish immature prick.

Please don’t get back with him, he will destroy your self esteem.

Tell him it’s over, and contact CMS re proper maintenance. He can have contact with baby (if he’s bothered) but not in your home.

God this pathetic excuse for a partner and father has really got a good thing going on here.

I assume he comes over as and when he pleases, pays you the bare minimum and probably gets fed (and has sex) on tap? He doesn't have to actually do anything? He doesn't do chores or take the child out ?

You need to officially split up and get him to pay his way and pull his weight.

To be fair he does cook, and he pays half of our dc nursery and other things they need so contributes in that way.

But I think his idea of a good relationship is me just being here and never having any needs, never asking anything of him.

He’s awful.

He doesn’t care about either of you.

I’d expect him to check in out of concern as to how ill child is and not be an after thought 25 hrs later.

Sounds like he got defensive as people are want to when a mirror is held up to them.

Oh god 100% this!!