For not wanting to share my lottery winnings with my sister after she let me move in with her?

[SarahJP95]

A bit of backstory, I (29f) have been very close to my sister (41f) since our mother passed about 10 years ago. We have always lived quite close to each other but a couple of years ago I moved away to live with my now ex partner, everything was great for about a year until he started to become more and more abusive towards me, I stuck it out though until it started becoming physical in our last year together.

I visited my sister and broke down and told her everything, to this day she's still the only person who knows the full extent of how bad it had been for me. I begged her to let me move in with her and she said I couldn't live in the house since her and her husband were expecting their third child so needed the spare room but I could park my van in their garage and stay in it for as long as I needed.

I was so relieved and started making plans immediately to break up with my partner and get away from him as soon as possible. I pretended I was refurbishing my work van so we could travel in it and he luckily didn't question it, I spent all of my savings converting it so it had a sleeping area, a toilet and a tiny kitchen.

I was about a week away from leaving when I received a phone call from my sister, we hadn't discussed rent yet but I had stupidly assumed from our conversations that I would just be able to pay for the cost of the electricity I would be using and then of course when I was back on my feet and had found a new job I could start paying them a bit more.

She said she had discussed it with her husband and they had come up with a list of rules I had to agree to before I could move in, this included childsitting and petsitting as and when needed (unpaid), helping in the garden and around the house and driving my sister to hospital appointments when her husband couldn't, I would have to provide everything for myself but I could use their shower if I needed to. I agreed to all of it but then she said the rent would be £375 a month as well. I was shocked, I really wasn't expecting it to be so high especially when I had agreed to everything else.

I begged her to give me a bit of leeway for the first couple of months since there was nowhere else I could go, she said it was non negotiable and it was still cheaper than renting a room somewhere else (about £450-£550 in our area), I was desperate and just wanted to be near family so I agreed. This did mean I had to wait an extra 3 months to leave my ex so I could save up enough money and it was honestly the worst 3 months of my life.

I lived with them for about 2 years in the end, I loved being able to see my nieces and nephews everyday but the van was cold and damp and I eventually developed pneumonia so moved out as soon as I had enough money saved for a deposit to rent a flat nearby. I still see my sister but honestly I have become quite resentful towards her which I know is petty since she did let me move in when she could have just said no, but I'm finding it hard to get past what happened.

Fast forward 6 months and I unexpectedly won a bit of money in the lottery, I play a couple times a months but never won anything until now, it wasn't a huge amount but I was so thrilled because it meant along with my savings I had enough to put down a deposit on a one bed flat I had fallen in love with, with a bit left over to fix it up and finally have a proper place of my own.

I hadn't heard from my sister for a couple of weeks but when I told her that I had won some money she started crying and said she wanted to meet up with me. I agreed of course, turns out she's been wanting to leave her husband for a long time but could never afford to move out with 3 kids, I was shocked because they always seemed really close but she has apparently been unhappy for a while. He's not abusive towards her thank god but she has described him as 'boring' in the past and says he never wants to do anything or go anywhere with her.

She's asked if I can give her half of my winnings so she can find a house to rent and pay the deposit on it with enough for the first 6 months or so of rent until she finds a new job, I said I couldn't do that as there wouldn't be enough for the flat I wanted and I have already began talking to a solicitor. I said I could give her the money I was going to use to refurbish the flat but that's it.

This escalated into a huge argument where she called me ungrateful, said she had supported me when I wanted to leave my partner, said I didn't love her or her kids and that if I didn't help her then she never wanted to see me again.

I am honestly so upset about the whole ordeal, the thought of never seeing my nieces and nephews again breaks my heart and I wish there was a way I could help my sister without losing out on buying a home for myself.

Our father and cousins have all contacted me saying I'm being selfish and I need to help my sister out after she helped me, I just don't know what the right thing to do would be. AIBU?

@SarahJP95 Your sister is more manipulative and sounds even worse after reading your update!

She didn't believe you were being abused, so you breaking down and begging for her help didn't open her eyes to that fact! Fucking hell OP she has played you like a deck of cards got you feeling sorry for her after after she made £9000 out you for letting you sleep in a damp garage that resulted in you getting pneumonia, used you as a skivvy and then threw it in your face because she wanted a half of your money!

By the way will your sister and her husband be giving you money for your nephew's keep? Or is she pleading poverty? You're a mug and a doormat if you allow this OP after your sisters appalling behaviour she hasn't given one sefless thought about you OP all that bollocks she told you was all about her and what she can gain from you.

This. Your sister is awful. Her actions meant you felt forced to stay in an abusive relationship for another 3 months. She financially abused you when you had escaped an abusive relationship. She took complete advantage of you in your vulnerable position by demanding you become the unpaid help in her house. And now she wants money from you? And for you to move her teenager into your new home? Fuck that. Do not let her teen move in with you. I would have nothing further to do with her any longer.

You could let her move in and charge her €800 a month and make her do all your chores. Your sister is a piece of work. I hope your nephew is a good kid. He might be happier with you @SarahJP95 I suspect her marriage problems are of her own making, judging from the lack of transparency between her and her DH and the fact that she screwed you over so badly. I can’t believe she claimed not believing you about your ex was a valid excuse for this!

I agree with this 100%. She didn't help you, she charged you a lot for a damp garage, a shower and then used you as free labour.

agree, this is horrific behaviour on her part. You're a far better person than I @SarahJP95 taking in your nephew. Definitely get her to set up a direct debit payment to cover his living expenses whilst with you.

Also, does she have a gambling problem or a spending problem? Trying to understand her need to fuck you over like this.

Just read your update. Your sister is horrendous. Never trust her! And never give her money unless it's a formal loan with a decent interest rate and there is some collateral she puts up in case she defaults. So selfish, it's unbelievable. And obviously never tell anyone in the future if you have money in savings and are doing ok. Don't forget to charge your sister for food, electricity and other expenses for you nephew. Wishing you well. xx

Definitely never give her a loan, even a formal one, I wouldn't ever be able to trust her. She and her dh will have to divide their assets as in all divorces

Look after yourself OP, yes she did help you out but it sounds like she also profited from your miserable situation both financially and in unpaid labour. It’s a shame but has she forgotten the details of your agreement? She did not give you something for nothing (not that she was obliged to, but your situation sounded pretty poor). Why doesn’t she ask her husband to leave since it sounds like she would be having to accommodate three kids alongside herself?

Hi @SarahJP95 . Please don’t let the revelations change your mind, if nothing they mean your sister has taken advantage of you even more. Please, please stick to your plan and get yourself a safe home.

No she didn't help you or give you a handout so she shouldn't expect that back

Funny when the tables turn

A one bed flat is not suitable for you to share with your nephew. Sorry, but it’s not appropriate in any way and likely to end in tears @SarahJP95

I agree with pp that your sister is manipulative and dishonest. she seems to have taken elements of your story and applied them to herself in order to gain your sympathy and divert your anger. I wonder if you ended up apologising to her?

Along with your history of being in an abusive relationship, I do wonder if your family history also has elements of abuse or neglect. I really hope you manage to disentangle yourself from this net your sister is weaving around you. Please don’t take your nephew in and don’t let your sister move in either.

Sweetheart, your update makes your sister sound even worse (and I already thought she was awful with your first post)!
I absolutely agree with all the other posters calling your sister's behaviour very manipulative. Her manipulation of you is really evident in your posts and it is really, really wrong. She's clearly very good at it. I'm guessing your upbringing has been very far from mentally and emotionally healthy and that your sister has had a lifetime of practice at manipulating you, and no one sticking up for you.
I strongly advise you seek some therapy to unpack all the toxic behaviours you've learned from your family are normal so you can start to put healthy boundaries in place for yourself going forward. You are clearly a lovely person. That shines through your posts. You deserve to be treated with kindness, love and respect. Best of luck, my dear.

You sister is awful, I'm so sorry. She's effectively conned you out of almost £5,000 – and behind her partner's back. She's now dumping her own child, conveniently forgetting that she has a partner who can look after his own child.

Let her know you've given her enough money – money she could have saved if she wanted to escape an unhappy marriage but failed to do so – and you can't possibly get involved where her children are concerned as the eldest's child's father can give him a home. He should have a say in this but that's between them, she's just trying to drag you into it.

You need the peace and safety she denied you for so long, not even offering you a place on the sofa but a damp garage where you got ill – and you overpaid her for the privilege, plus acted like an unpaid servant. You've more than helped her, let her father and cousins now do something. Except they won't and didn't help you when you needed it.

Good luck and enjoy your own home in peace and without the drama of your lying, deceitful, betraying sister

Really glad you spoke to her and put a few cards on the table, OP. I hope you feel much better for it.

It's really disappointing to hear what she did with the rent money. It does seem like DSis has more than a bit of a selfish streak to her. I'd be keeping that in mind going forward, if I were you.

I'm glad you have decided to not give her the money and I hope it works out well having Dnephew with you for a while.

Well done, OP. You did well, there.x.

You need to put yourself as number 1 priority. Keep ALL the money and provide financial security for yourself. Because it's clear from what you said happened in the past no one has your back properly (certainly not your sister). I am shocked at your sister's behaviour in the past when you were vulnerable and needed help.

What she gave you was NOT help. Instead of rescuing you from an abusive situation, she took advantage of you. For context, if you were my sister, even if I didn't have spare room, I would have got you out of there immediately - not make you wait for months more to save up more money to give me. You would have at the very least been given the dining room to call your own, or if we didn't have that then the sofa, no expectation of rent or bills, lots of emotional support and practical help to enable you to save up and get yourself on your feet as soon as possible. Not bleed you dry and trap you in a freezing cold garage which made you ill. I'm actually really, really cross on your behalf. I wouldn't do that to a friend let alone a sister.

Please take this piece of good fortune to protect yourself and future. All the best.

Good grief OP your Sister sounds awful.

She took £9000 off you over 2 years, £5400 of that was pocket money for her. At what point will you recognise how grabby she is?

I'm worried that you said, "while I can't help her financially at the moment I will help out in any way I can..." It's sounds like you have given her the impression you will be able to help her financially in the future. She will take advantage of you again if you give her the chance.

I would not agree to housing your nephew but if you do go ahead with the plan you need to agree a time limit on how long he stays with you and the criteria for returning him to his parents if there are any problems. I would also ask for money for food and bills. I suspect he will basically end up living with you whether you like it or not. Amazing how she's gone from claiming she will deny you contact with her children if you don't give her money to essentially palming one of them off on you.

I don't mean to seem rude but please stop being such a doormat for someone who is only too happy to exploit your kind nature.

This is spot on. Also having a moody teenager share your flat could cause problems with your new neighbours if he behaves badly. It is really inappropriate that you are considering sharing a one bedroom flat with a teenage boy.

I agree with others that you still need to set better boundaries with your sister. Did your big discussion include any apology from her for blackmailing you with the threat that you wouldn't see your nephews?
How do you plan to accommodate a 15 year old boy in a one-bedroom flat? You both will need space and privacy. I know you want to help your sister and her family but you're giving too much.

What a cheek your sister has! I would never ask someone for half of their winnings. Your sister sounds like a b.itch sorry but she set out all those silly ground rules, still charged you and expected you to be some sort of nanny. On her bike I would be telling her. Don't let her guilt trip you. Use the money for your new place to refurb it

Her marriage is in a worse state than I originally thought. I feel awful about this one and wish she had told me sooner, her and her husband have apparently been on the rocks for the last 5 years or so and thought having another baby would help but it's just made them much worse off financially.

OP.. Read your last para again.

According to your sister. Her marriage is in a worse state than you originally thought. for five years... without much of a hint?
Yet you have been practically living with them for two years - quite easy to observe what was going on from that perspective... over the course of two years. So I don't think it was in such bad shape. She expects you to percieve more about the state of her marriage without her actually mentioning anything. Yet even when you beg her for help to escape an abusive marriage - she decides that you must be lying and she believes your abuser instead.

And the main problem in the marriage seems to be.... surprise... financial.... by an extraordinary coincidence of convenient timing, you are the ONLY way they can solve this problem. The ONLY way, who cares if it means giving up your previously unattainable dream of owning your own 1 bed flat? not your sister, that's for sure.

This is the sister who has just admitted to ripping you off financially for two years, in conditions that got you hospitalised, and extracting enormous amounts of unpaid help from you.

Yet YOU feel awful about this. Why? You've already been subsidising them for two years with free labour and exhtorionate rent for a damp garage,.

Can't you see whats wrong with this sob story. And also, wouldn't your life have been MUCH better if your sister felt as "awful" about your situation, as you do about hers?

Added to which, she's now palmed her son off on you because he's troublesome. She's totally played on your feelings for your nephew. Without a doubt you will be footing all his bills and running around after him. To be brutally frank, its another unpaid job she's signed you up for. A job she should be doing herself. Why did you agree to this? She's an uncaring liar and you can't keep being sympathetic when you don't know what's true. Keep in touch with your nephew, help him out, but don't let him move into your ONE BEDROOM FLAT.
Its not your job to subsidise her life - she has her own house and husband.
Its not your job to have her children to live with you.
It's not your job to put your own life on hold, just when you have a chance of stability after years of suffering, in order to make her already much easier life than yours - another bit easier.

You can be a sister, and an aunt, without sacrificing your own happiness. Meet them for coffee or a walk in the park. Spend time with your DN, but don't have him live with you and live off you.
Your sister is manipulating and using you. Don't let her.

Where was this blood that was thicker than water when you were desperate? In the shed? No… Why is her desperation more important and immediate than yours? (Especially now she’s heard you have some cash….)
Nope… She can fuck right off to Buffalo. I’d help DBIL before I’d help her. She’s a selfish piece of work.

Well done OP for having it out with your sister.
She has treated you so badly.
She made to pay all that money to sleep in a damp caravan and she took the extra for herself!
I really don't think it's a good idea at all to have your nephew in your 1 bed flat.
If he genuinely needs your support then:

• only agree to take him in with a clear deadline, (e.g you can stay for 2 weeks, no more)
• only agree to take him in if you get a contribution from his parents for food and bills. Teenagers eat a lot and their devices consume electricity!

No deadline and no financial contribution = no nephew lodger. Full stop. Be prepared for her to say she can't afford to give you a contribution towards his meals. But that is a lie, because she can afford it now. If she can't afford to contribute for his food, what she is saying is she can't be arsed to prioritise feeding her son. Think about that... Imagine anyone actually saying that...! You deserve more and better for your life OP. You've worked so hard to get your flat. Well done. Don't risk it now! Sometimes sadly our lives are better without certain people in them, even if we are related to them.

Well done for talking to her.

However, you do still have to work on your boundaries - she is abusing you. Her sob stories are just ways of manipulating you. I understand that you love her children dearly, but you do need to take care of yourself first and foremost.

Do not get trapped into living with (and possibly supporting) her teen for longer than you are comfortable doing.

She doesn’t love you as much as you love her. She could have let you park your van in her garage for cost but she didn’t she wanted to skim a profit from you DO NOT hand over your winnings to her. When people show you who they are believe them.