House mice and DH

[HugeDeal]

Subject should read “House move and DH !”

We moved to a new house a few weeks ago. Have 3 DCs, all school age, and work full time including shifts and nights. Life is and has been crazy at the best of times. On top of that I am terrible at throwing things away that could still be useful to someone else perhaps. I have not been decluttering the previous home as childcare and life was always getting the better of me and I couldn’t find the energy to do it. Husband believes we could have done this move easier if we had thrown 90% of our things away. The problem is I like to know what gets thrown away, not do it blindly, so I have to go through years of accumulated clutter in a very short period of time. This creates friction and daily arguments with DH who Everything is still in boxes. I feel swamped by all the things that need sorting out in new house and trying each day to find by feet. I should really be taking at least 3 months off work but work won’t allow me. I am having thoughts that if DH bugs me to throw things away one more time, I might just explode and ask for divorce!

Any advice on tidying or tolerating a grumpy DH would be much appreciated.

Op whether you’re a hoarder or not, I get both of your povs- I like to keep eg art I loved that my kids did, some of their school books etc, the thing is there’s definitely a balance. Saying that men go for a blanket full on dump, they don’t do the sentimental stuff and just black bin bag everything. Best of luck with it!

@longapple
this is what people are pointing out
12 years … not op’s husband taking coffee cup off her she’s still drinking from ti ash … which would be a problem
maybe you’re projecting- we all project in a degree.
people are trying to help you seem defensive- do you hoard?

Thank you @Arayofcalm
that explains it better …

Honestly, please get rid of some of the stuff , I have just been binning some stuff from my mums house , that has been through several moves . It has been a horrible experience

I feel extremely sorry for your husband.

as for blaming your children for your hoarding, you are in fact teaching them to hoard and that it’s impossible to deal with clutter.

what a legacy you’ve created!

stop making excuses and face your hoarding issues head on. If you ask your husband to help you over come this, you might find a way forward, but you need to change your own mindset and stop blaming other people.

a clean and tidy house is a joy, and very calm and pleasant to be in. It doesn’t require money, just effort.

Yes @SnoopysHoose she did. That’s exactly what my late IL’s did years ago. They moved nearer to us and brought 50 years worth of crap with them. It took my DH and I 6 months to sort it when they died because guess what? My husband had to look at every damn thing to ensure it was disposed of correctly. It utterly traumatised me. We are now downsizing and my husband is in denial about his crap that needs to go. I also agree with @NeverDropYourMooncup and @NewGreenDuck my DH always has an excuse.

This situation brings out very strong feelings from those who struggle to part with things and those who have lived with or known such people.

Surely that should not stop us being kind and considerate in the way we express ourselves.

@HugeDeal, your children are about the same age my brother, sister and l were when we moved house the week before Christmas and my super-organised mum had everything ready for Christmas for twelve people. I could never have been as organised as that; in addition my mum was about twenty years younger than I was when we made our big move last year. I think what I am trying to say is that your children are plenty old enough to be sorting through their own things if you let them have some autonomy and don’t retrieve items that are set aside for donations and to be thrown out. Those refugees you mention will have far more use for the clothes, toys and books that are in good condition and too young/small for them if they are donated rather than taking up unnecessary space in your home. Women’s refuges are always in need of these items, too. Charity shops are the other choice. Let your husband decide what he wants to get rid of, too. Three months’ unpaid leave was always going to be a non-starter. In any case, you probably have excellent intentions to sort everything out, but in reality you would probably not have thrown anything much away at all. Hoarders, and I am sorry to say that with every post you sound more and more likely to be a hoarder, are full of good intentions, but find it very difficult to follow them through. Hoarders are full of excuses - “it will be useful one day, I’m prepping, it was a bargain, it will be perfect for so and so, I remember when X happened that they were wearing Y and looking at Z, I spent good money on that so I can’t throw it out because it would be such a waste. This is the reason I have to go through everything myself in case someone throws out something by mistake.” You have made several of these statements yourself in your posts. You and your family deserve so much more than this. The house mice of the title may be a mistake, but unless you sort through your items, you will soon be living with them and, possibly, worse because it is impossible to have a truly clean home with every surface cluttered. Please, please let your family help you because it will be better for all of you.
@longapple, I am certainly not setting myself up to be superior in any way and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. However, facts have to be faced and a hoarded home is a very unhealthy environment for everyone who has to live in it. I, too, am beginning to think that you are a hoarder yourself, because you are very defensive about hoarding behaviours. Yes, I organised my home as quickly as possible when I moved because I like a clean, tidy home, but I like to think that people feel comfortable and relaxed in my home. I certainly don’t whisk cups out of the way as soon as someone has finished their drink, or plump up cushions as soon as anyone stands up. There is a big difference between a clean, tidy, lived-in home and a show house. I would imagine that most people posting here have welcoming homes like mine, which is why we are trying to help @HugeDeal.

The people who were abused in childhood through (amongst other things, most of which can often still be tracked straight back to The Stuff) hoarding have to be kind to others who are doing the same to their children?

I don't think many people who have experienced being the victims of hoarders recognise people who should have everybody tiptoeing around them ((like you do through the tiny goat paths through stuff) and need to be remonstrated for being blunt. They see the raging demons who would physically attack you whether you're a fully grown adult who tried to put some crap in a bin or a terrified 8 year old who accidentally knocked a pile of shite over. And then go crying as helpless, defenceless little innocents to somebody else for a 'never mind, dear, they were mean to you - Victim, why can't you just BE KIND to your mother and help her occasionally?'

They're abusers. End of.

I've just had this with dh on a much smaller scale. We moved from a 3 bed semi to a 1 and a bit bed park home. I was doing house and dh was doing his workshop and two sheds, big buildings and things didn't seem to be going down and I kept telling him that it wouldn't all fit but he was adamant it would until we got the keys and all of a sudden it was "oh shit you were right" well after 46 years you'd think he'd know I am right mostly.
We filled two small skips with stuff that we brought with us that wouldn't fit which could have been avoided if he'd just listened.
Where we used to live had really good recycling facilities where we are now doesn't and I didn't have storage or time to find somewhere.
Anyway rant over. I'm with your dh I'm afraid.

No, I'm not, apart from my garden shed, I'm a terror for keeping past their best plant pots and tools. My house is chaotic but things leave as fast as they arrive, it's too small for build up to be possible and I have relatives with younger children so passing on kids stuff is easy as it feels more like gifts than getting rid of things and mine still get to play with it when we visit.
I have people I'm close to who are though and I treat them with kindness and support. The ex I mentioned before and I parted on good terms and are still friends. I still help him with finding places that will want his discards.

The way I've been treated just now "I suspect you're one of them" illustrates my point though. Imagine talking to someone who was asking for help losing weight like this, "you're fat, I lived with a fatty and it was awful, you're mentally ill. Your poor family" or "just lose weight or you'll die. I did it fine" and just telling them that other people aren't fat rather than giving support and small practical suggestions and stories of what worked for you.

@HugeDeal do you have a spare room? I find having somewhere where I can sort boxes and things won't move helps. Reward yourself for each box emptied and (critical point for me) as soon as something is picked to go make sure it leaves or goes into a taped box by the door or in the garage so it doesn't get reabsorbed.
Selling kids stuff on local Facebook groups, even for very low amounts and giving them the money towards something they want, or even offering to match what they make, motivates most kids to sort stuff to go.

I don't think your DH is being unreasonable. Accept that your approach to this task is not efficient and is annoying to him, acknowledge this and agree to some compromises. Sit down with him and work out a plan for household organisation that doesn't leave you in charge of everyone's mess, provides a nice environment and good role modeling for the dc, and most importantly stops the clutter building up.

Totally @NeverDropYourMooncup
You can't clean properly in a cluttered / hoarders house
One poor girl was sharing her bedroom with 8 different type of spiders - this did get sorted ( the mum got help). And the crawlies evicted.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. I have taken everyone’s views on board. I am on a mission to get it sorted. It will get sorted if it’s the last thing I do. I just hope I can remain healthy till it’s done.

@HugeDeal good luck!

@HugeDeal you've got this! Keep us updated!

You might be interested in a decluttering piece in the Guardian today. Lots of ideas for where to get rid of things responsibly, and lots of charity shops crying out for donations before Christmas, particularly children’s toys. Everyone does their declutter as a new year spring clean but by then it’s too late for people hoping to buy affordable secondhand gifts.