House mice and DH

[HugeDeal]

Subject should read “House move and DH !”

We moved to a new house a few weeks ago. Have 3 DCs, all school age, and work full time including shifts and nights. Life is and has been crazy at the best of times. On top of that I am terrible at throwing things away that could still be useful to someone else perhaps. I have not been decluttering the previous home as childcare and life was always getting the better of me and I couldn’t find the energy to do it. Husband believes we could have done this move easier if we had thrown 90% of our things away. The problem is I like to know what gets thrown away, not do it blindly, so I have to go through years of accumulated clutter in a very short period of time. This creates friction and daily arguments with DH who Everything is still in boxes. I feel swamped by all the things that need sorting out in new house and trying each day to find by feet. I should really be taking at least 3 months off work but work won’t allow me. I am having thoughts that if DH bugs me to throw things away one more time, I might just explode and ask for divorce!

Any advice on tidying or tolerating a grumpy DH would be much appreciated.

Absolutely. And the idea that @HugeDeal has to check everything before it's thrown away and that's there's years of clutter.

Your dh doesn't have patience for it because he doesn't want to ponder over every cable or whatever it is you're authorising the binning of. For ot all to have to go through one person is the slowest way of doing it and relies on that person having the will to do it.

He could do more with the kids to free your time up?

Kindly, I don't think your dh is entirely in the wrong here.

I find it's easier if you have somewhere to put the stuff you don't want anymore rather than just creating more piles. Get some big boxes label them 'chuck' 'charity' 'keep' and work through it. Once a box is full shove it in the car and take it where it needs to go. I think the thought of having 'stuff' everywhere is half the problem.

To add I am also a hoarder of memories (until recently) I have literally all of my DD's baby clothes in the loft and probably every picture they've ever drawn.

How to say you know nothing about 'hoarding ' without saying you know nothing about hoarding

@HugeDeal

listen to as much as you can by Dana K White, she is brilliant. If you follow her method, you NEVER make things worse and you NEVER just move stuff around. You can do 5 minutes and it's always BETTER.

she has loads free on YouTube, podcasts, Audible's etc etc she has books too (libraries stick them).

basically start by deciding the function of each room (not always as obvious as it seems.

Everything that's staying has to have 'a home'.

Have a rubbish bag (and recycling bag/box) and a donatable donate box (so not a container you want to keep)

start in an area that's visible (the area that people entering your house will see first is best) look for easy rubbish(we'll just call it rubbish- rubbish & recycling) things that are obvious & not things you have to think about.

next put away things that 'have a home in another room'. Presumably as you've not unpacked much there will be space in the correct place for everything (at this stage).

If you're interested look her up or I can blather on about her method for ages if you want a hand to hold.

DH just chucking stuff out is not helpful for any of you.

Yeah I was going to suggest keeping the mice & getting rid of the DH!

@SnoopySantaPaws thanks for offering such practical help I will definitely look her up and listen to her.

You absolutely are a hoarder and you are likely driving your husband mad. Get a skip and put everything you don’t use in it. Half packet of curtain hooks…bin them. Children’s toys, books, dvds. Bin bin bin. It doesn’t matter that they may be useful to someone else. It is clutter. Put it all in the bin

MIL is a hoarder. It’s infuriating listening to her debate every little thing before putting it in the bin and not even starting to tackle the problem.

Im with your DH. It should not need 3 months to throw some rubbish away, if you haven’t used it in the last year and it’s not hugely sentimental- bin!

Just throw the shit away, you will feel better once it's gone. It doesn't take ages, you need it or you don't. One pile donate, one pile bin. Get it done, be ruthless. You do sound like a hoarder in denial.

It sounds like hoarding, yes. Moving house is known to be incredibly stressful so it is very hard to dehoard around the same time.

People saying 'just throw it away' are being unhelpful - if it was that simple for a hoarder to do, they'd do it.

Talk to your husband, explain you want to tackle it but need some help, then get the help.

Good luck!

Sorry but you really do sound like a Hoarder.

You don't need to sit and ponder whether to chuck something or not - you see what it is and decide to chuck or not in, literally, a second.

He throws his stuff away and helps you with the children's stuff so for example you have very clear guidelines ie all clothing that is x size or smaller can go all shoes smaller than x size can go etc etc

Other than that, you need fast sorting strategies, empty boxes "keep" "throw" if your really struggling. Have a third "think about" and go head on at it

But don't let him badger you because that makes things difficult

Yes, Dana White all the way!

you could also watch Stacey Solomon’s Sort Your Life Out, and see if you recognise your thoughts processes in any of the families.

Also have a look at the long-running decluttering and hoarding threads. Something there may resonate with you. Posters there often suggest how to dispose of items in the least painful way.

For myself, I’m well aware of why I’m fearful of disposing of anything, and at the same time I have to create as normal as possible environment for other family members.

So I have a sorting corner where I tackle one box, tub, container, at a time. It becomes a daily habit and part of my routine while listening to a podcast.

If he can't contribute to the solution, he dosen't get to complain about the problem.

It is far more difficult for the non-hoarder to declutter everything before a move, however much they want to. We moved about eighteen months ago and l had had a massive decluttering session of my things, but DH could not make any decisions about his belongings. In some ways, it was actually easier for me to sort through things after we moved as I was able to put everything we wanted/needed to keep where I thought they should go. Everything else either went to charity shops or DH took to the tip. I had to make sure that he didn't know what was in a' lot of the bin bags. We have a lovely, tidy home now and DH loves it, but I have to go behind him, picking up items he discards and forgets. @HugeDeal, it sounds very much as if you are a hoarder and it is too overwhelming for you to deal with your belongings. Hoarding is considered to be an addiction and can be helped. A characteristic of hoarders is that, like you, they cannot decide what stays and what goes so that when they are supposed to be sorting things out, they spend hours moving them from one pile to another. This is called churning. My advice to you would be to let your husband make the decisions about what is kept and what is discarded. Also, a very good book on the topic is Buried in Treasures. I could recommend this for both of you to read.

No employer is going to let you have 3 months off but maybe sacrificing a couple of days in the new year to have a long weekend to do it might not be a bad idea.

Now, you need to have a clear route for everything that you sort as in bin, donate or keep.

Anything you do keep must be kept somewhere practical as yes, it's lovely to keep 500 photos but not if you end up storing them on the dining room table for 3 months whilst more clutter accumulates around the pile.

When you say stuff could be useful to people do you mean for those in your house like hand me down clothes amongst the kids or are you talking about the screwdriver set you've had for years and never actually used??

A lot of useful stuff can be donated so just get rid of it. Find your local charity shop and incorporate in to your school run or on the way to work or even taking the kids swimming. There's charity shop next to the sports centre where we go swimming, so I take a bag full of donations with me when I need to.

Even joining your local Facebook community page to give stuff can clear a bit.

Throw things away, bag it up, and in the bin it goes, especially the day before bin collection day, if you have space still in the bin, grab a bag, fill it and out the house it goes.

Don't feel guilty about throwing stuff out or donating it, because look at the grief its now causing you. All this stuff is really weighing you down mentally, is it really worth it?

You can do this but it will take time, Rome wasn't built in a day and all that.

I'm sorry OP that's exactly what a hoarder would say and they always get super angry when anyone threatens to remove their hoard.
You are deluding yourself and need psychiatric help. Hoarding can really destroy families.
There are different grades of hoarding. It doesn't mean your rooms are filled to the rafters with old newspapers.

Tbf if its all in boxes that you think would take 3 months to sort and the house functions whilst all this stuff is in boxes then you don't need it. Don't bother sorting any of it let dh take them unopened to the tip. I'm ruthless though if it's not needed,useful or loved out it goes.

@HugeDeal "The problem is I like to know what gets thrown away"

This is basically the problem, and it's a 'you' problem not a 'DH' one.

It would appear that he would have done it by now, while you're talking about needing 3 months off work to do it

I’ve a got a house mouse at the moment… I’m torn between declaring war on him and getting him out .. or feeling a bit sorry for him and letting* him stay as it’s cold - and nearly Christmas. The Ddog knows he’s here, as he goes searching for him every morning. Too soft for mine own good. Bet he’s telling his mouse mates and by January I’ll hav3 to burn the house down to shift the ruddy things. 🐭

A hoarder is someone who has so much accumulated ‘stuff’ they need to take 3 months off work to go through it. They also tend to get highly stressed at the thought of someone else going through it and throwing things away because they need to have some control over the ‘stuff’.

Yeah you’re the issue not him. He would throw away stuff and be done. You need or want to look at every tiny item before anyone can throw it out. That’s not healthy.

Im more surprised his not just started binning it all. I would have.

3 months to declutter that’s a serious amount of crap op. I’ve moved heavily pregnant and then gave birth fast once in and I didn’t have boxes laying around for more than a couple of weeks max.

I was like this when my OH moved in. The worst thing was that I couldn't find things when I wanted them, so there was no point keeping them just in case.

I did manage to break the habit and tidied one drawer or cupboard at a time. Having a place for everything and getting rid of things that no longer had a use.

Life is so much easier when you can find the things you do use, because all the crap you don't isn't in the way.

bloody hell what a pile on, she's got 3 kids, works full time and some of us sometimes want to do something other than cleaning and tidying, it can just take being ill for things to tip over into a clutter snowball. She's asking for help not to be told she's the problem BURN THE HOARDER, how is that meant to be helpful?!

OP I agree, throwing away good stuff is stupid and often the easiest route of giving it to a charity shop isn't great as unless it's pristine it's often chucked away anyway. What kind of things are you talking about? There are often places to donate things where they will actually be used if they can like baby banks, and there are often local buy nothing or freecycle groups where you can offer stuff up to people.

It takes longer but what has worked for me is being methodical. Give yourself one hour to get through as much as possible - I have 5 boxes - keep, bin, sell, charity, freecycle in that hour really focus on splitting things between those boxes, then bag the stuff for charity and ask your husband to take it to the charity shop straight away while you photograph and list the stuff to give away or sell and put away the things to keep. Honestly it makes an impact fast.

THIS
You'll deny this till the cows come home......but it is bang on.
Get therapy , it's a mental health condition and there is no Shame in it.
It's not fair on your kids though ...