House mice and DH

[HugeDeal]

Subject should read “House move and DH !”

We moved to a new house a few weeks ago. Have 3 DCs, all school age, and work full time including shifts and nights. Life is and has been crazy at the best of times. On top of that I am terrible at throwing things away that could still be useful to someone else perhaps. I have not been decluttering the previous home as childcare and life was always getting the better of me and I couldn’t find the energy to do it. Husband believes we could have done this move easier if we had thrown 90% of our things away. The problem is I like to know what gets thrown away, not do it blindly, so I have to go through years of accumulated clutter in a very short period of time. This creates friction and daily arguments with DH who Everything is still in boxes. I feel swamped by all the things that need sorting out in new house and trying each day to find by feet. I should really be taking at least 3 months off work but work won’t allow me. I am having thoughts that if DH bugs me to throw things away one more time, I might just explode and ask for divorce!

Any advice on tidying or tolerating a grumpy DH would be much appreciated.

A hoarder will make excuse after excuse why they can't / haven't sorted it yet - won't get better without therapy.

DH and I decluttered steadily over the last couple of years. It was a joint project, which makes a big difference, and we did it bit by bit. I can reassure you that we haven’t missed a single thing we got rid of. And the house feels so much more manageable. I definitely second the ‘everything has a place’ rule.

Yep
Useful to someone else ... not even the op.
I'd say charity shop for this elusive' someone else ... but it would fall on deaf ears as it's just a snake screen to keeping / hoarding it.

@longapple
Bit harsh
Op is a Hoarder, can't really sugar coat it.....
This will not be a quick fix either a few boxes.

This is no excuse. When I was growing up, we moved to one house on 18th December that year - exactly one week before Christmas. She worked full-time and had three children - admitedly older than @HugeDeal's children would appear to be. She has always been incredibly organised and, by Christmas day, not only was the house completely straight, including the Christmas decorations in place, but she catered for twelve people for Christmas. When we moved last year, my mother was coming to stay one week after we moved in. This was a great incentive for me to have the house ready for her visit. It was completely straight except for one bedroom which had piles of boxes. As soon as I could, that room was guest ready, too.

If it’s all in boxes and you’re not using it… how useful or needed is it? Just bin it all unopened. Three minutes not three months. Stuff it all in one room and call a house clearance company. It’ll feel like when your browser crashes and you lose all your emotional support tabs – relief. It’s done.

so? who cares what you or your mum did that was so perfect? OP said "Any advice on tidying or tolerating a grumpy DH would be much appreciated."
I didn't see her asking for harshly delivered mental illness diagnoses (some of you could do with some help with your bedside manner if you really think this is how to tell someone they're ill) or to be berated with stories of how much better other people are and how rubbish she is. Making someone feel worse in this kind of situation isn't helpful in the slightest.

@HugeDeal in the UK I know a few folks that really help with this stuff.

Heather Tingle is in Yorkshire but has an online community, course, workbook and podcast and dies a free challenge etc occasionally. The Facebook group is very very supportive. https://www.untangledbytingle.com

then there is a fabulous duo Lesley and Ingrid from The Declutter Hub. Met them a few times at business conferences and they are lovely. Fantastic podcast. Lovely group again.
https://declutterhub.com

@longapple, l was replying to you rather than @HugeDeal. Have you ever lived with a hoarder? I have and it is very frustrating and embarrassing. I grew up in a clean and tidy home and work hard to keep it that way. It means setting boundaries and tidying up behind DH. He is a recovering hoarder. Of course I am sympathetic towards @HugeDeal and other hoarders, but the simple fact is that hoarding is unhealthy, both physically and mentally for everyone who lives in these conditions and not confined to the hoarder themselves.

Thing is the only advice is that She needs to sort it or let hee husband sort it out. Her husband isn’t wrong so it’s not how to put up with him advice.

It’s how the hell has he and the children managed to put up with the amount of clutter/mess that would take 3 months to sort out, unless ops the speed of a slug that’s a lot of stuff in a lot of rooms.

Op needs a change of mindset. Nobody needs to keep things just incase Bob 10 houses down might one day need a Nokia 3310 charger.

Start January and throw out the number of things to correspond to what day it is. So 1 thing on the 1st of Jan, 2 on the second etc.
Tell the family what you are doing and get everyone to help. Perhaps take it in turn to have a day.
I say throw out but you could put in a charity bag/ throw out as long as it's clear nothing comes out of the charity bag once it's in there.

@longapple

so? who cares what you or your mum did that was so perfect? OP said "Any advice on tidying or tolerating a grumpy DH would be much appreciated."
I didn't see her asking for harshly delivered mental illness diagnoses (some of you could do with some help with your bedside manner if you really think this is how to tell someone they're ill) or to be berated with stories of how much better other people are and how rubbish she is. Making someone feel worse in this kind of situation isn't helpful in the slightest.

Bit Harsh (again).

The pp was saying it possible , if organised to be moved in and packed away.
As for the grumpy dh , wouldn't you be if you were surrounded by clutter in your own home.

I am NOT saying you are a hoarder think peopke who hoard often do not realise they do it. Do you find you sort and resort things moving it about a lot. Do you have to check what goes or will you trust someone else to do it? Do you spend a lot of time sorting through things others might not e.g jam jars or other recycling.

You’re a hoarder and sound a total nightmare. You’re lucky your husband didn’t just throw all your shite in a skip before you moved

We are moving early next year. We have 3 kids. Ever since we decided to move we’ve been very gradually sorting/decluttering so that we’re not moving with stuff we don’t want in the new house. I take a couple of bags to the charity shop every week, and we have a skip coming after Christmas for all the stuff that isn’t suitable to be passed on.

I thought a hoarder is someone who likes to hold on to stuff

A hoarder is someone who can’t get rid of stuff. That sounds like you

I should really be taking at least 3 months off work but work won’t allow me.

Should you?! If you serially think you need 3 months off work to sort this-you have a massive problem.

A practical approach iwould be a box at a time especially if your house move boxes are by type rather than room. E.g. toys, books, stationery etc. not bedroom 1.

You wrote that you like to see what is being thrown away, so you need to be manage this decluttering task. If your DH wants the process to be faster, he needs to help. If he doesn't help, he and children do something else while you sort.

Team effort or solo, take time to start first box. 3 piles - keep, bin or give away/charity. Some people have a 4th sell pile but be realistic about second hand value, time needed to advertise, reply to responses and delivery/collection time. Repeat until you reach the last box.

Bin pile goes straight outside or to household waste/dump.
Charity - into car or by front door for next time you're near a charity shop
Freebies - listed straight away
Hand me downs - photograph sent to intended recipient with a collection deadline
Keep - put away straight away

It took time to accumulate the stuff and it will take time to clear. Consider an audio book, album, podcast you'd enjoy while sorting and play that in the background.

Here's what I'd do:

If you have any storage space or spare room, chuck ALL the boxes in there and shut the door.
Then find a clear sorting space with room for you to sort. Get 3 boxes: Keep, Charity, Chuck (which can be split to Recycle and Bin)
Do one box at a time, when any Recycle box is full put the recycling out, Bin put in outside bin, or put Charity in your DH's car (he will get satisfaction I'm sure from doing the charity shop run,) or from the Keep box, go back and ask 'will I ACTUALLY USE this?' and 'Have I used this /looked at this in the last 3 years?' and 'would I notice if I didn't have this any longer?' and 'is this family memorabilia that would appear on Antiques Road Show in 35 years time and has a value to family/monetary or is it just junk?' - and re-sort, any full KEEP box goes in loft if it's a keeper.
Set a target of emptying at least 1 box per day, and you'll soon find you're doing 2 or 3 boxes a day, and quite quickly you'll have condensed 30 boxes to less than 3.

Thanks everyone for all your responses. Some of them really made me laugh, some had me reflecting. The thing is I might be a hoarder as many of you said but I definitely don’t have time for psychotherapy right now as I have piles of rubbish to get through… 😊 I am sure I have chronic burnout- that’s part of why I would have loved to get some unpaid leave to enjoy being at home and focusing on the things that really matter.

On top if that I have many reasons (or excuses as many of you said) that are valid to me for not sorting out all this rubbish, even though they don’t sound valid to you. Everyone in this house gets in and literally throws their coats, bags and shoes by the front door, leave their homework all over the place and toys everywhere. Husband included minus the homework/ toys. I have a teenager with high functioning autism and another DC with ADHD and dyslexia. I am sure I have a touch of autism too. I am a perfectionist. The minute I start to sort through a pile the DC are running around fighting and trying to kill each other. I experience far too many interruptions to my tidying for it to be effective. It’s chaos. I often think having a spotless house is overrated unless I try to kill myself by tidying up after everyone like a slave. I refuse to do that. It’s not my fault that the kids have been getting a tone of plastic toys every Xmas for the last 12 years… I didn’t cause this. I remember very well having an orderly clutter free house back in the days when no children were on the scene. I feel bad for the environment throwing useful stuff away. This stuff never actually goes “away”. I find this thought very saddening. There’s so many refugees and people living in poverty near where we live. I hate waste. That’s just my opinion.

Those refugees, and those people living in poverty, aren’t helped by you having hoards of clutter in your house. Whether it’s in your house causing you stress, or in the bin… they still don’t have it, do they?
You seem to think the 2 options are you having a house full of clutter or you spending all your spare time cleaning up after everyone. That’s not the case.
No, you can’t control what other people buy for your kids at Christmas/birthdays. But you, as a family, can control what leaves the house. I have 3 kids, one with very much not high functioning autism. All of them have been tasked with going through their stuff pre Christmas to get rid of things that don’t fit/they don’t wear/are broken/they don’t play with. Both my husband and I support them with this. We both take responsibility for decluttering. But then I don’t insist on seeing/having the final decision on everything that’s thrown away… DH is equally as capable of making those decisions.

This podcast helped me get started with decluttering my house. It's a slow process but understanding how to stop more and more stuff from mounting up is helping me get to where I'd like to be: clutterbug.me/2018/08/how-to-overcome-your-inner-perfectionist.html

I mean that just sounds like more excuses.

12 years of plastic toys you mention. So children that are plenty old enough to help. Set the rules.

There is currently a thing going around Facebook ready for Christmas. To receive you must give and it’s a box/boxes children must fill them up with toys to give away. Then you can donate them to charity or a women’s refuse etc that’s a step to getting rid of some things and a good lesson for the children.

Make an area near the door, everytime you see a coat on the floor call whoever it belongs to to hang it up every single time. If you set the example they will follow.

Right now yours teaching them to live in chaos and hoard which just adds to the problem.

I have three children I get that there is mess and mountains of stuff. But it would never get to the stage of needing months to make things perfect. We have already done the bedroom declutter ready for Santa. Toys only come down while being played with. Homework lives on the desk untill done and back in bags though most homework is digital now so not loads of it.

We go though the shoe storage once every few months to check what fits and doesn’t and throw it out rather than having 50 pairs of trainers sitting there too small lost under the mountain of newer nicer shoes that became the preferred, again wardrobes every couple of months I ask them all to sort out what fits and what doesn’t.

Harsh? Not overly. What her mum did and what she did isn't relevant for anything other than making the op feel worse. I don't like people piling on someone who is asking for advice. She knows it would be sorted if she was more organised. That's literally the point of her post.

And yes @Violinist64. I have lived with someone with hoarder tendencies and I have also at another time lived with an extreme neat freak. Honestly i can't say that one was any more comfortable than the other for me, the one with too much stuff was much more fun to be around though, having someone hovering to scoop up a cup to wash it the second I put it down and getting pissy because I like owning more than the book I'm currently reading and didn't line up socks in the drawer to standard wasn't the life for me. Most "hoarder" diagnoses that get thrown around on here are nonsense from intolerant people who can't cope with people with different priorities to them. Much like people who like being tidy claiming they have OCD with no understanding of what the condition is. Likewise liking having things and wanting to keep things that are important to you, and for other things to go to a good home when you get rid of them rather than landfill is not the same as a hoarder with a house full of possessions mingled with food wrappers, newspapers and dead rodents. Wanting to see what is being got rid of is a direct reaction to, or fear of, being treated as a lot of people up thread have suggested and someone just chucking wanted items out.

Yes a lot of mess is frustrating and embarrassing. It is for the "hoarder" too. For me, being told how shit I am and how much better other people manage has never been a great motivator in anything. It's like a weight loss group where people turn up and try to motivate by having a go at the members and telling them about how brilliant all their skinny friends are.
Kind support with actual suggestions, not just "well I did it, what's wrong with you?" works much better for most. That's not what a lot of the replies on this thread have been.

We don't know what the scale of the mess is or what else is going on in life. But pointing that out just leads to Mumsnet competitive hard lifing, oh I live in a shoe with 17 sen kids and no help and my house is always spotless and the kids never misbehave because I have firm boundaries and all of our meals for the week come from a single roast chicken because I cook everything from scratch 🙄 think I filled the Mumsnet bingo card there...?

Sorry op but your last post is just more self indulgent justification for hoarding.

You don't have time to get therapy because of your hoard, yet you aren't doing anything about your hoard.

You are helping neither the environment nor refugees by keeping it.

If you are burnt out then get signed off work.

The only person who can help you is you.

You need to take control OP. Stop wondering about it and procrastinating and making excuses.

Our loft was a dumping ground. 3 months ago, we took a weekend. Kids went to friends. We pulled everything down from the loft and out into the garden. We were ruthless and out eveything into piles including charity, tip and a few bits and pieces for Vinted. Boxed what we didn’t want to get rid of and now the attic has less than half the stuff in it and everything is boxed properly.

Felt brilliant once it was all done. The house oddly felt lighter. It was hard graft but we focussed and got it done.