Planning a day and some red flags - am I the problem?

[suzettenoisette]

I have a new friend whom I've known for a few months. She's a nice person, but we've met a few times now and the way she plans meetings is driving me crazy.

It goes like this:

She writes: How are you? Would you like to go for a coffee this Sunday?
I write: Sure, does 1 pm work for you? Where would you like to meet?
She writes: Great, let's meet in the city centre.
I write: Great, I look forward to it.

Then no contact for 2 days or so, which is fine.

Then she writes: I have this friend (male, not someone I know) and he'd like to take us to the movies. Let's meet at 9 pm instead.
I write: Sorry, but I thought we'd meet at 1 pm and I have plans later that day.
She writes: Oh, no worries. Then let's go for coffee as planned.
I write: Great, see you Sunday.

Another 2 days later:

She writes: I know this great place in "random place in London, far away from the centre, not known for being particularly lovely and far away from her and my place". How about meeting there?
I write: Sure, can you tell where I need to go exactly?
She: doesn't reply until Saturday night: "sends address"

Am I boring, predictable or overreacting by finding this annoying? I already told her once to please let me know the time and place a bit earlier because I need to plan my weekend, so I communicated this to her. I don't really understand why she always chooses such random places to meet as you would normally meet somewhere nice where you could see the Christmas lights and not in some random place that is absolutely fine but not known for being lovely, where you can't go for a nice walk afterwards etc.

I don't think that she doesn't want to meet me, because she has initiated most meetings so far and seems happy to see me.

There are some red flags, but I can't tell if I'm overreacting:

We once went to a shop that we both wanted to go to and I was looking for new pants. I was looking at a random pair without paying attention to the size, just to see if I liked it in general and she just went "This is way too small for you, you need one that is at least 2 sizes bigger". I don't know if this is just honest and I'm overreacting or if it is mean. We are about the same size and not overweight.

We were once eating hamburgers for lunch and I was telling her afterwards that I was thinking about what to cook for dinner and she went "You're still going to have dinner after eating hamburgers for lunch?" with a shocked expression on her face and I said "Yes, we had hamburgers at 1 pm and I will eat at 7" and she just went "Wow" again with a shocked expression on her face.

Whenever we meet somewhere she always wants to drive there together, even though it's inconvenient for me as I live closer to a different tube station. If I tell her she gets upset because I'm going to the meeting place by myself instead of driving with her.

This friend sounds like a lot of hard work!

Personally I couldn’t be bothered with all that but it’s up to you whether the friendship outweighs the hassles. I don’t think I’d enjoy her company.

You're just not compatible. Going for a cup of coffee isn't meant to be this hard!

It's stressful for me, but wondering if I'm just not spontaneous enough. I tend to be very (maybe too?) organised.

Why are you friends with her? What does she give you?
she sounds awful.

You just don't seem to like her much. Quite apart from the spontaneity/lack of spontaneity, which is purely subjective, you seem to be ruminating on remarks I wouldn't have given a second thought to, which seems to be things you view as implicitly critical of your body size or appetite.

To my mind, she's not being spontaneous. Spontaneous is "hey do you want to meet up at 1pm in town for coffee?" with no nailed down plan of where or for how long. Flaky is changing the plan every 5 minutes to weird times and locations.

I personally found the remarks hurtful, but maybe it wouldn't bother others. That's what I'm here to find out.

If I didn't like her, I would never have agreed to meet her in the first place.

We have some things in common. Sometimes we have nice conversations. But lately it has been more stressful than nice, to be honest. I just don't want to judge her too quickly or not give her a chance.

You say she's initiated most of the meetings so far - could it be she's leaving thr specifics of where to meet because she's hoping you suggest somewhere? It can be draining always being the person who has to organise the plan. Just a thought?

I couldn't deal with the random plans.

It's just that you don't appear to have a good word to say for her. You say you've only met her a few times over the period of a few months since you've known her, but the arrangements for these meetings seem to irritate you, her preferred method of getting to wherever is problematic, her choice of venue to meet in is problematic, and when you do meet she makes remarks you view as body-shaming.

Bluntly, what's in this for you? These things are purely subjective. If it's not working for you, it's not working for you. No one gets to come on here and tell you you're wrong for not being more flexible about arrangements -- that's your call. But why not be the one to initiate a meeting, and stipulate exactly where and when, so you can cater to your own preference for seeing Christmas lights and going for a walk, and knowing exactly where you're going?

The last two times we met I picked the locations and arranged everything (how to get there, time schedule, bookings), so I don't think so.

Thank you, but I think you're misunderstanding the problem. She first suggested the city centre which is fine, because it is lovely, lots to do and the lights. There is nothing wrong with the first exchange. It's about her wanting to change times/dates etc. again several times afterwards and the waiting until the last minute to give me the definite time and location.

I usually do a lot of the planning, e.g. handled bookings, transportation etc. for our last couple of meet ups, but even then she tried to change things last minute, suggesting we meet later and I pick her up before etc.

This thread is about the problems I have with her and if they can be solved, so obviously going to talk more about what the problems are so I can get help. I would normally like to drive to the cafe with her etc. but we live close to different tube stations so would be me just driving around for 30 minutes extra to pick her up.

She likes controlling you and off-centering you with changes to plans and negative comments. She isn’t a friend and you’d be better off distancing yourself from this. Have some self respect.

We have someone in the family like this. We arrange a family lunch and who is bringing what, she agrees, and then she starts: can she change it to supper but no later than four, can she bring different food as she’s not eating hot/cold food, can it be on a different day?
We now stick to the original plan if the majority (4 families) agree and she usually sucks it up.
She still does it though, and if we agree to change, she then wants another change. So my advice would be make a plan and stick to it. If you continue to find her rude and hurtful , don’t see her any more.

She sounds a pain. I think I’d be distancing myself. She’s a cheeky wotsit as well commenting on you having lunch and a dinner later. No thanks.

Honestly, I couldn't be bothered seeing her at all. She sounds like a pain in the neck.

I have a friend like this, and I am more a planner like you. I don't think it's deliberate or controlling in her case, she's just easily distracted by the idea of something else that sounds fun and doesn't really think through that it might be disruptive for someone else. After getting exasperated by this kind of thing, I now just say to any suggestion of the slightest alteration, 'Sorry, I've based the rest of my day around our original plan so we'll need to stick to that. If it's not convenient any more for you, let's cancel and let me know when you're free to meet up another time.' Half the time the original plan goes ahead, and the other half we cancel (bit disappointing, but you can't have everything) - which feels like a compromise between our two styles.

Nor me tbh .

Frim what I’ve read OP - you’re not the problem - she is. I wouldn’t like this

I voted you are B U because you're allowing her to constantly change things, which you find annoying. Why don't you just ask her why she feels the need to keep changing the plans, or when she suggests a change, just say 'No, I'd prefer to stick with the original arrangements, but if they don't suit, we'll have to meet another day'.

Why don't you just tell her that her suggestion doesn't suit you? And then suggest something that does, or say you would prefer to do her original suggestion.. If you don't want to do the thing she is suggesting anyway then it won't matter if you don't do it!

I don't know about red flags but she definitely sounds like a pain in the arse. No iseful advice but the problem is not you and you are not unreasonable for finding it frustrating - most people would.

Thanks for the reply. I did, several times, but she comes up with more anyway. The last time I caved in at the end which was wrong. Definitely need to work on this. But it is stressful for me regardless, her constant suggestions.

Thanks, I did that and she kept suggesting more things, but I sometimes cave in after a few tries of hers so I should definitely not do that anymore. This was helpful, thank you.