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AIBU?

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Original poster

Planning a day and some red flags - am I the problem?

78 replies

suzettenoisette · 12/12/2024 15:51

I have a new friend whom I've known for a few months. She's a nice person, but we've met a few times now and the way she plans meetings is driving me crazy.

It goes like this:

She writes: How are you? Would you like to go for a coffee this Sunday?
I write: Sure, does 1 pm work for you? Where would you like to meet?
She writes: Great, let's meet in the city centre.
I write: Great, I look forward to it.

Then no contact for 2 days or so, which is fine.

Then she writes: I have this friend (male, not someone I know) and he'd like to take us to the movies. Let's meet at 9 pm instead.
I write: Sorry, but I thought we'd meet at 1 pm and I have plans later that day.
She writes: Oh, no worries. Then let's go for coffee as planned.
I write: Great, see you Sunday.

Another 2 days later:

She writes: I know this great place in "random place in London, far away from the centre, not known for being particularly lovely and far away from her and my place". How about meeting there?
I write: Sure, can you tell where I need to go exactly?
She: doesn't reply until Saturday night: "sends address"

Am I boring, predictable or overreacting by finding this annoying? I already told her once to please let me know the time and place a bit earlier because I need to plan my weekend, so I communicated this to her. I don't really understand why she always chooses such random places to meet as you would normally meet somewhere nice where you could see the Christmas lights and not in some random place that is absolutely fine but not known for being lovely, where you can't go for a nice walk afterwards etc.

I don't think that she doesn't want to meet me, because she has initiated most meetings so far and seems happy to see me.

There are some red flags, but I can't tell if I'm overreacting:

We once went to a shop that we both wanted to go to and I was looking for new pants. I was looking at a random pair without paying attention to the size, just to see if I liked it in general and she just went "This is way too small for you, you need one that is at least 2 sizes bigger". I don't know if this is just honest and I'm overreacting or if it is mean. We are about the same size and not overweight.

We were once eating hamburgers for lunch and I was telling her afterwards that I was thinking about what to cook for dinner and she went "You're still going to have dinner after eating hamburgers for lunch?" with a shocked expression on her face and I said "Yes, we had hamburgers at 1 pm and I will eat at 7" and she just went "Wow" again with a shocked expression on her face.

Whenever we meet somewhere she always wants to drive there together, even though it's inconvenient for me as I live closer to a different tube station. If I tell her she gets upset because I'm going to the meeting place by myself instead of driving with her.

OP posts:
Evaka · 13/12/2024 09:15

She sounds like a chaotic pain in the arse. I would phase her out. And her remarks are super rude. Can't fathom folks up thread saying you're sensitive for not enjoying her comments on your appetite and clothing size.

Disturbia81 · 13/12/2024 09:16

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 12/12/2024 16:40

We have someone in the family like this. We arrange a family lunch and who is bringing what, she agrees, and then she starts: can she change it to supper but no later than four, can she bring different food as she’s not eating hot/cold food, can it be on a different day?
We now stick to the original plan if the majority (4 families) agree and she usually sucks it up.
She still does it though, and if we agree to change, she then wants another change. So my advice would be make a plan and stick to it. If you continue to find her rude and hurtful , don’t see her any more.

Yeah I've known a few people like this, I don't know what it is about.. do they like the to and fro chat of deciding, do they like controlling it all, scattered brain etc

Original poster
suzettenoisette · 13/12/2024 09:17

DiamanteFan · 13/12/2024 07:36

when you say driving together, do you mean she wants you to give her a lift, or for you each to drive your own cars?

No, we take the tube. I live close to one station and line and she to another, but she prefers to travel everywhere together so she always expects me to add extra minutes to my journey by not using the most direct way of getting there but to take the same tube she does and then go from there together. When I say "no" she is disappointed and makes me feel guilty.

I don't know if I'm explaining it well, but for example let's say that she lives on the Piccadilly line and I live on the Bakerloo (not where we actually live) and we drink coffee at Piccadilly Circus, then it would be way faster for us just to travel to the centre using our respective tubes, but she would want me to cross over to hers by taking a detour and then going together even after telling her that it will be a longer journey for me. When I say "no", which I do, she says "Okay, if you really have to, but it would be nicer to go together as we could talk".

OP posts:
LushLemonTart · 13/12/2024 09:27

She does sound* *controlling to me. Do you have many other friends to meet for coffee etc? How did you meet her?

Original poster
suzettenoisette · 13/12/2024 09:32

LushLemonTart · 13/12/2024 09:27

She does sound* *controlling to me. Do you have many other friends to meet for coffee etc? How did you meet her?

To be honest, no. I do have many good friends whom I can talk to online, but they don't live here. I moved a lot and spent most of my 20s abroad. I sometimes feel lonely. I have very nice colleagues and we meet sometimes to go out, but it is not a close friendship. My husband is at work a lot and his family/friends live a bit outside of London, where he grew up.

OP posts:
Alconleigh · 13/12/2024 09:32

Careful, the comment about hamburgers has acted like a klaxon to the teeny tiny eaters who couldn't possibly have another meal after a burger at 1pm.....

Original poster
suzettenoisette · 13/12/2024 09:35

Alconleigh · 13/12/2024 09:32

Careful, the comment about hamburgers has acted like a klaxon to the teeny tiny eaters who couldn't possibly have another meal after a burger at 1pm.....

I noticed, I'm not going to pay them attention because the discussion would go into a different, unhealthy direction.

OP posts:
LushLemonTart · 13/12/2024 09:42

@suzettenoisette then it might be a good idea to look at how to address that? What's available for socialising that you may enjoy? London must have lots. I live in a colliery village and there's no end of things to do locally and in the next villages and towns. Don't worry about going alone.

Manara · 13/12/2024 09:44

Coconutter24 · 13/12/2024 06:47

The trying to change plans every couple of days would probably annoy me. Pointing out the underwear size wouldn’t and the hamburger thing wouldn’t because I’m like your friend if I eat something like that around 1pm I’d only need something small later on, she doesn’t mean anything by it. I do think you probably sound a bit sensitive

Why would you feel the need to comment on what someone plans to eat like that? It’s so rude.

Lurkingandlearning · 13/12/2024 10:30

But lately it has been more stressful than nice, to be honest. I just don't want to judge her too quickly or not give her a chance.

You only became friends a few months ago so you’re still getting to know her. And of course, as time goes by and people relax with new friends, that is when you find out if you’re really compatible or not. If you’re not enjoying the friendship pull the plug on it. That doesn’t reflect badly on either of you, you’re just very different types of people.

Coconutter24 · 13/12/2024 13:20

Manara · 13/12/2024 09:44

Why would you feel the need to comment on what someone plans to eat like that? It’s so rude.

Show quote history

If someone said that to me I wouldn’t find it rude or take offence but I suppose everyone’s different

Original poster
suzettenoisette · 13/12/2024 15:58

LushLemonTart · 13/12/2024 09:42

@suzettenoisette then it might be a good idea to look at how to address that? What's available for socialising that you may enjoy? London must have lots. I live in a colliery village and there's no end of things to do locally and in the next villages and towns. Don't worry about going alone.

Definitely. I'm working on it and want to improve my social life.

OP posts:
Original poster
suzettenoisette · 13/12/2024 17:02

Lurkingandlearning · 13/12/2024 10:30

But lately it has been more stressful than nice, to be honest. I just don't want to judge her too quickly or not give her a chance.

You only became friends a few months ago so you’re still getting to know her. And of course, as time goes by and people relax with new friends, that is when you find out if you’re really compatible or not. If you’re not enjoying the friendship pull the plug on it. That doesn’t reflect badly on either of you, you’re just very different types of people.

True, maybe we are just too different.

OP posts:
LushLemonTart · 13/12/2024 18:45

@suzettenoisette glad to hear that. What sort of things interest you?

KatyJ89 · 13/12/2024 18:58

suzettenoisette · 12/12/2024 15:51

I have a new friend whom I've known for a few months. She's a nice person, but we've met a few times now and the way she plans meetings is driving me crazy.

It goes like this:

She writes: How are you? Would you like to go for a coffee this Sunday?
I write: Sure, does 1 pm work for you? Where would you like to meet?
She writes: Great, let's meet in the city centre.
I write: Great, I look forward to it.

Then no contact for 2 days or so, which is fine.

Then she writes: I have this friend (male, not someone I know) and he'd like to take us to the movies. Let's meet at 9 pm instead.
I write: Sorry, but I thought we'd meet at 1 pm and I have plans later that day.
She writes: Oh, no worries. Then let's go for coffee as planned.
I write: Great, see you Sunday.

Another 2 days later:

She writes: I know this great place in "random place in London, far away from the centre, not known for being particularly lovely and far away from her and my place". How about meeting there?
I write: Sure, can you tell where I need to go exactly?
She: doesn't reply until Saturday night: "sends address"

Am I boring, predictable or overreacting by finding this annoying? I already told her once to please let me know the time and place a bit earlier because I need to plan my weekend, so I communicated this to her. I don't really understand why she always chooses such random places to meet as you would normally meet somewhere nice where you could see the Christmas lights and not in some random place that is absolutely fine but not known for being lovely, where you can't go for a nice walk afterwards etc.

I don't think that she doesn't want to meet me, because she has initiated most meetings so far and seems happy to see me.

There are some red flags, but I can't tell if I'm overreacting:

We once went to a shop that we both wanted to go to and I was looking for new pants. I was looking at a random pair without paying attention to the size, just to see if I liked it in general and she just went "This is way too small for you, you need one that is at least 2 sizes bigger". I don't know if this is just honest and I'm overreacting or if it is mean. We are about the same size and not overweight.

We were once eating hamburgers for lunch and I was telling her afterwards that I was thinking about what to cook for dinner and she went "You're still going to have dinner after eating hamburgers for lunch?" with a shocked expression on her face and I said "Yes, we had hamburgers at 1 pm and I will eat at 7" and she just went "Wow" again with a shocked expression on her face.

Whenever we meet somewhere she always wants to drive there together, even though it's inconvenient for me as I live closer to a different tube station. If I tell her she gets upset because I'm going to the meeting place by myself instead of driving with her.

Sounds like the sort of things my mother would say to me 🤣

No, ditch her. Life is far too bloody short to spend with miserable insecure women like that.

Original poster
suzettenoisette · 13/12/2024 21:13

LushLemonTart · 13/12/2024 18:45

@suzettenoisette glad to hear that. What sort of things interest you?

Crafts, sports and maybe learning a new language. I will google a bit and maybe also try an app to make new friends.

OP posts:
SeAmableSiempre · 14/12/2024 17:35

suzettenoisette · 12/12/2024 15:51

I have a new friend whom I've known for a few months. She's a nice person, but we've met a few times now and the way she plans meetings is driving me crazy.

It goes like this:

She writes: How are you? Would you like to go for a coffee this Sunday?
I write: Sure, does 1 pm work for you? Where would you like to meet?
She writes: Great, let's meet in the city centre.
I write: Great, I look forward to it.

Then no contact for 2 days or so, which is fine.

Then she writes: I have this friend (male, not someone I know) and he'd like to take us to the movies. Let's meet at 9 pm instead.
I write: Sorry, but I thought we'd meet at 1 pm and I have plans later that day.
She writes: Oh, no worries. Then let's go for coffee as planned.
I write: Great, see you Sunday.

Another 2 days later:

She writes: I know this great place in "random place in London, far away from the centre, not known for being particularly lovely and far away from her and my place". How about meeting there?
I write: Sure, can you tell where I need to go exactly?
She: doesn't reply until Saturday night: "sends address"

Am I boring, predictable or overreacting by finding this annoying? I already told her once to please let me know the time and place a bit earlier because I need to plan my weekend, so I communicated this to her. I don't really understand why she always chooses such random places to meet as you would normally meet somewhere nice where you could see the Christmas lights and not in some random place that is absolutely fine but not known for being lovely, where you can't go for a nice walk afterwards etc.

I don't think that she doesn't want to meet me, because she has initiated most meetings so far and seems happy to see me.

There are some red flags, but I can't tell if I'm overreacting:

We once went to a shop that we both wanted to go to and I was looking for new pants. I was looking at a random pair without paying attention to the size, just to see if I liked it in general and she just went "This is way too small for you, you need one that is at least 2 sizes bigger". I don't know if this is just honest and I'm overreacting or if it is mean. We are about the same size and not overweight.

We were once eating hamburgers for lunch and I was telling her afterwards that I was thinking about what to cook for dinner and she went "You're still going to have dinner after eating hamburgers for lunch?" with a shocked expression on her face and I said "Yes, we had hamburgers at 1 pm and I will eat at 7" and she just went "Wow" again with a shocked expression on her face.

Whenever we meet somewhere she always wants to drive there together, even though it's inconvenient for me as I live closer to a different tube station. If I tell her she gets upset because I'm going to the meeting place by myself instead of driving with her.

I’ve also read your ‘next post’. Please please dump this ‘friend’. It’s a new friendship and she’s already trying to manipulate you. I don’t like her back door bullying tactics either regarding your purchase of trousers and your planned dinner. Either she’s jealous of you, or she’s one of those people who gets off on pushing people around.
She’ll drain you, you’ll always be on edge in her presence, is that what you call a friend?
Bless your heart OP, close the door on her, you are worth more xx

SeAmableSiempre · 14/12/2024 21:52

suzettenoisette · 12/12/2024 16:12

I personally found the remarks hurtful, but maybe it wouldn't bother others. That's what I'm here to find out.

If I didn't like her, I would never have agreed to meet her in the first place.

I too would find the remarks hurtful OP, in fact I’d be angry. No true friend would treat you like this.

Jimjamssy · 14/12/2024 22:14

This is not about spontaneity.
This is her messing you about.
I simply couldn't be arsed with it.

Isatis · 15/12/2024 05:31

suzettenoisette · 13/12/2024 09:17

No, we take the tube. I live close to one station and line and she to another, but she prefers to travel everywhere together so she always expects me to add extra minutes to my journey by not using the most direct way of getting there but to take the same tube she does and then go from there together. When I say "no" she is disappointed and makes me feel guilty.

I don't know if I'm explaining it well, but for example let's say that she lives on the Piccadilly line and I live on the Bakerloo (not where we actually live) and we drink coffee at Piccadilly Circus, then it would be way faster for us just to travel to the centre using our respective tubes, but she would want me to cross over to hers by taking a detour and then going together even after telling her that it will be a longer journey for me. When I say "no", which I do, she says "Okay, if you really have to, but it would be nicer to go together as we could talk".

Show quote history

Does she ever offer to be the one who detours to your line and makes the longer journey?

SophiaRose91 · 15/12/2024 05:50

She sounds a bit annoying. Can you just start to simmer down the communication until its completely stopped and then delete her number? x

Powderblue1 · 15/12/2024 05:50

I try to judge friendships on how I feel when I leave their company. You should leave your friends feeling happy and refreshed. It sounds like you leave her company confused and questioning her motives. I don't think she sounds like a very good friend.

SharpOpalNewt · 15/12/2024 05:55

ExhibitionOfYourself · 12/12/2024 16:09

You just don't seem to like her much. Quite apart from the spontaneity/lack of spontaneity, which is purely subjective, you seem to be ruminating on remarks I wouldn't have given a second thought to, which seems to be things you view as implicitly critical of your body size or appetite.

Show quote history

If you don't think there is anything wrong with making unnecessary remarks about clothes sizes or fat shaming someone for eating dinner six hours after lunch then you have a problem, not the OP.

Original poster
suzettenoisette · 15/12/2024 17:27

Powderblue1 · 15/12/2024 05:50

I try to judge friendships on how I feel when I leave their company. You should leave your friends feeling happy and refreshed. It sounds like you leave her company confused and questioning her motives. I don't think she sounds like a very good friend.

Definitely didn't feel happy and refreshed after today...

Forgot to mention that I told her about my aerobics class and she said she'd like to come. I told her that I prefer to do sports by myself and she told me that she'd still like to come at least once.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 15/12/2024 17:54

No sounds pretty normal. Not sure why when she suggested you meet in the city centre you didn't respond with an actual place.
My mother always said that if we went out to lunch as if one meal a day was plenty.
Trousers - that might make me a tad annoyed but I'd just say I was getting a better look first.
Driving - does she mean she'll pick you up? Not sure I get what's bothering you about that one.
All friends have little quirks. You either accept them and figure out how to work around it (like pin her down to times and place immediately), or just inwardly roll your eyes, or just pull back from the friendship.