Planning a day and some red flags - am I the problem?

[suzettenoisette]

I have a new friend whom I've known for a few months. She's a nice person, but we've met a few times now and the way she plans meetings is driving me crazy.

It goes like this:

She writes: How are you? Would you like to go for a coffee this Sunday?
I write: Sure, does 1 pm work for you? Where would you like to meet?
She writes: Great, let's meet in the city centre.
I write: Great, I look forward to it.

Then no contact for 2 days or so, which is fine.

Then she writes: I have this friend (male, not someone I know) and he'd like to take us to the movies. Let's meet at 9 pm instead.
I write: Sorry, but I thought we'd meet at 1 pm and I have plans later that day.
She writes: Oh, no worries. Then let's go for coffee as planned.
I write: Great, see you Sunday.

Another 2 days later:

She writes: I know this great place in "random place in London, far away from the centre, not known for being particularly lovely and far away from her and my place". How about meeting there?
I write: Sure, can you tell where I need to go exactly?
She: doesn't reply until Saturday night: "sends address"

Am I boring, predictable or overreacting by finding this annoying? I already told her once to please let me know the time and place a bit earlier because I need to plan my weekend, so I communicated this to her. I don't really understand why she always chooses such random places to meet as you would normally meet somewhere nice where you could see the Christmas lights and not in some random place that is absolutely fine but not known for being lovely, where you can't go for a nice walk afterwards etc.

I don't think that she doesn't want to meet me, because she has initiated most meetings so far and seems happy to see me.

There are some red flags, but I can't tell if I'm overreacting:

We once went to a shop that we both wanted to go to and I was looking for new pants. I was looking at a random pair without paying attention to the size, just to see if I liked it in general and she just went "This is way too small for you, you need one that is at least 2 sizes bigger". I don't know if this is just honest and I'm overreacting or if it is mean. We are about the same size and not overweight.

We were once eating hamburgers for lunch and I was telling her afterwards that I was thinking about what to cook for dinner and she went "You're still going to have dinner after eating hamburgers for lunch?" with a shocked expression on her face and I said "Yes, we had hamburgers at 1 pm and I will eat at 7" and she just went "Wow" again with a shocked expression on her face.

Whenever we meet somewhere she always wants to drive there together, even though it's inconvenient for me as I live closer to a different tube station. If I tell her she gets upset because I'm going to the meeting place by myself instead of driving with her.

I'd find the inability to plan coffee in a straightforward way a bit irritating, but wouldn't have a problem with the 'you need a bigger size' or the 'you're not having dinner as well' comments because as you say, you're not overweight and the same size as her.
If you want to keep seeing her you probably either need to roll your eyes and go with the changes or else suggest a meeting time and place yourself, then keep saying that that's the only thing you can manage.

The comments on your food and size of clothes was rude. The suggestion a random man taking you both to the cinema at 9pm is a suitable alternative for a coffee at 1pm is just plain weird.

I voted yabu simply because the two of you are not compatible as friends. She is nice, spontaneous and informal while you are nice, inflexible and formal. It’s not going well at all as you are being constantly irritated by her more free wheeling personality.

I'm a bit of a planner so I like to know where and when I'm going somewhere and frankly this friend would fry my brain
Change of time or venue wouldn't be a problem, but thinking of changing a catch up over coffee at 1pm to a cinema trip with a random guy is nuts and doesn't sound like she values your friendship at all.
The comments I would shrug off
I wouldn't agree to the constant changes.
Your time is just as valuable as hers.
She's very self centred

honestly op, those things are good reasons to consider becoming a friend with someone, but not everyone with whom we have things in common and have an occasional nice conversation with is a friend.
She is not a friend.
She hurts your feelings. She is disrespectful of your time by changing plans and including others you don’t know, she doesn’t care that a change in plan is inconvenient for you…. She’s very selfish and doesn’t give 2 twats about you.

The trying to change plans every couple of days would probably annoy me. Pointing out the underwear size wouldn’t and the hamburger thing wouldn’t because I’m like your friend if I eat something like that around 1pm I’d only need something small later on, she doesn’t mean anything by it. I do think you probably sound a bit sensitive

Its simple

Her - do you want to meet for coffee at the weekend
You - yes, x time at x place works for me
Her - ok

Her later - can we change to Y time at Y place
You - no, I've other commitments it's x time at x place or not at all

Other commitments can be be a good book curled up on your sofa, just stick to the original plan or let her cancel

I can’t see that this friendship has legs. You’re entitled to feel however you feel about someone, the problem I see here is that you’re not owning that bit and saying this just isn’t the person for me, instead you seem to be playing the victim in all these scenarios. I’d be taking a look at why you have such a drive to keep this going and can’t accept that you’re just not compatible. Have you a history of people pleasing? Have you nor got many other friends and are scared of letting this one go?
neither party needs to be the bad person here but it’s toxic as hell to stay in any relationship when it’s clearly not compatible. I’d guess she’s already picking up on the fact that you low level don’t really like her.
give yourself - and her - a break and end it

Honestly, it shouldn’t be this hard. Just say: Look, I’d love to meet for coffee as originally planned. Have no time or energy or anything else. I’ll meet you there at x. If you want to do something else, go ahead and I’ll see you some other time.

Maybe she has adhd or something like that? She may not realise she is being hard work.

when you say driving together, do you mean she wants you to give her a lift, or for you each to drive your own cars?

I agree with this. I would go vague on her. If she suggests meeting up say you're busy but can do xx time at xx place. If she tries to change plans again fade her out. She's hard work.

Did you go? If it doesn't suit you suggest an alternative that does. If she takes offence so be it.

I think all the people guessing her intentions are doing just that - guessing.
You can't change the way she behaves but you can change the way you respond to it. If you want to continue the friendship, you'll have to amend your behaviour.
Reply more firmly and don't deviate from your plan. You don't need to give reasons, just a simple 'sorry, I can't do that, shall we stick with the original plan of meeting at xx time in xx place or we can cancel and rearrange for another day'.

She sounds fucking annoying.

Would you put up with any of this from a boyfriend? So why put up with it from a friend?

I can’t believe you inconvenience yourself and make your journey longer to travel with her.

In your shoes I would start putting in boundaries asap. Say no to driving together. Insist on a confirmed venue when you agree the date and time. If she tries to change it, say no.

Watch her reaction and take it from there.

I thought this too. Are you her chauffeur OP?

I had a "friend " like this some time ago. A funny and intelligent person and we had things in common. However it slowly dawned on me she had no awareness how her talking and actions affected other people. She was also a control freak which took a while for me to grasp. She then disclosed she had a lot of problems with other people too. I supported her for while. Eventually her inability to take no for an answer was too much for me and I pulled out of that relationship. I don't regret it. However I sometimes think that person was neurodiverse. I should have stopped seeing her long time before I actually broke up

your red flag examples aren't really red flags, they are foibles.
I agree that I wouldn't be eating a meal after eating burgers for lunch and clearly she wouldn't either, so commented upon it. It was odd to comment about your underwear size, but again, not a red flag.
TBH, she sounds like hard work - do you have the bandwidth to go through this dance about arrangements every time?

As others have said, these are not red flags. They are indicators you are very different people and that probably makes you each 'hard work' for the other.

Weirdo combo of flakey and controlling, needy and hostile...

I agree with your friend about the hamburgers, I definitely wouldn’t be having a meal in the evening if I had hamburgers at 1.

I would normally like to drive to the cafe with her etc. but we live close to different tube stations so would be me just driving around for 30 minutes extra to pick her up.

Whenever we meet somewhere she always wants to drive there together, even though it's inconvenient for me as I live closer to a different tube station. If I tell her she gets upset because I'm going to the meeting place by myself instead of driving with her.

You've said this twice but I don't understand what you mean. Why are you driving at all if the tube is an option, and if you want to drive there, why does your proximity to any tube station make a difference?

Too much like hard work. Learn to do what pleases you including who you spend your time with and invest your time and energy in as friends. Friendship should be mutually enriching.

This nails it.
People should mostly add to your life, not take away.