AIBU for limiting length of visit

[BeeKeeping]

I'm stuck between making a long post with lots of backstory or doing a drip feed - I've changed some details for anonymity.

My father and I have a difficult adult relationship, he raised me alone with no help from my mum who I haven't seen since I was a young teen. He was a good father all things considered and tried his best. I think he has undiagnosed mental health problems which have worsened with time. He thinks that I am transferring anger to him because of what my mum did. He thinks that raising me gives him cart blanche to be part of my life. He is so angry now he has started 'grey rock'ing me - so I don't know where he lives or who he spends time with. If I ask him what he's been up to he'll say 'not much' and refuse to elaborate. It's the bones of relationship at all now, and I'd probably not speak to him at all if it wasn't for wanting him and my kids to know each other.

He wants to visit them for Christmas, and currently lives in the foreign country of his origin. He has family there but doesn't speak to them, lots of burned bridges etc.

Because he raised me alone, our relationship was very intense. He has strong religious beliefs that I no longer hold and this infiltrates everything. He also tends to latch on to conspiracy theories and to have paranoia. Worries about online banking etc. He hasn't worked in years and complains about the cost of living all of the time. He says he wants to 'come home' but has no property here, so he means my home, with my DH and kids.

He wanted to come for 8 weeks at Christmas, but I can't cope with him in the house for that long, and I'm worried he might never leave. He has a lovely relationship with his grandkids, but I find him so so difficult. I've offered for him to come for 3 weeks max. Even this I will struggle with and we will almost certainly argue at some point. He finds this boundary very offensive, his beliefs mean that he thinks that families should not have boundaries and that I'm ungrateful and disrespectful. He is mostly outwardly kind but occasionally angry and says mean things which I find hard to forgive. He thinks that being passionate is part of his culture, but I'm very British and find this rude.

AIBU? Hard to know if having boundaries with close family is healthy or cruel, given that my upbringing was unusual I can't get a proper read on it.

I would have said tell him to get an airbnb if he wants to stay a long time

setting boundaries for yourself is your choice. if you feel like you need to have that space thats your choice and youre allowed to protect yourself

He would say that he has no money for an Airbnb. It's obviously free to stay with me so he wants to stay as long as possible, also the flights cost a lot and he's now saying he doesn't have money for that either. I'm not in a financial position to help him, and even if I was I think he's made poor choices.

his beliefs mean that he thinks that families should not have boundaries

But he won't tell you where he lives?

It sounds like his 'beliefs/culture' are selective and chosen to suit him.

What does your dh think about him staying for 3 weeks? I wouldn't be able to tolerate this.

My DH can barely tolerate my DF, he has seen how nasty he can be when he doesn't get his way and hates to see me upset. But he acknowledges that without my DF I would have no family at all and that having a parent is important to me. He's a very good husband and has shown me what a true father child relationship should look like

How does your dad support himself if he doesn't work? 8 weeks is a ridiculously long time to stay for Christmas, even if he was a delightful guest, which he obviously isn't.

You are entitled to have boundaries to protect yourself from his behaviour. He obviously has his own boundaries if he refuses to tell you where he lives, so you can 'grey rock' him right back.

It's as though he uses the fact that he raised you alone to emotionally blackmail you into compliance when you push back on his controlling behaviour. Lots of people were raised by a single parent, usually their mothers, and this doesn't give them any special privileges to behave badly and to have unrealistic expectation of what their adult child owes them.

If he can't afford accommodation, can he afford return flights? Travel Insurance?

Are you sure he'd actually go home?

I could barely tolerate 8 days in this scenario, let alone 8 weeks. YANBU

I don't know how he supports himself, I presume he's burning through all of his savings. I don't know what will happen when he inevitably ends up with nothing left. I can't take him in, but I also couldn't live with myself if he was out on the streets.

I’d cut him off - I think you need therapy and need to focus on your own family - there’s no peace to be had by keeping up contact with him. I wouldn’t help him with his flights or put him up if he can be so nasty.

Just say no to him coming at all. What do you get out of him being in your life? he sounds heinous.

if he cant afford the flights then is that a blessing in disguise?

does he live in a country where you could have a holiday to in the new year?
then youre the one who is there and can leave whenever you want
stay in a hotel

Are they the sort of “beliefs” that many men seem to hold, which mean specifically WOMEN shouldn’t have any boundaries? Esp women younger than them?

I think this tbh

I wouldn't want to visit his country, although I think he'd like it if I did, especially if I brought the kids. I think that he feels hard done by always being the one to make the trip- but I feel hard done by because he wants to stay for so long when he does visit.

When he first moved he visited multiple times a year and stayed for a total of 12 weeks over the year, it was awful. It's been a long time since he last visited now over a year.

If I cut him off he'll think I'm a monster, especially since he was actually a very good dad when I was little and ensured he put my needs first. We've grown apart though and have such little common ground now, his world view and life choices are opposite to mine.

8 weeks is absolutely mental. You are very right to have a boundary.

Why are you so determined to foster the relationship with him?

You don't owe him anything for raising you, that's the bare minimum a parent should do.

8 weeks is nuts and if he thought anything of you and your family he would consider that
I think you feel a duty towards him as he was a good DF growing up
You have a family now, a lovely DH and DC
I think you need to enforce boundaries now and say no. His past visits haven't worked because of his anger and you shouldn't subject your DC to that
It's ok to realise you don't owe him anything.
I see him manipulating you to live with you when his money runs out and I wouldn't trust him to leave now.
Go NC if LC would feel worse and get some therapy if you need to.

Would you really go NC with a parent who raised you well, sent you to private school at great personal expense, and was loving?

He's become a difficult person, who makes terrible life choices. And he has always had very high expectations that I can't or don't want to meet. Going NC in many ways would be relief, but without someone seriously overstepping the mark I'm not sure it can be justified.

My DSIL went no contact with us many years ago because we were clumsy around her IVF journey, didn't say the right thing at the right time. Lessons learned, but I wish she had just spoken to us and we could have worked it out. The relationship is better now but not healed. I was so hurt that she was NC with us and it's given me insight to the other side of the coin.

I’d be very wary in case you can’t get rid of him after the visit and you find he’s bought a one way ticket to the UK.

I'm worried about the one way ticket too

He won't disclose personal details over FaceTime because of his paranoia. He also semi covers his face when he's talking (probably something to do with AI stealing your identity but I haven't asked)

He definitely was loving, very effusive, but I find that saccharine now and don't like to hug or say I love you (to him). Because I'm not sure I do. He's obviously heartbroken by this.

Do you really think he will change if you just explain yourself well enough?
No one wants to go no contact with a parent.. it's always very painful. Especially when you know they love you in their own way. But you have a right to not have every boundary crossed and live with high levels of stress. You have a right to put yourself and your peace first.
Many parents develop this level of narcissisim where they act as though their children prioritising their own mental wellbeing and their own needs is some kind of horrific violent act.. but in reality we all have a right to do this And your dad is very certainly doing it to the extent he expects you to prioritise him too.
Sometimes this is just not salvageable because the parent is just not a reasonable person. And despite loving them and knowing on some level they do love you you end up having to totally cut them off as they do not respond to reasonable boundary making.
Know that you have a right to do this. You need to put your husband and kids first. You do not owe your dad for loving you or raising you. This is a bare minimum any parent should do for their children and it's not transactional. And if he put you thru private school expecting you to then do whatever he wanted in return.. to allow him to live with you as an adult at great expense to your relationship and the wellbeing of your kids.. that is not OK. It's not acceptable at all. Let go of this guilt. He is trying to manipulate you and he has absolutely no right to. You do not owe him this level of sacrifice. You owe him basic human decency which you have been giving him but that doesn't seem to be enough for him sadly. That's his issue not yours.