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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for limiting length of visit

81 replies

BeeKeeping · 12/12/2024 13:17

I'm stuck between making a long post with lots of backstory or doing a drip feed - I've changed some details for anonymity.

My father and I have a difficult adult relationship, he raised me alone with no help from my mum who I haven't seen since I was a young teen. He was a good father all things considered and tried his best. I think he has undiagnosed mental health problems which have worsened with time. He thinks that I am transferring anger to him because of what my mum did. He thinks that raising me gives him cart blanche to be part of my life. He is so angry now he has started 'grey rock'ing me - so I don't know where he lives or who he spends time with. If I ask him what he's been up to he'll say 'not much' and refuse to elaborate. It's the bones of relationship at all now, and I'd probably not speak to him at all if it wasn't for wanting him and my kids to know each other.

He wants to visit them for Christmas, and currently lives in the foreign country of his origin. He has family there but doesn't speak to them, lots of burned bridges etc.

Because he raised me alone, our relationship was very intense. He has strong religious beliefs that I no longer hold and this infiltrates everything. He also tends to latch on to conspiracy theories and to have paranoia. Worries about online banking etc. He hasn't worked in years and complains about the cost of living all of the time. He says he wants to 'come home' but has no property here, so he means my home, with my DH and kids.

He wanted to come for 8 weeks at Christmas, but I can't cope with him in the house for that long, and I'm worried he might never leave. He has a lovely relationship with his grandkids, but I find him so so difficult. I've offered for him to come for 3 weeks max. Even this I will struggle with and we will almost certainly argue at some point. He finds this boundary very offensive, his beliefs mean that he thinks that families should not have boundaries and that I'm ungrateful and disrespectful. He is mostly outwardly kind but occasionally angry and says mean things which I find hard to forgive. He thinks that being passionate is part of his culture, but I'm very British and find this rude.

AIBU? Hard to know if having boundaries with close family is healthy or cruel, given that my upbringing was unusual I can't get a proper read on it.

OP posts:
MyTipsyReader · 13/12/2024 14:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/12/2024 14:25

@BeeKeeping

I'm glad you've got a reprieve.

But I do think that you need to think a bit 'long term' if you absolutely know that you will not allow your dad to move in. Because I'm sure he's going on the assumption that he will be welcome and it will happen and you don't want to be blindsided with him showing up on your doorstep, bag and baggage.

You need to plan your words and your strategy well in advance.

Oodydoody · 13/12/2024 14:27

I'm delighted to read this OP.

Mothers are the centre of the family and their loss to their children is incalculable.

I know this from my family.

You are so blessed with a good husband and children who love you.
Hold on to this and mind it and mind yourself.

You deserve peace and happiness.
He is not your responsibility.

Your husband has witnessed his poor behaviour of you and doesn't like him as a result.
If necessary use your marriage and your husband, your children as justification of doing whats best for you too.

Have a lovely calm peaceful Christmas.
You deserve it.

JollyZebra · 16/12/2024 14:13

You seem to a caring person stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd be reluctant to cut him off, in the years to come you may well feel guilt and regret.
I think you need to cancel the visit to you, and in future make visits to him, setting out in advance the dates, location ( I'd book hotel, Airbnb) and behaviour you expect from. If your visits become unpleasant then restrict future contact to video calls etc. Don't just abandon him and go NC.

sarah419 · 16/12/2024 14:15

wow... i dont think he had a choice in raising you alone since your mother's absence. is this how you reward him?? other than judging his flaws, did you physically seek help for him? or you just judge from afar and distance yourself? just remember, for him, he gave up his life to raise you, accepting you as you are, while you can't even have him for a few weeks...

DepartingRadish · 16/12/2024 14:28

sarah419 · 16/12/2024 14:15

wow... i dont think he had a choice in raising you alone since your mother's absence. is this how you reward him?? other than judging his flaws, did you physically seek help for him? or you just judge from afar and distance yourself? just remember, for him, he gave up his life to raise you, accepting you as you are, while you can't even have him for a few weeks...

Interesting that you think a child has to "reward" a parent for doing what the parent is supposed to do - i.e. care for and raise the child they chose to have. You choose to have a child - then you choose to make the sacrifices involved in being a parent to that child.

Also interesting you aren't levying any criticism at OP's father, who hasn't bothered caring for his own elderly mother, despite expecting OP to care for him.

And since when was eight weeks only a few weeks - last time I looked it was closer to being two months. Which is not a short stretch of time for a guest to come and visit - let alone when they haven't actually been invited.

Taytayslayslay · 16/12/2024 14:35

No advice but currently going thru a very similar situation. Narcissistic /schizophrenic mum who refuses to get MH help, pushes my boundaries and thinks i need to have an open door policy for her. You are not alone. Hoping it gets better for us.

Judecb · 16/12/2024 14:42

Is it really out of the question for you to visit him? If not set strict boundaries and tell him he can come for a few days only.

WendyA22 · 16/12/2024 14:42

BeeKeeping · 12/12/2024 13:42

My DH can barely tolerate my DF, he has seen how nasty he can be when he doesn't get his way and hates to see me upset. But he acknowledges that without my DF I would have no family at all and that having a parent is important to me. He's a very good husband and has shown me what a true father child relationship should look like

Well there's your answer. Tell your dad your husband doesn't want him there that long. Or get your husband to tell him.

LookItsMeAgain · 16/12/2024 14:58

Why do you think it's your job to host him? I know he's your Dad but if you have concerns that after 8 weeks he won't leave, why do you think that's unlikely to happen if he only stays for 3 weeks?

He can stay in a hotel or Bed & Breakfast and visit you during the day. If he has to cover the cost of the visit, it is very likely that it will be a fleeting visit. Otherwise, it's very very likely that he will stay longer than you want.

LookItsMeAgain · 16/12/2024 15:03

Just after seeing your update - I'd call that a result.

I do hope he feels better soon but under no circumstances is it your responsibility to house him while he visits or to pay for flights/insurance/accommodation.

Maurepas · 16/12/2024 15:04

sarah419 · 16/12/2024 14:15

wow... i dont think he had a choice in raising you alone since your mother's absence. is this how you reward him?? other than judging his flaws, did you physically seek help for him? or you just judge from afar and distance yourself? just remember, for him, he gave up his life to raise you, accepting you as you are, while you can't even have him for a few weeks...

Children do not ask to be born - it is ''done'' to them by their parents who thereby have the responsibility to raise them as best as possible - it is what parents OWE their children not the other way round - got it?

Vodkamummy · 16/12/2024 15:57

To sum it up boundaries aren't punishment. By setting them, you take control over how you want to be treated and what you will allow in your life. You deserve to have healthy relationships, and setting boundaries is a large part of this.

ForTaupeJoker · 16/12/2024 16:21

That phrase 'cannot get a proper read on it' is so helpful to me! Sorry no advice just thanks at this point.

Emmz1510 · 16/12/2024 16:31

Like others have suggested I’d be worried that a 2 month stay, or any stay for that matter, would result in him never leaving. He sounds toxic. Just because he brought you up doesn’t mean he has a free pass to do and say what he likes and emotionally abuse you.
If you do agree to him staying, I wouldn’t allow it for anymore than maybe ten days and I’d want to have proof of his return plans (eg plane ticket home). It doesn’t matter if he thinks there should be no boundaries. He’s wrong. I have a good relationship with my parents and couldn’t tolerate them staying with us for more than a few days!

Emmz1510 · 16/12/2024 16:34

Maurepas · 16/12/2024 15:04

Children do not ask to be born - it is ''done'' to them by their parents who thereby have the responsibility to raise them as best as possible - it is what parents OWE their children not the other way round - got it?

Show quote history

I know right? Such a toxic attitude to think that parents are owed a single thing by their kids. Most people do feel thankful and grateful to their parents, at least if they have had a positive experience. But it’s by no means a given. Children don’t ask to be born. It’s entirely of the parents own making.

DecoratingDiva · 16/12/2024 16:59

There is a very high chance that he will not leave once he gets in the door and if you already know you couldn’t put him on the street you’ll be stuck with him.

can you cope with that possibility? You don’t have to have a relationship with him out of guilt over the past and plenty of kids either don’t have a relationship with grandparents or lose it when they are young so you can let go of guilt on their behalf too.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/12/2024 17:27

I think, given all the potential difficulties of him visiting you ( ie not going home again and expecting you to care for him indefinitely) you would have more control of the situation if you visited him. You could stay at a hotel/airbnb, decide the lenght of the visit and withdraw if it all became too much.

WeeOrcadian · 16/12/2024 17:39

NRTFT

"He believes that the patriarchy is a good model and in his culture families live in multigenerational households quite commonly."

This stood out to me

It sounds to me like he'd descend on you and TELL you he's staying. End of. Then you're left with a very unwelcome house intruder.

WeeOrcadian · 16/12/2024 17:41

Edit to add - he may not actually obtain a visa if he hasn't been present in the UK and almost certainly if he doesn't have enough savings or impetus to return home. I've heard of people refused for much less

Active13 · 16/12/2024 18:09

Boundaries are necessary in all healthy relationships.
I am concerned that your father is dictating what should happen, yet he is not being honest with you about where he lives.
I raised my 3 children as a single parent but do not expect them to house, entertain or finance me.
If your father can be a good grandparent then he can be a respectful father. He is choosing who he is kind & respectful too (your children) whilst being unkind, manipulative & dictational to you.
Your own emotional wellbeing is just as important as your father's.
My mum can be unkind and rude to me. Now my children are adults they see & question this behaviour as it's not ok.
You are in a difficult situation but you should not be bullied into making a decision that is not good for you, your hubby & your children.
I wish you well OP.

JillMW · 16/12/2024 18:34

I am glad that fate has sorted this one out for you even if temporarily. Give a great big sigh of relief and enjoy your family Christmas.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 16/12/2024 18:34

In your shoes I would visit him and not have him come to you unless you are confident you can either financial support him or he can support himself.

That way you can set the length of the stay and travel on a solo basis staying in a hotel or similar. He can chat to the kids on video calls with support from you and you have maintained your relationship on your terms.

Tazor · 16/12/2024 19:26

He brings you up by himself , maybe show him a little more respect even if it's difficult, your mother abandoned you not him . You don't know what kind of upbringing he had,he might have bad experiences growing up witch has affected him . You only have one father try and love him while he is here, if you don't you may regret it when he's gone. Just a thought. Wishing you all the best.

DepartingRadish · 16/12/2024 19:37

Tazor · 16/12/2024 19:26

He brings you up by himself , maybe show him a little more respect even if it's difficult, your mother abandoned you not him . You don't know what kind of upbringing he had,he might have bad experiences growing up witch has affected him . You only have one father try and love him while he is here, if you don't you may regret it when he's gone. Just a thought. Wishing you all the best.

Why isn't he showing his own mother the same respect you seem to think OP should offer him?