AIBU for limiting length of visit

[BeeKeeping]

I'm stuck between making a long post with lots of backstory or doing a drip feed - I've changed some details for anonymity.

My father and I have a difficult adult relationship, he raised me alone with no help from my mum who I haven't seen since I was a young teen. He was a good father all things considered and tried his best. I think he has undiagnosed mental health problems which have worsened with time. He thinks that I am transferring anger to him because of what my mum did. He thinks that raising me gives him cart blanche to be part of my life. He is so angry now he has started 'grey rock'ing me - so I don't know where he lives or who he spends time with. If I ask him what he's been up to he'll say 'not much' and refuse to elaborate. It's the bones of relationship at all now, and I'd probably not speak to him at all if it wasn't for wanting him and my kids to know each other.

He wants to visit them for Christmas, and currently lives in the foreign country of his origin. He has family there but doesn't speak to them, lots of burned bridges etc.

Because he raised me alone, our relationship was very intense. He has strong religious beliefs that I no longer hold and this infiltrates everything. He also tends to latch on to conspiracy theories and to have paranoia. Worries about online banking etc. He hasn't worked in years and complains about the cost of living all of the time. He says he wants to 'come home' but has no property here, so he means my home, with my DH and kids.

He wanted to come for 8 weeks at Christmas, but I can't cope with him in the house for that long, and I'm worried he might never leave. He has a lovely relationship with his grandkids, but I find him so so difficult. I've offered for him to come for 3 weeks max. Even this I will struggle with and we will almost certainly argue at some point. He finds this boundary very offensive, his beliefs mean that he thinks that families should not have boundaries and that I'm ungrateful and disrespectful. He is mostly outwardly kind but occasionally angry and says mean things which I find hard to forgive. He thinks that being passionate is part of his culture, but I'm very British and find this rude.

AIBU? Hard to know if having boundaries with close family is healthy or cruel, given that my upbringing was unusual I can't get a proper read on it.

Honestly, speaking as someone who has a difficult relationship with her family who also live in another country where they have isolated themselves from extended family there, it would be a big no from me. It’s too much and not fair on your Dh and dc. I would take the dc to visit him, for a short visit, do some travelling, in the years you can afford it. That way you are the one in control of how much contact you have. You can leave anytime you need to. No way would he be coming for 3 weeks, definitely not 8! I used to just about get through 1 week with my family visiting.

I wouldn't want to go NC.

I would put firm boundaries in place to protect my family and myself from him.

Whatever he was like growing up, he's now unpleasant, manipulative and paranoid.

Bringing you up doesn't entitle him to now treat you this way.

Personally I, wouldn't have him stay longer than a week. If he has no money, that's his choice.

Thank you all for being so helpful. It's reassuring that my instincts to set boundaries are not off. And if they are not respected then NC may have to be a last resort.

I just can't imagine having that chat with my kids to explain why we don't see DF anymore. He's always been a Disneyland grandpa.

He believes that the patriarchy is a good model and in his culture families live in multigenerational households quite commonly.

Be very careful he doesn’t just turn up and expect to live with you until he dies. Not sure how you can avoid this potential scenario though…

He might have been a good parent in the past, but he is not a good parent now: good parents let their DC know where they are living, do their utmost to sort out their own finances and don't expect to stay for weeks longer than they are welcome.

I appreciate that the MH conditions are not his fault, but they're not your fault either. I would go for the option of saying that you can't host him for more than a fortnight, that you can't afford his flights just now, but that you will bring the DC to visit him once you have enough saved up.

That leaves the door open, and if he kicks off, he is the one being unreasonable. There comes a point when dealing with an unreasonable parent when you have to protect yourself and your DC, and that can mean making some tough choices.

Sorry, OP. It's shit.

8 WEEKS?! That's craziness.
I adore my parents and they're amazing, but I couldn't put up with them staying for that long!

and currently lives in the foreign country of his origin. He has family there but doesn't speak to them, lots of burned bridges etc.

That tells you that it's not you, it's him. Your boundary is fine, even generous.

His problem is that he is always right and should always get what he wants. He can have boundaries/ six foot brick walls, but you can't. That's not in his script.

If he shows signs of not leaving, get your DH to be the bad guy. Given what you've said I'm sure he'd be up for it!

in his culture families live in multigenerational households quite commonly.

Once again, he's selective with his 'culture'. Because you also say he doesn't speak to his family.

Why doesn't he speak to them?

He was somewhat ostracized when he moved to the UK originally. And ironically he thinks that many of them have MH issues (but is unable to see his own). There is lots of trauma which has lead to diagnosed schizophrenia in some relatives and undiagnosed paranoia/personality disorders in others.

He talks about the responsibility of children to their parents but has made no attempt to look after his own ailing mother since moving back to his country of origin.

I've told him if he can't arrange his own flights and insurance etc he can't visit.

@BeeKeeping

I'm assuming that part of his 'family is all' belief is that it is a daughter's responsibility to care for an aging parent. Are you prepared to deal with this? Because chances are that someday he will suddenly announce that he can no longer live on his own so he is coming to live with you. And he will announce it, he will not ask if you mind.

You mention a Sister in Law, I apologize if I've missed something, but I assume then that you have a brother. What is his relationship like with your father?

Lose your rose coloured glasses re 'family' think about it, if this man was not your father, surely you wouldn't tolerate him.

Gosh why are people saying go NC?! He sounds like a pain but that’s it. No big reason at all to cut him off? No, I wouldn’t be doing that for many reasons.

I would stick to boundaries strictly with him though. He keeps his anger in check & he’s welcome for 3 weeks only but you can’t help with the cost of the flight.

No siblings unfortunately. The DSIL is my husband's brothers wife.

This is actually really tricky, I think. Cutting contact is such a nuclear option, people are so quick to jump to it on MN. As though people are disposable.

I think the cultural context would be important. Indian, Arab, west African, Korean or Chinese etc - this sort of context can shed light.

Your dad probably is selective because, to a lesser extent than you, he’s culturally mixed. Picking and choosing what he adopts and what he discards. Immigrants often do this (as well as bearing the burden of integrating too little, or integrating too much and pretending to be something they’re not. Can’t win 🙄).

I find that in complex situations - complex because of practicalities, or finances, or a difficult history, or a tangled web of emotions etc - it’s best to strip things back to the core. At the very least you can ask your dad for greater honest and clarity before making any decisions, and being honest about why you want it. You also both have a right to feeling upset or put upon or discomforted. Neither can expect to have everything exactly as they want it. Compromise, basically, on a bedrock of honesty and transparency.

lt sounds like you both want a relationship. It’s just the terms that need to be hammered out. And maybe you could reconsider taking your D.C. to the home country - you would have to suck it up, but you get to do everything else on your terms.

Not unreasonable. 8 weeks would be far roo much even if you got on amazingly. Is it really positive for your children though? Sounds a bit toxic really

Agree he is being selective and hypocritical. I think you are in a position to ask him about his mother’s wellbeing every time he starts on about the child’s duty to look after the parents. Who looks/looked after her?

@Onlyonekenobe This is very true. Thank you. I don't want to say what country he's from because it's too identifying. But i recognise the difficulties he's had in trying to integrate here and trying to integrate back there. He's stuck in no man's land with no support network.

Complex backstory- He was raised by his alcoholic father, who died young. His mother's mental health was so complex she's been institutionalised her whole life and doesn't want to see her children. It's a fucking mess.

OP, you sound like a lovely woman but a bit ground down by FOG.

Fear, obligation and guilt.

Your first obligation is to your husband and family with him.
Making your marriage with your good husband is your priority.
A happy marriage inevitably hugely benefits your children.
That is your priority.

Having your father to stay is not in your best interests and therefore not in your husbands and children.

He is controlling, manipulative and self serving.
He has zero right to your home for a stay.
No matter what his relationship towards you, he has zero rights.

You are being controlled and guilted by him.
It is very hard to put down the guilt when you have been raised by it.

Women are hugely raised and controlled by it.

Your father is selective in his rules about family.
Let him be upset.
Let him kick up.
Your home is not his.
There is no way he should be coming with a one way ticket to your home.

If it means NC, so be it.
I have zero interest in bad financial decisions then being the problem of others.
Again, I think you spell out your boundaries and block him if he doesn't accept them.
Do not have him visit.
Your MH is too precious and your husband and children need you well.

@oodydoody is correct in everything.

I'd add that this sort of behaviour (ie your behaviour- inflicting a rude, unpleasant visitor on your family for 8 weeks ) is the sort of thing that puts a huge strain on marriages.

I think I'd add "dh has a visitor from x date so we'll need that room for him to stay in".

Make it very clear, he won't be overstaying.

I've just spoken to him- he says he's been ill and can't manage the logistics of booking a flight and insurance etc. in the past I would likely have arranged all this for him. But this time, I just said I hope he was feeling better soon.

Depending on how long it is till he visits again he may lose his indefinite leave to remain. I think if you're out of the UK for 2 years it gets revoked. I haven't said this to him though and I'm not sure if he's aware.

But good news is he's not coming for Christmas! Phew.