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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To argue with friend

85 replies

citygirl1961 · 12/12/2024 12:55

I would just like some advice before I say something to a good friend of mine. I feel I need to do but its how to say it.

She tends to avoid going into the city centre at weekends, especially close to Christmas as she says its too manic for her.

She messaged me yesterday to say she's meeting another friend, whom she doesn't see much, in town this Sunday. I replied to say its unusual for her and put a smiley face so as not to make it look like a critical remark. She came back with the comment that this friend works full time as is mega busy during the week so she doesn't mind as its a one off. My friend doesn't work now by the way.

The reason I am annoyed by this is that I met her in the city centre one day last summer on a Sunday when it wasn't too busy and she tried to steer me somewhere else. When I told her that I had been busy all week at work (I too work full time in a satisfying but demanding job) and preferred to stay in town she shrugged this off, was critical and told me I 'only sit down' at work and shouldn't be tired. I told her I didn't agree with this and didn't just take it.

I don't know how to respond to her now. I have let her see that I have noticed that she's being hyproctical so should I just leave it and wait till next time she refuses to be in town with me or do I remind her of the incident in the summer?

I don't want to argue with her but I won't be a punch bag either. She also made a sarcastic comment about going out for meals being my favourite pastime. This is something else she always comments on as she prefers to stay at home and cook, whereas I don't.

OP posts:
Jostuki · 16/12/2024 08:29

When a friendship reaches this level of petty feelings it's time to call it a day/

GoldenLegend · 16/12/2024 08:33

I would just drop her.

Maddy70 · 16/12/2024 08:37

She doesnt need to justify why shes meeting her friend or where

Lurkingandlearning · 16/12/2024 08:40

I think @Arlanymor is right. If you’d had an open and direct conversation six months ago you wouldn’t be in the position you’re in now. You would have either resolved the problem together or the friendship would have ended. But at this stage it does seem to be in the crapper.

Going forward if you aren’t able to be honest in a friendship you’re always going to run into these communication problems

Createausername1970 · 16/12/2024 08:50

From your updates it sounds like the friendship is going through a bumpy patch.

You can either have your say, which will most likely finish it off completely or you can hold your tongue but back off, and see where you are in a few months.

It's not unreasonable for your friend to make concessions for others, but I get that you feel you are equally deserving of the same concession. Ultimately, though, its up to her.

Daisy12Maisie · 16/12/2024 08:51

Maybe in the new year if you want to meet up and it's easier to suggest town then suggest that. If she says no how about this pub out of town then if it's more difficult to go there say no I'm knackered after work so it's too far to go there.
Usually it's harder work going into town than outside town though so I would have thought it would be easier for both of you to meet up at for example a local coffee shop or one of your houses rather than the faff of traffic and parking in the town centre. Where I live going into the town centre is an ordeal if you are driving so if I have to go I use the park and ride in the day or an Uber in the evening. So I would still meet people in town but would try and make it easier for myself by choosing public transport.

If town is easier for you then suggest it. If she wants to go somewhere else then just say no that's too stressful/ tiring etc and don't go.

SALaw · 16/12/2024 08:56

You asked if you should respond or leave it. Lots of people are saying leave it and you are telling them they are wrong etc. why ask the question if you don't listen to the answers?

CremeBruhlee · 16/12/2024 09:02

I wouldn’t respond or keep it going now it will just seem petty. What I would do is next time you meet up let her pick the location and say that you should probably alternate picking the location (which is fair) and she can go first xx

Mememe9898 · 16/12/2024 09:04

citygirl1961 · 12/12/2024 12:55

I would just like some advice before I say something to a good friend of mine. I feel I need to do but its how to say it.

She tends to avoid going into the city centre at weekends, especially close to Christmas as she says its too manic for her.

She messaged me yesterday to say she's meeting another friend, whom she doesn't see much, in town this Sunday. I replied to say its unusual for her and put a smiley face so as not to make it look like a critical remark. She came back with the comment that this friend works full time as is mega busy during the week so she doesn't mind as its a one off. My friend doesn't work now by the way.

The reason I am annoyed by this is that I met her in the city centre one day last summer on a Sunday when it wasn't too busy and she tried to steer me somewhere else. When I told her that I had been busy all week at work (I too work full time in a satisfying but demanding job) and preferred to stay in town she shrugged this off, was critical and told me I 'only sit down' at work and shouldn't be tired. I told her I didn't agree with this and didn't just take it.

I don't know how to respond to her now. I have let her see that I have noticed that she's being hyproctical so should I just leave it and wait till next time she refuses to be in town with me or do I remind her of the incident in the summer?

I don't want to argue with her but I won't be a punch bag either. She also made a sarcastic comment about going out for meals being my favourite pastime. This is something else she always comments on as she prefers to stay at home and cook, whereas I don't.

Theres a lot of harsh comments here. My view is that she’s being accommodating for this person as she doesn’t see her that often so working around her.
Her preference is to not go in town but if she has to, she will do it.

As a long standing friend she probably thinks you’ll be more accommodating and understand her better. Now if you are incompatible and don’t want to make compromises that’s fair enough.

I met a friend in a city further away where I had to pay a fair bit to go there but I haven’t seen this person for ages and she’s a good friend of mine. Some of my local friends I would never go that far to meet them.

Its called doing what you can to maintain the friendship.

Gillyyy · 16/12/2024 09:35

I have a friend who suffers with bad anxiety. She has had times where she is fine to meet up to go shopping in busy places and other times that would be impossible. She has to put herself out of her comfort zone with work things quite a lot so sometimes when she sees friends she just wants something chilled and not stressful.

Being a friend to someone with anxiety is supporting them and not nitpicking about their ability to do things. I would be really pleased that she is able to do something that was hard for her in summer.

With my friend I give her options, I would offer to meet at somewhere that would be easy for her, like a quiet cafe/farm shop type place with lots of parking, or say if you wanted to go shopping we could go into town. Then it gives her an easier option without feeling awkward.

leftorrightnow · 16/12/2024 09:42

Sounds like maybe there are other things bothering you in the friendship? In a healthy friendship such a small thing as your friend going into town w another friend shouldn’t bother you.

people do different things at different times, and it’s not up to you to judge. I’d let it go, if it’s truly only about that small issue.

DotComMillionaire · 16/12/2024 09:54

The friendship sounds dead or like it will naturally fade out, probably a good thing for both of you really

annonymousse · 16/12/2024 10:01

I can understand why you're not happy OP. The double standard would annoy me too. Not sure if I would say anything or just tuck away the information for a later date.

healthybychristmas · 16/12/2024 10:02

You don't sound awkward at all! She sounds like a pain in the neck actually.

ItGhoul · 16/12/2024 10:07

The reason I am annoyed by this is that I met her in the city centre one day last summer

So, although she asked if you could meet elsewhere, you did in fact still meet in the city centre. Therefore she made the same exception for you that she did for her other friend.

For all you know, she might have had exactly the same conversation with her other friend first that she had with you.

Therefore YABU.

NH84 · 16/12/2024 11:18

Maybe, as you’re good friends she’s closer to you than this other friend, and feels more comfortable to ask for what she needs i.e. staying close to home. Of course, you’re entitled to have your boundaries and needs too!

Calamitousness · 16/12/2024 11:54

@Manara how can you not see a difference. I have friends that are doctors and nurses in a busy tertiary hospital and frankly they are worked to the absolute ends of tolerance at this time of year. I have friends that work from home or in an office. I value the time and energy of my acute providers of healthcare more and will bend over backwards to accommodate them. Doesn’t mean I love them more. I’m just more aware that their daily work life of 12 hours plus on their feet with no breaks and dealing with a lot of death and critical situations is far more tiring mentally and physically than the others. So if they need me to be somewhere specific then I’d be more inclined to meet their needs and would sublimate my own.

how can you not understand people and their experiences are different.

7ft1garysson · 16/12/2024 11:57

Neither of you need to explain to one another why you prefer to do things a certain way.

Manara · 16/12/2024 11:57

Calamitousness · 16/12/2024 11:54

@Manara how can you not see a difference. I have friends that are doctors and nurses in a busy tertiary hospital and frankly they are worked to the absolute ends of tolerance at this time of year. I have friends that work from home or in an office. I value the time and energy of my acute providers of healthcare more and will bend over backwards to accommodate them. Doesn’t mean I love them more. I’m just more aware that their daily work life of 12 hours plus on their feet with no breaks and dealing with a lot of death and critical situations is far more tiring mentally and physically than the others. So if they need me to be somewhere specific then I’d be more inclined to meet their needs and would sublimate my own.

how can you not understand people and their experiences are different.

It really doesn't make any sense to be willing to meet in town for a doctor or nurse and not an office worker. I know office workers who have worked 60 hours a week and are exhausted by Friday.

Swiftie1878 · 16/12/2024 12:03

Goodness me!
please ditch this friend for her sake! You sound like an unhinged nightmare.
Leave the poor woman alone.

Calamitousness · 16/12/2024 12:16

@Manara tell me you have no clue without telling me you have no clue what you’re talking about 🤣

Manara · 16/12/2024 12:19

Calamitousness · 16/12/2024 12:16

@Manara tell me you have no clue without telling me you have no clue what you’re talking about 🤣

Can you explain why it's ok for someone who hates the town to meet a doctor in town but not an office worker?

Original poster
citygirl1961 · 16/12/2024 13:00

OK just to get the record straight. As I have already said I am not saying that my friend or any other friend shouldn't meet other people in town or anywhere.

This friend I am talking about has a reputation among our general group of muttual friends for being awkward about making plans. She tries to change everything to suit herself, she will cancel arrangements at the last minute if there is just a spot of rain. She always wants to meet near where she lives. She has visited my flat in the past and criticised everything about it. On a few occasions she has even tried to change my birthday plans to suit her. I hardly think I am imagining it all. Yes you can brush it off when its now and again but it gets very tiring when it becomes a regular thing.

The recent issue is now resolved. I did reply to her in a friendly way just to remind her that I am busy also at work and that's why I can only meet people at weekends, as before she has expected me to meet her in the week, even though she knows I work then. She also quoted this other friends grade (in the Civil Service), trying to imply that she's very busy because she is a higher grade than me, when I know, and she knows as she has worked for the Civil Service, that the lower grades do all the work. I gently reminded her of this and she agreed with me! I said to her I hoped she had a nice time with friend. So she hasn't backed away from me, she agreed with me.

As to why I stay friends with her, well when she isn't being difficult she is good company and we have known each other for a long time.

I hope this explains things more.

OP posts:
Manara · 16/12/2024 13:06

Well done for standing your ground, OP.

People will take you at your own valuation.

You showed you value yourself and your time, so she now realises she needs to value you as much as you value her.

buttonousmaximous · 16/12/2024 13:24

🎵 Now then mardy bum....

One of a few things has happened-

A, she has become more confident and feels better about meeting in town with anyone including you.

B, she feels comfortable enough with you to be honest and say when she's struggling. She doesn't with other people so will put her self in uncomfortable situations rather than admit her issues

C, she pushes you around to get her own way because she knows she can